I don't know what to do.
Things are pretty shit in my head. Outwardly I look like I'm doing kind of ok for a depressed person.
I've got the kids so I can't talk to anyone anyway. Last week I thought I would tell the MH team that things weren't going so well. But the last couple of days I've managed to convince myself that I cannot tell anyone what is going on, and that everyone is better off without me, especially my kids. I'm petrified my kids are going to end up like me because of me. I couldn't cope if they ended up like me. I don't know if I'm getting unwell or whether I'm just being selfish. I think selfish. If I carry on looking after them I think the risks of them being like me are just increased more and more.
I'm on a shit load of medication already. I've been on medication for over half my life. Part of my fear of actually telling the MH team is that there is nothing that can be done, this is just me, this is just how it is and I've just got to face choosing to be in the abyss or not, alone. I don't think I could cope having no hope at all, where as I might be able to cope if I don't tell the MH team as then I don't have anyone telling me outright that there is no hope.
I don't know if that makes sense.