I have no idea what my existence is for

[QueenyLaverne]

As above really. I'm in my thirties and have pretty much felt like this my whole life.
To me life feels painful and sad, I see no real point in it. I just suffer.

I know many of you will tell me to go to the doctors because i sound hideously depressed but i have tried everything over the years. I really have. Ive been on antidepressants, NLP therapy, talking therapy, overhauling my diet, supplementation, you name it ive tried it. While some of them have worked for a short time, I always without fail end up back at this low point which seems to be the frequency on which my life runs. I suffered terribly for 10 years in my early twenties with crippling OCD, its a lot better now but it's like an addiction and never quite leaves you.
I live with my parents due to financial difficulties and have done for two years now to sort myself out which i have done. However, now i have sorted myself out I realise i have no actual means of moving on and out of the family home, (which I have no choice as my parents need to sell and relocate for their retirement which I have already 'ruined' for them, they dont want me here). Ill never buy my own house and rental prices have soared in the two years since I have been at home, not that they weren't high enough before, that's what partly got me into the financial mess i was in.

I work seven days a week and just cant do anymore to earn much needed cash. I seem to get on really well with everyone in my work places but when it comes to friendships, I literally have none. I dont have any friends, I have no boyfriend as we split up when I had to move back home two years ago. I have no idea why anyone would want to be my friend and have felt like this again all m y life including school age.

I see people around me who have things I am 'supposed' to be working towards, a house, a family, a career but if I look close to home, my parents, my older sister, my brother, they have all of the above and are still miserable. I think to myself, I do not want to end up like these people they have it all and are miserable. I think to myself if this is all there is to life then I dont want it. I dont want to end up like these people doing jobs they dont like, just to pay for a house they dont really like but can afford, in relationships that just dont seem very happy, with kids they didnt want or in my parents case living with their 30 odd year old daughter they dont want to live with.

If there was a door I could walk through to get out of this I would.

Hello OP,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources]. You can also go to the [[http://www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section now.

I don't have any great advice, but didn't want to read and run.

It sounds like your problems divide into 2 areas - the social and the practical.

You say you can't afford rents where you are, and you're struggling with friendships. You want an escape route.

I know this is a bit off the wall, but what about travelling? Or getting a live in job in another country? Or moving somewhere cheaper, but that has something you love doing? Skiing, walking in the mountains, beach, whatever?

Could you make a bucket list? What do you really want to do? Be as way out there as possible, at the moment it's just your fantasy. Then go through and work out if there's a way you can move towards making it a reality.

Close your eyes and picture yourself in your perfect life? Who is there? Where are you living? What are you doing? Then take each part, and see how you move towards it.

So - ie I want to live in a beautiful villa in the south of France. I want to entertain lots round my infinity pool. I am fluent in French. I have several lovers who all know about each other and adore me. At weekends I fly to the Dolomites to ski. I am a life coach. Or whatever. (NB that's not me - the only time I skiied I bent a pole...)

France - how can you get there? Holidays? Language course? What could you do job wise to enable you to work in France? Nanny for an expat couple, for example? Would that enable you to live in the lovely house and provide savings so you could save up for property yourself? Could you buy in a cheap part of the UK and rent out so you start on the property ladder? How would you raise the money? Can you learn to ski locally on a dry snow slope? etc etc etc

What do you want from the fundamentals in life? We're all conditioned to the marriage and kids, but it isn't for everyone and doesn't make us all happy.

Honestly, if you have no ties and have a bit of money to get started, I would be so tempted to travel. (might be my wishful thinking...)

Thank you Lornamumsnet :)

Thank you Narnia, some good stuff to think about - much appreciated xx

That sounds hard Queeny. I was going to suggest something similar to Narnia. How about volunteering abroad - VSO for example. It could give you may things such as purpose, social life, life experience and you'd be helping people at the same time. I think a lot of people consider it but are held back by fear or family ties etc., but you sound like you don't have much keeping you here so it could be just what you need. No point looking back in ten years and wondering what you could have done. I wish you all the best.

from what you say it sounds like you 'appear' to be stuck as an overgrown child at home, whilst everyone has moved on. You're miserable but so is everyone else! Your family doesn't sound like a cheery family. Most people I know are happy with their home, relationship kids etc. Maybe stepping away from them a bit might help?

You don't have to do what everyone else has done. You have no ties. The world is literally your oyster.

Also…do you live somewhere really expensive? If so, have you considered getting a job somewhere cheaper and perhaps sharing a house/flat? In the city I recently moved from many of my 30 something friends are house sharing. Some of them work for a bit, rent out their room for a bit and travel, come back work for a bit and so on.

QueenyLaverne I am so sorry that you are going through this. What helped me, and it might not help you, was just keeping trying different things. I tried all sorts and just kept trying. I am still something of a work in progress but I am okay with that.

I also did a big mind-map of all possible possibilities in a thinking outside the box sort of way then struck off option after option until I had found something that seemed viable. I suspect I never did whatever it was that I landed upon, but I remember finding the exercise helpful at the time.

MN also helped me through the worst bits, so keep posting here if it helps.