Wrecked my life, don't know what to do, trying not to panic

[CuddaWuddaShuddaBeenAborted]

Everything feels too big to fix.

When I speak to my birth mum on the phone, it's always 50:50 about whether I will start to go into self loathing. She'd be so hurt if she even read that. I was a difficult teen and young adult, and then at the end of my twenties quite openly blamed her for the mess I was. She left me with foster parents and one hated me so much.

I didn't know why he hated me. I work so hard to have plans and goals and try to take care of myself but I feel so worthless. My mum was young when she had me, only 17, and I ruined her life. She tried really hard to do the right thing but I feel she doesn't like me.

I gave my foster mum such a hard time too. She was brilliant and loved me so much but she died of cancer. She warned me when I was about 14 that me causing her stress could make her cancer come back and it did and I fucked up there too because I was such a selfish teen. I didn't look after her. She was a fucking brilliant mum to me, but at the same time I feel that emotionally she expected a lot from me, because her marriage was over.

I think of all these family members and how my life has basically done so much harm to them and I feel mad. I developed a serious illness as a child, and I take a concoction of meds to stay alive. I feel like basically that was nature saying I should have died, should never have existed in the first place, and my mum should have got an abortion. All me being alive has meant is pain for both me and other people I care about.

I do not want to fucking die and I feel in such an agony of guilt for that - because I just don't deserve a life. I'm shit in so many ways. I take up resources on the NHS that could go to nice people. I haven't found any job I'm any good at. I take benefits to pay the rent.

It's so exhausting, churning through life feeling not deserving over every bite of food, every tablet of medication, everything. I make myself keep going and going and keep trying but sometimes I feel like I'm breaking in the worst way. I've done therapy and not found it helpful.

I don't know what to do.

My foster mum wasn't awful, she made some mistakes but she did love me. If I wasn't confident of that I don't think I'd be here at all.

Op, just to reitterate; none of the things you mentioned were your fault. I had ds1 at 17, i'm sure i have made a lot of mistakes over the years, but i found it a lot harder with dcs 2 & 3 in my thirties (apart from financially).
Please be kinder to yourself, it sounds like you had a rough childhood.

Not your fault. Children are a gift, even though they have a mind of their own and sometimes hard work (it's normal). Your mum couldn't take care of you but you were a gift nonetheless. I am sure you were an adorable little girl and it sounds like your foster mum loved you very much.
It sounds like you are may be depressed and it's the depression making you feel worthless, it's not the reality.

Thank you all for talking this through with me. I was really quite distressed when I posted. Feeling calmer now.

I'm glad you're feeling better. But if you want to be able to 'settle' this once and for all in your head, get counseling.

What you are experiencing is very common in those who have been unable to form safe and nourishing attachments in their very early life....in those situations it is unfathomable for the child to believe that the adults around them are unable to provide them with what they need (this to the child means death) and so the child takes on all the blame, believes themselves to be bad because as awful as that feels it is easier than realising that they are in an emotionally (and sometimes otherwise) unsafe environment....sadly these beliefs were confirmed by your foster mother's comment which was (intentionally or not) very cruel....

I understand....I know the feeling of meaningless, the emptiness inside I think you need to talk to someone...Please go to your GP and ask for some help...don't be fobbed off with 'six weeks of CBT'....fight for some longer term relational therapy that can begin to heal some of these wounds that cannot be simply plastered over with 'positive thinking' or correcting thinking patterns....

There is constant new research coming out about how our early attachments affect the developing brain, the immune system...this isn't something you can do on your own, you will need support but it is crucial that it is the right kind of support, by people who understand relational trauma and the effects of being in foster care and disrupted attachments....

The relationship with your birth mother sounds very painful and quite like my own...the longing for a living caring nourishing parent remains, it can't just be switched off...be kind to yourself...you have survived, you have worth even if you can't feel it......

We are thinking of you

She was so young though. I was a very demanding child, and would rage against everything when I was young that I felt was unfair, but then it all turned to shame when I realised that if I had been a better human being - they all would have liked me more, and loved me more, and not been so contemptuous.

