Handhold? Waiting for a assessment

[Ohfucks]

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm feeling suicidal and dissociative, obsessive and delusional. In a moment of clarity, managed to get an emergency GP appointment yesterday, and he's referred me to the Acute care team for assessment - i think its the acute care team. acute something assesment. I'm upset because I like to know, and I was a bit too out of it to ask. I know it's an urgent referral so I'll get a call within three days. This means i'm glued to my phone. I always have it on silent because the sound scares me so i wait for the visual call. I don't know what to expect though, will the assessment be at a hospital, will it be in the next few days or will i just get a call in the next few days.

I felt really worried about the time issue yesterday, because I wasn't sure i'd be here today. I'm not sure i'll be here tomorrow, i'm taking it all in 5 minute chunks. I asked for advice about how to get through the night, and he said I should go out with friends. I'm alone though.

I was surprised he didn't talk about antidepressants or talking therapies, which is normally what happens when I speak to GPs. You go, tell them how weird your perception of the world is and then you go with a prescription and offered a group talk on how to handle stress. I'm happy to be referred, someone has noticed that i'm really not ok.

Does anyone know what will happen now?

Oh,
I am sorry I don't have experience of where you are now or what an assessment might involve.. but I don't want you to feel alone and ignored.

If you feel vulnerable please phone Samaritans. At least it might help pass the time whilst you talk to someone.

Hi,

Sorry things are so tough, its positive that you have this urgent refal though. Hopefully you will here from them soon. I'm sorry I can't answer your questions, unfortunately DHs emergency assessments tend not to be voluntary so are very different.

Generally MH teams prefer to look after people in their own homes as much as possible, when DH has been very poorly he has had people visit at home daily. It sounds like your GP wants an expert opinion, which can only be a good thing.

Keep setting yourself little goals to get through miniute by minute if you need to. Try to find distractions, and keep chatting here if you need to.

Ohfu..
As No Longer says, please keep posting here... or on the menatl health support conversation..

Thank you, for responding

I am finding time really difficult. Every day seems so long and exhausting. I wish I was more ill, in a way, so someone would sweep in and section me. This keeping myself safe in the mean time thing is draining.

Lots of people have recommended the Samaritans, I spend time on their website and on the mind website.

I wanted to get some sort of tranqulizer, so i could stop myself going out at night - but i suppose it would be unwise to give strong drugs to suicidal people? I feel more alone being left to myself for this time.

Sorry, really aware i'm being a bit self obsessed.

A bit self obsessed and alive in the morning is nothing to apologise about. Seriously.

My only regret right now is I am falling asleep and can't keep you company for a bit longer. You can try watching cat videos on youtube.. or instant Karma.. Those can be cathartic. There is one of a big guy trying to pinch a small womans handbag on a tube train.. She seems to be some sort of black belt in Tae Kwon Do or similar.. he never saw the foot that connected with his head.... ouch!

Lets speak in the morning... or middle of the night if I wake up.,

No worries, sleep is good. i'd like to do more

Sleep is the only think you can do for eight hours without loss of concentration or getting bored,,,,,,,

Morning :) I don't know, i'm kind of obsessive and really good at getting immersed into mundane tasks, when I feel good that is. Got to bed about 4am, got to sleep about 5am then up at 7 to play this day thing all over again.

I have a lot of anxiety about going to bed for some reason - fear of the next day? when i'm well I usually struggle to keep my eyes open past 8pm.

Still no call.

I feel like i'm living for this phone call, i feel a bit tricked into it.

Still nothing. Guess i'm not so urgent after all.

Sorry to hear you are still waiting, if you don't hear anything tomorrow I would phone you GP and ask them to chase it. Keep distracting yourself, try utube, cats v cucumbers and cats in bread...

cats v cucumbers? wow. Yes, I was thinking three days Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. But i suppose it could be 72 hours... which would take me up till tomorrow afternoon. or they could just be overwhelmed and running behind, or they've got my number wrong, or the referral didn't go through.

I'd like to know what i'm meant to do to stop myself getting to this point, I'd love to be in a hospital where the possibility to hurt myself won't exist. Tonight all I have is gin.

Have you got a crisis team number? It should be available online or through your local hospital switchboard.

If its 72 hours you are nearly there now. Keep setting little goals, you can thank my collegue for cats v cucumbers, and cats in bread for that matter, hes always showing us random videos at lunch time.

That wasn't a good night. No crisis number, that's the sort of thing i'm hoping they'll give me.

You got through it, thats the important thing. Fingers crossed you hear from them this morning.

I'm meant to be working in London today, I've got my coach home booked but didn't sort the journey out, and i don't have enough money to book it. I've missed so much work the last couple of weeks, but I keep not cancelling things because I don't think i'll be alive by then, and then cowardice means I'm still here and i'm expected to travel across the country to run events and have meetings and then travel back, or the alternative is that I have to call everyone and make some sort of excuse.

