Suicidal DH - I don't know what to do anymore.

[Anna468]

DH has been on ADs for 8 months.
He has not come home from work and has told me he came so close to ending his life today and did not even care. The only thing that stopped him was me being left alone to look after baby DD.
I have tried so hard to help but I dont know what is best anymore. He needs more than just a prescription.
He spoke to the GP the other day who has referred him to a Psychiatrist as previous CBT and counselling has not helped. The ADs seem to have little affect anymore even after increasing the dose.
What do I do now? Im waiting for him to come home but I'm so scared he is going to do something.
If I take him to A&E will they help him? What will they do?

you've done the right thing OP
he needs help and hopefully he'll start to get it now

Thank you both. He just came home though. It turns out he went and sat in a bar instead "sobering up" and has decided to go tomorrow instead. He is now asleep in the spare room.
Will they follow up on his call to them?

How did you manage with your DH nolongeranxiouscarer?
I know he's very ill and it breaks my heart to think about the person he used to be when we met. But I just can't cope with being made to feel like shit anymore. I'm just tired of this life now. I'm sick of being spoken to like crap all the time. A shit mum, a bitch, the list goes on..
When does enough become enough and I pack a bag?

so did he ever go to a&e? if he left before they'd said he could they may call the police to retrieve him (this is what they said they would do to me many years ago when I got fed up of waiting - I didn't leave in the end).

can you get someone to look after your dd tomorrow and drive him to the hospital?

If he's been on ADs for 8 months and is still like this it is a bit worrying. perhaps it is not the right medication for him? it can take a while to find one that works well and some can just make you worse.

Unfortunately, in my experience, mental health services are severely lacking ( maybe that is just in my area though) but I really hope he manages to get some help soon

It makes me doubt myself whether I have got him to do the right thing..was he really bad enough to get to this point?

Yes

Am I being too OTT?

No

He is very pissed off with me and says that he hates me but at lease he is there.

This is relatively typical of someone who is in the psychological state your DH is in. It is unlikely that he will hate you forever.

I agree with GloveBug as I have had the same experience, being kept on A&E with the understanding that the police would retrieve me if I left the building.

However, if your DH never made it to A&E in the first place, call the crisis team now, give your DH name and DoB, and tell them what has happened. Try, if you can, to stay calm when you are on the phone to them. The crisis team may be able to send someone to your home to assess your DH. There will start to be safeguarding concerns around your DD and you need to flag this to the crisis team as well.

Hang in there. If you cannot cope with your DH at home with you, be sure to make this clear to the crisis team.

Thank you glove bug

No, he didn't even set a foot in the door.

I'm going to take DD to my Mum's and go with him once we have both caught up on some sleep. I am exhausted and he seems rested at the moment.

I don't think the medication is working for him. He is on Citalopram, which was increased from 20mg to 40mg in the new year.
You're right, the services are lacking here too. Whilst they have been very good when we have reached out, they are under so much pressure and there are a lot of people that need help even more than DH.

I'm worrying about his drinking though. Any time off to himself involves drinking and rarely in a normal social setting. He works in an environment where he has a "beer fridge" in his office for team socials etc so it's very easy for him to stay there getting drunk when everyone has left. This will lead to several days of feeling guilt and dread.
I think yesterday he purposely didn't take his ADs so he could drink.
As much as I tell him that it will amplify his feelings of depression, it seems to temporarily numb his pain..

there are a lot of people that need help even more than DH.

This is a judgement call for professionals to make. It sounds as if your DH's drinking is a real problem. Resting yourself sounds like a good idea. If your DH continues to drink, then you do need to prioritise your DD IMO.

How is your relationship with your inlaws? Would your DH go and stay with his own parents, for example, in the best interests of his DD? Would they have him, do you think?

Hi erinaceus I just saw your reply too. Thank you for the reassurance.

How easily do you think we could get him somewhere privately? Can the crisis team do a referral letter do you think? How long would an appointment take privately?

It's difficult because I don't want to push too hard as he has a habit of disappearing for hours at the sign of any confrontation. I'm trying (and failing) the gentle approach and letting him take the lead.

I understand their concern for DD. I just feel grateful that she is blissfully unaware of it all. I would obviously never leave her alone with him now things are at this point.

Do you mind if I PM you?

Op

You need to tell your dh loud and clear that he must seek help as his problems are now having an adverse effect on your own mental health.

Calling you names etc is him projecting his bad upbringing onto you and his child.

If nothing changes nothing changes and right now he is on a very destructive path.

