So, I've made an appointment with my GP and have admitted to myself that I'm depressed.

[PuffyEyes]

Can't get to see the GP until Tuesday though - which is just as well really because it's half term here and I don't want to take DS with me.

I'm sure he'll give me anti-depressants - I can't wait actually. I don't know how I'm going to cope until the tablets start working. I'm not suicidal but last night I really thought about it. I never ever want to feel like that again and I'm really scared.

I'm so ashamed. I phoned the samaritans last night and it didn't go very well. Felt more ashamed and lonely afterwards.

I've had depression before but not like this.

Don't be ashamed - it takes a lot of strength to ask for help.

Thank you FFDave.

I'm not ashamed that I asked for help, just ashamed of how I must have come across. I was asked to hang up after an hour and I feel dreadful about it. I was so desperate for her to keep on talking to me that I tried to argue with her to let me stay. Then she pointed out that other people needed help as well and I felt so disgusted with myself - like a greedy loser.

So, I phoned back and that made me feel worse. How low is it to try and sneek more attention out of the samaritans, FGS.

You musn't be ashamed Puffy Eyes. You are asking for help and that is a good thing. You did not try to sneek more attention you just needed someone to talk to. You can talk to us.

((HUGS))

Thank you Betty.

I've asked my DS's dad to keep him until 8pm tonight and give him his bath at his flat. That way he can put him to bed when he gets here and I won't have to face him (ex-p I mean, not DS).

When I was drinking last night I could say what I wanted to and really let my feelings out. I can't do that sober. I don't know where to start or what's important. It feels like picking at scabs all the time and one minute I'm trying to get on with things and the next I'm just wanting to go to bed and stay there. I don't mean that I never want to wake up, just that I don't want to have to get on with anything, speak to anyone, deal with anything.

I really wish I could see my GP sooner. I don't want to wait until Tuesday and then have to wait until the medication (he hopefully gives me) kicks in. I just want to feel better now.

Is it attention seeking or unnecessary to phone the surgery tomorrow and ask for an emergency appt? I could get ex-p to look after DS in the afternoon. I just don't want another night where I'm miserable and end up drinking again.

call the surgery and say you need an emergency appt. please do it. Tuesday is a long way off.

Lots and lots of empathy to you.

I am not on mn very regularly, but am very happy to talk to you when I AM. I also use msn a lot. I cant give out my msn address on here bacause it is my rl name, but if you want to give me yours I will add you to my contacts and maybe we can chat on there too?

Your thread has hit home with me today because I am feeling very low myself.

{{{{{hugs}}}}

I'm really sorry to hear that losty. Not a nice feeling is it?

I'll CAT you.

Oh Puffyeyes, i'm really feeling from you. My sister is going through exactly the same thing at the moment and it breaks my heart.

She is making progress with the right medication and she is also having counselling which is really helping her deal with some issues from the past which unbeknown to her, has caused this.

Please don't be ashamed of yourself because even the most confident, secure people can feel like this.

You've done the hard bit by admitting that you feel like this, so things can now start to get better.

Force the doctor to see you tomorrow - this is an emergency, and don't feel as though other people are more important than you, because they're not.

(((((((lots of hugs)))))))

Thank you. I'll see how I feel tomorrow about the GP, but thanks both of you for reassuring me that I'm not being selfish. It sounds back-to-front, but if I'm still feeling really rotten tomorrow then I won't call. The last thing I want to do is have a teary conversation with the receptionist, who can only offer me to sit and wait anyway (and it's usually hours), and then have to face ex-p with the swollen eyes that I've got today. Everytime I type on here or read a post it's making me want to start crying again and my eyes are really stinging.

Will I have to go into too much detail when I see the GP? I think he could probably tell just by looking at me that I'm not exagerating how I feel, but I don't want to be probed about how bad it is or why at the moment. I don't want to have to walk out of the surgery after crying again - I don't want to draw attention to myself or the way I look at the moment.

Sorry, meant to also say that I'm sorry to hear about your sister. It must be really terrible to see someone you love suffering like she is. I hope she's over the worst of it now and will soon be well again.

Thanks Puffy. She's doing ok. I talk to her a lot and she has opened up loads.

Please don't be ashamed of crying. The receptionist should be used to many different emotions (my mum is a doctors receptionist). They are there to help you.

The doc will know by looking at you my sweet.

Please please go tomorrow.

Things will get better.

I don't really mind the receptionist or GP seeing me like this, it's the other patients in the waiting room that I want to avoid. I wish I could shake off this horrible feeling. It's like I feel bad and guilty all the time even when I haven't got anything new to feel bad or guilty about.

Is your sister finding the counselling difficult? It was suggested to me during my last bout of depression that I should have some counselling but my GP wanted me to start feeling the effect of tablets first to make it easier for me to open up. I was relieved as I wasn't ready to do it, but I think the thought of being pushed into it made me pretend to myself that I was better before I was ready.

