Fuck it, this is how it is.

[theredlion]

I thought about name changing, but fuck it.
This will be hugely identifying but I'm just past caring now.

Last year I had a diagnosis of PTSD with moderate depression. Although, in the words of the psychiatrist 'I'd be moderately depressed too if I'd had all of that to cope with'.

I got better, came off my meds and had a very good patch.
Being ill meant I had lost my job but I was better so I got a new one and was very excited about the future.

Then a colleague said some things that are completely out of order. I complained and he was reprimanded but I don't know how and he has been allowed back to work.

Trouble is, this has set off my PTSD again in a big way and I'm suicidal.
I had some meds left over from when I was taking them so I've started taking them again because they jog my brain out of harming myself mode.
At the moment I am taking the tablets unsupervised by a clinician.

The truth is I just want to lie down and die.
I've thought of lots of ways I could do it but I have children, albeit older, and the rational part of my brain knows it would devastate them.
Driving home from work I seriously considered driving into something but I could hurt someone else, even if it was just a wall, and I don't want to hurt anyone else.

DP has been calling my GP all week but they called back today and he missed the call, I can't cope with speaking to them. The bureaucracy and being passed from person to person without help only makes me worse.

I'm still under the care of the mental health team but I haven't seen anyone for a while.

I'm applying for other jobs desperately. I have to see the man who said the things every day and that compounds things.

DP was away for the weekend and that was the worst, I was a proper danger to myself so I took my tablets, which jolted my brain back to a hazy peace.

I'd like a hand hold, any support and advice would be appreciated.
I know I can't go, I know I must stay but I want it all to just go away and the easiest way seems to be just to disappear.

Thank you for reading my ramble

:-( :'-(

Hello.

I'm in no way qualified to advise, guide etc, but happy to listen! With the work stuff, would taking some time off sick be an option? It would perhaps give you some breathing space to get away from the colleague who has been a problem for you. I hope you can get hold of the GP and get an appointment - I think that would be a good thing to do - get your meds reviewed and re-established, and push for a kick up the arse for the MH team too. If you can't get hold of them, do you have a local branch of Mind or something similar you could get in touch with?

How did you do to be better the last time? Can you do a repeat of it or arrange so you can do it once again?

Didn't want to read and run

Is there any way you could go and just sit in the waiting room at your doctors until they see you? I had a bit of a MH crisis a few years ago, and just went in (they wouldn't answer the phone) shaky and crying and explained I really needed to be seen today and would wait as long as it took. I was waiting a long time but i was seen eventually and I knew I was "safe" there in the meantime if that makes sense?

Sending you positive thoughts and happy to hand hold.

I can't take any time off work because I haven't been there for long and I don't qualify for sick pay and we rely on my wages.
To be honest, if I had any time off I would probably never feel able to go back.

So every day I brush myself off, do my make up and make myself go...and it makes me feel more and more like dying.

When I got home this evening I had an appointment through from the MH team but that's 3 weeks away and, of course, I'm in a mess now.

I don't know about MIND, it's a good idea and I could try.

Don't let this idiot ruin your lovely job for you, I know that's easy to say and hard to do. But you have done brilliantly, this is just a small set back. You can do this.
You need to see a doctor in the morning to get a review and more medication. If you have to call in sick to do this, then do! Ask your husband or a friend to help get you in front of a doctor. If your GP can't see you tomorrow, call the MH emergency team. If they can't see you tomorrow, go to A-and E. I know some people will flame me for saying that because they don't understand MH issues. This IS an emergency. In fact, you should consider going to A and E tonight.

Just cross posted with you and saw you are worried about taking time off. Can you go to A and E now?

Could you afford a private GP appointment/private prescription? That's what I'd do now if I was desperate - a place near my work does private GP appointments, same day guaranteed, slots available up to 8pm. £40 for the appointment, and in your situation that would be so worth it as no unpaid time off as you should be able to get a slot to suit you.

I know what you mean on the 'putting on a face' and going to work - I did it for a few months, but realised when I went to see my folks on NYD and burst in to tears as I walked in that I couldn't keep doing it. Admittedly navigating the system of JSA, applying for Housing Benefit and all that jazz to keep a roof over my head and keep feeding my tribe is a little challenging, but in terms of how I feel, it's SO much better!

Ring the MH team if you can and as Time4 says, push for an earlier appointment, or go to A&E - a crisis situation isn't a good one to be in, and the sooner you can access support, the better. MIND, if anything like my local branch, may have a long waiting list, but may well be able to signpost to other support/groups as well. They do also have an online forum/chat site called Elefriends which may be worth a visit?

Op you sound in a tough place at the moment. You really need proper medical care. I appreciate that it's not the easiest to organise but the best person to help you right now is a doctor, or maybe a cpn if you have one.

If you're feeling suicidal you can go to A and E, call out of hours gp or the Samaritans will always listen to you.

Is your dp there with you tonight? Does he know how bad you're feeling?

DP will be back within the next hour or so, he does know how bad I'm feeling and he checks up on me regularly throughout the day. It must be a huge strain for him and really I don't know why he bothers with me.

I went to A&E once before when I was actively suicidal and it was awful, they did nothing except told me to take a double dose of Clonazepam (which has very little effect when I'm having a full PTSD episode) and sent me home at 4am. I had been taken there by ambulance, I had no way of getting home and I was 18 miles from home in a rural area, so no public transport. I won't be doing that again.

Thank you for the flowers and kind wishes.

I agree that I need proper medical care, but accessing it is a nightmare all of it's own.

I can't afford to see a private Dr, after I lost my job I spent all my savings and I'm now working in a just above entry level job.

I will look at Elefriends, thank you.

are you under a consultant?
dh rings his secretary when i m spiralling downwards and im usually slotted in.

Yes, I am under a consultant but MH services here are scant. I've been sent an appointment for 3 weeks from now.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Very best wishes to you, OP. We really hope you manage to get some help and support in real life as quickly as you deserve.

Thank you Iona