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Original poster

Oh for f**k's sake, here we go again...

30 replies

Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 22:40

Regularish mner, name changed for privacy.

Recently I've been gradually lowering dose my ad dose on my gp's reccomendation. Now I'm feeling hopeless & weepy again and I think I'm going to have to put the dose back up.

Would like another baby, can't afford it. Would love nicer house in nicer area but can't afford it. Would love to give up full time job but am main money earner atm. I seem to be slogging away with no reward.

I have so much to be grateful for, so why do I need medication to be able to live my life without completely falling apart?

I could go on and on about how shit my life is...

OP posts:
whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 22:43

I'd increase the does again. It's all about perspective, when you are depressed all the things you mentioned seem overwhelming
When you aren't depressed you think 'oh well never mind, at least I've got x, y, and z).

Needing medication for depression is not a failing, anymore than a diabetic needing insulin is a failure.

Don't beat yourself up ! ( I know, depression makes that virtually impossible, but you know what I mean!)

Coolmama · 02/03/2007 22:46

start a notebook -
each page is titled " today I am grateful for..."
and then list 5 things that you are grateful for.
go on - get a piece of paper and a pen and do it now.

charlieq · 02/03/2007 22:48

I'm being pressured to go back on my meds too- am pregnant, so don't want to. But with my symptoms proliferating, everyone from midwife to husband is suggesting 'gently' that I shouldn't be unmedicated.

I know what you mean, it feels hard to be a person who needs medication and also to feel that you don't have a 'proper' reason for it. But we have an illness, a modern condition, whatever you want to call it. Depressives deal with a lot, wherever it is coming from- childhood, impoverished contemporary life, just being more sensitive than others etc. If you need help, take it (am not taking my own advice though until baby is born, I can't face feeding him drugs through the placenta, as long as I can just about manage- midwife though says I am damaging him more by being depressed, but that is another story)

please try to look after yourself, & believe you deserve it....

Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 22:53

It is definitely all abot perspective - I just hate not being able to keep any without being zoned out on ad's

I am grateful for:

  1. my dd who is healthy and happy
  2. having a roof over my head
  3. not being in significant debt
  4. ermmmmm...
OP posts:
whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 22:54

4.Mumsnet

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 22:55

Sorry didn't mean to make light! See the ADs as a temp thing, I will take them for 6 months and then try cutting back. If that doesn't work then I wll try again later. You will find a time that's right, when coming off the drugs just works.
Don't beat yourself up if it's not the right time yet.

Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 22:58

dh is no help I can't talk to him at all - he gets frustrated because he can't do anything tangible to help and that makes me feel worse

I am upstairs crying and he is downstairs completely oblivious - I can't face his usual reaction so I'd rather be alone

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whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 23:01

Oh sweetheart try not to cry. So sorry you feel like this...

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 23:03

Are you sure you can't go down and get a hug from your dh? Am sure he get's frustrated but it's only cos he cares...

Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 23:03

whyamisoweak yes I am v grateful for mn I would be lost if I didn't have that outlet

have been on the ad's 2 years already

Charlieq I totally understand where you're coming from part of my reasoning for wanting to come off is to give myself the possibility of ttc should things change

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Coolmama · 02/03/2007 23:04

the idea of the list is to help you find the joy in each day and is an ongoing process -
things on my list include

  • I am grateful for the fact that the sun is shining
  • I am grateful for my sisters who love me, no matter what
  • I am grateful for my computer that keeps me connected to MN
  • I am grateful for the hot shower I had this morning
  • I am grateful that DS was gifted to me
  • I am grateful that I have a washing machine

Once you start thinking about it, you will be amazed at how much goodness you are surrounded by. Keep at it and it will help, I promise you.

Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 23:06

have asked for hUgs before and the response was "I don't think a hug will solve anything you need to sort yourself out nothing ever changes does it?"

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whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 23:07

Another great list from CM ( she did me a fine on another thread)

Have you had any counselling aaaaaaarrgghhh?

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 23:08

Sorry didn't see your other post. Sorry that was his attitude before but that doesn't necessarily mean that he will be like that now, does it?

How exactly are you supposed to just 'sort yourself out' anyway? If it was that easy, doesn't he realise you would have done it 2 years ago!

Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 23:09

apologies for crap punctuation etc, am on handheld pc - no keyboard

coolmama that is a very good idea I will try that, thanks [watery smile]

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Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 23:15

I don't think he is deliberately being mean but he doesn't know how to handle it all.

Part of the problem is his inability to make changes to his life to help - find a better job so I can cut my hours for instance. He can't understand why everything can't be fine as it is, he is happy working full time and has said he thinks I should be too.

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Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 23:23

I took on a reasonably well paid but stressful job to give him a chance to re-start his career after it all went a bit wrong for him... he now has the qualifications to do the job he wants to do but has not started looking. The company he works for now keep making promises re increased salary / new improved job spec but nithing ever materialises. They are stringing him along, he knows it but refuses to do anything about it. He then has the cheek to tell me that I need to sort myself out - [fume]

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Coolmama · 02/03/2007 23:26

first of all - AD's for 2 yrs!!!!!!WTF - get a grip and take back control of your life!!!!!! -

  • you take one day at a time - you are entirely responsible for the state of your head and you are the only person who can change that - but it's your decision -
You either want to make your life different or not - it really is that simple - Stop the AD's and face what it is that you have, what you want, the difference between the two and what you can do to make that happen.
Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 23:27

sorry this is turning into a dh rant and it wasn't supposed to.

i'm just at a loss... I suppose i'll keep taking the pills and carry on trying to convince myself that it's all fine

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Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 23:29

x posts coolmama

you are right I need to get a grip

don't know where to start though

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NotanOtter · 02/03/2007 23:31

not sure i personally would take coolmamas s=advice

Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 23:41

I heve been obedient wifey for too long but I can't bring myself to break the cycle

What I want seems to be ever further removed from what he wants but yet I stick around for fear of what might happen

I want to move closer to family but he refuses to live in that part of the country. I want to spend more time with dd but he refuses to do anything to facilitate that.

more dh ranting... the way I am isn't down to him but his stubborn nature really doesn't help

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NotanOtter · 02/03/2007 23:42

does he make you happy most of the time?

Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 23:49

sometimes yes but a lot of the time we just seem to be co-existing. Most night he sleeps on the sofa, when I a sked why he said not to read anything into it, he just gets comfy and falls asleep downstairs. Not sure if that's a symptom of something bigger.

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Original poster
Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh · 02/03/2007 23:52

We never go out together, don't have fun. We are permanently skint atm. That has a lot to do with it I think

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