All children are very demanding and rage against everything at various stages of their childhoods. It's part of growing up, becoming independent and asserting your autonomy. Please please don't blame yourself. Your DM was young and found it difficult to cope. She needed more support to help her with this. It is totally totally NOT YOUR FAULT.

And it was very wrong of your foster mum told you her cancer would come back if she was stressed. And to imply that if you stressed her out it would be your fault. That totally isn't true.

You are taking the blame for simply being a child/teen. My DD was incredibly challenging, very demanding and I didn't cope at times. Nothing that she did was bad or wrong. I simply was struggling and had no help or support at all to learn ways to handle things better.

Please go back to the GP and tell them what you've said here. You deserve so much more than to be shouldering the blame when you absolutely aren't to blame. . Counselling is dependent on the counsellor's ability and the type of counselling offered. Please tell the GP how you are feeling.

I'm glad you are feeling calmer. Your step mum chose you, you know. And she chose to keep you and love you and take care of you for as long as she was able. You didn't cause her cancer. Her marriage was failing. It was a difficult time for her and she needed it easy. And you weren't in the right head space to make it easy. And that's ok. It really is fine that you couldn't. You were a mixed up kid, who'd been through hell. And you were going through the marriage break up too. She loved you all the same, even when you weren't able to be the person she needed you to be. So if she loved you despite your faults, isn't it time to love yourself? Perhaps think on this the next time you get angry with yourself. She sounded like a pretty fab woman.

You are not alone, I'm glad you feel calmer now. Please visit your GP.

Just wanted to pop my head through to say that your foster mum sounds like she was a true, loving parent to you. No parent is perfect and she shouldn't have said what she did about the cancer, but I'm sure she would be horrified to know how much it's affected you, as from what you say she seems to have loved you and encouraged you to be the best you can be.
Please do see your gp op. You are important :)

I agree with getting some counselling. You are absolutely not to blame for your foster mother getting cancer. It was very wrong of her to suggest this to an impressionable young person. And you feel rejected by your birth mother. This would be very difficult to deal with for most people. Get help to deal with this. It's too much on your own.

You've got nothing to feel bad for from the past, I agree with knackered, you've clearly achieved a lot. The question is - what kind of a positive future do you want? There are 000s of ways to make your life count, what would make you feel happy if you look back over your life at 65?

Some of what you are posting resonates with me. I was a bereaved child who had a difficult relationship with adoptive parents. For years I believed I was responsible for my misery.

I wasn't responsible. None of it was my fault. Just as you aren't at fault either.

I have no doubt that I was challenging, you tend to be a little less than perfect when you have a load of shit dumped on you after all. But do you know what? I was a child. A child who needed adults to nuture her. Not tell me how difficult I had made their life.

It took me a long time to access counselling, but when I finally did, it was hugely beneficial. I found it was a relief to let go of the nonsense I had come to believe about myself. If I had my time again, I would tell my younger self to seek counselling so much earlier. Please, please hear what other posters are telling you, and seek out some support.

I also found - through Mumsnet - reading about Gaslighting helped my understanding. I believed that I had been a difficult, and therefore unloveable child because I had been told so, many times over.

You are worth it. What you believe about yourself isnt the real you, but you're there somewhere. {flowers}

You are not to blame for your foster mothers cancer and you did not ruin your mothers life. You are worth something. Please see your gp

exactly this, both your Mum and your FM have (maybe unintentionally) caused enormous damage resulting in this low self esteem

you are not alone, get some decent professional help and start to heal yourself

you wont fix this without taking action OP

PLEASE! I URGE YOU xx

I'm so glad you are looking after yourself these days. It really is important.

It is quite normal for children to think that we make things happen, that we have spoilt someone's life. You didn't though, really! Your foster mum loved you and would be so upset to think you were feeling like this. I expect she said something like 'settle down I can't cope with the stress when you kick off like this, you'll make me ill again!'

