Suicidal DH. What do I do?

[sonow]

He's been depressed for ages. Yesterday morning when I was out he had a meltdown and tried. Then again when I came back.

We went to hospital at his insistence when he'd "calmed" a bit. Eventually after hours of triage, assessment etc, they gave him some leaflets with some crisis numbers on. They said since he was already on a waiting list for therapy (which he's been on for months) there's nothing else they can do. They didn't even say he should review his medication. They did nothing.

I have nothing but praise for the actual staff who were all friendly enough in what is clearly an insanely busy system; they even gave us a cup of tea and food at one point which was kind. But the outcome was us leaving and him determined never to go back in any circumstance, feeling like they don't give a shit and it would be better and cheaper for them if he just did kill himself.

I don't know really what to do now. I've texted my boss and "booked" a few days of leave but I don't quite know - do you hover? Avoid hovering? Take all the knives away? What's best?

You do need to ring the crisis team, for both your sakes. I know it will feel shit. But I would say do it.

Crisis team asap regardless of whether he wants you to. He needs to be sectioned for his own safety... massive hugs x

Use the crisis team numbers - they are best placed to provide urgent help and advice for both of you.

Unfortunately the Samaritans won't be able to advise you but they would listen and talk to either one of you about what you are going through. Better for your husband to speak to them directly if he is struggling but you can call as well if you want to talk about how it's affecting you.

He doesn't need to "let" you. You must call. Sorry OP.

Will he speak to crisis team ?
You can call but they will want to speak to him

If you are worried you can call 999 to get him assessed by paramedics.

What is he doing now ? Keep a mobile on you so you can get outside and call if you need to
It s a hard thing to do but you can't take some responsibility he needs help so do you

You can't take on all the responsibility
Would he be admitted voluntarily ?
Do you have dc?
I had to refuse to have ex come home to get him admitted on voluntary basis

Crisis team may not get involved if he isn't consenting, they may advise you to call an ambulance if you fear for his immediate safety and want a MHA assessment, but they (the ambulance crew) would make their own judgement and wouldn't necessarily have great mental health knowledge. As his nearest relative under the MHA act you are able to request a MHA assessment, you could do this either by contacting the local CMHT or contacting Social Services and asking to speak to the Duty AMHP. They would at least have to see him to consider whether an MHA assessment is necessary, I think! Hope that's a tiny bit helpful, I work for a CMHT but my knowledge may be a bit rusty as I've only just returned to practice. Also there are some places that offer short stays for suicidal people, run by volunteers, I think they may be called Haven or Sanctuary or something, you could google, would your DH consider something like this?

OP:

You are not responsible for your DH's actions but that does not mean that you cannot help. One thing that you could do is take the decision out of his hands and call the crisis team or 999 to discuss the situation. If you would like your DH to be assessed under the Mental Health Act, as his nearest relative you have the right to request this. You will need to be explicit about what has happened and what you would like to happen. You could also go and see your GP on your own behalf although I am not sure that they can take action if your DH is not with you at the appointment.

I agree with PP about crisis houses and the like. We have some in our MH trust, however one needs to be able to keep oneself safe in order to stay there and it sounds as if your DH might be past that point?

As for the angry feelings, share them on here. Now is not the time to share them with your DH if you are able to help it. If you do get angry with him that is understandable but if you are able to be calm with him that might be easier for now.

Take care of yourself.

Please phone your local crisis team for advice. They were so helpful when we rang them in similar circumstances (and also without the consent of the person concerned). And if they advise calling ambulance or police, do it.

Thanks so much everyone, I'll try to find the number, I'm not too sure where he stowed the leaflets but maybe the GP could give it to me.

And don't worry - as I said I don't plan to be angry at him about it, ever. It's logically understandable of course but also inappropriate and self-centred, and that wave of fury from last night has passed for now at least.

I'm going to try and call my boss today for a catch-up. There's a huge project I'm in charge of which I need to be there for tomorrow. I'm not too sure what to say really, or how to say confidently "yes I'll be back in" when I'm not.

Maybe that could help me convince DH that calling is the best thing (as I'd like it to be his decision ideally): it could help me give my boss a bit of a timeline of where help's coming from and when.

No family involvement sadly, we don't exactly have those sorts of families (partly why he's been depressed his whole life I think).

When people are thinking irrationally they may not seek help.
Do what you can do e.g. call gp. call 999 . call crisis team. Tell everyone. Get someone to cone and see him... gp or paramedics. Take him back to a and e.

I understand that you might want calling the crisis team to be your DH decision. However it sounds as if there is not time for that. It also at some level implies that it is your boss' need for a timeline, and not your urgent concern for your DH safety that drives the decision.

I think it is okay to express your anger towards your DH at some stage. Just, not today. For today, safety first.

As for your boss, "urgent and serious family issue" covers many bases. Apologise to your boss and say that you will update them at X time (e.g. tomorrow?)

He is obviously very unwell poor man, I would take him to gp and also make sure you both eat,etc. If he is listening try and give him small tasks to do, when I was very depressed doing something small and practical could bring a moments relief. Hugs to both of you.

I don't think your DH has capacity to make the decision whether to call the MH team or not. I would just do it- make the call. As DW you are allowed to do that.