It's difficult because I don't want to push too hard as he has a habit of disappearing for hours at the sign of any confrontation. I'm trying (and failing) the gentle approach and letting him take the lead.

Suicide is a rare event, and hard to predict. You can only do what you can do, and the rest can be left to professionals who handle this situation on a daily basis.

On your DD being blissfully unaware, how old is she? Yes, I agree, leaving him in sole care of her at this point would be in poor judgement. If he is drinking and suicidal I would keep him away from her altogether to be honest. I am not a professional in this field though.

Get support for yourself if you are able - does your Mum know how bad the situation is?

A friend of mine who is a psychiatric nurse , had her DH struggling with depression.

She told her DH she could not cope with how he was behaving and would support him if he got help but was not prepared to continue this way.

He broke down , but thought he was all better because he cried, 2 days later back in the same place so then did seek help and things have improved.

I am not sure how you think there are people in more need , he seems to be sucidal.. There is no way back if he suceeds.

Hi OP,
Just reading your posts and my heart goes out to you, it sounds as though you have EVERYTHING on your shoulders. Do you have some RL support you can call on? Women, especially after birth can be incredibly strong but not unbreakable xxx

Poor mental health is not an excuse for abusive behaviour and you definately should not have to tollerate this. It may come down to saying to him, this can not continue either you get help or I need to move out for a bit.

To be honest I have found that crisis team don't tend to follow things up unless they think a person is a) willing to engage with them and/or b)imminently suicidal. DH has had many attempts where he has then said he didn't really mean it (2 in one day once) and there has been no follow up offered, even when he disapeared after discharge from hospital with crisis team support they didn't attempt to find him and just waited for him to get back in touch a few weeks later. If someone's not under section they can't force treatment on them. I would definately either take him to A&E or phone crisis team and see if they can visit at home. Another option is to phone 111 and ask if zn out of hours GP can come out to see him, but as crisis team are already aware of him I wojld try them first. If possible you being there too can help as you can makesure he is not downplaying things. Though DH has chucked me out the consultation in the past for saying things he thought might get him sectioned and they will only have you there with his consent.

Hi, so sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through.

I can tell you how I've dealt with my own, sometimes severe, depression and suicidal thoughts (some of which have lead to suicide attempts).
I've had depression since my teenage years.

I've hit 'rock bottom' many times when I've wanted to end my life, sometimes just thoughts of ending my life and sometimes attempts to end my life.

I found my family very unhelpful and of the belief I'm just 'attention seeking' and there seems to be a general mistaken belief that if you talk about taking your life, you would never do it...anyone that does really want to, keeps it secret .
My partner seemed concerned about me, but still didn't seem to take it seriously...broke the bathroom door down to stop my slitting my wrists, pulled the blades off me, but then left them laying around and didn't bring up the whole incident again
I self referred earlier this year to NHS self referral after bad depression & strong suicidal urges, they put me on a CBT waiting list and said it would be at least 6 months to wait (I didn't go through my doctor as had previously gone through my doctor asking to have CBT and was told I could only go on the waiting list if I took AD prescription first, which I refused as I didn't want the AD side effects)...they offered me no other help, despite me saying in a telephone interview I was suicidal.
I paid £50/week to go to a private 'EMDR' therapist for 4 weeks who never actually got round to doing any EMDR!!
I contacted a local CBT therapist who advertised that she had a student of CBT who charged less for sessions...explained I'm on the minimum wage, could I have some appointments with her student...she replied saying sorry, she couldn't help me????!!!! (great empathy skills for a therapist!!)
Sooooooo, coming to the conclusion that I might have only myself to rely on (not easy when you are depressed!!)...I got out my CBT self help books out and forced myself everyday to do the exercises. I've done the self help before and it's great, but you really need to keep at it and keep at it probably for the rest of your life, because the illogical thoughts keep coming back.
Light bulb moment came for me when reading about how the author of the books treated a suicidal woman who had previously been in an abusive relationship...she and author worked out she'd been telling herself she was 'defective' and believed that's why she'd been abused...so basically blaming herself for the abuse.
This rang bells for me and I knew I was telling myself the same thing (alongside other illogical beliefs, such as expecting myself to be perfect, everyone to like me etc etc!), I'd been on the end of bullying abusive behaviour from family and work colleagues.
I did the exercises to deal with these thoughts..particularly helpful was 'Acceptance Paradox'...most powerful CBT technique I've used.
I had a complete turnaround and my depression lifted and suicidal thoughts went.
I make time every week, every other day is best, to do the exercises and the depression scales (depression score sheet) before and after to see if the exercises are working...it always works!
The books are by Dr David Burns... 'Feeling Good the New Mood Therapy', '10 Days to Self Esteem' and 'When Panic Attacks' are the ones I use the most. I keep a notebook for the exercises.
This last 6 months is the best I've felt nearly the whole of my life.

