That tonight is the night

[tobedone]

I am so tired, I have had my ESA assessment and they have declared me fit to work, I am appealing, Just got sent a form to say they want to assess me for PIP as well.

I can't go through this again, its the same damn fucking form.

I am too tired to fight the NHS, to fight this system. If I could work I fucking would be.

If I was a dog someone would of put my out my misery, I am the only person who can do this

It seemed like a great idea at the time, now not so much.

We play games, although I am refusing now, because my son beats me at everything from snap to snakes and ladders. Its humiliating being beaten by a 4 year old. He likes to build things and take things apart to see how they worked. At times if I have a broken thing, we take it apart and try and put it back together. He is getting good with a screw driver.

Thinking about it, maybe he could fix the dishwasher.

Nice evening so far?
Games are great fun and my son had play therapy at a young age and I was told that allowing them to win at home was an important part of playing games, you are modelling how to loose and how they should react when they are beaten at games. Just a thought.....
funny day today but I feel so much better for sleep, haven't felt so overwhelmed by filthy house with piles of washing everywhere!!!
Might even watch a film in bed tonight, I only do things like that when I'm having a tough time, stops all the thoughts before bed!!

I was very tired, by the time I picked him up, school run always knocks me out.
I might keep that in mind about the games, he is a good winner, but I really hate being beaten, I probably wouldn't mind so much if I was losing on purpose, but I don't, I am really trying now.
Sleep is an amazing thing, with the right amount you do tend to see the world through better eyes. Take the house one day at a time.
I am now falling asleep more and more with the TV on. Hot water bottle on me, tv on and I am falling asleep a lot quicker than I was. I have been known to stare at a ceiling for 6 hours waiting to sleep.
What film are you thinking?

Didn't watch one in the end. We don't get in from school run and work until 6.30 so I don't sit down until 9 except to eat at 7-7.30. By 8 I'm ready for bed, in fact by 8.30 I'm ready for bed!! I'm one of those that needs a lot of sleep to handle the days!! Slept ok, woke at 12, 2 and 5 but went back to sleep so not too bad.
How was your night?

Cheeky monkeys are the best :) love them to bits :)

I think I fell asleep round about 3 and woke up at 5.30, so feeling pretty tired. I want to do so much, but am struggling to keep my eyes open, so debating going back to bed after my son goes to school.

I bet as soon as I get back, I am going to be wide awake, vicious circle. But also I am not sure, I want to get back into a cycle of going to bed, during the day.

I think that you should sleep as and when you can, it is the only I took some homeopathic pills from a naturopath to get me back into sleeping at the right time, might help or be worth trying.
I think sleeping for 2/3 hours this morning would be ok. You could then start your day at 12/1ish. I always read if I'm struggling to fall asleep but it has to be the right book!

I wish I could, I get really anxious I am not going to wake up in time to collect my son, and that thought keeps me awake.

I am hoping, if I can get through today with no napping and go to bed at the same time he does, then I might get a decent amount of sleep tonight.

How are you today?

Can you not set two alarms for half an hour before you need to wake up? (I get the same anxiety about daytime sleeping so know what you mean)

I'm ok, it's sunny outside. I feel very sad but I know I just have to keep going, work etc! Doing a fast run tonight with my sons school, have been cocooning myself with close friends and family so will be weird to get out and about. Probably good for me though!
It's a beautiful day here, wish I could go and walk in the sun!

For some reason, I just don't wake up. I think years as a teenager of being able to hit the snooze button.

However as soon as my son is home, then I could sleep for England. Normally its just the two of us, which is why I try and jam as many activities in, so that I don't fall asleep. Although knowing my son, he would probably put a blanket on me, tuck me in with a toy and go get a biscuit for himself and the dog.

I had all the windows opened in my house today, very much with the attitude my depression could fuck off. It sort of worked, certainly better than I was.

Hope the run when well. I think grief is a very individual, personal thing and only you know what you can and can't do. Things have to be done and I am sure on those the body just goes onto auto pilot. The other times, are the difficult times. I remember waking up once after a weird dream and thinking I must tell my friend that and suddenly it hit me again that I wouldn't be able to.