Regarding the being angry- of course you are. Just don't tell him just now. Telling other people though in RL or on here though is good though as it must be incredibly difficult for you to deal with.

It's difficult to understand how someone can do such a thing. But really, your DH has probably lost his grip on reason in his head. Depression can sever your emotional connection to other humans, and unfortunately that also means empathy is out of the window. And it can make you believe things that really aren't true. When I'm unwell I can appreciate that doing away with yourself hurts people, but I get convinced that I will hurt people more by staying alive and it makes perfect sense. When I've been 'better' I've been absolutely horrified and disgusted with myself that I could think of doing such a thing- and it's like someone else thought about and did those terrible things. So please, remember he is not himself at the moment, and make that call.

Well. Went to the GP today.

She was very breezy and said the Crisis team are useless and will just refer him back to the GP anyway. She'd once had an old man with a machete threatening his wife and they'd said they could do nothing, so they weren't likely to be helpful. She then managed to IM a colleague to get the Crisis number again anyway as he'd lost it.

She said he can just keep coming off his medication as "most people just feel a bit dizzy" and are fine. That he'd been coming off it slowly anyway (he's been on it for 8 months at 30mg and has reduced to 10 in less than a month, which I think is fast).

Again - pleasant woman. Probably very candid. And in fairness, he's worlds away from where he was on Sunday. But he's still not ok and I don't think he ever will be. I am just ... astounded.

I pushed her to push for a psychiatrist referral at least, she said she'd see what she could do but it was likely to be months (with a bit of a laugh and shrug). I thought I was being helpful but he was really upset afterwards that I'd taken control like that though, and said I'd been grumpy at her; it's very triggering for him after his childhood and is one of the reasons I hesitated to call without his consent.

It's all complicated really.

For now I'm just counting every moment with him as valuable, listening when I can, and trying to do more housework as neither of us are good at it and it can get him down more than me. This has all been a wake-up call in that respect. I'm so glad my work have given me some leave, I can't imagine it if they hadn't.

He says he feels calm. I'm still so nervous of leaving him alone though.

Wow. It sounds as if your GP was not helpful. The strain on you in all of this is enormous. I am of the opinion that professionals bad-mouthing other professionals is of itself unprofessional, as is disclosing details of other patients' crises. If the GP does not have a high opinion of MH services then she ought not laugh about this and dump responsibility for your DH on you. It sounds as if she is not particularly clued up about medication either.

I understand your feeling nervous about leaving your DH alone at the moment. Do you have anyone else who can be with him to give you some respite?

Please still contact the Crisis Team. Home Treatment Team paid daily visits to me at a difficult time for me. Worst that will happen is they give you the brush off.

I am concerned that someone suicidal is having his meds reduced. I am concerned that your GP is not taking this seriously. Call the crisis team if you have the number. If you are in anyway concerned for his life then call the police. Check the cupboards for stashed medication.

Thinking of you

most people are pleasant. It doesn't mean what they are suggesting is sensible though. If your DH is worse when his meds are being reduced surely it doesn't make sense to carry that on? What is the logic for reducing them? Did they help at all?

I'd actually be concerned about him being calm but that's because I'm a suspicious person. When I'm calm I'm usually plotting something. He may just actually be calm because he's feeling better. But just in case…

A suicidal person waiting months to see a psychiatrist is not okay. I work in London and if a GP marks a referral as urgent here they will be seen in 7 days. If they mark it as an emergency they will be seen in 24 hours. I would ask to see another GP but I appreciate your DP may not agree. So sorry this is so stressful for you

Have you got a local counselling service? Maybe even a private counsellor who could do some reduced rate counselling? It sounds like he and you could really do with him having a safe space if he could talk?
It's awful how little suppprt you're both getting here. It really is.

Please please phone the crisis team. If your DH unhappy about it, ask for advice anonymously, without naming him.

The GP doesn't sound as if she's grasped the seriousness of the situation at all.

The police would be your best bet, they have the powers to detain people on a 136/135. He would get taken to a place of safety, then he would be assessed by a section 12 doctor and an AMHP. This doesn't mean he would be sectioned, but he would get pushed up the list and receive help a lot sooner. Obviously this only applies if you he is a danger to himself or others.

I'm so sorry you are both going thorugh this sonow. Are you both safe at the moment?

Sad to say that I have been in a similar situation with DH and had very similarly disappointing experiences with the NHS and crisis team. In some places the level of care is just non-existant. It puts a terrible strain on the carer/ loved ones. Sometimes the wife/husband is the only one willing to be there to deal with the problems. We don't have the right kind of family either so I know how extra isolating that can be.

I dont have any real answers but you could try Rethink. I have found them to be very good in my new region. Thay can't change the system but can offer some support to you at least. They might have some helpful local knowledge.

I now what you mean about the terrifying dread and worry you are feeling and what you are imagining. My DH has longstanding thoughts and plans and when in that state of mind he is nothing like his 'real' self. It is the illness. It is all the illness.

I say the withdrawal does sound fast but I am not a doctor. Perhaps try a different GP? As a carer you can go withput your DH as my DH was exactly the same in wanting too blame me for anything he perceives confrontation. He is a bit better now in that regard.

Yes to paying privately if you can.

A lot of people do recover so all is not lost. I hope you find some thing/ some one in your area to help you both.

At the risk of repetition, please phone the Crisis Team