Wrecked my life, don't know what to do, trying not to panic

[CuddaWuddaShuddaBeenAborted]

Everything feels too big to fix.

When I speak to my birth mum on the phone, it's always 50:50 about whether I will start to go into self loathing. She'd be so hurt if she even read that. I was a difficult teen and young adult, and then at the end of my twenties quite openly blamed her for the mess I was. She left me with foster parents and one hated me so much.

I didn't know why he hated me. I work so hard to have plans and goals and try to take care of myself but I feel so worthless. My mum was young when she had me, only 17, and I ruined her life. She tried really hard to do the right thing but I feel she doesn't like me.

I gave my foster mum such a hard time too. She was brilliant and loved me so much but she died of cancer. She warned me when I was about 14 that me causing her stress could make her cancer come back and it did and I fucked up there too because I was such a selfish teen. I didn't look after her. She was a fucking brilliant mum to me, but at the same time I feel that emotionally she expected a lot from me, because her marriage was over.

I think of all these family members and how my life has basically done so much harm to them and I feel mad. I developed a serious illness as a child, and I take a concoction of meds to stay alive. I feel like basically that was nature saying I should have died, should never have existed in the first place, and my mum should have got an abortion. All me being alive has meant is pain for both me and other people I care about.

I do not want to fucking die and I feel in such an agony of guilt for that - because I just don't deserve a life. I'm shit in so many ways. I take up resources on the NHS that could go to nice people. I haven't found any job I'm any good at. I take benefits to pay the rent.

It's so exhausting, churning through life feeling not deserving over every bite of food, every tablet of medication, everything. I make myself keep going and going and keep trying but sometimes I feel like I'm breaking in the worst way. I've done therapy and not found it helpful.

I don't know what to do.

You are not to blame for your foster mothers cancer and you did not ruin your mothers life.
You are worth something.
Please see your gp.

OP please go and get appropriate help rather than asking for it on an internet forum.

You have had an extraordinary difficult time and you need and deserve help.

You are not to blame for your foster mother's illness (and she shouldn't have even implied that let alone said it!)

You sound as if you were a normal teen to me.

Your Mum CHOSE to have you, you didn't 'ruin her life'.

Would it help to speak to her?
Please go and get some help. If therapy wasn't helpful before you may have not had a great connection with your therapist-a different one or a different type could work. If you think your birth mum would be hurt that tells you you definitely mean something to her, and you deserve a fulfilling life-a part of you seems to know that!

Seems to me that you feel worthless because you are taking on all the blame for
Things that are not your fault.

You didn't choose to be born and You didn't ruin your mothers life. She alone is responsible for her own decisions.

You also didn't cause your foster mothers cancer, either time.

If you've spent your life feeling rejected and being surrounded by people blaming you for everything it's no wonder you feel like this.

Please go see your go about accessing
Some support and counselling. It will likely change your life.

You are worth so much more.

You can't see it now, but none of that was your fault. I think your being very harsh on yourself and some counselling would really help you be kind to yourself.

Your Foster Mum probably said that in the heat of the moment, but in reality she was chosen to care for you and it's you that was vulnerable and it shouldn't have even been said to you at all.

She was so young though. I was a very demanding child, and would rage against everything when I was young that I felt was unfair, but then it all turned to shame when I realised that if I had been a better human being - they all would have liked me more, and loved me more, and not been so contemptuous. So I got very depressed.

My foster mum was the only person who always made me feel loved. My relationship with my birth mum was nice until I got depressed, and from there it slowly just declined.

I feel like I used up any good thoughts she had for me.

It sounds like you see all of this as you in the middle, affecting everyone that orbits around you.

It's as if you don't see that there are other factors at play in people's lives other than you.

((((((((((((())))))))))). Stress doesn't cause cancer. That was very cruel of your foster mum to put that blame on you.
As your birth mum. No you didn't ruin her life. She brought you here. You didn't ask to be conceived and born.

I've read a lot on here and so tried to set healthy boundaries with my birth mum, to not allow myself to get into conversations where I expect anything from her. Even when we don't have a conversation that's outwardly difficult though - I never know when I'll get off the phone and feel awful about it. It's really not fair to her that I react like this. She's done nothing wrong now.

All this is not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You've had a very raw deal which you dealt with the best way you could.

Now's your chance to take a deep breath, leave the guilt behind and stride confidently into your own future. You deserve it.

Sorry, cross posted.

I don't think I'm in the middle, really. But I felt their lives were tough enough already and I demanded attention and made them resent me.

Does stress not affect cancer? I thought it did. She never blamed me as such, but it was like her life was very hard and it came out by saying things to me, and I felt so overwhelmed and helpless for her and me. Actually, quite like how I feel now. This feeling has been with me a long time.

There are other ways to communicate though. Cards, for one. Happy Birthday, happy Easter, "Thinking of you" , Christmas cards.

Enough reasons to send one about 4/5 times a year and small enough so that you only have room for a couple of lines of news and all your affectionate wishes.

