Pretty sure DH has just had nervous breakdown!!!! :-(

[needtogetoffchest]

Regular mumsnetter but changed name as know too many mumsnetters in RL.

Will try and keep short but apologies if I go on a bit.

Bit of history first......had problems with DH for years with the way he deals with his stress/anger. Always refused anger/stress management counselling until the last time we had big row when he agreed to for my sake (yet not really thinking needed it). Not sure where his problems come from but I'm pretty sure it's down to his violent upbringing???

Anyway, last night was the worst ever. He's very very stressed at work at the moment, finding life hard (money, getting old i.e. loosing hair and teeth etc) and then yesterday, we had big car problems which I think tipped him over the edge. He got back from work and later in evening, had bit to drink to destress once ds in bed. We ended up talking about stuff we weren't happy about, I told him I wasn't happy with the way he treats me/makes me feel when he's so stressed like that. Said can't take much more and even said that one day I might go out and end up having an affair if offered on a plate as just had enough (was just trying to snap him out of the way he treats me as over the years we've had same conversation over and over and nothing gets through). Anyway, at one point he started acting weird and then just lost it. Swearing loads, shouting etc, begged him to stop as ds in bed but it was like he had no control and he just couldn't stop.

It got so bad (he feels a failier as a father, breadwinner etc etc) than he lost it and started punching himself in the face VERY hard. I was begging him to stop hurting himself but he wouldn't so I got in there trying to stop him myself. I got punched in the elbow by mistake and cried and said 'you've just hit me' he was very apologetic but then coz felt bad, hit himself even more, smashed him head again the wall a few times, I grabbed him and screamed 'DH, NOOOOOO, PLEASE, NOOOOOOOOOOO' - I'm surprised neighbours didn't call the police as they must have thought he was beating me or something. Anyway, can't remember what happened straight after but I remember him getting horrible and him going on about killing himself and at some point I had enough and said 'oh bloody do it, get it over and done with' which I feel awful about but it was obviously the built up stress of years of problems that made me snap. He rushed to pack bags and go and I tried to stop him. Said didn't measn it, I'm sorry and I love him etc. but couldn't get through to him. Told him not fair on me and ds but he seemed to think we're better off without him.

Anyway, can't remember at what point he changed but he just suddenly started crying his eyes out about what a bad person he was etc, useless and all that. I tried to hug him but he told me not to touch him (don't think he felt he deserves the hug???) I perserved, treating him like I would try to calm my ds if was having a bad tantrum and EVENTUALLY (took time) he let me hold him, I stroked his face over and over to try and calm him and then after about 20 mins, managed to get him to sit down on the sofa. He sobbed like a child, it broke my heart.

He finally admitted he felt physotic at the moment - BIG RESULT - and admitted he needed help but when I told him he's not going to work tomorrow (today), he was going on about how much work he has and that he has to . Anyway, he went to bed, I stayed down as was in shock at the events and needed a bit of time. He was asleep when I got up there. This morning, swollen face and puffy eyed, he went to work

I phoned him about making a Dr's appointment and he said would have to be before or after work as they don't like you missing time at work. I was so upset as last night was a big thing and he's not just got a bug or something!!!!! I cried then hung up. He phoned later and said someone at work asked if he was ok and he told them no and said a couple of things to them. They said to get to the Dr's and get signed off for a week. To many people at work are ill from the stress! Anyway, he finally agreed to getting an appointment on Monday (otherwise it would be 12th March!!) and I've booked it!

So, we go to the Dr's, tell them he's stressed but then what?? What should we ask for? Yes, he needs signing off BUT he also needs much more help than time off. Just don't want fobbing off by the Dr (coz I know it happens!) and want to know what sort of help he needs?

He's abused drugs in the past which could be part of it (nothing very heavy but still) and I just want my dh to get better.

Any advice? Any success stories? I suppose I just wanted to chat to someone as I'm on my own at home with a poorly ds who's sleeping and I can't stop thinking about last night. It terrified me

Thanks if you've managed to get to the end

Wow poor you. How about a complete change of job? It sounds very stressful and life just doesn't have to be that stressful

Hi, sorry I have no advice but just wanted to say that your dh has made a huge step in admitting he needs help...Wishing you & your dh lots of luck. x

Just wanted to add my support, and hope the doctor is sympathetic.

