therapist said i make her feel worthless and empty

[happyfrown]

talking about my deep set hate and lack or self worth and how i think others are judging me. she said in some words cant remember exactly but drift of it that i reverse my feelings on to other people?
she said i made HER feel empty and worthless, i asked how i made her feel that way and she mentioned in a previous session id said something like she is a therapist for mental health, so in a way is expected to help fix me? which made her feel worthless?

i was horrified id made someone i don't know feel like that and god knows how i make my close friends feel then? i was in bits and she says ''you seem more upset this week'' you think! i said yea cos you said id upset you and possibly any one i talk to.

i was close to getting up and walking out. but if i did that the 2yrs it took to get any help would be wasted, and was worried any futher help would be denied as id walked away from so called help.

i think she was trying to say my dcs must feel worthless in how i am, talk or lack of interaction with them too, im not sure.
i feel awful.

Regardless of her training and presumed qualifications, she sounds like a cow. Go to her supervisor and ask for a different counsellor.

ive been going for 5wks ive felt uncomfortable from the start. too me she is cold and stern and I wouldn't give anyone with that attitude my time. however I don't gel to people easy and could just be my mind being too quick to judge with help from my anxiety?

can I ask another opinion.
talking about my mother, she asked if I see her much. the conversation was this.

ME: "no because when I go round there she spends hardly any time sitting in the same room, huffs to herself, doesn't seem interested in what any one is talking about, see's the dcs as hassle, the dcs aint allowed outside to the garden, no tv on and if they leave toys on the floor she picks them up with a tut and mumble chucking them back in the toy cupboard"

the therapist: but you do just that at home!

I was stumped. tears streaming because she IS right. but how does this help? it just makes me feel more shite that someone knows how much of a failure I am.

I don't really want to complain or get her in trouble. if its how she works - and it might work for some? but the 'tough love' 'this is what your doing' talk doesn't change my mind set it just sends me deeper in to that black hole.

OP, it's not about complaining or getting her into trouble. Her supervisor is not her boss, it is the person who mentors her, advises her and ensures she is working ethically and safely with her clients.

The supervisor really should be contacted about this and perhaps you need to report back to your GP and see if you can get a referral to someone else.

I think I will talk to her first, I might have to say I don't think the technique is working. if she isn't happy about it then I have no option but to ask for another therapist/therapy.

That most recent example sounds like she is challenging your thinking patterns. Often once we understand where our behaviour comes from we can start to make changes. Had you made the link between your DMs behaviour and your own? Or was this a new revelation?

The thing with therapy is it isn't always easy, it can be really tough, and challenging. Definately discuss what you are finding difficult about your sessions it may well help her to tailor things better for you.

yes im aware that im pretty much the younger model of my mother. sadly.

ive explained to the therapist my guilt that weighs me down everyday bringing up my kids exactly the same and that I should know how it feels. its not that I want to be like her - I just don't have it built into me and I didn't know that until I had them. but that's just one issue.

Sorry if my post wasn't helpful. If she knows you know these issues then it would seem more useful if she was looking at helping you find strategies to change rather than pointing out what you already know. Maybe asking to see someone else would be a good idea.

Is it possible that she said she gets a feeing of worthlessness from you- therefore reflecting back your feelings ?

Or she could just be crap What are her qualifications?

your post is helpful anxious sorry if that read wrong. I do know im much like my mum its a huge part of the way I feel.

no she said it was due to how I mentioned her profession is to help fix me. maybe it came out rude? my mouth does speak before my brain thinks, but it wasn't intentional.

I wonder if you're just not gelling with this therapist. What happens if you decide you wanted to change therapist? You said you were on a waiting list for a while.

