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to consider putting my children into care

72 replies

toomuchshit · 08/06/2017 16:35

Just on a temporary basis so i can get some help. I am not in a good way. I fantasise about suicide. I have researched lots of options but none are guaranteed. I don't want to die I just want everything to stop. I have no support, no friends, no family. My children don't deserve a mum who can barely cope. I don't know how much I can deal with. I don't want to deal with it anymore

OP posts:
whistlerx · 08/06/2017 18:38

You could call Samaritans first, instead of 111? With Samaritans you can talk the whole thing through without any risk of comeback (Social Services involvement).

user1469539565 · 08/06/2017 18:41

I would also echo what R1nderCella said about feeling that people don't like you.

When I was at my lowest I felt exactly the same way, because I didn't like myself. I definitely didn't see it like that at the time, even when people suggested that might be the case, because my self-doubt was so deep-rooted and bound up with my low feelings that I couldn't actually imagine that other people might see me differently.

As it happens, now I know that they did. They loved me regardless - in fact, the difficulties I faced actually made them respect me and 'like me' even more.

It's tricky. Often when people are struggling they cut themselves off from the support networks that they were in when they were happier. For a variety of very understandable reasons. And then they feel alone (I certainly did). Two things. One - even if you feel as though you've lost those people, I suspect that they do still love you and would want to be there for you. I would suggest you reach out to them if you feel that you are able to. Secondly - at times of crisis, you can (and hopefully will) discover all sorts of new support networks tailored to your needs. Some of these will be in a professional capacity (doctors/counsellors and the like). These are people who have experience of your situation and can hopefully offer useful advice. But you might also find other support networks that you didn't know existed. The samaritans is an obvious one; forums might be another. But I can guarantee you that many, many more people care about you and your situation than you might believe to be the case Flowers

toomuchshit · 08/06/2017 18:49

I told my mum how I was feeling. She said I should get a support worker from SW or just think positive. I told my "friend" who had stopped coming round last year and she told me that the only way I will sort my life out is if I just do it myself. I genuinely have nobody

OP posts:
R1nderCella · 08/06/2017 19:00

Well you have some lovely strangers on Mumsnet, from all over the world who are wishing you well tonight.

The advice from your friend and your mother was shitty, if only they know that it's not easy to think positive when you're completely and utterly low. But let's now dwell on negative things right now.

What time do you put your children to bed OP?

toomuchshit · 08/06/2017 19:07

I have put the youngest 2 to bed but whether they stay there is a different story

OP posts:
LovelyBath77 · 08/06/2017 19:44

Online, Elefriends site is great for support also. it is run by Mind.

R1nderCella · 08/06/2017 23:15

OP, did you manage to call 111?

Wolfiefan · 08/06/2017 23:18

Hoping they stayed put and you managed to make the call. Flowers

toomuchshit · 09/06/2017 07:55

No didn't manage to and today is crazy.

OP posts:
user1469539565 · 09/06/2017 12:16

Hi again, so sorry to hear that today is crazy Flowers

Thinking of you. Do you feel up to calling 111 today? It really might help. The elefriends site mentioned by a PP is a good suggestion too. I didn't actually know it existed, but I've had a look at it now and it looks like a really good resource. There's a button that says 'I need urgent help'. If you click it it tells you to ring 111 etc, but it also links to sections that have lots of useful suggestions about other practical ways to help deal with what you're going through. Might be worth a look?

toomuchshit · 09/06/2017 20:02

My head seems to be in a better place today. Will still get help but Im not scared about doing anything stupid anymore

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/06/2017 20:57

Good. I'm glad today is a bit better. YY to still seeking help. Flowers

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 09/06/2017 21:08

You are strong!Flowers

FuzzyPillow · 10/06/2017 00:23

You said:
"I don't really want to get SW involved. The thought scares me and I don't want to lose my children. I just need help."

I was wondering, what type of help do you feel you need?

Would you like different drugs? (Do you mind sharing the nature of your MH problems? Is it only depression or is there more?).

Or are you looking for counselling / just someone to chat to?

Or would you like more help with childcare / finances / job hunting etc??

Flowers
user1469539565 · 10/06/2017 03:39

That's great, OP! I'm so pleased. As others have said, please do still try to get some help; in fact now, when your head is a bit clearer and you're feeling a little bit better, is probably the perfect time to do it.

Still here for you if you need to chat though SmileFlowers

user1469539565 · 10/06/2017 03:47

Also, sorry that I've been been replying at odd times - it's the time difference! It's the morning here right now - was having my morning cup of tea, and then wondered how you were doing Flowers

toomuchshit · 10/06/2017 09:36

Fuzzy I have depression anxiety and ptsd. I dont know what help I need. I just know I need something. I dont work (I couldn't cope with pressure or people). I have cbt fortnightly. Maybe I need more. We are working on compassion therapy but I can't get past it. We have been trying since before Christmas

OP posts:
user1469539565 · 10/06/2017 10:55

Thanks for letting us know about your diagnoses, OP.

It's really good you're going to CBT. I'm inclined to say that weekly might be better, but if you're paying privately it's expensive, plus you have kids so might not have time. Also, perhaps compassion therapy just isn't the right fit for you? Have you spoken to your therapist about other options?

Has anyone discussed medication with you? I know a lot of people worry (probably quite rightly) about anti-depressants/anxiety meds being overprescribed, but they certainly helped me - I felt that they took the edge off both my depression and anxiety. They took a while to kick in properly though (about six weeks), so if you do go down that route, do make sure you continue with other things like the cbt.

I was MASSIVELY sceptical about it, but mindfulness exercises (specifically 'mindfulness-based stress reduction') really helped me get through worst times. I was really reluctant to try it as I thought it sounded like a fad, but I bought a book with a CD from amazon (I can dig it out and give you the name if you're interested) and it really helped. I still do some of the exercises (meditations?) now when I feel anxiety bubbling up, and it works, for me at least. It might not be your kind of thing, but I thought I'd mention it!

Also you say you don't work as you don't cope with pressure or people. Do you manage to get out of the house much (for walks/to do the shopping etc)? If so, how's your anxiety when you're out and about?

user1469539565 · 10/06/2017 10:57

Also, have you spoken to your GP recently about all this? If so, what did they have any suggestions?

toomuchshit · 10/06/2017 14:13

I am on medication but it can't be increased as I'm on the highest dose. Im scared about trying something new incase it makes me worse. I try to avoid going out as much as I can but sometimes I have to. It makes me really anxious and panicky

OP posts:
user1469539565 · 10/06/2017 15:09

I totally get your concerns about changing medication, and I think you're right - it can be rocky (definitely needs to be done gradually and with the support of a doctor). For now, I'd say just make sure you're taking them every day, preferably at roughly the same time of day. Sorry if that sounds patronising...I just know from my own experience that when things got really tough was when I tended to forget to take them, and even missing one dose could really unbalance me for a couple of days!

Flowers for you with regards to struggling to go out. I do get what that feels like, and it's awful.

It's great that you're managing to go to cbt every fortnight though, when going outside is such a challenge. You might not feel like it right now, but you are strong!

Serialweightwatcher · 10/06/2017 19:35

I'm scared about anti depressants which is probably why I've been stuck in same position for years but I know most of them can be taken alongside diazepam for those occasions when you need to go somewhere you feel panicky - ask your GP - even if you cut the lowest dose diazepam in a quarter or half for such an occasion, it can help take that edge off

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