Make sure that you go in yourself with dh to the gp and tell him your concerns and stress how worried you are.

Thanks We're looking at new jobs for him but at the moment we can't afford for him to leave work. Although, having said that, I did say last night that I'd rather he walked out on his job than see him like this. Problem is not just the job, he's definitely got a problem within himself as he's always had trouble dealing with stresses and can be a bit like a monster sometimes yet on the outside, people think he's lovely as he puts on a front.

What doesn't help is that since I had ds, I've had 3 businesses that I've made a go of and although he's proud of me, he said last night that he wishes he could make a success and be a good provider - you know how men feel they need to provide etc.

Yes, the job needs sorting but he needs help in other ways too and I'm just not sure what can help him. I know he's going to refuse AD's if Dr prescribes but surely if he's this bad, he needs them? What do you think? BTW, not saying this is the answer, he definitely needs proper help, counselling of some sort or something?

Don't worry, I am going in with him and THANKFULLY, he's fine with that. It will be his first time at my surgery (I know, I know, why is my dh of 5 yrs+ still with a different surgery! hehe) - I think he wants me there to support him which shows how vunerable he is as normally I think he'd tell me to F off

Does your dh do any kind of exercise?...sometimes helps release stress especially with men.

needtogetoffchest, the Dr's appointment is a good first step in the right direction. Take time before then to write down what the concerns are, as you see it, as dh sees it, also what they must realise at his workplace that he is not his usual self, etc.

Try to get a sitter for ds so you can go with dh and be there in the appt without distraction and freedom to talk.

You are being brave in addressing it. Don't pull any punches with explaining to the dr just how serious this is, how out of control and scary etc. Could have had a tragic outcome and needs to get sorted.

Thinking of you. {{{HUGS}}}

hi
what a frightening experience for you both. i really feel for you.

i can only share my experience of my dh having a breakdown which isn't anything so extreme or violent as what happened to you last night.

very long story short: summer 2005 dh became very snappy and generally crap around the house. towards the end of summer he went out and didn't come back for 6 weeks. he took the car and ended up in europe. he texted and emailed occasionally. i had no idea he was out of the country.

anyway, when he returned he saw the dr who suggested it was a sort of breakdown and advised anti-depressents and counselling. the dr referred for counselling immediately and told dh to go away and come back in 2 weeks for the ADs.

dh was very against the ADs and the waiting list for counselling was 4 months. he saw a private counsellor a couple of weeks later and within 3 days was gone again.

six weeks later he turned up and took the ADs. Again the dr tried to get him to wait 2 weeks before taking the ADs.

on reflection i was furious that the dr insisted on this 2 week wait. IMO it just meant delaying treatment for 2 weeks.

eventually he was referred to a psychiatrist as they finally agreed his behaviour was too extreme for counselling.

so we're now 18 months down the line, he's on his 2nd psychiatrist and new meds since xmas and there is a lot of improvement. but, he's still not living at home and i don't see him a great deal.

i guess my advice is to be very firm at the dr and get him referred asap and onto meds if necessary.

if you have private health insurance, use it. if you don't then stress the self harm/violent behaviour to get him seen faster. if he is a danger to himself or you you must highlight this.

on a personal level, if you want to retain your relationship and help him get well then be prepared for a long haul. it's very difficult living with someone suffering from depression.

make sure you have lots of support around you. don't do what i did and not tell anyone for months. btw, i was 6.5 months pg when he left the 1st time. dh cam back for the birth but he missed xmas, NY and Easter then dd's birthday and NY again but we did have xmas day together.

good luck, i really hope your dh gets the help he needs and you come thru this.

Hello,

I'd agree with other posters, and don't really have a lot to add, but I do have personal experience of this.

There is a history of depression in the family, and my father had a breakdown a few years ago. I had one at new years. I've been on prozac since, and it has done wonders. I've also had counselling and I also phone my mum every day now, who is also on ADs so I can talk things through with someone who really understands.

It is a horrible place to be in, it really is, and I really feel for your dh and for you. My dp went through hell watching me go through it. I'm really glad that you're going with him, as my GP doesnt have a clue as to the extent of what my problems were, but I've bee very lucky in that hte prozac has really balanced me out.

I'll be hoping for you both to get all the support that you need. xxx

Sorry I disappeared, dh came home for lunch.

