I thought about name changing, but fuck it.
This will be hugely identifying but I'm just past caring now.
Last year I had a diagnosis of PTSD with moderate depression. Although, in the words of the psychiatrist 'I'd be moderately depressed too if I'd had all of that to cope with'.
I got better, came off my meds and had a very good patch.
Being ill meant I had lost my job but I was better so I got a new one and was very excited about the future.
Then a colleague said some things that are completely out of order. I complained and he was reprimanded but I don't know how and he has been allowed back to work.
Trouble is, this has set off my PTSD again in a big way and I'm suicidal.
I had some meds left over from when I was taking them so I've started taking them again because they jog my brain out of harming myself mode.
At the moment I am taking the tablets unsupervised by a clinician.
The truth is I just want to lie down and die.
I've thought of lots of ways I could do it but I have children, albeit older, and the rational part of my brain knows it would devastate them.
Driving home from work I seriously considered driving into something but I could hurt someone else, even if it was just a wall, and I don't want to hurt anyone else.
DP has been calling my GP all week but they called back today and he missed the call, I can't cope with speaking to them. The bureaucracy and being passed from person to person without help only makes me worse.
I'm still under the care of the mental health team but I haven't seen anyone for a while.
I'm applying for other jobs desperately. I have to see the man who said the things every day and that compounds things.
DP was away for the weekend and that was the worst, I was a proper danger to myself so I took my tablets, which jolted my brain back to a hazy peace.
I'd like a hand hold, any support and advice would be appreciated.
I know I can't go, I know I must stay but I want it all to just go away and the easiest way seems to be just to disappear.
Thank you for reading my ramble 