You didn't ruin your mum's life, either. You were just a baby. The problems she has now are nothing to do with you. You owe her nothing, and should only be in touch with her as much as you want to be. If it makes you anxious to speak directly to her, then just send a card as a pp said.

I'm a foster mum. Have you read up about how a traumatic start when you are a baby or toddler can affect you? If you know about it, you may understand things better and be able to cope more.

Well done on Uni! You must be very bright and a real hard worker to have done so well with the difficulties you have experienced!

Butteredparsnips yes reading up on Gaslighting is revelatory - this can lead to endless self blame....

I would also like to add that when I wrote that stressful early attachments can affect the brain and immune system I did not mean to imply that you are 'damaged' or irrevocably so...I was simply trying to stem some of the self blame over perhaps feeling out of control of your feelings and depression ...the brain is remarkably plastic and it is never too late to feel the benefits of the right kind of support and undo the messages you have been given....

It's good tip hear you look after yourself physically. Now I think you need to take that next step and look after your soul. It's in need of some tlc and you will need a good therapist to guide you through how to do it

OP, have you ever heard the saying "I need your love the most when I deserve it the least"? This is how adults should approach "difficult" children, love-bomb them better. It is not your fault.

Thank you again.

I have heard of love bombing, and in some ways I think that's what my foster mum did do although it wouldn't have been called that. She always encouraged me to talk to her about how I was feeling and also write it down if I couldn't say it, when I was very small.

When I was a depressed older teenager I think she was frightened in case I had bipolar because my mood swings scared her, in terms of the venom I felt towards myself. She was great about taking me to the best psychiatrist she knew for my depression. She tried to give me everything, and I was still depressed, and she got so frustrated.

People can be wonderful and loving and brilliant and still be flawed.

It's ok for the two bits to coexist.

My brilliant, brilliant Dad was prone to saying we would give him a heart attack and kill him and then we'd be sorry. He was quite old and it was quite possible. Half his friends had had heart attacks.

He loved the bones of me, but I am quite comfortable saying it was an asshole thing to say to a child given we knew it was actually fairly likely. So it was a traumatic thing to hear. Eventually of course he did develop heart problems given his age.

I remember feeling absolute rage that he could ever have insinuated our stroppy behaviour was to blame. It wasn't. So it wasn't fair.

However I also know he probably attached little importance to saying it, and quite probably never remembered saying it so much.

I loved him regardless and miss him very much. He loved the bones of me. I'm deeply grateful for him. But he wasn't perfect and he shouldn't have said it.

These things are so easy to say though. I have kids now, and omg how easy it is to let things slip out of your mouth when in a temper! "You'll be the death of me!" etc etc.

In a way I'm grateful for him traumatising us by saying that so often. It's made me much more mindful of words and has made me a better parent. I put a lot of effort into not saying things like that.

One day maybe you'll have a child and you'll be a better parent because of it too. It's not enough to know what to do - you also have to know what NOT to do. But it's only by recognising the mistakes of our loved ones that we know that!

I don't know why you feel like you don't deserve nice things to happen to you. Even if you were a difficult teen or child (and I promise you most children/teens are), you are not that child/teen any more and if anything it sounds like you have remorse and regret your behaviour - more than most do!

This is a problem with the way you are perceiving the situation and not the truth of it, because of the difficulties you have been through. You need help to make you see things as they are. And how ridiculous to imply that stress causes cancer - it is a genetic mutation of cells which causes them to multiply uncontrollably - no way you could possibly be blamed for that and very unkind to imply it.

Look after yourself, and don't deprive the world from what you have to offer. x

The older I get the more I find myself able to forgive the adults who failed me as a child, because I understand that adults are not infallible but just people muddling along. Adults can be wonderful caring people and still fail the children in their care - recognizing that you needed more doesn't mean that you have to stop loving them and it doesn't mean you have to assign blame, it's just recognition of facts. I feel for you, because I've had similar feelings.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.