ScottishThistle - funny you should say that. No exercise, eats rubbish, drinks rubbish (beer, coffee) and water is poison! I'm really working on this atm as I'm sure it helps but he also needs proper mental help too.

TwinklingStar - good point about writing down! Thanks And as for his work, my brave dh has spoken to his team leader who then arranged a meeting with the line manager. They were very supportive, have said he can go home early today if he wants and no problem about Dr's on Monday. They said they'd wondered where the bubbly man had been for the last few days and that they were worried he looked withdrawn etc. They said his work is great, it's the job that's impossible. They said they feel they've failed as management and that he MUST get sorted as the team leader had a breakdown last year. Apparantly they are working on new staff or something as they are finally realising that saving money on staff is no good if the good ones are all off with stress!!! So, work fine, Dr's sorted, chatted at lunchtime about AD's and he agreed that although he doens't want them, he'll do anything to sort this out! I'm in tears now as years of not getting through and although last night scared the S--- out of me, I feel we're getting somewhere at last! As for a sitter, I did think of that but luckily ds is at nursery from 8.50am and I don't need to collect til 12.45pm as booked lunchclub and the appointment is at 10.10. Don't worry, I won't be holding back anything which normally would worry me but thank god dh is so low he's happy for me to say anything! (not thank god he's so low - you know what i mean!)

paddlechick666 - what a sad story. I think I'd find that harder to be honest, you poor thing. I'm very grateful for your story as I think I will insist on a psychiatrist as I've had counselling before and so has he but I think he's a lot more disturbed and needs proper help! You poor thing, I don't know how you've coped but well done and I hope you have a happy ending!

Wentthereonce - thanks for sharing that. Dh has history of depression too. His dad left when he was 3/5 or something and his mother beat the cr*p out of him, his twin brother and younger sister. Evil woman! I think her mother killed herself too. He hasn't seen his father for over 15 yrs, doesn't see mother anymore and fell out with twin brother 6 months ago so all he has is his sister who doesn't live nearby. No close friends he can talk to either Although he's 15 yrs older than me, I just want to mother him, it's so sad. I think all the siblings are messed up which must reflect their childhood? He's seriously messed up and I just hope to god he gets some proper help as otherwise as sad as it makes me, he's out the door - can't have ds ending up the same way, I do have to think of him too, he's only 3.

Ok, so he won't see a psychiatrist, said he's done that before years ago and it was him who helped himself by going on holiday, he came back a different person. This was over the split of a long term relationship about 17+ years ago.

He's saying that he really think it was just the stress of life at the moment which built up and up and he just broke the other night. He reckons it's not to do with his childhood or anything. Maybe it's not? Maybe it is just the stress but I'm worried it's not just that because of the problems we've had in the past (lots of times).

I'll never forget just before we got married, he totally lost it. He'd just turned 40, his mother had said she's not coming to the wedding (although she was an evil b, he spent many many years still in contact with her, after a long period after they ran away from home as teenagers, as i think he was hoping she would one day be a proper mother. The year we got married dh decided he wanted nothing more to do with her but then thought different near the wedding) and after a night of drinking, came home and tried to roll a ciggy and because he couldn't, he snapped. He went on and on about how he HATED his life, he wanted to end it right then, his life was truly awful - you imagine I this made me feel, supposed to be getting married very soon and felt like I meant NOTHING. He didn't remember throwing things about etc. when I told him the next day. I left the mess for him to see the next day so he had to believe what I was saying.

He's only snapped like that probably 3 times in our 10 yrs together and usually it's just him making me feel like crap by the way he is when he's stressed. Maybe these other things are nothing to do with the other night? Maybe he just needs to deal with his recent stress? BUT, is it more than that? HOw do I know?????

Sorry, just need to write this down to get off my chest but if you do have advice, please give it as I'm now not sure what I need to get out of our Dr's appointment on Monday?

Is he still having the same feelings now, as he did that night? I felt the same for weeks afterwards, until the ADs kicked in.

It sounds like he has had such a lot to deal with, you both have, and the recent stress has tipped him over the edge. He needs to be completely honest about everything with the GP, including the past then if the GP is any good they will know what is best for him. I think you are doing a wonderful job of supporting him, but try not to take too much on yourself, you aren't his mother, and he does need to take some responsibility for himself. He needs to something because it isn't fair on you or the kids or even himself for this to continue.