Maybe these books could help your husband? I follow the author's blog and he said how pleased he was to receive a letter from someone who had decided to end their life, until a friend gave them his book 'Feeling Good' and it stopped him and changed his life.

Sorry erinaceus of course you can PM me. I appreciate the support.
DD is 4 months so she is keeping me very busy. I told my parents last week that he was in a bad way but not the full extent.

starlight That seems to be where we are at the moment. DH was up this morning on his laptop working and wanted to go to the gym. At my suggestion of seeking any help he told me he is fine and I am just being ridiculous. (If I actually did take him I really don't know what they would say as once again he seems fine on the outside.)

ginswinger Thank you. I am close to my family and we speak daily. They do not live round the corner but I know they are there if I need them. I do wish I had some childcare closer to home though.

quitelikely nolonger
He told me I only want him to go to the hospital so I can take DD away from him, along with other crap too.
I have made it very clear that the way he is treating me is verging on emotional abuse and whilst I will always be there to support him and of course ensure he has a good relationship with DD, the way he is behaving towards me is NOT ok.
I have told him if he doesn't seek help this week I will have no choice but to leave until he makes changes. We spent the day together and he told me he's had a lovely day.
If he is moody the blame is always placed in my direction though. He's never been man that would treat a woman like crap but I'm aware since DD arrived he is turning into one.
nolonger
You went through so much. I hope your DH is doing well now.
DH is a master of downplaying things at the moment. How do I even call anybody for help when he is sitting there working or out at the gym? I know how bad he was, and I know he will be there again at some point, but I don't know how I can convince anyone else? He refuses to do anything that may mean he has to take time off work too. Which rules out any in patient treatment. He has promised he will book a private psychiatrist appointment on Monday but I really don't know if he will.

Hello gourmetgold
Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me. I'm so glad to hear you finally found something that helped you.
It's so sad to see how many barriers people face when they are suffering with mental illness, especially when it is often so hard for people to ask for help in the first place.
DH has had self esteem issues for a very long time as a result of his childhood and the emotional abuse and physical violence he was subjected to.
He had a 3 month wait for CBT before he started taking AD's and they wanted him to do group sessions which was certainly not what he wanted to do. He briefly tried a private counsellor but did not do it for long as didn't feel he was getting anywhere plus it was not something he could afford at the time.

One thing DH has been open to over the past year is reading so I am going to take a look at them, particularly the 10 days to self esteem. Thank you.

Sure, will PM.

Oh god, such a long message!! Thank you all for your support though. It really has helped being able to speak to people on here.
Fingers crossed he will book the Psychiatrist appointment on Monday. In the meantime I will keep him close by and look after him the best I can.

Hi Anna, that particular book would be a great choice for your husband ...it's basically a workbook, you can write directly into the book or photocopy the pages to do the exercises, it also has 'Acceptance Paradox' technique which I find the most powerful...though all of them are great.
There's just not enough publicity about these books and how amazing they can be in helping people.

A lot of people believe that depression is something you just have to 'live with' all your life and a few pills to numb things is the best you can hope for, or being wealthy enough to have a therapist...it's not!!! That includes trauma/ptsd from childhood abuse..I experienced the same..it gives you a terrible inner critical voice...and it IS possible, with these books, to get past this and experience joy again.
If I could afford to I'd give Burn's books to every person on this planet, I would. They're like a manual for life.
The reviews on U.S.A. Amazon (.com) are good & really worth reading for inspiration, he is more well known there and his book Feeling Good is the most prescribed book by mental health professionals. He has done some great interviews on Youtube too, including a Ted Talk.

This interview is great, Dr Burns even demonstrates with the interviewer some of the techniques..

My husband is stableish at the moment thank you, he has a mental illness that is unlikely to ever go away, but once we managed to get into the system getting help has become much easier.

It's very very hard to get help for someone who doesn't feel that they need it/doesn't want to accept it. DH suffers from psychosis and one of the characteristics of that is that people generally don't know that they are unwell, which adds a whole other level to getting him to accept help. The best advice I can give you is to keep telling his GP how bad things are and to keep contacting crisis team in the moment, when things are bad. And aboveall else put your health and that of DD first.

Also not sure if you will be able to pursuade him, but there is far less chance of a safeguarding concern about DD being raised if he is willing to get help and engage with treatment, than there is if he continues as he is.