Feel like the world's worst mother

[MelbourneMum]

Just need to express this and have something say something vaguely encouraging.
I have two gorgeous ds's 21 months and 3 1/2 and have been on ads for almost 12 months and am going through a really low patch at the moment. I'm really up and down with it. I have no tolerance for these boys that I adore. I just want to sleep, have them play by themselves or hand them over to dh the minute he walks in so I can lock myself away in another room or go for a walk just to get some head space. I scream at them, not just shout, really scream and it breaks my heart and five minutes later we are all in tears and I feel truly like a monster. They are beautiful boys and I know the reason they are being naughty is to get my attention because I'm so distant because I'm just not coping. Tonight ds1 would not go to sleep and i just felt like if I had to go into his bedroom one more time I would slap him or shout at him or slam the door closed or all three.
I hate myself for being this mother that I never wanted to be and I love these two boys with all my heart. Its hideous and yet from all outside appearances my life is utterly blessed. I have two lovely boys, a gorgeous dh, a part time job I love, no real money worried, live in a fantastic area and have wonderful family and friends and yet I feel unable to cope with the slighest stress or pressure or demand. Time for more drugs?

hugs melbourne mum. it is shit feeling this bad. i have had depression too and know it does not matter that you have all the good things in life - if you are depressed, you can't enjoy them. you should see doc and look at meds and therapy of some sort, maybe. also, get a blood check and see if you have any underlying physical contributors to your mood. maybe you don't, but worth a look?
i really hope you can get some help
and you are not a bad mum

thank you . needed that hug and you saying I"m not a bad mum.

was only at dr last week and all tests normal but something going on...

Get back to the doctor and tell him how you are feeling. Write it down before you go, because if you are like me you'll go on a good day and say, "well actually I feel fine".

were you able to tell doc how you really feel?
i have always been rubbish at this, unless totally in tears!!

thats exactly what happened, went on quite a good day and she said 'oh you're doing so well on these lets just keep everything the same; which felt fine at the time (ish)
Oh f!*@ I hate this.
Deep breath. It will get better. I just want to weep when I look at these precious angels of mine sleeping and remember their crushed, devasted little faces when I was shouting at them.

thanks for posting.

don't torture yourself thinking about what you have done "wrong"
your kids are loved and are luck to be in this position. if you go for help it will also be them who benefit

thank you.
might take myself off to bed for an early night, sleep deprivation probably doesn't help.
x

Sleep well and, in the morning, write that list saying exactly how you feel on a bad day and take it to your doctor.

Just wanted to tell you that of course your are not a bad Mum, I am sending you a virtual hug! Take your time, after all you've been through these past months with waiting for the arrival of little Neve.... I am not depressed and still I sometimes wish my lovely dd (just one dc so far) would sometimes just do a little something without me and sometimes feel like yelling at her, locking her in her room or whatever.... Hope you already feel better!

thank you, you're lovely.

I've had a good talk with dh and for a start I'm going to simplify life. I'm on the kinder (nursery) committee, the play-centre committee and am trying to run my own business as well as look after my boys and have some semblance of a relationship and social life, so life is crazy busy and its not helping.
So I'm going to resign the committee positions and just try and claw back some control in life. We gave the house a spring clean yesterday morning while dh's sister took ds1 and ds2 slept so I feel a lot better not being surrounded by chaos!
We are moving house in a couple of weeks into something of our own which is smaller and mentally feels more manageable. I'm actually not stressed by the thought of the move, in some ways I feel like it could be a fresh start.
Have not shouted at the boys at all this weekend (having dh around helps) and this morning had a fun time in the garden painting with them. I just have very little tolerance which makes me sad. Have booked apt with dr on Tuesday.
xx

you are a good mum.
dont worry about that.
i think i dont believe on meds-ads anymore.
the intolerance is coming from stress i guess.
try to relax your mind-maybe yoga something, lessen your responsibilities a bit and dont try to be so perfect in everything(if you are so).
hugs and XXX.

and try to be positive.

Melmum - i do exactly what you describe in your op, we all do sometimes, it doesnt mean you're a bad mother - it's very very hard work looking after small kids and its totally normal to feel like this. I just try to remind myself that if i lose it with them during the day and especially at the end of the day it will make bedtime worse. DD1 sometimes stays awake calling me back again and a again for 2 hours after ive been mean to her, its totally counter-productive because it makes them cling even harder just at the point when you're hoping for some time to yourself. I've been there where you say you just feel like crying when you remember their little crushed faces. I often feel like a monster. I know how you feel when you just want to walk away from them or wish you could hit them over the head and knock them out finally! - Anything for some PEACE. i agree with the other poster - ADs may or may not be helping you, i have no experience of them but what is for sure is that you need to have time off apart from when you're at work. Preferably every day at some point, not just at the end when you're exhausted. You need to schedule some time for you. (She says, who hasn't done it for herself yet...)

a social time with your best friends will help as well, i think.
and if you do this regularly.

MelbourneMum ... I only just found this. Your post reminds me of how I felt when DS was younger and when DD was a smaller baby (my frustrations were directed to poor DS and I felt terrible about it).

I wish I could help in a more practical level but one of the things I have worked on this year (being on my own without DH, which often makes me Witch Mother From Hell) is actively making myself think more positively about stuff. I really find that the more negative I get, the more into the mire I get stuck ... and it take huge effort to drag myself out.