Keeps up a pleasant relationship whilst keeping a lot of control of the content.

I was always well fed, had a cosy house to live in, my own nice room. Was very encouraged in education, encouraged to have hobbies and told I was good at them. All by my wonderful foster mum.

No stress doesn't affect cancer. If that was the case oncologists would be prescribing Valium to every single patient. Even Buddhist monks die of cancer.

We all act out when we're kids, especially when we're teens.
I think you're saying you caused all the problems in peoples lives which is just an over reaction, of course you didn't.
People have all sorts of issues which lead to different paths - not all of them end good, it doesn't mean that you caused that to happen, that's out of your control.

I think you need to go and see a GP, you sound very depressed and you need help.

You have received the message as a child that you were not wanted, that you ruin people's lives and that is just plain wrong.

Look at it this way. Your mum was young and unable to take care of you for whatever reason. You were no more demanding than any child. She just did not cope with early mother hood. You did not cause your birth.

Secondly, whilst your foster mother loved you she made the mistake of telling you stress causes cancer. She probably did it in a moment of stress as all teens cause their parents worry.especially if you were already anxious due to your foster father and your mother being unable to care for you properly.

Your illness must have caused you even more stress as a child. Frankly, the fact that you have soldiered on despite these events that must have shattered your esteem as a child is amazing.

Now, as you have lost both parents essentially (even though your birth mum is alive she is unavailable to you as a mother normally would be) you are going to have to take on that role yourself. If you were a child you would say ' I'll help you ' so day that to yourself. Find a good therapist and talk all of it through. Tell yourself everyday that you are worth looking after even if you don't believe it to begin with.

You did not ruin your birth mother's life.

Look at it this way -

who was pregnant?

Who had a child?

And your foster mother was dealing with a damaged child. None of this was your fault.

Please get some professional help and be kind to yourself.

You aren't, and were never, responsible for what adults chose to do or not do

Your making yourself way too responsible for your life as a child. Your Foster Mum was put in place by the state to protect you and raise you, I'm sure she was brilliant in a lot of ways as you've said. However to keep you around her DH who u knew didn't like you. That wasn't right. You should have been shielded more from negativity as a child.

Your birth mum- again you didn't ask to be born, she was your Mum and most of your behaviour would have been a result of her life choices for you and her parenting. She most likely just couldn't cope.

You wasn't a burden, you was let down. You've internalised the blame rather then realising those around you failed you.

Please talk to your gp. And talk on here too. Everyone is saying it's not your fault none of it is.

A couple of years ago after university I started really trying to take care of myself properly. Eating better, not drinking and partying so much, going walking when I could to take some gentle exercise. Even daft little things like making sure I had new glasses after wearing the same old out of date ones for far too long. All through my student days I lived a very chaotic life and didn't really take care of myself.

So I do take ok care of myself now. I just sometimes wonder, what's the point? It's like caring for myself in a vaccuum, it's meaningless in a way when you feel you don't deserve good care.

Sometimes when I do something very nice for myself or am especially gentle with myself, it reminds me of how my foster mum used to take care of me and I'll be in floods of tears. Then it seems to set off the fury at myself for not deserving it.

I think you need serious counseling. You've taken on burdens that do NOT belong to you.

You had nothing to do with your Foster Mum dying of cancer. She was cruel to ever insinuate that your behaviour could 'bring it back'. That is a horrible, horrible thing to say to any child.

You are not responsible for your Birth Mum's life. You did not choose to be born. If she realized she was too young to care for you and raise you responsibly, then she did the only thing she could do. The fact that your F Mum was awful isn't either of your fault.

I think your B Mum says the things she does because she doesn't want to accept blame for 'giving you away'. I think both of you need to accept that she made the decision that was right for her at the time. That it turned out 'not so good' is something she could not have foreseen.

BTW, I'm an adopted child, so I understand the conflict we have about having been 'given away' although my circumstances were very different from yours.

Do you think it would be possible for you to 'step away' from B Mum until you've had some counseling? It would be better for both of you if you could gain some perspective before resuming a relationship with her.

I promise you're not on your own with feeling like this. My mother was very ill and I was a horrible teenager. I relate to what you mean about feeling guilty and not deserving to be here.
This isn't your fault, though. You're not to blame for circumstances that were out of your control. How can a child be responsible for cancer and developing an illness? You didn't choose your situation.

If you have depression, it can really cloud your thinking. I would suggest going back to your doctor and discussing it with them. I know you've said counselling didn't help in the past, but it's worth giving it another shot.

How old are you OP?

Sorry, I reread and it sounds as if it wasn't your F Mum who was horrible to you. But that doesn't excuse her saying that your behaviour could bring her cancer back.

I have to admit I smiled when you mentioned getting new glasses. I used to do that same thing (waiting too long). I think it was also because I felt I 'didn't deserve' new glasses.

Counseling will help. It really will. It helped me immensely. I think the majority of us who were adopted or fostered have issues to deal with even in the best of circumstances.