Suicidal DH. What do I do?

[sonow]

He's been depressed for ages. Yesterday morning when I was out he had a meltdown and tried. Then again when I came back.

We went to hospital at his insistence when he'd "calmed" a bit. Eventually after hours of triage, assessment etc, they gave him some leaflets with some crisis numbers on. They said since he was already on a waiting list for therapy (which he's been on for months) there's nothing else they can do. They didn't even say he should review his medication. They did nothing.

I have nothing but praise for the actual staff who were all friendly enough in what is clearly an insanely busy system; they even gave us a cup of tea and food at one point which was kind. But the outcome was us leaving and him determined never to go back in any circumstance, feeling like they don't give a shit and it would be better and cheaper for them if he just did kill himself.

I don't know really what to do now. I've texted my boss and "booked" a few days of leave but I don't quite know - do you hover? Avoid hovering? Take all the knives away? What's best?

Have no idea - but can you ring the helpline numbers and get some advice etc?

I wish there was a solution.
Right now, I wish there was someone to sit near me and give me a hug. Will he let you do that for him? The pain doesn't go away but it is comforting to know someone cares.

I don't know how to help but my DP says he has suicidal thoughts so I can empathise. I have thought about ringing Mind for advice. DP very lucky that his employer arranged counselling quickly and it seems to be helping.His doctor said I had to keep an eye on him but the responsibility is too much. I can't watch him 24 hours a day. Is there a local mental health crisis team you can speak to. Thinking of you . It's very hard

Can you ring the Samaritans for some immediate advice? Can you ring your gp and request / insist on a home visit today? Thinking of you both. It's a horrible situation for you both to be in.

Go to your GP and see what help you can get there or can you afford counselling? He sounds like he needs immediate help and unfortunately, sometimes help only comes when people are put in danger. Speaking from personal experience as my dad has mental health issues. It's awful to see someone you care for struggling so much. Sending you love x

I'm sorry that you and your Dh are struggling like this. I have walked in your shoes and the desperation and fear are truly horrific. Sadly, there isnt a lot you can do to get him help if he won't.
I would second the poster above.
Ring your local Mental Health Crisis team and explain what is happening. Also ask about support available for you.
They may not be able to help but , and I'm so sorry to say this, but if the worst does happen then it does help to know you tried your best.
Unfortunately, my beloved DFiance was ultimately successful. It helps a bit that i knew I tried to help. It lessens the (misplaced) guilt if not the grief.
I truly hope your DH can recover from this, many, many people do.
Please remember to be kind to yourself, i wish you strength and love.

Can you ring the Samaritans in the interim?

Also. I'd ring your GP up this morning and get an emergency appointment. His GP will review his meds (he might need a therapeutic dose or them changing to help during this bit) and they may be able to help hurry the counselling up.

It's disgusting that a suicidal person is put on waiting lists! Sending unmumsnetty hugs OP

I'm so sorry you and your dh are going through this. I've been through similar and it is terrifying. I would try the crisis team and see what they can advise. I must admit though the care these days is shocking! All the best op

so - if you ring samaritans they will advise you on the best thing to do - you need some support too as well as your dh.

They are usually really good and may have some options we are unaware of.

I know this is sensitive and very hard to do but it's also important not to 'talk' him out of how he is feeling - but maybe talk more about why he feels this is the only way out. Does he want to be dead forever or just for today? Has he thought of ways to do it and what might happen if this did or didn't work and it's ok for him to feel like this.

It doesn't really help to say things like 'you don't really want to' or 'what about me' because thats just denying his feelings.

Sometimes a warning sign can be when someone who previously has expressed a desire to take their own life stops talking about it because that can mean they have have come up with a plan and therefore the pressure is off them a bit.

It can also help to remind people whilst feelings are very valid they are also only temporary.

