Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

Original poster

To wish I was not here

17 replies

Unicorndreamer · 08/05/2017 21:39

Seriously having a bad time and i really just want to end it all. I have 4 amazing kids but I just feel so so shit. I hate everything about my life. Nothing is fun. I have so much, yet feel so empty. Too much to go into but honestly I just don't want to be here anymore if this is how I'm always going to feel. Nothing at all excites me or makes me happy. I have an interview for an access course to nursing Thursday and have wanted this for so long but what's the point ??? I know I won't be here next year to start uni anyways ! I'm a miserable fucker and no use to anyone. Dont give me sympathy or say things will get better cos I dont even help myself . I am fat cos no energy to do anything. Gone from size 10-16 and I'm so disgusting. My kids deserve so much better than me

OP posts:

Creampastry · 08/05/2017 21:44

Don't be so hard in yourself! You've got 4 kids so that's going to be draining. Being a good parent isn't easy! Try and go for the nursing interview as it could make a huge difference. What do you do now? If sahm, then the nursing will give you something else to focus on. And some "you" time. Do you have a partner? How do they feel about how you feel?

JustTrying2Help · 08/05/2017 21:45

Ok. I have been where you are. I have felt that. I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE you that it DOES get better and I know that you can't see this right now and everything feels like desperation and you don't know how to go on but please listen to me when I tell you this.

There is NO substitute for a mother to your children. This is the absolute truth. So unless you are on drugs or an abusive alcohol or something similar then those children will ALWAYS be better off with you!

I know it sounds like a cliche but counselling saved my life. Please find someone you can confide in that's in your life and let them help you.

Do you have a stable relationship with your children's father? Don't be afraid to tell GP how you feel as no-one will ever take kids away from 1 loving parent when the other parent is unwell but is actively seeking help!

JustTrying2Help · 08/05/2017 21:49

Just seen a previous post of yours about leaving your ex, are you alone?
Did you get your own place?
Is he bothering you?

Unicorndreamer · 08/05/2017 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ.

Original poster

Unicorndreamer · 08/05/2017 21:55

My story with dh is so long and complicated but is also causing me to be so un happy. Not him but his family and our situation . Nothing will change unless I make changes . Everything is such a mess

OP posts:

HildaOg · 08/05/2017 21:55

What you're feeling now is horrendous but you won't feel that way forever. Life is cyclical, there's the bad times and the good. Often when we're deeply trapped in the pits of despair we can't see that it won't always be that way, that this moment is just that.

You have to get through the bad to get to the good and you will get through it. You have to. You have four children who love you, rely on you and need you to get through it. It won't be easy but you will come out the other side. One day this horrible despair will be a distant memory and the good will be all the sweeter by comparison. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Know that you will get through it and you will be happy again.

JustTrying2Help · 08/05/2017 21:56

Listen please...

This is a mental illness. It's like cancer in that it attacks the brain where cancer attacks the body.

This is not your personality here, it is illness.

Please push your GP / Counsellor / Psychiatrists etc until you get a decent answer that helps.

And medication really isn't the end of the world, you HAVE NOT failed if you need medication to readjust the chemistry in your brain!!

aliceinwanderland · 08/05/2017 21:58

Depression is awful and debilitating. Medication is helpful for lots of people. Have you taken any?

BlackberryandNettle · 08/05/2017 21:59

All I can say is please try again with the doctors to get help - counselling/ changed medication. Sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. With four children as well that is a lot to cope with, hats off to you. Can you reach out to any other family/friends for help? I know if any of my friends felt like this I'd want to help.

MNHQ

IonaMumsnet · 08/05/2017 22:04

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Original poster

Unicorndreamer · 08/05/2017 22:05

Why was my message deleted mnhq

OP posts:

HildaOg · 08/05/2017 22:06

Please don't believe that this is like a 'cancer on your brain' as suggested by a pp. It's not. I've been where you are so many times and it was twenty plus years before I came out of it. What you're experiencing is an intense physical and mental reaction to all that is wrong with your life, it's mostly environmental. It's paralysing but you will get through it. What will help massively is cutting out anybody in your life who's causing you distress. Make sure you do your course, it will give provide you with focus, hope and allow you to develop your personal self.

Original poster

Unicorndreamer · 08/05/2017 22:06

Not taking meds at moment as had bad reaction to ones tried so far.

OP posts:

Original poster

Unicorndreamer · 08/05/2017 22:08

I wish I could cut out people causing me distress but it's complicated and dh refused to cut contact due to having to work with them and them being his family

OP posts:

Beerwench · 08/05/2017 22:14

You're not useless, and 3 things you say tell me that -

You think your kids deserve better. Whether this is right or wrong it means you care about them, love them and want the best for them. At the moment you don't feel you are providing that and I totally understand that, I have been there, and it's paralysing and a crushing feeling. Hang on to the fact you care - if you need practical help then ask someone for it (social services, friends, family) caring is half the battle and you've got that nailed. You're in a crisis IT WILL PASS and I promise you it will be worth it.
You have wanted to nurse for a long time - which means you want to help people and are willing to give over 3 years of your life to learn how to do that effectively. Go to the interview, you can defer or drop out at a later date if you need to, give yourself that safeguard. You have nothing to lose by going, you may have nothing to gain but you have nothing to lose and will keep your options open.
You say you have so much, which means you recognise and appreciate what you have. Which is a wonderful characteristic in any human, especially in a world where people don't a lot of the time.

You sound depressed, this is an illness, an illness that can and is successfully treated.
One day at a time. Did you get out of bed today? If you did then you achieved something, to do that feeling the way you are.
Depression is sapping your energy (not to mention 4 children!) And tackling the depression will tackle that which will in turn help you tackle your weight if it's an issue for you as well. One step at a time.
I was inspired by something when I was at rock bottom, a quote (don't know who by) about depression and it's effect -
"I don't want to die, I just can't live like this" which summed up how I felt, and I realised I had another choice, to change the 'this' to something I could live like.
I promise with help and support it gets better, I am living proof and I'm not the only one.
Please keep coming back and talking, ranting, whatever you need, having been on mn a while, I know there's others out there ready to support you.
XXX

HildaOg · 08/05/2017 22:14

Then your husband is the problem. Can you get rid of him?

MNHQ

IonaMumsnet · 08/05/2017 22:16

Hi there UnicornDreamer - we've dropped you a line via PM. All the best.

Flip