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Original poster

I don't know.

45 replies

NCBecauseIAmALoser · 01/08/2017 01:54

I've had threads here before on other names. I deleted my account when all the Jeff stuff was happening then came back. I've NC'ed from my regular account to make sure I can't be identified because paranoia.

Long story short: I'm 30, eating disorder and anxiety for 12 years, depression for 17 years. I self harm because it's the only way I can deal with how my life is. No children, so don't worry.

I am so empty. My life is, literally, useless. I don't work; severe agoraphobia means that stepping foot outside is an impossibility (I receive ESA). I am doing nothing with my life; I am literally just a burden on society.

I can't use the phone, I can't touch ANYTHING without having my sleeve over my hand to keep myself clean, I have to use hand sanitiser after fucking everything just in case. I have no interaction with people because they see me for the waste of space that I am. My life is the definition of pointless.

I don't DO anything. I'll never be anything. I am, genuinely, nothing. I'm just a shadow of a person. I've tried everything and nothing helps and I can't be with myself anymore.

Why the fuck am I even posting here.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 01/08/2017 02:29

For human connection Flowers

Are you getting any help for your agoraphobia/anxiety/depression?

No one is a waste of space, everyone is unique and interesting. I'm sorry that the people around you haven't been able to see that.

Is there any way that you could study, from home? Maybe it's not a helpful suggestion but it could be a way of interacting with the world and getting some positive feedback? Apologies if it's not a useful idea.

Original poster
NCBecauseIAmALoser · 01/08/2017 02:33

Thank you for replying Flowers

I'm medicated for depression and anxiety. Discharged from MH services last year as "there's nothing more they could do". To be honest, they didn't help; things worsened dramatically under them. I was never able to access therapy, it was all about graded exposure for the agoraphobia.

I'd like to study. I don't think I'm smart enough for it to be honest, and even if I was, things like the OU require you to go to assessments. I literally can't open my door for the postman, so going to some random centre for an exam is way beyond me. I could have all the degrees in the world and still not be a remotely useful person.

Thank you for being here at such a ridiculous hour.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 01/08/2017 02:46

OU access courses don't require you to go somewhere to take exams, it's all online these days. They would be free for you as well, I think. You can do them as stand alone courses, no commitment to continue to do any further study.

Studying is a positive feedback thing, it involves interacting (virtually) with other people and getting positive feedback and a sense of accomplishment. It's not just about becoming a "useful" person.

People have worth just on their own as unique individuals, it's not about having to be able to prove that you're useful.

Bimbop5 · 01/08/2017 02:54

I don't know really what to write but my heart went out for you. I agree with Assasinated that its not about becoming a useful person. I'm not very "useful" either to be honest. We are really just supposed to "be" if that makes sense? Society makes us feel we need to be useful or persuing things to be more useful. Well, we honestly are here to just be. I hope I'm making sense and to let you know you aren't alone.

eyeoresancerre · 01/08/2017 03:03

You're so not a burden on society and you have every damn right to take your place on this planet the same as anyone else.
You don't have to be a useful person you just have to be here. You sound so tired, both physically and emotionally. The small hours are just the worst though aren't they?I'm up because my husband got up, fainted and smacked his back of the side of the bed and now I'm watching him like a hawk in case he has concussion.
So anyway I'm here if you want to chat. X

Original poster
NCBecauseIAmALoser · 01/08/2017 03:04

Thank you both Flowers

I don't really have anything I want to study. If someone handed me something, and said "Tell me everything about this subject", I'd do it; research it and source it and all that, but I can't CARE about things. Interacting with people for anything length of time is so hard and I just feel like I can't get through it.

Bimbop, I'm sorry you get the 'not useful' feeing. It's like you're just this blank space, where everyone else is full of colour. You're an empty box, and people are brimming over with thoughts and feelings and connections. I want to just, eurgh
I don't even know what I want.
I don't want to be this shell.

OP posts:
eyeoresancerre · 01/08/2017 03:16

Do you see anyone about your paranoia or OCD? Maybe not if you are struggle going outside.
It sounds bloody tough what you are having to go through everyday. I don't think I would be able to write so eloquently about it.
Well my husband is getting annoyed with me fussing over him - I'm a crap nurse apparently!!!
Are you normally up at this time or is tonight especially a tough one?FlowersBrew

eyeoresancerre · 01/08/2017 03:28

I've just downloaded this to my kindle today. Not sure if it is any good, I'm trying to stop feeling so panicky all the time.

I don't know.
eyeoresancerre · 01/08/2017 03:31

Not sure it will help though but I thought it might make me calmer and less prone to making everything feel like the world is ending. But it will keep me occupied in the small hours. Just off to make a cup of tea but I'm here if you need me.

Original poster
NCBecauseIAmALoser · 01/08/2017 03:38

I was discharged from MH services last year; they said there was "nothing else they could do to help".

SO many hollow laughs at that. They made me feel so much worse.

I'm usually up late, I'm not the best sleeper. I have thoughts that cycle and thoughts that blurt out, and my head feels like a washing machine sometimes.

