I don't know.

[NCBecauseIAmALoser]

I've had threads here before on other names. I deleted my account when all the Jeff stuff was happening then came back. I've NC'ed from my regular account to make sure I can't be identified because paranoia.

Long story short: I'm 30, eating disorder and anxiety for 12 years, depression for 17 years. I self harm because it's the only way I can deal with how my life is. No children, so don't worry.

I am so empty. My life is, literally, useless. I don't work; severe agoraphobia means that stepping foot outside is an impossibility (I receive ESA). I am doing nothing with my life; I am literally just a burden on society.

I can't use the phone, I can't touch ANYTHING without having my sleeve over my hand to keep myself clean, I have to use hand sanitiser after fucking everything just in case. I have no interaction with people because they see me for the waste of space that I am. My life is the definition of pointless.

I don't DO anything. I'll never be anything. I am, genuinely, nothing. I'm just a shadow of a person. I've tried everything and nothing helps and I can't be with myself anymore.

Why the fuck am I even posting here.

I'm sorry you're struggling as well.

I'm at that stage where I'm tired, simply by existing. I need to sleep but I know that when I close my eyes and lie down, I'm going to be wide awake.

I actually don't really get lonely all that much, I think I'm just so used to being alone that when I'm actually around people it feels foreign and uncomfortable.

This is going to make me sound like a complete... I don't even know what, but I have these little scenarios that I play out in my head. I have a different character that I 'play', and I just insert myself into storylines from TV shows I like. It's like having interaction, without actually having it. I'm aware it's weird but it's incredibly comforting and I do it almost constantly.

Bloody hell, don't feel sorry for me lovely! I'm the very least of your worries.

I know what you mean, I'm exhausted but scared to try to sleep and fail, or if I do get to sleep, it's just endless rambling dreams that make me feel even more anxious.

I think, if you can successfully transpose yourself into a tv show, you could turn that around and fit the tv show to you. So you live your part in real life - your character goes to a cafe and orders coffee, she chats to the server etc. You could use that as a sort of dress rehearsal for "real life" maybe.

In my own, limited, experience there is no such thing as 'normal', it's an impossible goal for anyone. Again, no real advice but just want to acknowledge that you are not at all alone in how you feel x

Morning NCbecauseImaloser, will you try and get some sleep this morning? I'm around most of the day if you want to write down some more thoughts and worries. X

I don't really sleep long enough to dream, which I'm pretty grateful for. I'm more of a napper than a sleeper, and I don't really sleep at night. It's light now though, so I do feel more able to actually get some rest. I hope you can as well.

It's hard to explain the fake mes, it's a very 'alone' thing so it's not something I've tried in public. Being around people is panic-inducing in itself and getting out of that, and reaching the character feels almost impossible. It's a very good idea though, and is something I could try practicing, so thank you.

eyeore I do need to sleep, I'm giving myself a headache from being on the computer too long! It'll happen at some point, I'm sure.

OP, have you heard of Eckhart Tolle? This man spent years in depression. There are loads of his videos on Youtube. They helped in changing my life. Best wishes to you.

Ps, if you search for Eckhart Tolle depression/anxiety videos.

SleightofHand I've not heard of Eckhart Tolle, I'll have a look on Youtube. Thank you

Morning Going back to OU Access courses, there's only 3 to choose from, you could just pick one at random if necessary. I know you said that you don't care about any subject enough to study it, but I do think that using your brain is a good thing even if you're going through the motions a bit. It wouldn't involve any face to face contact, and there's the opportunity for positive feedback and success.

What did you originally think you might study at Uni?

Sorry. I've just worked up the courage to come back here. I've typed out responses so many times today and kept deleting them because I panicked.

Beauty - I studied nursing for a year, before having to leave since the anxiety started. I couldn't go back into nursing now because of my mental health records (I very much glossed over my existing issues when I was accepted onto the course initially), but now they're documented, I wouldn't be accepted. That's fine, nursing was never something I was passionate about. It just felt like something I could do.

With Access courses, do I need to speak to anyone or is it all online? I can deal with things like forums/emails where I can take time to think about what to say, but things like instant messaging are too much.

I think I just need to accept that this is probably the best things are ever going to be. I just can't see myself ever achieving anything.

When I did some OU study a long time ago now, it was all distance based so I sent work off and got it back marked. I think there may have been emails as well. According to the stuff on the OU website about current distance learning it all looks to be online but I'm not sure whether that's like instant messaging or more like the chat here.

I think you'd be able to do the courses for free, so you could try it and see how you get on. No harm done if you decide it's not for you at this point in time.

Thank you. It's something to think about, it can never hurt to have qualifications.

I've never looked into the OU properly, I've just read that there were outside examinations, and a chat-room to mimic a lecture, so that put me off. I'm not good at 'real-time' conversations, so something like MN or email would work so much better for me.

I feel this way too about being a burden that im a waste of space an all that , but what can i do, i am not suppost to kill myself an hurt people, anyway i am too scared about the actual dying process, i am worried about how ill die one day in the future when im old, i can see myself not changing at all when im 70 or whatever ill still be the same, Its definetly bad that i had a child which wasnt planned nor wanted, im a uesless mum even though i know im lucky to some people to have a son,, if your unhappy an feel you cant do anything or be anything then its not a good thing to have one an its not nice probably to have a mum like me, i get worried about how my son might dislike or feel sorry for me or whatever when hes older,, im worried ill feel awkward with my son too, even now i do aswell, awkward to talk to most everyone to some degree, its just weird, life is not hard but pointless for me , i know i could try and change but it seems impossible just cant be a different way can i, But you did a year of nursing ,, thats like wow wow wow to me, i would never think of even trying to do anything as worthwhile and good as that, even though you ccouldnt stick it out because of your problems its such a good thing you were able to even experience it and had the confidence back then to even apply or try for that,,, you had that ability before so who knows you are thinking about courses that is wow,,, i wouldnt do it as i would be too embarassed of people knowing for a start as i just think they wopuld laugh,,, behind my back or feel sorry for me,,, but you know i suppose all i do is think yes im useless but i cant die , only point to lifeis to try enjoy some parts of it,, we cant all be very useful to society , you have big mental problems so its safe to say thats not your fault an if you didnt have them you would be a nurse or so,,, sorry i know it must feel sad if you failed at soemthing,, but its better to have failed then never even tried i guess, i never will try for anything i dont have anything about me

minimoo I'm sorry you're feeling so awful, you sound like things have really mounted up and got on top of you.