Either that, or it it's bringing all your internal conflicts: shame, guilt and so on to the surface.
Is there a chance to change? But have a proper ending if you can with this one.

i wasn't on the waiting list, I got discharged in july 2015 after a year of cbt. i asked the GP to re- refer me and i got declined, then we tried again before they agreed to see me. it took a year for that then last year i was assessed 4 times but no therapy was placed. it was only when i called in january worried about my safety they rushed things.
so i don't really want to quit but i do feel im wasting both our time.

it does bringing out my shame, guilt and things i don't like to admit i feel. but i don't think its helping bring it to the surface. im not sure if i can change therapist or if they would try a different therapy.

It sounds like she is pointing out that you have a very external locus of control. You have implied that it is her job to help to fix you, but she is pointing out that it is only you that can choose to change the way you behave. That isn't to say those choices will be easy, or that the mental changes that enable them will be quick, or pain free, but in the end, it will be your behaviour that changes, not hers.

With regards your Mum, if you've reeled off a list of behaviours that prevent you from seeing your mum that mirror your own behaviour, that will seem contradictory and hypocritical. I wonder if she was trying to see if you saw differences in it?

It's so bad when you have a bad therapist it can throw you to pieces

I also agree to write this down - and report to her supervisor OP

It's NOT on - as say all
Of us

It really doesn't matter what techniques or possible explanations there are for this counsellors words.

The point is that if it needs explanation by other people (that runs on for over 4 pages!), and lots of ideas to explain how the therapist expected you to react and what the therapist wanted you to explore or learn... then there's something really important missing from the way this therapist is conducting the sessions.

Are the sessions being run by some kind of department / charity / organisation of some kind? This would be usual, and if so, you'll be able to explain that there's a lack of fit with this counsellor, and request a change.

It's not complaining so don't worry about that, it's not unusual and they should be able to find a better fit without sending you to the back of the queue again.

Good luck

I have had 3 in my
Life - 2 were fantastic and one was good but it went a bit awkward at the end when I didn't follow her course (loooooong story) but you need to feel safe with a therapist

Whilst I can see what she
Might be trying to do and reflect here she is not doing this in a safe space and I think as a reputable professional it would benefit her to get feedback on this OP

You deserve better xx

happyfrown I've been in a situation where I felt that therapy was making me worse. I asked for support on here, somewhat as you are doing. I showed the resultant thread to my therapist, as I felt that I was more articulate in writing on the thread than I was able to be in session.

I decided to stop seeing that therapist soon after but I did feel as if I'd tried everything to resolve things first so I am confident in my decision. That therapist and I had a relatively direct conversation about her technique and I realised that she and I were a terrible fit. I'm working with someone else now and it's going much better. Showing what you have written here to your therapist is one thing you could do if you do not feel sure whether to continue or stop. It's just a suggestion that has helped me in the past.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Other options talk to the BACP who have a helpline where you can discuss this type of thing.

www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/about-bacp/ask-kathleen

There is also a website

www.supportingsafetherapy.org

which I have found somewhat helpful in the past, although I found myself doubting myself a lot and the situation hard to judge despite the website being written very clearly.

I train therapists and this sounds like a rookie error. I can kind of see what they might have been doing, but offering interpretations and counter transference and challenges are only OK if you feel safe and contained.

You might not feel safe with her because it's too early, or because she's not right for you, or because she's doing it in a clumsy way and getting your back up. In some ways it doesn't matter- if you don't feel safe, you don't feel safe and you can't work on stuff.

In your example about spending time with your mum I'm not sure why she needed to challenge you on that, it was clearly going to make you feel bad- you say things are crap with your mum and she points out you are the same- this is destructive to you. I'd have been more interested in asking you what it means to you that your mum acts like this. Or find out what is different in your parenting compared to your mum. Or how it feels to tell me (therapist) about this (to see if you get an inner guilty critical voice, or feel embarrassed or sad etc). The stories you tell in therapy are less important than the process of telling, and the hidden feelings they reveal.

It takes a while to find the right fit, don't give up, as the right person can be life changing in the most surprising way

Change therapists. That is completely unprofessional. And shit, frankly.

I think Stillworkingonit made some
Excellent points. If you don't feel safe, you can't do the work. And I think you really want to get some help.