I hope your husband feels better soon, thank you for replying Flowers

OP posts:
eyeoresancerre · 01/08/2017 03:46

Nothing more they could do to help. Bloody helpful of them!
Husband ok, he is just the worst patient but he's dozing.
I'm pretty outraged at mental health just palming you off like that. You sound like you would really benefit from their help.
Is there anyone close to you that helps you or are you really isolated? X

Original poster
NCBecauseIAmALoser · 01/08/2017 03:56

I missed your Kindle link first time round, cross-posting is kind of a specialty of mine. Sorry about that, it wasn't intentional. I don't have a phone at the minute (well, I do, but it lives in a drawer and I'm not actually sure if it will turn on!) but I think there's a way to get Kindle books on a laptop so I'll check Amazon.

I can't blame the NHS. They told me often just how many patients they had; my support worker talked about her caseload constantly so I know that they were massively overstretched. In a way it was a relief when they ditched me, because I could stop feeling guilty about taking up their time.

I'm pretty isolated. Literally zero friends, I speak to my mum every so often but it's a perfunctory conversation. She doesn't want to know and I don't want to tell. We're not close.

Thank you again for talking to me.

OP posts:
eyeoresancerre · 01/08/2017 03:57

I'm going to get a couple of hours sleep but I'll be here from 6ish if you want to talk some more. Try get some rest too and remember you might not feel useful but you are - you've kept me company tonight for a start. X

eyeoresancerre · 01/08/2017 03:58

You're not wasting their time that's their bloody job. X

Original poster
NCBecauseIAmALoser · 01/08/2017 04:00

Sleep well, thank you for talking to me Flowers

OP posts:
eyeoresancerre · 01/08/2017 04:03

Speak in a couple

eyeoresancerre · 01/08/2017 04:04

Speak in a couple of hours. Xx

mumonashoestring · 01/08/2017 04:09

It was wrong of your support worker to keep banging on about caseload, that's her problem, not yours. You're not a drain on resources, you're a person, just as important as the rest of us.

Have you ever tried Lumosity for those washing-machine-brain nights? It's a brain training site, has loads of free games that are designed to improve concentration, coordination, mental agility etc. I've found it sort of acts like mindfulness in that it gives you something structured to concentrate on rather than thought spirals.

Original poster
NCBecauseIAmALoser · 01/08/2017 04:15

I've not heard of Luminosity, but I have tried mindfulness before. I can't have been doing it right, because it made me ridiculously anxious. There was too much silence and 'being present' and it made me want to rip myself apart.

I will take a look though, hopefully there's something that can instruct me how to actually do it properly.

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
mumonashoestring · 01/08/2017 04:19

That's why I like Lumosity - I actually think mindfulness on it's own is a fucking useless thing to suggest to someone with intrusive thought patterns unless you're offering/qualified to do full, proper training with them Grin At least with something like brain training you've got something to focus on to help you pull back from thoughts that are making you unhappy (or at least give you a break from them).

Original poster
NCBecauseIAmALoser · 01/08/2017 04:33

I tried mindfulness with someone trained, so I was really terrible at it (I don't count it as therapy, was it meant to be therapy? It was never really explained to me). Every time I tried, I had a panic attack. It was just awful, I was ridiculously bad at it.

Something I could do on my own would be much better for me, since I could take a break when I needed to. Thank you for the recommendation.

OP posts:
2sCompany · 01/08/2017 04:48

The only thing that works for me is to just try to live life in small moments. Don't think of the past, don't think of the future, just get through each moment at a time. It's very possibly not a healthy way to live, but it's the only way I can for now, so maybe worth giving it a try OP?

Have you ever had dreams or aspirations for yourself, your life? If you could wave a magic wand, what would your life look like ideally?

(I speak as a completely fucked Up person myself with no prospects, history of self harm and suicide attempts that should be asleep... You're not alone, although you've probably gone to sleep now too, so best not listen to my ramblings!)

Original poster
NCBecauseIAmALoser · 01/08/2017 04:56

Not asleep yet, though to be fair I'm not trying.

I had SO many dreams as a kid. I was one of those "gifted and talented" kids. Constantly told how I had so much promise, and I could do anything, and I'd be great. HA. That worked out well, didn't it.

All I ever wanted, was to go to Uni, get a degree, get a job. Get a nice house. Live, be happy, maybe have a cat. I don't think I aimed particularly high. I wanted normality, and just to be content.

I have literally ruined everything in my life and I can't get any of it back.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCBecauseIAmALoser · 01/08/2017 04:59

Sorry, I meant to say thank you for answering me, and you weren't rambling at all!

OP posts:
2sCompany · 01/08/2017 05:04

You can still be great. Really, you can.

I was just about to spurt some meaningless pep talk to you, but I've been where you've been, I still am. I won't try to 'fix' you. I just want you to know I am here, I know exactly how you feel. You articulate it so much better than I can too!

Anyway, please keep talking, don't know about you but feeling pretty bloody lonely x