That tonight is the night

[tobedone]

I am so tired, I have had my ESA assessment and they have declared me fit to work, I am appealing, Just got sent a form to say they want to assess me for PIP as well.

I can't go through this again, its the same damn fucking form.

I am too tired to fight the NHS, to fight this system. If I could work I fucking would be.

If I was a dog someone would of put my out my misery, I am the only person who can do this

[NolongerAnxiousCarer]

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/pip/help-with-your-pip-claim/fill-in-form/

[tobedone]

Sailinggirl I see my doctor fairly regularly, but I think she is getting just as frustrated as me, meds don't seem to work and there just isn't the resources.

KeemaNaan thank you, I will have a look and if I get stuck will PM you

Nolonger I have been assessed, discharged, assessed again (although not through a&e) there isn't the resources in my county. With PIP, I am expecting to be declined, as people with more severe issues have and then win back on appeal, but we live on the breadline as it is and not having this money will sink us.

Thank you all for all your responses. While I might not sound it I do appreciate it. I am just tired of fighting and spend a lot of my time thinking how much better it would be for my son if I wasn't here vs thinking how much better it is for my son that I am here. I hate living like this and just want to be "normal" or my definition of it.

[sailinggirl1780]

I can honestly tell you that it is better for your son that you are here. I lost my dad at 6, and I lost my brother last month. Both had mental health issues. (Hence why I was awake most of the night, grief is all consuming) The system is so wrong, you shouldn't have to fight so hard for help. You are so strong, you sound like a lovely person and I bet your son loves you to bits. I'm sorry I'm not coming up with more helpful advice, as a family we have fought the system for years. Don't give up and don't worry about showing appreciation, just keep posting. Sometimes I break the days into chunks and just think 'just get through the next 3 hours' don't look too far ahead.
There is always the crisis team, they will help

[tobedone]

I am so sorry for you loss Sailinggirl

I try and break up the day, but at the moment, five minutes seems like forever.

The Crisis team were the last lot to cut me loose. I went from seeing them once a month, with GAD, rapid bipolar, extreme depression and OCD to seeing a new doctor, who diagnoised depression and discharged me.

I put in a complaint about the doctor. But I have since lost the will to fight anyone and trying to just get through the day

[picklemepopcorn]

My mum was crap. Still better to have her than not though. Please don't underestimate how important you are to people.

[picklemepopcorn]

I do recognise that feeling though' and I'm sorry the support you need isn't there.

[sailinggirl1780]

You are so important to people. Not just your son but there will be many others too. It might not feel like it, but you are.

[Jazzywazzydodah]

Bloody hell tobedone you've been through the mill. My mother has really bad MH and I know how badly the illness effects families.

Please please please for your kids don't give up. Your illness is making you think and believe things that you wouldn't normally do. My mother tried hanging her self twice, sectioned both times and my db and I never really forgive her.

I dispair at our government I really do at not giving MH treatment priority. Please don't let it win. You win every day you get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.

I'm genuinely not being patronising or glib but have you ever thought/tried a more holistic approach? Exercise, running, painting.. anything to change five minutes of your day feeling over whelmed?

[tobedone]

I keep telling myself that there are others, my partner for one. I do have family, but they don't really believe in bad mental health, so only ever see the good side. Easier for all concerned.

Jazzy we bought a dog, to get me out the house to walk him, so I do that 3 times a day. It use to make me feel better, but at the moment, nothing brings me a lot of joy.

I suppose one of the things, I have at the moment, is I am still feeling things, the last really bad depressive patch, I got to the point, where I just stopped feeling anything, that ended up with a suicide attempt and I honestly thought that I would never go back to that point, and I keep telling myself I need to keep doing things. I have gone back to basics, and given myself small managable things, so getting dressed is an accomplishment, but I am all the way thinking, this is not a good way to live. There is more to life than this, its been 3 years and I have stalled and gone backwards.

[sailinggirl1780]

My brother thought he was alone with no one to turn to. His illness had told him he couldn't trust anyone. It was his funeral last week and the church was full, people had travelled such long distances, he had no idea how many peoples lives he had touched. I can't bear the thought that he is no longer here, I hadn't seen him for a year. You really do matter, your life is precious.
Sometimes I go outside with my dogs, and I just watch them walk, they play, they are so happy to be out with me, I make myself see the joy in them. Sometimes I have to stop and look around and tell myself that I am looking at a beautiful world, might be a tree or green fields or plants or the sea or the sky. Keep looking until you find it. You sound like you've been through so much, you have strength in you.

[tobedone]

Sailinggirl

I keep telling myself I will get through it, but its not working. I just want to run away, the anxiety makes that difficult though.

It is stressful for my partner and probably my son,, although we try to keep as much as possible from him. He is a smart boy and has cottoned on to the fact mummy is a little different. I use to be so decisive and now can't make a decision for toffee.

[Itisnoteasybeingdifferent]

Tobe
It takes time. It took you some time to get unwell and it takes time to get better. It doesn't happen overnight or even a week. Please don't get scared but when I broke down (in 2006) it took months to get somewhere near OK but in reality it was a couple of years before I was almost out the woods. Now looking back I think it took best part of four years to get back to where I was before, and in truth I will never be the same again. (No bad thing there! as I was a nightmare). Looking back I used to think this month I am now better and how I felt last month was actually not yet better.. I kept doing this for nearly a year then I understood it does take time.

Also please believe me that running away won't solve anything because you have to take yourself with you.

[tobedone]

Itsnoteasy. You sound like an old friend of mine, he once told me, that it took 30 years to get as fucked up as I am, it is going to take time for me to get well. Great minds.