Depression is a chemical imbalance, and it can be sorted with ADs, and this may be all that he needs to be able to get back on top of things. Just be totally honest with the GP, and I wish you the best of luck. x x

needtogetoffchest, that time he went off on holiday and sorted himself out, I imagine he had just himself to consider - now he has you, and ds. He can't just clear off for a fortnight this time!

Try to pick a calm, quiet time and get dh to write down (or tell you, and you write it if he's reluctant to do so) about the things that he feels have built up to this explosion. Maybe some trend will emerge, like things repeatedly going wrong in different areas of his life, you are not looking to apportion blame, just try to see if there is some reasoning. It might help clarify things in your own minds for when you see the doctor. Help you summarise effectively.

Looking at it from what you have posted, there is a real danger because in his uncontrolled rage dh is totally irrational. That emotion could lead to devastating consequences because in the heat of the moment, he is unable to think clearly and might do something his calmer self would never entertain. But when he has these moments, he simply is not in his right mind. He is a very fortunate man to have you at his side to get the help he clearly needs. It is hard for you, but you can do this, for dh, ds and yourself.

Wentthereonce - he's been much better since, in fact very jolly today but I know he's like this and have to remind myself that there is still a problem to sort!! He said he felt better at work yesterday as they took so much work off him it really helped. I do think he needs AD's for now but not sure what other help he needs. Hopefully the GP will be useful on Monday.

twinklingstar - yes, he can't bugger off on holiday!! He can wait til our 2 week holiday in June! We've been together 10+ years and in that time, had only our honeymoon 5 and half years ago up until last year. Last summer we had a week in a caravan in Skegness and we so looking forward to actually having a break away but it was a total disaster and I mean truly awful! Won't go into details but we even had it chucking it down the whole time, it was freezing in the caravan and it was August So, I told dh that we are having a proper holiday this year (as I've also been really stressed with the work I do and lots of stuff to deal with). I'm hoping this will be really good for the whole family, abroad in the sunshine!

Like the idea of chatting to dh and writing stuff down, will do that! I spoke to his sister today and told her what happened and she agrees that it's not JUST the recent stresses, there's always been something with all 3 kids and she really believes part of it (if not all) is genetic? I must say I can see what makes her say that.

I totally understand what you mean about the danger when he's not in his own mind. The normal dh would never dream of physically hurting any of us, it goes against everything he believes and this is a very strong feeling due to his own childhood. BUT....when yesterday he said 'you do know i'd never hurt you or ds don't you' I said that I used to believe that and still know my normal dh wouldn't but said I was worried that when he's like this (not often but still...), he has NO control over anything so how can he KNOW!! I really am not overly concerned but concerned enough to want to make sure the Dr is aware of everything!

just popped in to say good luck at the GPs today, have been thinking lots about you. xx

good luck with the GP.

Just a thought - do you think the break with his twin has pushed him over the edge a bit ? It is a very close bond and I would imagine the breaking of it must be very stressful. Would it be possible to talk about what the break was about and if it can be healed ?

Good luck for today.

I'm here if you need to talk.

Thanks everyone, that's so nice. You may have seen my other thread yesterday 'had enough' - pulled myself together now as dh really needs me!

He insists the break from his twin is not bothering him at all and that it was a long time coming. He's says they are like chalk and cheese and he's so right. I do worry it can't be helping things but if he says it's not an issue, there's nothing I can do.

Feel a bit nervous now. Off to make a cuppa and then leave at about 9.40.

LMG's - I'll try not to moan at you on MSN too much today!

needtogetoffchest,

good luck at the dr today. really hope it goes well and your dh allows you to be as open and honest as you need to be.

sorry haven't been around much but have houseguests for a few days so no MN time - eek! i am suffering withdrawal symptons I tell ya!

thanks for your message to me the other day. it has been the hardest time of my life trying to support dh whilst being a new mum.

my dh has also had 2 episodes where he has reached a crisis and went off for a few days on his own.

it's easy to say he can't just leave and sort himself out but my dh did. he seems to have a pattern where he has a major crash and then it takes about 6 weeks before he is able to see or speak to anyone. hence the 2 periods of going awol in 2005.

i wish to goodness my dh had spoken to me about his feelings as if we'd got help earlier his illness may not have become so severe.

you are doing a brilliant job of supporting him and you are totally doing the right thing in seeking help immediately. don't get complacent by what seems to be an improvement and allow the GP to fob you off.

remember how you felt when he lost control and how you would feel if that happened again.

if you'd like to CAT me please do, i totally understand how difficult it is to support your partner when they become ill.

good luck today.

