Suicidal DH - I don't know what to do anymore.

[Anna468]

DH has been on ADs for 8 months.
He has not come home from work and has told me he came so close to ending his life today and did not even care. The only thing that stopped him was me being left alone to look after baby DD.
I have tried so hard to help but I dont know what is best anymore. He needs more than just a prescription.
He spoke to the GP the other day who has referred him to a Psychiatrist as previous CBT and counselling has not helped. The ADs seem to have little affect anymore even after increasing the dose.
What do I do now? Im waiting for him to come home but I'm so scared he is going to do something.
If I take him to A&E will they help him? What will they do?

How late is he? Have you tried calling him?
You are understandably worried, if he is late, and can't contact him, it's worth calling the police.
Tell them he is late, tell them he has threatened suicide. They will help. (Ex police call handler)

Do you have family or friends close by who could support you?

A&E might be your best option tonight, they can (hopefully) get him a psych assessment or refer to a crisis team. While you are waiting for him to come home reach out to Sanaritans who will be able to support you and signpost you to the help you guys will need.

And, as another poster has said, if he still hasn't returned and you are concerned, or if things get escalate once he's home, then call the police. They will take this seriously.

Love and luck to you both

Does he have any private healthcare through work or could you afford for him to see a private psychiatrist (about £200)?

A psychiatrist will be able to help him...there are many types of ADs and it's very common that the first one you try doesn't necessarily work. There are dozens more to try but they need to be prescribed by a psych rather than a GP.

There are so many of us who have been where he is now...tell him that while it feels like the darkness will never end; it will. He will feel better and he will get better. Even if he can't see any light in the tunnel at the moment, the thousands of us who have walked the same path can promise him it's there

But yes...agree with PP. if you have immediate concern for his safety today, do call the Police

Please reach out to the police or an emergency doctor. I've been there with my DH, so sorry you must be in pieces.Stay strong, if there is anyone close that can help you - let them, I wish I could give you a hug x

sorry you are going through this op, I know how horrifying times like this can be.

Once it gets to a real crisis point, it's a bit easier to get help but you need to reach out on his behalf if he's not capable. I've been there with my DH and it's bloody horrible. I really feel for you. For yourself, keep posting here for support.
I'm thinking of you, it is so scary.

Thank you all so much. You don't know how much it means to me that you all took time to reply to me
I last spoke to him at 20.40. He told me how he felt and how he nearly ended things.
He has said he is at a bar near his office to have some time to think and "try and fix himself" He said his battery is low but he will be back later to talk properly.
stumbly we are lucky that we have private healthcare but when I have suggested this he's been reluctant to claim for mental health issues as he is worried it will affect his career. I know this won't be the case but it's hard to reason with him at the moment. I will gently push for him to do this though.
ajandjjmum
We don't have a lot of family close by but I may ask my Mum to look after DD for a few days so I can give DH the help he needs. He had an abusive Father and most of the family turned a blind eye to this so he is now NC with a lot of his family.
DD has just gone to sleep now so I will wait a little while then contact police.
I'm sorry so many of you have been here too.

I can't imagine what you must be going through. My heart really goes out to you.
My partner suffers from depression and takes ADs...I was researching supplements that may help and scientists have suggested lithium is so helpful that they would like it added to the water supply - in areas where the water is naturally high in it there are lower levels of crime and also lower levels of suicide...I'm not suggesting its a panacea, but as a adjunct to his medication (under doctors supervision) it may just smooth over some of the bumps until he can get other helpwww.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4504869/www.theguardian.com/environment/shortcuts/2011/dec/05/should-we-put-lithium-in-water
selfhacked.com/blog/the-benefits-of-lithium/
A version of it is sometimes prescribed for bipolar and depression

Should have been:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4504869/

www.theguardian.com/environment/shortcuts/2011/dec/05/should-we-put-lithium-in-water

Thank you artiface that looks interesting.

DH came home not long after I sent the last message. We talked but other than saying he is going to "sort himself out" he kept changing the subject as if nothing has happened. He was looking at houses for sale instead.

He has now gone to bed until he inevitably has another break down in a few days. This seems to be the cycle now as the last time was Friday.
I asked for us to go to A&E together and to call our private healthcare tomorrow. He has said no to both. There is no emotion left there at all. He said I am moody and it is my fault he is the way he is.

He will stay up happily until 3am working some days, to the point of obsession and then this will happen. He is excelling at work. I doubt they suspect a thing. I just don't understand it at all.

What can I do if he refuses help?

I don't know how much more I can take and I know how selfish that sounds. My baby is only 4 months and I need to keep strong for her because I'm all she has at the moment.

You do not sound selfish at all op! It's very tough coping with a mentally unwell dp and small children. It's mentally exhausting for yourself. If your mum could look after your dd for a few days I think that would give you and your dp time to talk things over.

I can definitely vouch for the fact that the insurer who provides the private health care doesn't tell your employer anything about what you might be using it for.

So he can get a private psych assessment and his work will definitely not know.

Also, if it helps, I have a six figure job in the City and am completely open about my bipolar disorder and even the fact that means I've had two stays in The Priory as an in patient and I don't believe it's impacted my career.

Maybe you could call the private healthcare people and ask them whether they pass information to his employer so you can reassure him that doesn't happen?

Also....when I was at The Priory I bumped into a senior manager I used to work with on his way out from seeing his psychiatrist and someone from a different office of my current work also checked in as suicidal.