The Samaritans won't give advice. They will listen to you however. I know a lot about this - wish I didn't. After years of dealing with this in SOs and myself I realise that you as an individual cannot stop someone from making attempts.
The best advice I can give you is to call the Crisis team for your area. Your GP will have their number. They are really good and will visit regularly (sometimes daily). They also have a psychiatrist who will make a home visit. They can arrange immediate admission if necessary too.
It is also essential that you get support too. Finally, as I said earlier, you will need to accept that there are limits to what you can do.
Sorry you're going through this.

I have been thinking about my post and I should have considered my words better.
I'm sorry I brought up my experience, i don"t think it was helpful.
I'm just so fucking angry at the lack of health care provision. I have lost to many male friends to suicide over the last couple of years.
Ask for help, shout and scream if you must but don"t be fobbed off. Your DH is ill and right now can't see his way out.
But many, many people do recover and there is a strong case for him being one of them.
PM if you wish, I may be able to help.
Take care .

I agree with pps- get an emergency appt with GP. Sorry your experience at a&e was so shite.

Thank you so much everyone and sorry for vanishing. I just haven't been able to reply and don't have much time now but I'm so grateful, I've been reading your replies and talking to him about options.

No luck today but tomorrow I'm going to push again to get to the GP or call the crisis team.

ghost, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss, and also if my post stirred things for you again** it's my very worst nightmare and you have nothing to apologise for at all.

I'm incredulous at the lack of support people receive. I always assumed if they were at that real point, it would switch from "here are some standard SSRIs, ignore the side effects and get on with it."

GP. There are more than leaflets out there.

So sorry for you.

This next post might be extra triggering.
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Please please please close the tab if talking about methods is, or please report me to Mumsnet, I'm not sure what's allowed.*

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But tonight I'm feeling inappropriately angry and upset after being surprisingly calm so far.

The method he chose would have left him in burning, agonising pain for at least 20 minutes as he bled to death. He would have been tortured to death, it's not an instant method. And I'd have had to live with that image forever.

If he'd randomly survived it, and people apparently do, chances are he'd have dyed in agony a few days later instead.

I know it's not about me, and to reassure anyone reading, I have fuck all intention of ever saying something so selfish to him ever.

But how could he do that to me? I wouldn't be able to live with that knowledge. He'd be effectively signing a death warrant for me too.

I know logically the answer is "he was in so much pain that he wasn't thinking, he just wanted it to stop", but it doesn't match at all with the thoughtful and loving man I've known for 10 years, and it tears me apart again.

I also think he's somehow idealised that method of killing himself, horrible as it is. He's thought about it since he was a child.

I almost wish, and this is bizarre and horrible I know, that there was a non-painful way which could be offered. It would still tear my life apart, it's still unimaginable, and I'd still never recover, but I'd know he didn't die in agony.

www.papyrus-uk.org/help-advice/im-worried-about-someone

Hi.
I'm so sorry you are going through this....the link above is for young people, but the advice is straight talking and useful.

I really hope your dh is feeling not so awful very soon. Sending hugs to you. X

I'm sorry, I X posted with you Sonow. I have no advice for you I'm afraid....
It's ok for you to feel angry, and your post is not at all selfish. It is important that you can access support for yourself too.
I would strongly advise that you call up a helpline where someone with specialist knowledge can help/advise and support you. X

The Only advice I would give is that you set out your concerns to the GP or the team he is under/who have assessed him as able to wait for therapy and note he is escalating and at risk. A written audit trail is rather powerful. Make sure it's sent recorded delivery so you can prove it has been received. All the better if he gives consent for people to speak to you on his behalf.

Practical question: I've locked all the knives in my car boot for now. Just to try and stop feeling sick.

Should I put the razors and pills there too? What if he finds this ridiculous and wants them back for shaving/headaches etc?

Have you phoned the Crisis team?

He won't let me.

Pills under lock and key I'm afraid.

He won't let me.

You need to, anyway. You are both at crisis point, by the sound of it. Please contact them.

I can't offer any advice but I can offer a big hand hold, I'm so sorry you're going through this