In a bad place

[PhantomBlooper]

I genuinely feel like I might hurt myself or do something stupid. My mood has spiralled for the whole day and now all I want to do is cry and eat and hurt myself and run away. Everything feels futile. I feel like a terrible mother, a terrible partner and just all in all a terrible person. I want to get on the train to work tomorrow and not come back. I don't know how to escape this funk. I can't breathe and I'm drowning and I just don't know what to do with myself.

Right. You aren't a terrible mother, partner or person. That's the illness making you feel like that.
You're not drowning. You're not well.
What can you do to get better? If you fear you might actually hurt yourself contact crisis team or A & E TODAY! If you can keep yourself safe until tomorrow then GP ASAP.

No matter what I do, all those tiny little positive steps, it never drowns out those niggling voices that tell me I'm not enough and never will be. I feel like such a failure.

Do you have a crisis team or cpn? It sounds like you need to talk to someone. Is there someone in real life you can reach out to?

The Samaritans will always listen.

The voices are the illness. You need to seek professional help. Please reach out.

No crisis team or anything like that. I'm at my mum's with DD so safe for now.

But tomorrow I don't know what I might do. OH drops and picks up DD from nursery. Between the hours of 6:30am and 7pm no one will notice I've disappeared. Could be long gone.

That is stupid of course. But in my head it feels necessary and inevitable.