It's so very, very common and particularly in high pressure roles. Many of us who had difficult childhoods become very driven to succeed as a kind of defence mechanism and so MH issues are very common in successful people.

At The Priory pretty much everyone there was someone like me (and like your DH)...we had CEOs, Directors, GPs, Head Teachers, etc suffering from depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD.

If you think it would help in any way for him to talk to someone who has been where he is I'd be totally happy to spend some time talking to him on the phone. He doesn't have to tell me his name so there's no risk on his side....just let me know if I can help in any way at all...

Are you in the South East OP?

If so, I can also recommend a psychiatrist. If he's scared of using his private health you can pay for an appointment?

Men can get post natal depression too, I think it is more common if they had a dysfunctional childhood themselves. An obsession with work is one of the common symptoms.

Thank you for your kind message peppa

stumbly
Sorry I have had such a busy day today.
DH went to work as normal this morning and came back in a much better frame of mind.

He had a GP appointment over the telephone. They talked about changing meds but said it is better to hold out until the Psychiatrist appointment, if possible, to make any adjustments. The doctor has also given him an emergency number to call at any point. He is repeating a blood test again to ensure there are no other issues eg. Thyroid that may be contributing.

I have no idea how long these things take on the NHS, I know there are so many people in need of help.
He has agreed if no appointment arrives in the next two weeks he will do it privately.

I completely agree about using it as a defence mechanism. He has always been very driven to succeed and throwing himself into new projects. He has achieved so much and works in the city in a high pressure role but he still feels so empty and unworthy of any success. It is hard to see.
Things did improve initially when he started the medication during my pregnancy but we are now back to the worst point again.
DD was unwell when she was born and I had a bad birth so I myself got to a bit of a dark place with anxiety, which did not help matters. Luckily I have come through the other side now or I don't know how we'd cope.

I have researched The Priory etc. I really think something residential away from everything would help him in the long term.

We are in London so if there is somebody you would personally recommend I would be grateful.

I'm so glad to hear you got the help you needed and are doing well.

Hi wiggly

Thank you for your message. Yes I think there certainly may be an element of PND there. The whole of DHs Paternity leave was spent in and out of the hospital as DD was unwell. I think that added a lot of stress for him.

Hang in there OP. It sounds as if you are taking the right steps.

Do you have private health insurance? If so, call the number and make enquiries about whether psychiatry is covered. If it is you typically need a GP referral. The Priory cater well to people in the situation your husband is in. When I was in there there was at least one burnt-out executive there.

I can DM you the name of a psych if that would be helpful. Otherwise the Priory have a system by which your referral goes centrally and gets allocated to whoever is the most appropriate psychiatrist somehow.

Are you okay? Dealing with a suicidal spouse is frightening. Hang in there.

Similar to pp I have had time out of work for psych stuff, my employer have been endlessly supportive. My career progression has slowed down a bit, but my medical leaves were quite long, and some people bounce back much more quickly.

There is a book your DH might be able to relate to, Underneath the Lemon Tree: A Memoir of Depression and Recovery by Mark Rice-Oxley.

I'd also recommend this book...written by one of the psychiatrists from The Priory (now retired)

Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong (3rd Edition): Volume 3 (Overcoming Common Problems) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1847092357/ref=cmswwrcppapi_WAeCzbFMCX8BC

I'm in Surrey, so stayed at the Woking Priory which is where my psychiatrist is based so a bit out of the way for you.

If your DH needs any more evidence of how prevalent (and frankly 'normal') it is to experience mental health issues in the kind of jobs we do...just look at the fact that The Priory have a centre in the middle of the City (Fenchurch St) which is so busy they have 40+ staff!

CALM, www.thecalmzone.net is a good resource for men.

Hi, I have also been there both myself and with DH. Does the GP know how bad things are? It sounds like he needs crisis team referal now, not to wait for a psych appointment. You can ring his GP and discuss your concerns and let him know how bad things really are. They can't give you any information about your husband, but they should listen to you and act on the information you give them. You can ask for your contact with the GP to be kept confidential too if you wish. I susspect the number that the GP has given him is a direct number to crisis team. If things get bad you can ring them too. Another option out of hours is 111, they have sent a GP out to see DH when I couldn't get him to go to A&E in the past. And as others have said in an emergency 999, the police will keep him safe and get him emergency assessment. They have taken DH to hospital many times, and searched for him when he took an overdose and then tried to hide and have always been very helpful and supportive.

After another bad incident tonight DH is now at A&E having called the crisis team who advised him to go. They have said they will sober him up as he is drunk and more than likely keep him there. They expressed concern at him coming home to DD.
He is very pissed off with me and says that he hates me but at lease he is there.
It makes me doubt myself whether I have got him to do the right thing..was he really bad enough to get to this point? Am I being too OTT?
I don't know what will happen from now and I'm feeling very alone but I guess it's a small step in the right direction.

You have done the right thing, your DH is very poorly and needs professional help. He is angry right now but sometimes we have to do the right thing for our DHs when they can't help themselves. The emergency psych team will assess him but not until he is sober.

What happens now will depend on their assessment findings. They will either discharge him home with community support, offer him voluntary admission to hospital, or section him. They will only section him if they feel that is the only way to keep him (or others) safe, its very much a last resort. They prefer to support people in their own homes, obviously your DDs welfare will be a consideration when making this decision.