Everything is coming apart

[utterchaos]

Everyone in my family is unhappy. I've made a miserable family.

I'm not sure what topic to post in but went for mental health in the end as I think that's the route of a lot of the problems.

I've alway been a bit of a difficult person. Or someone who seems incapable of doing anything without making it difficult for myself in various ways, but I've alway been able to just about get by. Now I've got other people to look after it's all too much I think, I'm only just keeping my head above water and it's really fucking chaotic, this feels very precarious. I think I have ADHD, for lots of reasons. I've gone into it in detail here and it fits.

My house is a tip. If SS came I expect they'd take the kids. I won't let anyone in the door I'm so ashamed. The kitchen is a state. We can't use the dining room at all. Every room in the house is terrible, clothes everywhere (none in drawers). Toys, broken things, papers, bags, books, corridors across the room you can walk on. In my bedroom we just walk on the stuff.

I'm in debt and not opening letters. I remember being younger and hearing about people who ignored their mail and thinking how stupid they are. I don't think I've opened my post in about 6 months. Occasionally I brave myself to open a letter. There was one threatening court for a fine of £300 that I shouldn't even have to pay. I stuck the letter in my pocket and meant to ring them then forgot. No idea where the paper is now and that was about a month ago.

I owe about £18K on cards and overdrafts that built up just on basic living expenses. I gambled that DP would get a job and we'd be able to pay it back but he hasn't. I'm scared the bailiffs might come.

A year and a half ago, I had an excellent credit rating and was just meeting the payments on 3 cards. Now it's through the floor.

I can't remember anything. Barclaycard sent me a text today saying the 30 days grace period we agreed is nearly up. I forgot we agreed anything like this. It rings a bell now they mention it. I owe money for everything. Cards, school clubs, nursery fees you name it.

I need everyone to go away and leave me alone for a day or so so I can have the mental peace I need to tackle it - but that day never comes.

I work freelance, at home (am meant to be working now). I've taken on more work than I can really manage, I hoped to try to clear some debts with it but I'm not managing to even get to the end of the month with it. I'm scheduled to work 6 days a week - but I also share caring responsibilities for my gran, so instead of working 6 days I'm often packing it into 5 by working evenings. The kids are really missing me. It's worse than me not being here in a lot of ways. They see me stuck to my computer and ignoring them. I get really cross and frustrated and snappy with them when all they want is a bit of attention. I have no work space becaue it's too messy to get to the two desks we have. I sit on DD's bed to work, or front room when she's in bed.

My youngest in particular is getting really naughty, to get attention. She should be having a lovely time being 3. She used to be such a sweet, well behaved little girl. Now she's deliberately annoying and naughty and I've made her like this by ignoring her to work. Plus she's seeing two grownups argue.

DP injured himself a few years back and can't do his old career job. He's got a part time job that tbh doesn't bring us in any money at all once you take childcare and travel off. He's desperately job hunting - for anything - but getting nothing. He's in pain constantly and he's depressed.

DP and I are stressed and fighting all the time. The kids see it. I snipe at DP for doing the same old things he refuses to address and he explodes in front of the children. I have lost sympathy for his pains as I feel he doesn't do enough to fix it. He probably thinks I'm being a bitch.

DP is a good guy, kind, generous, good natured. But emotionally closed. He's out of his depth and has no idea how to deal with this. He's gone from being a happy go lucky person to a stressed, angry and tense person who's on the edge of loosing it all the time.

My eldest is lovely but I suspect is on the spectrum and can be very difficult to deal with. He's 9 yet I still have to argue with him daily about stuff like brushing his teeth, getting dressed etc. He needs me to help him, to fight to get a diasnosis, but I just feel so overwhelmed all the time. He's sad or angry a lot of the time. I get cross with him. He's now started to talk to his sister how I talk to him when I'm cross. It's not good.