The clinic phoned this morning, she was lovely but I wish I'd spent longer on my responses. She asked lots of questions about my daughter and we established she's not a protective factor, so I'm worried social services will be involved now. Then again, she probably is better off away from me so that's not necessarily bad. The assesment clinic is fully booked for the next six weeks, which was hard to hear as the GP made it seem I'd be assessed in the next few days. she stressed that this doesn't reflect the urgency of my situation and they are going to try and slot me in asap when any cancellations come up. She also said if I feel i'm getting worse or struggling to cope then I should call the clinic or just turn up at a&e where they can assess me, although she said its not nice as you'll have to wait several hours.

I don't think I can do six weeks on my own.I have no coping mechanisms or medication or any idea what i'm meant to do with myself, if its ok if i don't go to work or if I should be away from my daughter. I just want someone to explain whats happening and to look after me. I want a fucking hug.

Sending you a huge hug. Really glad they phoned, hope they can fit you in sooner. I think you really are justified in being off sick right now, you definately are not well at the moment. Speak to your GP again if you need a sick note.

The fact that your DD is not a protective factor, does not mean that you are a risk to her, just that her existance isn't going to be a factor in you staying safe. Social services are very unlikely to take her away, even if they get involved they are more likely to be interested in how they can support you to keep her with you.

DH has been in a&e many times when he's been suicidal, yes its normally a long wait to see someone, but they are generally lovely to you and keep you safe whilst you wait for the psychiatric assessment. Most of the wait is normally in a cubicle or private room rather than in the wsiting room. Its far from ideal, but its a way of staying safe if you don't think you can keep yourself safe at home. You have a number to call now when things get particularly bad too, so thats a good thing.

Morning ohfucks, how are you today? I'm sorry it's shit you have to wait 6 weeks for help that sounds an intolerably long time.... can you go back to the GP in the meantime? Have you taken medication before, do you have an idea of what may help?

Keep posting, you could come over to the Whatever Happened to the Village thread (we've fashioned it into a Fluffy yurt for mental health solidarity & support now) and keep me company too as I keep talking to myself in there lol.

You can text Samaritans on 07725909090 if you don't want to call, I find that very helpful sometimes. They have email too if that suits. Can you ask the GP about the crisis line as well? Mine gave me our number. They tend to just say 'helpful' things like take a bath, go for a walk etc but at least it's something.

Mental health care is such a bloody postcode lottery 6 weeks is just silly [choc]

Ohfucks

Sorry I was not here yesterday, It seems I am a bad boy in some peoples eyes, I got myself locked out!!

Don't worry about the wait, we are here for you

Hi, thank you for checking in with me. - Sorry i didn't come back yesterday, I ended up going to London just for the evening meeting as no one else could cover, and then had to get the overnight coach back.

I was very lucky and a free assessment appointment came up today. I only had 30 minutes notice so raced up to the hospital. Apparently they've never had one come up so quickly.

The Nurse was really kind and thorough, and although the appointment was only meant to be an hour she spent 90 minutes with me getting a full background - no one has ever done this before.

She's referred me to the community mental health team to have twice daily home visits and to see a psychiatrist sometime next week. and then in time she wants me to have several months therapy with a psychologist but that we're to clear the initial crisis first.I did ask about hospital admission, but she felt it would make me worse as i'd lose control and I probably agree. I felt quite weepy about all this as I'm so tired and don't really have the energy to keep going, but she said they can try and help me get some sleep too. They've briefed DH just now on the phone too, and are going to do a carers assessment which is hilarious really as i've been his carer for so long.

I do feel broken, but I just feel so grateful that someone is trying to help me. someone has noticed that i'm messed up.

Bit stressed, as was meant to be working tomorrow in London again, which I now won't be able to do. Am losing money we can ill afford, but i suppose we would lose that if i were dead too.

Went to the pet shop afterwards to watch the rabbits, I love rabbits.

As to medication, I took a little fluoxetine once and citralopram (sp?) a few years ago - neither really helped. I've never been taken seriously my GPs before - or not been this bad.

I like the sound of the fluffy yurt. Can I bring my imaginary pet rabbits?

A few rabbits hopping about to cuddle and look cute sounds good to me!

Good to hear you managed to see the nurse today - and very impressive you got there so quickly on short notice, go you .

It sounds like they've put a reasonable immediate support plan in place, how do you feel about it? Are the CMHT coming to see you tomorrow?

Ohfucks

I don't have anything hugely helpful to say, but . I know what you mean about the rabbits, I love guinea pigs myself

I was actually in bed and unshowered when they called, - jumped up, went to the loo, washed armpits, pulled on dress and jumped in taxi. So survival instinct is there! Yes, CMHT are going to call and come to visit tomorrow, I think I have to see them tomorrow - i did ask if it could wait thinking about work stuff, struggle with this 'oh wait i'm in crisis and need help' perception thing.

I think i'm relieved? I'm a bit nervous about what they might decide about me? I'm anxious that the house is a mess - which is nice to worry about something normal.

I don't know if this makes sense but Its dawning on my that I might be ill - like no one thinks i'm making this up, they all think i need help... The nurse doesn't think i'm depressed which i agree with.

I just this minute had a call from the GP i saw on monday checking in with me too. It seems I can have my fill of medical professionals now. Everyone has spoken about the need to put dd's safety first.

The assesment date was meant to be 2nd May. Can you imagine?