If it make you feel any better, something DS said the other week stopped me in my tracks.

I was going to Sydney for 4 days with work. Military planning was needed to organise children as DH was only coming back for 2 of the 4 nights. I arranged for DS to go to a friend's house. He was really looking forward to it.
I asked him if he would be ok when i was gone (he is a crap sleeper). And although he answered enthusiastically I wasn't convinced. I asked him if he would miss me.

He said, "No, I'll have two days off from your growling!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry ... the fact that he thought that crushed me. But the way he said it was hilarious, rolling his eyes and everything.

I agree with ghosty - sometimes if you're feeling like you're going under the best thing is to grab your DC and TICKLE them till they scream and you're both laughing again! Or put some music on and do a silly dance. I know it's hard when you're feeling depressed or ARE depressed- i had PND for 4 months and couldnt even raise a smile in all that time, my DD1 3.5 yo kept saying 'mama make a smiling face' it broke my heart but still wasn't enough to jolt me out of it.

I was on a grumpy downer today ... I have so much on my plate at the moment. Was being a shitty cow to the children.
In the end I took them bowling - we had a fab time and came home much happier

yes, just going out the house and to the local shop to buy something you dont need can help...(tho when i had PND i didnt go out for days on end...kids went out with DP)

See mm, you ARE a good Mum! Just wanted to share this with you: my dd's pediatrician said that having young dc is mostly tough on the mothers (no offense, Dads, please! - may be fathers when they are staying home). They do the educating all day long and say "no" about a zillion times. And when Daddy comes home the dc are happy because he did NOT say no all day long.... He said just to stay cool and relax and everything will sort out itself out, so that is what I am doing.

My Ma had a shirt that said "I have kids - nothing upsets me".
I kind of made this my motto.... Take care and good luck with moving house!!

oh thank you so much everyone for your words of encouragment and also for sharing the fact that you go through the same thing some days!

I feel good just now, the boys and I had the most gorgeous snuggle and play in bed this morning, it was such a beautiful way to start the morning with them laughing and playing and jumping all over me. So am feeling positive for a happy day! Positive thinking does make such a difference I know, I just have to keep remembering to turn those destructive thoughts around!

Ghosty, are you ok? When are you coming? So sorry, I saw your email and have not written back yet. Thinking of you though and so looking forward to seeing you all again.

thank you so much again everyone for listening and offering support. Its been such a strange roller coaster of emotions with all the joy of Neve and then coming home and admitting that actually I'm utterly miserable myself. getting there though.
xx

Hello Melbmum
I remember you from an overseas thread some time ago now. I'm now in melb, bayside, I think you are too? DS1 is 22 mths & DS2 4 weeks. If you think you might like to catch up let me know

hi teabags

I'd love to catch up, that would be lovely

I am in Sandringham, where are you?

My email is tuesday and the boys at gmail dot com if you wanted to email me.

My ds1 is 3 1/2 and ds2 22 months.
Gosh, 4 week old ds, how is it all going?
When did you arrive in Melbourne?

Ghosty will be pleased to hear there is another Melbourne mumsnetter too!

Hi, Today i feel like the worst mum in the world as well.
I've been shouting at little one (2yrs) and just now got older DD1 home and she just got on my nerves straight away.
Nearly felt like hitting her but instead ripped up her cardboard model which just consited of a box with a couple of straws stuck to it.
I'm just so fed up of the models, they don't even look like anything and i'm fed up of her room being full of boxes.
She has over 40 of them at the moment and wont let me get rid of them so today i just snapped and took out my anger on her model.
Now i just want to crawl away into a black hole as she is sobbing her heart out and i'm so ashamed of myself.
I suppose i'm feeling stressed today as i've got to visit my mum with the kids on Sunday and it just reminds me of how ill she is getting, (she has manic depression) and the drug she is on is making her forgetfull almost like she has alzeimers and she is only 62yrs old.
I'm just feeling depressed about everything even though i have no reason to.
Can only think about all the bad things and if i wake up at night i just cry myself to sleep.
I'm just scared of becoming like my mum.
AB

sorry you are feeling bad!! Sending a big virtual hug down your way!! Maybe (if you haven't done already) you can just explain to her that sometime's Mummys have so much on their minds that they have to let off steam and apologize to her? How old is she? Maybe she will understand and it will be oK. It probably was not the best thing in the world to do, but I don't think it will hurt her either (of course hurt feelings, but no infinite damage iyswim). And I believe that Mums do have a right to lose their temper every now and then. Hope you can sort it out with her and I also hope you can cope with your weekend. Wish you good luck. I know that probably sounds stupid as I have no idea what your situation is like, but I do wish my Ma was still around, she died age 55 and I miss her terribly! Take care now!

Thank you Linjasmum, I've made it up with her.
She will be 5yrs old in June and she does know that mum explodes every now and then and i do try and give her a warning to stay away for a bit.
We've had some lovely cuddles tonight and she says she loves me even when i'm a nasty mummy. Just melts my heart.
I'm so lucky to have both of them.
I love my mum a lot also, seems like i spent most of my childhood "looking after" my mum as she has agrophobia as well and it just seems so unfair that she is going downhill so fast.
Three times this week she has called me to come and see her NOW! but it would involbe a 95 mile round trip and £5 bridge toll.
Last time she only saw me for 10 mins then wanted me to leave!
Anyway, got other things planned to do on Sunday after visiting her, however short that visit is.
AB