Everything is coming apart

[utterchaos]

Everyone in my family is unhappy. I've made a miserable family.

I'm not sure what topic to post in but went for mental health in the end as I think that's the route of a lot of the problems.

I've alway been a bit of a difficult person. Or someone who seems incapable of doing anything without making it difficult for myself in various ways, but I've alway been able to just about get by. Now I've got other people to look after it's all too much I think, I'm only just keeping my head above water and it's really fucking chaotic, this feels very precarious. I think I have ADHD, for lots of reasons. I've gone into it in detail here and it fits.

My house is a tip. If SS came I expect they'd take the kids. I won't let anyone in the door I'm so ashamed. The kitchen is a state. We can't use the dining room at all. Every room in the house is terrible, clothes everywhere (none in drawers). Toys, broken things, papers, bags, books, corridors across the room you can walk on. In my bedroom we just walk on the stuff.

I'm in debt and not opening letters. I remember being younger and hearing about people who ignored their mail and thinking how stupid they are. I don't think I've opened my post in about 6 months. Occasionally I brave myself to open a letter. There was one threatening court for a fine of £300 that I shouldn't even have to pay. I stuck the letter in my pocket and meant to ring them then forgot. No idea where the paper is now and that was about a month ago.

I owe about £18K on cards and overdrafts that built up just on basic living expenses. I gambled that DP would get a job and we'd be able to pay it back but he hasn't. I'm scared the bailiffs might come.

A year and a half ago, I had an excellent credit rating and was just meeting the payments on 3 cards. Now it's through the floor.

I can't remember anything. Barclaycard sent me a text today saying the 30 days grace period we agreed is nearly up. I forgot we agreed anything like this. It rings a bell now they mention it. I owe money for everything. Cards, school clubs, nursery fees you name it.

I need everyone to go away and leave me alone for a day or so so I can have the mental peace I need to tackle it - but that day never comes.

I work freelance, at home (am meant to be working now). I've taken on more work than I can really manage, I hoped to try to clear some debts with it but I'm not managing to even get to the end of the month with it. I'm scheduled to work 6 days a week - but I also share caring responsibilities for my gran, so instead of working 6 days I'm often packing it into 5 by working evenings. The kids are really missing me. It's worse than me not being here in a lot of ways. They see me stuck to my computer and ignoring them. I get really cross and frustrated and snappy with them when all they want is a bit of attention. I have no work space becaue it's too messy to get to the two desks we have. I sit on DD's bed to work, or front room when she's in bed.

My youngest in particular is getting really naughty, to get attention. She should be having a lovely time being 3. She used to be such a sweet, well behaved little girl. Now she's deliberately annoying and naughty and I've made her like this by ignoring her to work. Plus she's seeing two grownups argue.

DP injured himself a few years back and can't do his old career job. He's got a part time job that tbh doesn't bring us in any money at all once you take childcare and travel off. He's desperately job hunting - for anything - but getting nothing. He's in pain constantly and he's depressed.

DP and I are stressed and fighting all the time. The kids see it. I snipe at DP for doing the same old things he refuses to address and he explodes in front of the children. I have lost sympathy for his pains as I feel he doesn't do enough to fix it. He probably thinks I'm being a bitch.

DP is a good guy, kind, generous, good natured. But emotionally closed. He's out of his depth and has no idea how to deal with this. He's gone from being a happy go lucky person to a stressed, angry and tense person who's on the edge of loosing it all the time.

My eldest is lovely but I suspect is on the spectrum and can be very difficult to deal with. He's 9 yet I still have to argue with him daily about stuff like brushing his teeth, getting dressed etc. He needs me to help him, to fight to get a diasnosis, but I just feel so overwhelmed all the time. He's sad or angry a lot of the time. I get cross with him. He's now started to talk to his sister how I talk to him when I'm cross. It's not good.

I have no idea what goes on inside DP's head. He never shares his feelings with me. He's a closed book. He never criticises me, but never talks about plans for the future either.
The idea of being emotionally vulnerable terrifies him I think. Plus he only seems to have two settings "I'm right" and "I'm the worst person on earth" He doesn't seem to know how to discuss things that are going wrong in a constructive way.