Hope this evening has been kind to you

How was your night?
I pushed myself very hard on the run and felt very ill at the end, had to sit down for ages and was convinced I was going to pass out/vomit! Made it home in one piece and slept well. Must get back into running a couple times a week, it really does help.

That was a good idea re windows, I have to do that at the moment, need light and air around me, and your son sounds like a lovely boy. So nice that you play games with him. I miss the school afternoon where we used to be outside playing with a ball or painting (often only using a brush and water so we could 'paint' anything)
Parents evening tonight, dreading it, not because it won't be good but it's a small space and noisy and I just don't know what will set me off at the moment!! One of the teachers has a severe lack of empathy!! Hey ho.
Hope you have a good morning :-)

It was ok, declared the dishwasher a right off. So going to have to get use to washing up for a while.

I like the fresh air in my house. It brightens it up. He is a lovely boy, his strops are amazing though.

I have just started parents evening, I book the last one, in the hopes its not so busy, I have been lucky so far with the 2 I have done.

I miss yesterdays weather. Probably still going to open the windows though. Hope your morning is good

Mine still has good strops at 13!!

Sorry about your dishwasher, although I do think my son and I have good chats when he dries the dishes.

Parents evening was ok, except one teacher commenting that he knew life was difficult at the moment but we will get over it and life goes on!! He meant well....,.but!!

Hope you've had a good evening. I'm not looking forward to the weekend, im better with the structure of work, determined to run this weekend though as it does make me feel better

DS is 4, he loves to help in the kitchen, but not sure I would trust him drying.

That is insensitive. You can have one of my rare hugs for that one.

DS has woken up a few times, with earache, so no sleep rather than some, I think, especially if he stays in our bed.

You can run for the both of us, ;)

Hope your evening was good

I hope you are ok. Do you have anyone who can help you with the appeal? My friend got turned down and had support for the appeal. He says he couldn't/wouldn't have done it himself.
I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time of things. I'm wide awake stressing about life too.
Hopefully you are asleep by now. X

A friend of mine helped me with it, it took 5 days for them to refuse me, it has taken nearly 3 weeks so far and counting. I haven;t even looked at the PIP form yet.

Thank you, I didn;t end up going to sleep till 7am, was up the night with my son and then snatched a few hours till my partner went to work. Hope you are ok, life is sucky at the moment for so many people

How's the weekend going tobe?
Have a bladder infection that is slowly taking hold, have had years without after 18 months of not being able to shift one, that's why I have been in so much pain running!! Thought it was a bit odd that it made me feel so awful.
Will go to doctors on Monday.

First available lie in all year and the only Sunday I wake up before 7.... typical!! Maybe I'll go back to bed

It was ok, we took DSS and DS out for lunch, outside of my comfort zone and I have been suffering all day today. I went with the advice that its my body's way of telling me to chill out. So I made a fort and spent all day under it only coming out to get my son. Then we played knights and forts this evening.

Hopefully I will have gotten rid of this anxiety feeling tomorrow, or I am going to have to go back to the doctors.

Sorry to here about the bladder infection, I hear they can be horrible.

Hope you managed to get back to sleep

Feel like I need a fort this evening! What a lovely idea and quite right to listen to your body. When we find things tough it is physically and emotionally draining and we must rest and put more 'in the tank' so to speak.
Hope your week is going well.
I'm coming down with a cold, always makes me so sleepy!!

I managed to get my hands on a free dishwasher, its old but definitly better than me washing up.

Other than that, my anxiety is on a massive high, which makes doing anything difficult. I am struggling to keep it together, so I have made an appointment to see the doctor and see what else they can suggest.

Sleepy is good though, I always think everything can be solved with a bit of sleep. Hope you feel better soon

How's the new dishwasher? Hope the doctor was helpful. Anxiety is so draining, my seems to have settled now. My sons is still quite high but mostly limited to at night and the dark now. He's back in his own room though, just sending him to school absolutely shattered each day!
Comic relief day today though so hopefully a fun day at school and catch up on sleep over the weekend!
Have you got any plans for weekend?

Sorry it has been so long. I had a major down period and barely moved out of my bed for a few days.

Better now, well manic now. Doctors app is next week, forgot it was Easter, so might have to rearrange it, unless I can find someone to look after my son

Dishwasher is much louder than my last one, it upsets the dog.

How are you doing?