Just need a hand to hold until this feeling passes

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I just feel like I've messed up my whole life so badly. I've got no job, am in a stupid amount of debt and a single parent. I feel like there's only one way out and I couldn't do that to my boys, they're my whole world. They've just gone to their dad's until Monday and I'm sat here sobbing.

I won't do anything stupid, but I just need a hand to hold until I start to get through this. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in RL.

Me too, I've shared the bed with all sorts in the past.

I just don't feel like I can do this any more. I'm so scared.

Hi. Sorry you are feeling so bad. How was your night? Did you get much sleep?

Didn't sleep too well. Have a Drs appointment in an hour. I'm just so scared for my kids. They don't deserve this.

Im guessing you have a new GP if you've moved. I hope they are helpful. Do you have your children today?

I name change a lot. We've "met" briefly before on here. We had very similar aged children and live near each other.

It sounds like you have had a lot of change and a lot to cope with. No wonder you are struggling. It's shit when it feels so bad. I think all you can do is keep trying to get help. And keep talking.

I've been to the dr, he doesn't think throwing more medication at me is the answer. I'm seeing the mental health team on Monday (which is going to be tricky because the kids are off school). And he's had to inform social services so they'll be in contact as well.

My 7 year old is hugging me while I'm sobbing, telling me he'll always be here to support me....

I really feel for you. I hate when my children are aware of me feeling bad.
All i can suggest is lots of extra cuddles and sometimes we all camp out together in my room.

Possibly an extremely annoying question but is there any possibility their Dad could help out? It might help you just in the short term. Although maybe your children will feel better to be around you if they're unsettled.

I think it's good that your GP has taken you seriously. I hope that's how it felt? I am perhaps naive but i think that the more help you/one can get the better, even though it might feel scary to hear from social services.

Re Monday, maybe you can make the mental health team aware you will have the kids. They might be willing to visit you at home. You can set the kids up in front of the TV with snacks.

Sorry if too many ideas thrown at you.

I'm sorry things feel so bad. I hope you and the children are ok.

I don't have a good relationship with my exH. We're going through acrimonious court proceedings and if he knew I was ill he'd use is against me.

And the boys seem to want to be around me to keep tabs on me and make sure I'm ok.

Yes it could be worrying for them to be "whisked away".

Morning. Had an early night last night, me and the kids all piled in my bed together. Plus knowing I don't have to make the 20+ mile trip to DS1's school today helps.

Crikey. That's quite a journey. Assume you have kept him at same school.

I've had to for the moment, there isn't a place for him at the local school. I'm hoping if his brother gets a place in Reception in September I can appeal and get him a place. But yeah, the driving is tough. Not so much the journey as the cost in petrol.

My eldest moved during Y1. It's not easy getting a place. Yes i guess in Sept you should jump up the list from "distance" to "sibling" link.

Hope your day is going ok.

Well it'll be sibling link plus once he gets to year 3 there's a bit more flexibility with class sizes so I'm really hoping it works out. If DS2 gets a place in the school 2 miles away I'll put them both in there. DS1 doesn't want to go there (I think mainly because the local school has a cookery club he wants to join AND exH has been saying he doesn't think he should go there...helpful NOT)

When will you find out what school DS2 gets into?

It's very early days and moving is a huge change. Maybe the Easter holidays will give you a bit of a chance to settle in a bit. Not driving everyday will help.

18th April. So not long now

Hi there. I don't want to keep bothering you with questions but i hope you are getting through the weekend ok.

I'm ok actually, had a nice relaxing day yesterday and I'm hoping to take the boys out in the nice weather today. Got my appointment with the MH team tomorrow. I feel a bit of a fraud because I'm not suicidal right now, but surely the fact that I go up and down so quickly isn't right is it?

It's great that you are feeling more relaxed.
I don't think you should feel like a fraud at all. I agree re the ups and downs.
Hope you enjoy the sunshine with your boys. Looks lovely out.

I know your immediate MH crisis is the most important thing at the moment but perhaps you should make an appointment with StepChange or another charity debt management organisation too to tackle the debt problem. I know I would feel incredible stressed if I owed that much and didn't know how I was going to pay it off.

The nursery fees seem a lot? Are you working?

I've got a debt management plan from Step Change. The problem is, when I get depressed I spend, it's a vicious circle. Need to break that habit. The nursery fees are wrong, I'm waiting for the revised invoice. When I started DS2 at nursery I was working but recently lost my job. If I take him out it's going to make looking for work difficult and he absolutely loves it there...he's really thriving, much better than I would be able to achieve with him.

Got my appointment at 10 but it's going to be a rush this morning, I have to drop my kids at my dad's house (30 miles in the opposite direction to my appointment) which is still easier than taking them with me. I'm nervous about it and feel like I don't know what to say to them. I guess they'll know how to proceed. Sorry, am rambling a bit.

How did yesterday go?

Good I think. The person I spoke to is going to get me on the next STEPPS program. He's also going to arrange a consultant appointment with me to help with a formal diagnosis. I don't feel right using the term BPD/EUPD/EID for myself without a formal diagnosis even though my last MH worker said it was likely I had it. They're also going to try and get me some one to one support as well.

I've got social services coming tomorrow to meet with me and the boys. Trying not to worry too much about it.

That's does sound like it went well. I hope things start to improve.
I think that social services will be a supportive experience too. It's sounds to me like you have definitely done the right thing to get help.