We have built up so many issues but he just won't talk about any of them. We haven't has sex for months now - maybe 6? 9? I have no idea. He never mentions it. We have never had a proper conversation about it, not once. He know I want to talk about it.

We have no money. Our car broke. My computer that I need for work is falling apart and my productivity is shit. I have no decent clothes for client meetings.

I don't know where to start to get us out of this.

If you've read this far you deserve a fucking medal!

Have some

Also, we have no social life - no money or time to do anything like that. IAny spare time I have I feel I should try to tackle the house but I fail.

The mess of the house means we can't bring people here. DS hasn't had a friend over to play in over a year.

I thought I left the iron on the other week (no one was home) and thought - oh well if it burns down at least all that fucking mess will be gone. It felt like quite a relief. That's not right is it?

We have no family or friends nearby we can call on for help (I travel to help care for my gran).

I really want to change all this. How? Where do I start?

route root.

OP sorry to hear what you're going through. There's a very good charity against poverty that help with debt counselling etc they are called CAPUK. I would contact them in the first instance.

Feel for you :-(
If I were you, I would print off what you have written and take it to my GP. They could start with your current mental state and work forwards. This way you don't have to explain it and they could see extent of problem. If gp is shit, I would get an appt with citizens advice the debts and then think about whether to speak to health visitor about youngest, and the gp again re your partner. You could set small achievable targets around the house that you both tackle together or apart - whichever works best. Don't try and do all at once though or might be overwhelming. Progress is progress. Best of luck xx

I'm scared the GP will tell SS I'm not coping and I'll lose the kids.

Sorry that came out wrong. I don't mean I won't go to the GP.

I know I need to go. I'm scared if they know about the state of the house they'll call SS.

SS don't exist to callously take children away from parents who love them. They will work with people like you who are struggling and it's an absolute last resort to remove children.

Please don't be afraid to see your gp because of what you think SS might do.

Tried to talk to DP after my first post and he ended up screaming and leaving the house.

He's coem back and is angrily doing washing up now.

We can't communicate without shouting these days. If I express negative emotion or critisicm of him he gets angry. If I explain that him being angry is shutting me up so I don't get to express what I feel, he loses the plot.

It wasn't always like this. We didn't argue, ever. We got along. I thought not arguing was a good thing. Now I know DP was doing anything he could to avoid emotion as he can't fucking handle it.

If you hand't had sex with your other half in 6 months or more - wouldn't you mention it?

He does want to make it right. He's still here, for one. I know he feels a strong sense of duty to me and the children. Does he still love me? Maybe. No idea tbh.

PurpleDaisies sorry I didn't explain myself well. I know I need to go to the doctor.

I was just scared if I showed them this thread the house being so awful might bring SS to my door.

You are in crisis but you are not sunk. You will be ok and this will be the bad place that you get back from.

Agree that you must go to the gp. Do not avoid the GP because you are afraid of SS. They want to support you, not take your DC away.

You also need to get your living conditions in more order so you can get some peace. Do a 10 minute timer tidy in each room. Empty bins, clear cups to the kitchen, put clothes in the laundry basket. You will feel better at once. Then 10 minutes again tomorrow. Build it up.

Is anyone good at life counselling?

How do I start tackling all the problems? Where do I begin?

DP and I desperately need relationship counselling but how do you do that with no money or time?

If DP had a full time job it would be so much easier. But it's just not happening. I can't cope with the amount of hours I'm doing but I can't afford not to.

DP is too grumpy with the kids (probably because he's in pain all the time) and in too much pain to tackle the house while with the kids.

I need time at home to do it but I have no time.

I need friends to come help but they're miles away and busy with their own shit.

You don't mention any support network. I'd there any extended family or close friends who could be with the kids one day or a half day over the weekend? If you had some regular arrangement like this for a few weeks, you could start getting on top of things slowly. And I do mean slowly!

I think it is clear from your post that there are some deeper, underlying issues. Tidying the house won't solve those, but it would provide you with a starting point to start looking at the other things.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Most people have had dark phases in their lives where they needed help and they will be happy to offer this to you.

Good luck.

We have no support network where we are at all.

We do have lovely friends but they are hundreds of miles away. It would never have got this bad if our friends were about I suspect.

That's another thing, we both miss being part of a commnity I think. We've very isolated in a lot of ways where we are.