I have no idea what goes on inside DP's head. He never shares his feelings with me. He's a closed book. He never criticises me, but never talks about plans for the future either.
The idea of being emotionally vulnerable terrifies him I think. Plus he only seems to have two settings "I'm right" and "I'm the worst person on earth" He doesn't seem to know how to discuss things that are going wrong in a constructive way.

We have built up so many issues but he just won't talk about any of them. We haven't has sex for months now - maybe 6? 9? I have no idea. He never mentions it. We have never had a proper conversation about it, not once. He know I want to talk about it.

We have no money. Our car broke. My computer that I need for work is falling apart and my productivity is shit. I have no decent clothes for client meetings.

I don't know where to start to get us out of this.

If you've read this far you deserve a fucking medal!

Have some

DP suspects he's going to get sacked this week. He's missed lots of work due to his injury and he's been underperforming because he's not sleeping and so he's tired at work a lot. Plus his boss is an arse.

Where does that leave us with tax credits? Will we still get Child Tax Credit if only I'm working?

It's going to be even harder for him to find work if he's not working isn't it. And what about a reference? Fuck.

This is a fucking depressing thread! It's helping to get it out - but FFS!

Maybe if I winge through the medium of other people's comics it'll be less unremittingly dull ...

If it's helping to get it out, keep writing it all down! Have you made your appointment at the GP yet? Sounds like your dp needs some effective pain relief, when you're in constant pain it can make you as moody as fuck especially if it's affecting your sleep. With regards to his job, it's hard to say what's going on there if he's been effectively communicating with his boss about his medical condition they should really be offering some kind of support especially if he can demonstrate that he's been trying to help himself. I'm afraid my knowledge of tax credits is lacking so hopefully someone will come on here with advice about that. With regards to your house, I've often felt suffocated by the never ending clutter, could you just start by getting a black sack, maybe affectionately name it the "sack of doom" and just start putting stuff in it for the tip that you really don't need (appreciate that like me you'll need more than one) but that simple act really helped me and as more space grew so did my happiness! It actually became quite fun. Are there any things you could sell for a bit of extra cash? That can add up. Maybe with your family, as hard as it is in your situation, that humour of yours which is fabulous, instead of getting angry which will be reciprocated, why not just have a go at being you again? To me, for what it's worth, you sound very intelligent and although your situation is far from funny, you are funny! I'm reckoning if you get a hold of yourself you can change all this. I know it's not 2am yet but I need my bed, perhaps you could have an earlier night tonight too, you managed 1am yesterday let's try 12! 😄

I fell asleep on the sofa about midnight last night. It's a progress of sorts!

DP might be getting sacked today. I really feel for him. He's hating the job but this is not a great way to leave is it. He's putting a brave face on it and saying he can use the time to sort this place out, but it's not great for his CV is it?

DD will have to leave her nursery too, we won't be able to afford it. She's going to be really sad about that.

Phoenix76 your sack of doom idea made me smile, thanks, I'll try that.

We do broken-bits amnesty boxes - when we do do a big tidy up, any broken things or toy sets that have bits missing go in the amnesty box. At the end of the tidying anything where all the bits have turned up gets fished out of the box, along with anything it's essential to fix and keep. The rest goes out.

DP got the sack

Well, near enough anyway. He's on a zero hours contract so they can do what they like. They said they were cutting his hours (to zero) but would still like to be able to ask him to come in to do "special projects" from time to time. He seems relatively upbeat about it.

We just spoke briefly on the phone to I don't have the full story yest but I reckon he should tell them where to stick their special projects. But unless he finds another job he can't say no really. At least it'll look better on his CV I suppose.

I feel really sorry for DD. She loves that nursery. She won't be able to go now. So sick of things being shit.

Once something is an obligation I avoid doing it. (...) Doing things to make my own life better doesn't motivate me. (...) I don't do anything, ever, until it's an emergency. I run my whole life like this.
This reminds me very much of the 4 tendencies by Gretchen Rubin. Gretchen Rubin 4 tendencies Quiz It might be helpful, OP, to do the quiz and reflect on your type.

On a different note: I would ask your DP to take the children out for a day, book the day off work and tackle the house.