Just need a hand to hold until this feeling passes

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I just feel like I've messed up my whole life so badly. I've got no job, am in a stupid amount of debt and a single parent. I feel like there's only one way out and I couldn't do that to my boys, they're my whole world. They've just gone to their dad's until Monday and I'm sat here sobbing.

I won't do anything stupid, but I just need a hand to hold until I start to get through this. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in RL.

Budge up!
I'm not very good at this. But i can keep your company until someone who is better at it joins you.

I am quite good at debt advice though. Are you dealing with it, or still in the "shit can't open the letters phase"

You've got your boys. You haven't messed anything up. Is it just the money? Could you speak to someone at CAB and work out a plan? You can find a way through this. You really can. And your boys would rather have a broke you than not have you.

I have to admit, my pesky little blighters are the reason i stick around. Ive a few friends who are really messed up thanks to parents committing suicide, so even in the dark days i think about putting them in that position and it snaps me back.

That's not, yes that's exactly my thinking. My boys love me and they would never recover from that, I can't do it to them. But it's fucking hard and I hate it sometimes.

I'm about £15k in debt, which doesn't sound huge, but I've got no job and repayments are a struggle. Because of my MH problems, when I get depressed I spend and now it's got out of control. I've spoken to my bank (a huge chunk of the debt is a loan with them) and they've let me pay £1 a month for 6 months until I get back on my feet. But I had a nursery bill for £1700 yesterday...I'm sure it's got to be wrong but it's more stress. Taking DS2 out of nursery isn't an option, he absolutely adores it there and I don't know that my MH is up to looking after him full time, I could never give him what he gets there.

Have a hand, in fact have two. But as much as I'm holding yours, you'll be holding mine! You're not alone and I often look around me and everyone seems happy and have a perfect life. But, please know there are people like us out there. Take it hour by hour, things will improve, they just have to.
We go through the bad so we can appreciate the good.

I've had more than enough bad to last several life times. Really nasty bullying emotionally abusive exH who I'm still battling through the courts. Messed up childhood.

Wow I'm impressed with the bank, mine were shit!!!
I know martin Lewis has been doing some work on mental health bank accounts.

Have you spoken to the likes of step change?

Who are step change?

Step change are someone who can help with your debt. They can advise you on payment plans, Ivas and that sort of thing. There's also someone called payplan who can deal with your creditors so you don't have to. They are paid for by the credit card companies.

Have you anything nice planned for the weekend? I always find nature helpful when I'm feeling shit. So a listen to birds singing in a woods that sort of thing

Step change are free debt advice. They are very good.

Did you manage any sleep?

I slept a bit, but I never really feel refreshed. Just exhausted all the time.

I had a councillor explain it to me that your brain is always on high alert, so like you are prey and constantly on guard to be eaten. It is exhausting.

when are your boys due back?

The boys are staying with their dad until Monday. I miss them even though they drive me potty at times.

Yeah they do that don't they, one cup of coffee in peace and you miss them again. Mine has gone to their friends today and the house is so quiet. I don't like it!!!
Although the peaceful cup of coffee earlier was nice

So you've got two more nights without them. Are there any jobs you need to get done? Or things to watch? I watched that 3 wives one husband thing the other day, it was interesting to see the dynamic between the wives.

I'm starting to see out of the blackness now. I've had a good tidy up today, going to unpack a bit more tomorrow (moved 4 weeks ago so lots still in boxes but thankfully I have a garage now)

I have to admit as my mood slips so does my housework. But I do feel so much better when it's done.
If you've just moved it sounds like you'll be very busy getting it all sorted, a bit easier without little "helpers" as well!

Have you got many rooms to get sorted?

Ok so I'm having a little bit of a wobble again. Just thinking of how little an impact of would have if I wasn't here. The only people who would really be affected are the boys.

But it would have a massive impact on them. Every day for the rest of their lives. Are you seeing anyone about how you feel? On any meds?
You know if a friend or family member said it didn't matter if they were around you would say if course it does and that it was the illness taking. Well it does matter and it IS the illness.

Go and make a cup of tea and just think about the next five minutes and putting one foot in front of the other. Your boys do need you and you can get through this but it is hard. We are here and listening. 💐

It would have a huge impact on them, they're both so little still (7 and 4) and they adore me (for all my faults...of which there are many). I couldn't ever leave them....but it's hard keeping on keeping on isn't it?

Yes I'm on meds (2 types of AD). I was seeing the MH team and had been referred onto the STEPPS program for EUPD but I've moved areas so am getting re-referred.

Can you hurry that along? You sound really low. (I know I'm stating the bleeding obvious!)
The advice above about a few minutes at a time is good. Such a struggle. So sorry you feel like this.

I might see if I can get an appointment tomorrow. I think I'm just feeling lonely as the kids aren't here. They're my amazing protective factor.

They're back soon though. Snuggle a pillow of theirs or get out the photos? Take a bear to bed? (Ok maybe I'm weird but I have been known to be offered a soft toy by youngest. I'm expected to take it to bed!)