Help needed - (Thread title edited by MNHQ)

[JingleHellRock]

This is never talked about and even my CPN doesn't help when I ask for help.

Winstons wish is a charity for families battling cancer and includes a leaflet on explaining cancer and if a parent has a terminal illness. I've saved it, but it'd be helpful if there was the same help for families with a parent/loved one with a mental illness.

I'm fairly resigned to the fact this will kill me, having lost two very (very) close people to me to suicide. I love my children and I don't want them to think I didn't love them or that it was their fault- I want there to be some kind of family support when a parent has a possible fatal mental illness, after all suicide is a huge huge killer, one of the top reasons for death.

This isn't a suicidal letter by the way, a genuine request for any information on mental illness/suicide in families for children, if and when. I'm not about to go finish myself now. I'm off to bed with a cup of tea.

Oh yeah and name change, defying the point of name change, oh well.

Winston's Wish helps all children who are bereaved, not just those affected by cancer.

It would be very hard to prep a child or anyone else for someone intending to kill themselves, unless you actively want that child to feel as though they have to become responsible for averting the suicide.

Choosing to kill yourself is not the same as dying from something outside of anyone's control, and to pretend otherwise is hugely self absorbed.

Brilliant HallowedMimic why not just tell op to cheer up and stop winging

Mental illness ruins life and I think the reason it's defined as an illness is that you can't just "get over it" anymore than you can "get over" terminal cancer.

No ideas beyond the obvious ones OP. Maybe leave a letter trying to explain? Letting them know you love them but that you're not always in control of your thought processes. Try to explain the illness and that it's nothing to do with them? Something like that.

Keep getting help though. A parent's death is awful and suicide is particularly difficult.

Whinging! Winging might be better!

You could write to Winston's Wish and suggest it? Maybe even write a draft?

Plenty of mental health and bereavement charities will offer support, advice and forms of counselling to the relatives of those who complete suicide. There are definitely networks out there to offer the kind of support you're talking about. I work with young people and have referred people to these networks in the past. Some found them very helpful, so you don't need to worry that nothing like that exists.

I think it would be very difficult to 'prepare' anyone who loves you for the possibility of losing you in this way without damaging your relationship or making them feel responsible for keeping you alive. Of course nobody chooses to suffer from a severe mental illness the same as nobody chooses to suffer from cancer, but I'm not sure that drawing a parallel will be helpful for your loved ones.

Your children know you love them, I'm sure. I do think it would be helpful to talk about your mental illness in an age appropriate way, if you don't already, so they can at least understand something about it. One of my parents suffered from repeated periods of mental ill-health when I was a child, and although we can obviously tell someone was up, it was never mentioned and this made us feel we had to ignore it and couldn't ask questions. This made things very hard to understand.

I think you'll find hallowedmimic that mental illness IS outside of someone's control. I would very much prefer not to have Bipolar I and not leave my children without a mother.

What an incredibly offensive and ignorant thing to write.

My children are 5 and 2. We have explained to the eldest and he knows that sometimes mummy's brain gets poorly just like how his (whatever body part/physical illness) gets hurt.

Thank you for the suggestions. I was thinking of emailing Mind but contacting Winstons Wish is a good idea.

I just want to minimise their hurt my eldest (5) is the sweetest, most gorgeous, empathetic, gentle and sensitive little boy.

Urgh. I hate mental illness. If only I could just choose to not believe that my atoms are dissolving into dark matter and other such psychotic delusions I can get when ill

Oh and how self absorbed was I when I thought that the ancient historical power from ancient emperors was emanating from me and so I had to get away from my children because I was going to lead to the American secret service thinking we were a threat to global domination.

I could have just chosen to not demand a brain scan from my doctors to prove that I wasn't human. Because mental illness is not like physical illness because it is a rational choice to ruin your (wonderful, stable, married and affluent) life with terror, despair and misery. How self absorbed of me.

I am not sure you can manage to do this without loading all sorts of problems onto your children. A terminal illness that progresses is one thing. Everyone can see it is happening. What you are asking is like preparing someone for death because of a heart attack in advance.

That is not the same as recognising that depression often drives people to suicide. I am also manic depressive. Very fortunately for me, I have never gotten as far as suicide. But I have been very low on a number of ocassions. Why do you think you may get as far as suicide? How bad does it get for you?,,,, and what brings you back?

I try and not criticise people on here, but for Hallowed Mimic I have to make an exception. I can only hope for her that she does not know of the pain that depression causes.

