can't talk to MH team about what's going on in my head.

[dangermouseisace]

I don't know what to do.

Things are pretty shit in my head. Outwardly I look like I'm doing kind of ok for a depressed person.

I've got the kids so I can't talk to anyone anyway. Last week I thought I would tell the MH team that things weren't going so well. But the last couple of days I've managed to convince myself that I cannot tell anyone what is going on, and that everyone is better off without me, especially my kids. I'm petrified my kids are going to end up like me because of me. I couldn't cope if they ended up like me. I don't know if I'm getting unwell or whether I'm just being selfish. I think selfish. If I carry on looking after them I think the risks of them being like me are just increased more and more.

I'm on a shit load of medication already. I've been on medication for over half my life. Part of my fear of actually telling the MH team is that there is nothing that can be done, this is just me, this is just how it is and I've just got to face choosing to be in the abyss or not, alone. I don't think I could cope having no hope at all, where as I might be able to cope if I don't tell the MH team as then I don't have anyone telling me outright that there is no hope.

I don't know if that makes sense.

NB I am actually trying to do all the things I should be doing, forward thinking and planning things and stuff. I just think it's all a bit pointless?

Have no useful experience or advice, really, but read this and didn't want to leave you.

Your kids would definitely not be better off without you. The fact that you're so self-aware has got to be a good thing. And the fact that you're thinking about them shows you're definitely not selfish.

Someone with more useful advice will be along soon but in the meantime look after yourself. and maybe a nice or .

Thanks for the reply hairy I do think they'd be better off with their father who is not a mess ever and therefore is better placed to look after them. He won't if I'm around to look after them though. I didn't used to be self aware it was a HV who pointed out initially that my behaviour would have a bad impact on kids. Now it's just me there is no counter balance to me apart from school and their father every other week.

I think you would be better off telling people how you feel. It would be hard, I understand your reasons for not wanting to - but they're there to help.

Your children are undoubtedly better off with you around. None of us are perfect parents but any child would choose an imperfect parent over one who isn't there.

I hope someone with more experience is along soon. Keep looking after yourself, keep posting. Hugs.

Your kids are likely to grow into kind,understanding adults who accept others and don't judge- just as mine have. You're probably a better parent than you realise, but it's hard to see it yourself. You're not alone xx

I don't know that the kids can manage any more of this. It's my 4th terrible episode in less than 3 years. I think there must come a point where medical ppl say that there is nothing that can be done. I feel like I'm being rude/ungrateful in feeling awful and thinking like this. I've had lots of help. I'm doing what I should to be ok. I should be fine. I think that maybe this is just how I am and that things aren't going to get any better so there is no point discussing it with anyone medical. I've got that whole breathing hurts thing. I hate it.

dangermouseisace I don't want to correct or undermine your feelings, but when I feel like I'm not good for my children - and I really do understand how convincing that feeling can be - it often helps to talk it through. I panic because I know how I'm feeling and think that must equal a dreadful childhood, but if I talk through the day to day reality of life for them it's quite different to what's in my head.
Might talking to your MH team help think things through?

You very clearly love your children. If this is a bad episode then there must also have been better times in those 3 years? How did you get through the bad episodes before?

Hi OP,

We're sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, (and we can see you're seeking some RL help, which is great) but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek further help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

thanks for the replies I do appreciate ppl taking the time.

Bad times have been got through by prescribed drugs/hospital/MH team/chance. A lot of chance. And not being able to look after the kids during that time. It is a struggle at the moment.

I'm worried that MH involvement just makes things worse…that maybe all the drugs etc have just made things worse, although I cannot function at all without them these days. I feel like I'm just like a pharmaceutical experiment on legs. I nearly called someone this morning. But maybe things will improve by itself.

Hi dangermouse

So sorry to hear that you are in this dark place again.

Are you safe at the moment?

I think there must come a point where medical ppl say that there is nothing that can be done.

Experience tells me otherwise.

Hang in there

Hi erin yes I am safe as I have to be at the moment- kids are here. Which means I am unfairly arsey with them.

I am glad that you are safe . Keep on keeping on.

I don't have any children so I'm not much help with that - I wish that there was something I could do. I can listen on here. Keep posting if it helps.

how rude of me. thanks for the flowers erin but how are you?

I don't think you were being rude.

How are you this morning?

I'm struggling today. I'll be alright. I've a lot going on at the moment, and keep having a day or two of "awful thoughts" here and there. I didn't sleep last night. I'm currently curled up under the duvet eating peanut butter on toast.

I hope today improves for you erin, and sorry that you still have the 'awful thoughts'

I'm ok. Everything is falling to pieces which is a bit of an physical indicator things are not ok head wise, and harder to ignore. Mainly cos I keep tripping over the mess. I'm going to try and sum up courage to give someone a ring. I don't know if that made sense- head full of cotton wool...

Thanks dangermouse

I am feeling a bit better now. I took some benzodiazepines and had a snooze. NB the benzodiazepines are prescribed.

Now I am procrastinating.

Do you have a sense of who you can call? Do you have a crisis plan for example? You sound pretty clear on here to me, but I am not a MH professional.

Hang in there.

Glad you got some rest erin. Procrastination is my favourite word.

I think I do have a crisis plan. I know who I'm meant to call. I just don't know if this warrants it though as I always think 'well it could be worse...' and I've got my alter ego in my head going 'shhhhh don't tell anyone telling people is failure'

It could indeed be worse. That would be, erm, worse.

In case it helps, I have been turned down for crisis support once before. It was hellish at the time but in a way reassuring - the people doing the assessing will say if where you are at is not bad enough or they do not think that they are the right service for you at that time, which was a relief for me to know.

Sometimes I can wait the crisis out - usually if I can identify the trigger. If I have no idea what the trigger is, it is more likely that a review of my medication is needed. That is roughly my rule of thumb. It might not be yours.

Is telling people failure? I do not think so. Probably it's a good idea to make the call if you can.

Stay safe.