I had a couple of sessions of CBT a few years back and I just felt that I was taking up the therapists time. I just wanted to say 'I'm fine now, everything's great' because I knew I'd feel guilty if it didn't work. I hate feeling like a disappointment.

I know I sound totally self-absorbed, and I am at the moment.

You're not self absorbed at all. Your not well at the moment, and that's how you're feeling.

Sis found it a bit difficult to start with, but when she realised that it actually was helping her, she found it alot easier and now she actually likes going because more and more stuff comes out and the better she feels.

Find your sunglasses out and put them on to go to the docs (quite a cool look even if it is raining), if not, ask for a side room to wait in.

You've made the first big step, so you know you can make the next xx

puffy - got your CAT. and replied and added you to my msn. Unfortunately I have to go out in about 10 mins but hope we can chat very soon

Losty x

Hi Puffy, How are you doing today? Did you change your appointment? Thinking of you.

((HUGS))

Hi everyone, thanks for asking about me.

I am feeling a lot better today. The black cloud has lifted enough and things feel bearable. God, that sounds so dramatic!

I didn't change my appt with my GP. I should have done, I know. I have promised myself that I'm not going to drink again until I can trust myself to do it without going over the top. The come-downs are awful and I don't ever want to feel like that again.

I've got internet problems so I'm not sure when I'll be able to get back on again.

Glad you're feeling a bit better Puffy. Been thinking of you.

Thanks jhyesmum

How are you feeling puffy?

You're very sweet to ask about me - thank you

I'm feeling much, much, much better. I'm still off the booze and tonight was a victory because it's the first night I've been on my own without a drink (DS stays at his dad's every other weekend). So, I've gone 4 nights now.

I'm really surprised that I haven't fancied a drink either. On Wednesday morning I was so determined not to drink again after making such a fool of myself on Tuesday night, but I thought the determination would lessen with temptation.

I'm still going to see my GP on Tuesday. I'll be honest about how much I've been drinking and how I've been feeling. I'm still scared that I'll have a bad day and not care enough about tomorrow to stop myself from reaching for the bottle again.

I know I can't trust myself with drink. If I go to the off-licence for a quarter bottle, I look at the prices and always come away with a litre - and then I drink half of it and it's way too much for me.

Sorry that turned into a ramble. Thank you for looking in on me jhyesmum. I do appreciate it.

PuffyEyes,

I am appalled that you were told to hang up when you were talking to the Samaritans. I realise other people need help but I find that completely unacceptable.

I've been going through a similar time recently so I know how awful it can be. I spent 2 nights on the phone to a helpline similar to the Samaritans. I barely said anything. When I had counselling a few years ago a felt like you - that I was wasting their time. Now, I'm here again and have a great counsellor who is really helping me. It is hard but I have hope that it will get better. I HAVE to have hope because that is all I have... You can CAT me if you need/ want anyone else to talk to.

Let us know how you go at the GP.

Swoosh - I'm so sorry that you've had a hard time recently , but glad that you're getting some help now with regards to the counselling.

It's always nice to have someone to chat to - I'll CAT you.

Made it through last night without a drink even though I did fancy one. Looking forward to making it to a week now - haven't done that since I was pregnant.

Well done Puffy!! You're a star for keeping off the booze!

I'm sure the Doc's will be fine on Tuesday - it's best to get it over and done with. You'll feel like a weight has lifted after you've been.

What have you been up to apart from abstiening?!

Swoosh - I've tried catting you but it won't accept. I think it might be because you changed names for anonymity purposes. Please feel free to CAT me, or if I see you around as swoosh I'll CAT you quickly

Jhyesmum - thank you. I must admit that I'm proud of myself and that's not a feeling that I'm used to.

I've had a very lazy day today. Didn't get up until early afternoon , but DS was at his Dad's and it was warm in bed, so I stayed there reading - it was lovely.

DS is back to school tomorrow and I'm planning on going on a long walk every morning after dropping him off. I've been dieting since New year and have lost a stone. I've gone down a dress size but feel embarrassed of my thighs in my new size so hopefully walking will help with that, and I think it will help me feel healthier and refreshed.

Thanks so much for asking. I tend to go up and down with my moods and I feel a bit of a fraud for being upbeat at the moment, when last week I was at the lowest I've ever been. That's typical of my mood patterns over the last few years though.

Please pass on my good wishes to your sister. How is she doing?

Sorry PuffyEyes, you're probably right about CAT not working due to name change. You can email me at swooshing around @ gmail dot com (no gaps, obviously) if you like. Writing stuff down really helps me and it's quite nice to know you're not alone in this.

Your day sounds wonderful - mine was planned to be similar but it didn't end up that way. I hope you are feeling better after a bit of quiet time and a relaxing morning. You are obviously very committed to sorting this out - I am so impressed of you keeping off the booze - that is quite an achievement. And losing a stone so far this year is great. You're definitely on the right track and have lots of support on MN.

Keep us posted (and email if you like )