Choosing to kill yourself is not the same as dying from something outside of anyone's control, and to pretend otherwise is hugely self absorbed Wow. One of the most ill informed and hurtful comments I've read on here.

Hallowed this makes me worry about you actually (it's a serious observation). You obviously feel that death at your own hand isn't a tragedy...more of a self indulgence? . Is life maybe not that precious that you'd fight and fight to keep it?

Because you see having Bipolar type I is a choice. I like to choose to ruin friendships, reduce my husband to sobbing tears, be put in an awful hospital where the chairs have wee on them that are just left and you don't know until you sit on them.

I can control when my thyroid goes high, when my serotonin and dopamine shoot through the roof, and all the other genetic, physical and chemical brain changes that lead to bipolar type I.

I love having control of it. In fact that's what they say about type I and mania and delusions- how in control the person is.

I know I'm ranting but unfortunately I am currently taking lamotrigine which is making me very agitated and 'fiery' as my CPN put it today. I should probably take my PRN diazepam but why bother when I could just choose to control it instead

Suicide is highly likely, given my history and close bereavements.

Hello OP

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here.
You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We really really urge you to seek some proper RLhelp

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

So sorry for hijacking your thread , and we really hope things start to look up for you soon,
Sending love and light to you
MNHQ

This post has made me feel really sad.

I get completely and understand whatever thoughts you get you have no control over, but a lot of people struggle with depression and don't commit suicide.

I have no advice with regards of preparing family or your children for you passing.

Is there any chance though you could speak to your consultant about your medication if there is a chance you could feel better?

I've just read a few of your posts, I bet you are a brilliant mum.

Always remember your children will always love you no matter what, your the most important person in their world, they need you

Thank you.

Olivia- I have a CPN that I spoke to on the phone for half an hour today and spent an hour with yesterday. I have RL support and have asked this question to my CPN but she avoids it (saying we need to address where the thoughts are coming from).

My CPN is sorting out another more sedating med alongside the lamotrigine next week. This weekend I have PRN diazepam.

Thank you x

In all seriousness, have you considered moving out, and leaving your husband as the main carer? That way you can gradually fade contact with your children so their world won't shatter quite as hard if you do kill yourself.

Can I ask a question and I really don't mean this in a horrible way but if you felt suicide was a predecided path for you why did you choose to have children?

I have a tumour and am unlikely to survive long term, I am not getting at you I promise.

WE've also changed your thread title - as we had a few reports it was really triggering - we're sure you understand
I can't tell you how relieved I am that you ARE talking this through in RL and that you have RL support -PLEASE we urge you to keep on doing so - better days ARE coming for you and your children.
Kindest kindest wishes

My husband lost his mother to suicide and I know two other women who experienced the same as children. There is no way to prepare or recover from such a trauma and be clear it will be a trauma. Your children will suffer for the rest of their lives from feelings of abandonment, anger, inability to form secure attachments.
Im so sorry you are suffering in this way but you need to see you will also cause your children a lifetime of pain by ending your own.
Surely seeking help in psychiatric form is what will put an end to passing on what will only cause more pain ultimately?
I wish you some peace but don't be deluded you are doing the best for your family. Children need their mother no matter what. X

1. I would probably be sectioned

2. bipolar is in episodes. Prior to having my first child I had been well and stable for 4 years. Are you saying people with mental illnesses shouldn't have children? Because that's basically what the nazis did with eugenics.

Diet Coke I AM having RL help! I have a CPN, am starting psychology next week. I have access to the recovery team duty worker and can speak to my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) every day. I saw her for an hour on Thursday, spoke to her on the phone for half an hour today and I'm seeing her again (at my house) on Monday. The crisis team are likely to become involved and I have the open offer of a hospital bed.

If you don't think that counts as accessing psychiatric support then please explain what else I can do?!

And regarding "why did you have children if you have a mental illness" I was well for 4 years. I only became ill through a number of major stressors last year and having to stop lithium and try to adjust my mood with another mood stabiliser which seems to affect me quite strongly when the dose is adjusted. Thankfully all the healthcare professionals were more than happy for someone with bipolar to start a family, given I had recently graduated with a BSc hons, happily married and employed and secure and comfortable.
Saying people with mental illnesses shouldn't have children is no better than the forced sterilisation done by the nazis.

I'll just hide this now I've been told I am self absorbed, choosing to have my illness and selfish for having children.