We want to move but no money to right now.

Just saw what you said about friends being far away.

Could you do a swap? So one week you go to theirs, help them with their stuff - I find it makes little difference whether im taking care of two kids or four, for example. And then the next week they take your kids and you and dh can start working on stuff.

I have a feeling that relationship counseling would be a great idea but perhaps further down the line? Try and take care of yourself for now, and to get yourself to a better place both mentally and practically.

I see. Hundreds of miles is too far for a swap of course.

Could your dh take the kids out for a day or half day regularly (!) say every Sunday morning?

Is there a friend who could come for a day or two and help you get your place straight?

If any of my friends confided that they were struggling and asked for help I'd be there for as long as I could and would stay in a B and B so I wouldn't cause more stress.

Once the house isn't so bad it's much easier to carry on/maintain.

I think pps have given great advice. Sounds to me that your first point of call would be your GP to get you mentally strong enough to tackle the other practical matters which will then filter through to your DC and DP (who should also seek GP advice) in a positive way. This is entirely irrelevant, please forgive me for this, I only mention it because you said we deserve a medal for getting to the end of your post, you have a very engaging experience relaying ability. I mean this as a compliment, you clearly have talent and manage to have humour at such a very difficult time in your life and I reckon you can hone this to your advantage to pull you out of your nightmare (makes sense in my head!). You can turn all this around, like pp said one bit at a time, starting with your well being. I wish you all the very best you sound lovely.

I do have one friend I could ask. She'd understand. She might want to bring her BF to though and I don't want him to see it.

She wouldn't be able to come lots - she'd have to travel to get here and she's busy, but I know she'd come.

I'll speak to her. I need to find out what days I'm being with my gran first though.

This is goung to sound mad - but need someone else with me to tackle the tidying.

Not to do any actualy tidying or cleaning necessarily, I want to do that bit - but to help me stay focused and on task.

I'm hopeless on my own. I can't seem to cope with doing what I'm meant to be doing. This is where the mental health thing comes in.

Once something is an obligation I avoid doing it. Little things and big things. I can be hugely productive doing creative things I've thought of, or helping other people out - that's always a good motivator. I'm good at doing things for other people. Doing things to make my own life better doesn't motivate me. But menial trivial things that most people can just bash out - I have an enormous barrier to. I put them off, they fester until they are huge things.

I don't do anything, ever, until it's an emergency. I run my whole life like this. I've got so many things to do that I've left, now, my whole life is living as an emergency and I can't take it, the wheels are coming off.

I've also noticed than when I finally do face the tidying I feel awful, really bad. Like I'm a terrible person for getting to this state I feel lower than low. It's really hard to get going. Once I fight through that and get on with it, I get into it - but usually getting to that point takes until I have only a little time left to finish it (emergency mode). I am very easily distracted into stupid tasks (rearranging cutlery drawer type stuff).

I massively appreciate someone with me to say "oi, get back to it!" and just be there with me to keep me company and stop me going to that dark place.

Pretty fucking pathetic, hey?! But I think have to start admitting this stuff or it's going to carry on isn't it?

DP can't do this role, he doesn't get it. My friend can I think. She just laughs at me (in a friends way) which is what I need.

Phoenix76 thank you you are very kind. Have some more

Actually, I have one gin tin in RL. I think I might have that now. I don't usually drink on my own without DP but I think I feel like it right now.

I need to find work clothes to wash for tomorrow (last minute emergency. as always). I'm seeing a client first thing. Fuck, the iron broke this morning, I meant to buy fuses.

You sound very inisghtful! Keep doing all that mental work and definitely invite your friend over.

Try to stay focused on what's important rather than the small things (cutlery drawer). I have recently chucked out my ironing board because I haven't used it in years. The last time I ironed anything was for my wedding. And I have client meetings too. Nobody will care or notice.

I hope you get a good night's sleep.

Thanks Lalunya85 :)

An off to bed - finally. It's far too late (was up til 2 last night so better than that at least). Can't do it till it's an emergency, see. Stupid. It's urgent now, must go to bed!

Pretty standard rubbish morning. DP and I argued. DC fought each other. DS cried and wailed about brushing his teeth. I had to brush them while he screamed.