Really considered stepping in front of a truck today

[TalkToMePlease]

Sorry, this probably won't be the most cheery thread... Just wondered if anyone was around to talk it through and didn't mind.
I'm not depressed, I really don't think so, I've been depressed and suicidal years ago, this is not that.
I do have anxiety and it is taking over just now.
I'm not substituting MN for professional help, I'm just interested to talk it over with "real" people. So my feeling is although constantly having the urge to or thoughts to hurt myself in ways that could be considered endangering my life or wanting to end it - I don't, I really don't. In fact I'm making plans and working towards the future, so why these thoughts and feelings? Is it self-sabotage? Have others felt this way?

I didn't want to read and not respond so that you are feeling this way. I'm not a professional and I recognise that you aren't substituting professional help for MN but I think it might be a good idea to phone the samaritans to talk this through?

Agree with Nom. I'm so sorry, TalkToMe, you sound quite dazed and confused about the way you feel. Contact with people who can get to the bottom of why you're feeling this way would be a really good thing I think.

Chatting here is good if you want to 'sweat the small stuff' but for the bigger stuff, you need professional help I think.

If you just need a bit of validation that you're not the only one to have felt this way then you have it. I was like this for a period several years ago. I don't remember much about it now but I do remember that it was an awful time and you really do have my sympathies.

On occasion, I have briefly visualised driving into the central reservation of the motorway at 80mph

I'm not going to do it, but at some very low points it has seemed like a viable alternative to carrying on

It's very matter of fact, and fairly fleeting. I feel no guilt for having those feelings. It just feels like you could if you wanted to, but you won't IYSWIM

Is that what you are describing ?

Honestly. Either call samaritans or your local crisis team.
I found a part of my depression is denial. I try and tell myself and others that I am in a better place than I really am. Most people without knowledge accept the mask, people with knowledge see what's going on. But even then I down play it.

I've also found that how things manifest on each occasion differs

Gosh, love, what's happened to make you feel like this?? I also second the Samaritans if you're feeling this way. I'm not a professional either but will be up for the next hour if you would like to talk?

The Samaritans are there even if you are not actively suicidal, btw. You don't have to be at absolute rock bottom to accept professional help.

I wholeheartedly recommend the Samaritans even if your feelings aren't 'active'. It's hard to talk through this shit - and you really need to talk it through - because people understandably freak out at it, which means you internalise it and put yourself at risk.

I've been where you are and I'm sure I will again - I have a counsellor who gets it, the odd friend & as I say, the Samaritans. I felt like I was heading to that next level so I've gone on meds to try and help temper these feelings.

What's going on with you?

Shit, didn't expect you all to be so nice and understanding for some reason, feeling emotional which makes me think I do need to talk it through with someone and something is behind this.
The thoughts aren't really fleeting, they go on all day, different thoughts depending on the situation/what I have to hand and stop me sleeping properly, it's exhausting at the minute, alternating with panic (about what exactly I don't know, I don't understand anxiety).
But I don't think I would do it, like pp said, or at least not well enough.

Oh, that sounds much darker than what I was yapping on about.

Exhaustion/panic sounds like outside help is in order

It's a vicious cycle.
Lack of sleep brings on these strong urges. This strong urges bring on lack of sleep

Mental health is a funny old thing and it's difficult to sort out your feelings especially when you feel low . Sometimes Its only when you actually voice how you feel to others , as you have here, that you realise you may need a bit of help.

Make an appointment with your GP , you shouldn't have to struggle with this.

I think this is about your anxiety. Do you find if you're thinking about ways you could hurt yourself that sort of blocks the anxiety for a bit? Less panic because you have a plan? I think you really, really need to talk to somebody in rl. Do you get on well with your gp?

I can really empathise. I've suffered with awful anxiety over the past two yrs and I was at rock bottom Jan/Feb of this year - frequent panic attacks, seriously toying with the idea of crashing my car, putting a shotgun to my head etc.....all very fucked up.

Therapy has helped enormously. The panic attacks have almost completely subsided. Occasionally I'll have one out of the blue, no telltale warning signs, it just comes on. Suicidal thoughts have also disappeared. It has been a very unnerving time but there is hope, things can get better.

You're all right. I'll try and go in and discuss with a GP, I do have medication but try to avoid going in as much as possible as they're pretty hopeless to be honest and different GP each time.
Occasionally the thoughts calm the panic and anxiety swirling about I suppose the feeling of being in control and able to end it (although in my clearer moments I'm fairly sure I'd make a right hash of it).
God it's such a horrible and selfish thing to have thought, especially involving some poor driver in it all, this is only just occurring to me, selfish as I am right now..
I'm really sorry for all of you who are or have suffered in the past, hope it gets better.

Lots of people manage anxiety by working through in their heads what the ramifications of a situation are or how something could be done. You sound like you're doing a version of that but it's making you concerned and unhappy and you deserve to have peace of mind so yes, definitely go and explore this with your gp.

There's a form of OCD that manifests in intrusive suicidal thoughts.

Could that be it?

ocdfreedom.com/suicide-ocd-vs-suicidal-thoughts/

Hi TalkToMePlease,

Hope you're feeling okay this morning.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We're going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Best wishes to you, OP

I get this, I've got it really bad at the moment.
I have borderline personality disorder, or cyclothymia depending on which doctor you speak to
It called suicide ideation. It's exhausting. I just ride it out knowing it will calm down but it comes round in cycles for me.
See you're gp if you don't feel you're getting any better.