Wishing you luck today needtogetoffchest.
Things never got so serious in our household but I do have a similar experience and exercise and a low dose of ADs for a time really helped. Dh refused to go for counselling though
Paddlechick, I've just read your posts
I'm so sorry you've had such trying times. Puts my own experiences into perspective I can tell you.

Me again

Back from Dr's and we're both happy with how it went. He listened to what we both had to say and didn't make us feel bad for taking up a lot more time than a normal appointment would. He said he doesn't think dh needs to see a psychiatrist but did say he needs counselling and maybe also AD's. He explained the chemicals in the brain really well actually. He said that everyone has a certain amount of chemical which helps deal with stress. We all have a different amount but that doesn't matter as we all have different amounts of stress. He said that basically, when you're stressed you use up these chemicals and then when the chemical runs out, that's when the problems start. He said the way to get the chemical back is AD's but that he also needs help sorting the actual problem out. He's referred him for counselling and signed him off for a week (very happy to extend if needed). He asked if dh had any hobbies etc. to de-stress that he used to do but has stopped - dh answered yes, he stopped all his activities pretty much when ds came along. So, Dr prescribed activities he enjoys too

I've told dh that we BOTH need to eat better, exercise and make an effort to do fun things rather than just work work work. Dh said he knew I was suffering too (very emotional at the moment, just loads going on) but I said I'm fine and that I just get tired at times. I don't want him worrying about me, he's a lot worse than I am.

So, now he has this week off, I've TOLD dh that we are going into town after picking ds up from school, we can have a nice look round town and get idea's for ds's birthday whilst there (probably go into Toys R Us and get ds to tell us what he fancies). Friday is an inset day and again I'm not working that day so we're going to think of something to do as a family. Dh likes the sound of all this

I'm very happy with our appointment but I'm just wondering if maybe dh should have been given AD's now? Or maybe try going on St John's Wort or similar?

Right, off to make a quick casserole to throw into the slow cooker then it'll be time to get ds from nursery.

Thanks for your support people

Paddlechick - I really think you are a VERY brave person to deal with your dh going off like that. Dh would never openly talk about how he felt, he would just moan up until what happened on Thursday night. In a weird way I'm really glad he scared us both like that as it made it very obvious there was something wrong and luckily once the red mist had cleared, dh could see he needed help and has been great about letting me help him I hope you manage to sort your problems too. Do come on here for a moan if you need to!!!

hi again!

glad to hear it went so well with the dr. excercise and activities are all good ways to get the feel good factor going.

i would monitor your dh closely and encourage him to go back for the ADs at any time if you feel they're needed. hope you don't have too long a wait for the counselling.

thanks for your message to me. actually my dh has been doing quite well recently. we've seen him several times and it's been lovely. shades of the old man can be detected altho he doesn't feel it himself he says.

seeing more of him brings it's own issues for me tho! i want to see him more and it's always so hard to say goodbye and not know if he'll crash again.

i also get a lot of anxiety when he says he'll come just in case he backs out at the last minute. it really affects me and i find that hard.

but, hopefully this good spell will continue and he's promised that i can go with him to the psychiatrist at the session after the one he has this week. i think i will find that really helpful.

anyways, hope you have a nice relaxing week and your dh continues to improve.

marina, thanks for your message too. everything is relative and whatever your situation it's hard for anyone who has experienced this sort of thing. hope things are okay for you now.

Sorry Paddlechick, wasn't ignoring you, just decided to leave posting for a bit as I've already messed up on another thread by using my normal name and really don't want people I know in RL to see this.

Yes, I'm keeping a close eye on dh and will suggest AD's asap if I think he needs them. He's been off this week and is also signed off next week. He's done lots of sleeping but I've also got him to come out a bit too as I know you can end up in a rut of just staying indoors, doing nothing and feeling sorry for yourself - i do that myself!

I can't imagine how difficult your situation must be. Does your dh not live with you then? Sounds really hard work emotionally. Make sure you look after yourself hun! xx