I think, its mainly because I was doing well, and this has now just knocked me back and its hard. I can see the carnage of my mental health all around me and it does throw me alot.

[sailinggirl1780]

Look for the good. There is always some good in your day, if you've shown your son some love with a kiss and a cuddle then you've done good.
I hope you get some sleep tonight OP, I'm having an early night because I must try and catch up. May well be back here during the night.

[Jazzywazzydodah]

My mum painted her face like a geisha and went out in to the snow in her nighty, She was picked up by the police and sectioned on one occasion. I think MH steals people from families. It's really hard fighting it because you can't put a plaster on it or bandage it up so people can see and focus on that part of the illness.

Do you write about how you feel? Have you tried meditation? Do you have therapy?

I had therapy for a short while - it wasn't for me. Sorry lots of questions.

[tobedone]

I don't really sleep Sailinggirl. I have insomnia, so I normally get maybe a few hours of sleep a night.
Jazzy I have a mood diary, I started it when I was having talk therapy to prove the point that my depressive and manic states, were quick firing. My partner writes in it as well, to note what he sees. It has been useful to see if there is anything that triggers either mood. For example depressive signs would be, not moving from the sofa, not interacting with my son as much. Manic signs are insisting we go out, running round a field.

CBT doesn't work on me anymore. I had it about 5 years ago and it worked amazingly well, so jumped at the chance to have it again, 3 years ago and nothing, tried again about 9 months ago and it still didn't work. I think it has something to do with finding that first thought that makes me panic, I don't have that thought I go from fine to batshit in 3 seconds flat.
I was having therapy, but the doctor discharged me saying I had depression. So I went from one month having GAD, Rapid cycling Bipolar and OCD to depression. I was a fucking miracle marvel.

I put in a complaint about him and I think my GP did something as well, she was really shocked.

[sailinggirl1780]

How are you this morning?
Your gp should be able to refer you to someone else? She/he sounds supportive, unfortunately it just means pestering them until they listen. Working with the right person can make all the difference.
My brother always said depression came and went quickly, he said you could be looking at the most beautiful thing in the world but depression wouldn't allow you to see it. He said he'd wake up one morning which could be months later and it had just lifted, no reasoning but he could see beauty again.
That mood diary is a great idea, and fantastic that your partner writes in it too. You sound like you are so open to treatment, keep asking for referrals until you find one that works. Do you or could use support groups even if online?

[tobedone]

Hi Sailinggirl

Feeling better this morning. Have a horrible feeling, I am going to go too far the other way to manic, but at least I will get alot more done. She has wanted to refer me to another group, but I asked her not to for now. The problem I have found is that, you get passed around, with my 18 months with the crisis team, I think I saw 8 different Psychotherapists and only one of those did I ask not to see again. (She was heavily pregnant and a lot of my mental health issues are around a miscarriage and not be able to get pregnant again, but that is a very long, boring story)
Your brother was right, the most beautiful thing in my world is my son and making him laugh, at the times I am down not even his laugh makes me smile, I just can't see it.
I think that because we have been effectivly dealing with this on our own for a while now, we have had to put in our own methods of coping. I am always up for new treatement or just different treatment. I just want to get well and get back to doing work.
How are you today?

[Itisnoteasybeingdifferent]

Tobe

Thank you for reading. Then lets take the next steps one day at a time.

OOI have you tried Valproate Semi Sodium. It is a med that has a lot of uses, one of which is to keep manic behaviour under control. I swear by it. By keeping the manic episodes at arms reach, I find I am avoiding the depressions... Also has a nice short half life with absolutely no withdrawal effects.

[tobedone]

Hi Itisnoteasy

Yes I think I have been, but I would have to double check, I have been on a lot of things, over the last 3 years. After the first on stopped woking, we started keeping a note on the drug effects as well. Also because I am shite at remembering what they are called. If not I will ask my doctor about them and see if you she can prescribe them.

I know however, she was going down the route of helping with the anxiety. As bad as the depression and the mania are, its the anxiety that keeps me at home and is probably the biggest cause of the depression.

[sailinggirl1780]

I'm ok thanks. We are trying to find out what happened, he drowned but we don't know much else. Feels weird to think that the world still works without him in it. He was unwell a lot of the time but what he gave me when he was able to was so special, I feel so robbed. He was only 44.

[tobedone]

Very young, I hope you get your answers. When a friend of mine died, I was so angry that the world kept going. The W H Auden poem stop all the clocks summed up how I was feeling perfectly.

[sailinggirl1780]

Yes it really does doesn't it!!
I like to think I'll make him proud, I know he was proud of me. We've been through a lot as a family, he's ten years older than me so was always the very big brother!
How you doing today? It's the afternoon already!!

[tobedone]

I have managed to change the beds, which should be been yesterday's job. I am half way through trying to fix the dishwasher and thinking I am going to have to wash everything up by hand. Got to clean the bathroom, so my OCD relaxes and then I would normally try and continue on with the decorating, I am painting my whole house, something I started when I went manic a few months ago. For most people it probably would of only taken a few weeks, but due to my moods, it has taken me over 7 months, by the time I am finished, I will probably have to redo it.

However, I think because of recent events, I shall curl up on the sofa and conserve energy, ready for school pick up. DP went to work, so its just me to do it.

[sailinggirl1780]

Wow, I would never attempt to decorate, I'm awful at it and end up covering everything else in paint!! My flat is so disgusting at the moment, I'm not on top of anything so well done you. Conserving energy sounds like a very good idea.
What do you tend to do after school?