I'm sure you're not a useless mum. If you're doing the best you're currently capable of, then that's a lot more than a lot of children receive.

Do you have people you can talk to IRL? An MH team, or your GP? It sounds like you'd really benefit from some support.

I'm sorry that I'm not better equipped to give advice, or really know the right things to say. Maybe you could start a post and others will be able to answer it? Your post here is right at the end of the thread, so a lot of people won't see it as easily as a new thread.

I don't know if it's on to just reply to my own thread when it's slipped down the board, so I'm sorry in advance. Also hoping that my NC has worked, though I'm not sure why it actually matters.

I'm just going to ramble I think. I don't think I've ever felt so done with myself. I've just literally had enough of being me (this is not a suicide thread, please don't delete me MNHQ).

I don't know how much I can say on here because of forum rules. I don't have anyone that I can talk to, and this is the only real site that I feel comfortable on. I feel like I gave up so long ago and I'm just living this empty shell life that has literally no meaning or point and I'm just a nothing of a person who has nothing and is nothing.

I can't be who anyone wants me to be. I can't even get through the day without doing something self-destructive. I have failed at everything that I've tried and will continue to do so because I am a worthless nothing.

Of course you can reply to your own thread, it is your's after all. I'm sorry you're feeling so despondent at the moment.

It's ok to just be yourself, as you are. No one should have expectations of what you ought to be like, anyone who does is not a helpful person to be around. It's also ok if you are not perfect, no one is, and it's fine to have aspects of yourself that you don't like. Can you talk to the Samaritans if no one else? Or keep posting here?

God that's got to feel rough feeling like that, no wonder your finding it all a bit much at the moment.
I was trying to picture you the other night when we were talking, you know how you get a bit of an image forming when you read posts.
I bet how you perceive yourself ( negatively) is wildly different from how others perceive you.
For instance in your posts I really warmed to you. You were open and honest and there was no bullshit. Makes it easy to talk when people, like you, are genuine.
Did you go out today or were you feeling you had to stay in?

Thank you both for replying to me.

I've tried emailing the Samaritans in the past and (this is not meant to be a criticism of them since I know they do an amazing job) they just really didn't help me. There was no actual talking, it was just them mirroring what I said back to me. There's a long time between responses as well, as they obviously have a lot of people to talk to.

eyeores I find it easy to be honest online, since no-one here knows me and there aren't going to be repercussions in saying how I actually feel. IRL, I'm different. I don't feel comfortable enough around anyone to actually talk to them.
I haven't been out; going out is an incredibly irregular thing for me (I honestly can't remember the last time I went anywhere other than medical/dental appointments). Even then, I can't do it on my own. Going outside = panic attacks, and general self-destructiveness.

It's a vicious circle really; in order to get better I have to do the things that make me anxious but the things that make me anxious make me TOO anxious to do them. Thank you both again

Is really is a viscous circle isn't it. I think the Samaritans are meant to listen and not give advice so maybe it wasn't right for you as your needing help.
The self destructive behaviour worries me, if you are hurting yourself then how can the mental health team say they can't help you anymore.
Has your doctor been kind and helpful or do they make you feel bad for taking up there time?
You must be so tired (mentally and physically ) from all this.
I've no idea what resources you can access in RL to help make life easier.
Are there any online psychologist/ councillors you can access from your home?
Hope you got some sleep. Speak soon

You're right about the Samaritans, I think they're fantastic for people who need another person there to listen to how they're feeling but I know they're not supposed to give advice. It's just difficult asking for help only to have your statements repeated back to you in the form of a question.

The MH team said that as what they were doing wasn't helping, that was it (long story short, anyway). I do understand that; you can't keep on flogging a dead horse. Plus, it means they can move on and try to help someone else.
I don't have a regular GP, you just see whoever has an appointment free at my practice. They're mostly quite nice but I am unbearably anxious being there so I'm never as open as I could be. I spend the whole time just desperate to get my prescription so I can leave again. It's only a 6-monthly visit now though, so it's fine.

There are online therapists, but it's not a free service (again, understandably. They need to make a living!) and I'm not in a position where I can afford to pay right now. I think if there are free services, then it's more a peer-to-peer situation, than client/professional. I can see why that would be great for some people, but in that situation, if I was talking to someone who I thought was struggling themselves, I'd be very guarded about what I said for fear of upsetting them. Like here, I try to moderate what I say so other people aren't affected by me.

Thank you for replying to me again. Sorry this is all so negative too.

God really sorry I haven't got back we travelled on holiday and there's no wifi and a random 3G signal.
How have you been the last couple of days? Have you been out to get food or other supplies. Do you get everything on the internet and delivered to you?
I get the expensive cost of seeing online therapists. We payed for one of my children to seek therapy and it was around £100 per hour. Too much to do for an extended time.
I'm around even though I'm away so feel free to talk if you're at a loose end. X