feeling deflated, head sick and not needed

[happyfrown]

spent xmas eve, xmas day and today in tears. should probably post this in relationships but i have borderline which doesn't help when feeling shit.
im sitting alone trying to think of ways i can help myself instead of thinking of ways out.
next doors laughter coming through the walls is killing me, i walked past the window xmas eve to collect a gift a friend was holding on to for me, and see a kitchen full of family and a table set up for xmas dinner in the morning. i nearly collapsed in the street with tears streaming knowing i could never give that to my dcs. that image of the table stuck with me all day.
i feel utterly useless, that no one would notice my absence. some might even think thank god the 'drip' has gone!
im no use to my kids, dd wanted to play with some of her new games with me. i managed a few games but later in the evening i was just a blubbering mess on the sofa and really couldn't face playing. dd ended up crying up stairs as neither her brothers wanted to play. the day was painful.
my life is a total mess and i don't know how to fix it. no amount of drugs or therapy will repair the damage caused by myself and family.

What happened to bring you to this point? Relationship or family break up?

You sound very low.How long has this been going on for?Has something happened recently to trigger these feelings?

never had close family, never surrounded by loved ones at xmas, birthdays etc. i find it hard to deal with, especially as i cant make my dcs xmas any better. when my dd said 'its just like a normal day' yesterday it broke me. they see these adverts with family gathered round a table pulling crackers.... tree surrounded by presents....
then they wake up to mum choking back tears all day. pizza for xmas dinner and sitting alone.
ive suffered bpd for as long as i can remember moods are unpredictable and can last days or hours. i just want to disappear, im scared i will go into meltdown and need help. cant see how to fix this.

Ahh I wondered if the whole perfect Xmas may have contributed to you feeling this way.How old are your children? What help are you getting from your GP?

i don't want to be here when the kids get back.

i don't want to wake up and do all this again tomorrow. but i have no choice. every day i spend with the kids i feel im damaging them but i know leaving them will cause so much distress to them.

im suppose to be having therapy but haven't heard from them since oct. ive had cbt, counselling and many anti d's. i was discharge from the health care over a year ago after i had a year of suppose cbt but it did nothing and i kept telling them but they just say its me?
i fought to see some one else and almost a year ive seen her 3 times!

Why did you do pizza for lunch? and why can you nit give the children a family xhristmas with you all around the table? They are your family. You do have family who love you, your children.

Can you ask their father to keep them longer and go to see your gp tomorrow so you dont damage them? You cant carry on like this. Make your gp listen.

Where are they now? Is there any chance that they can stay there overnight?

Oh yes the constant battle to get the proper treatment no wonder you're at rock bloody bottom! Do you have no for MH team?Someone should be on call over the holiday period.

Do your children know that you're ill?

the kids said they don't want xmas dinner. to be honest they never eat it and i cook for it to go in the bin every year. they spent the day (well every day) telling each other to go away and spend time i their room. i try my best but my head cant take it. im not strong enough.

my ds's dad cant have them over night as he stays with a friend doesn't have his own place
and its only been 2 months since me and dd's dad split. he is with his mum and dd has never had a night away from me.

yes i have explained to them. youngst one doesn't understand really. middle ds wants to go live with his dad and oldest ds is fine as long as there is wi fi!

sorry i keep cross posting.

Lol @ wifi!
You have alot on your plate,what if anything can put a smile on or at least distract you?
Can you ask the older children to give you a hand with things?

when i was crying with self pity on the sofa and dd and ds2 were arguing over playing a board game. eldest did intervene told them to go into their rooms. but hour later himself was telling dd to clear off when bugging him to play a game.
i felt so useless, ds2 is hard work and asking him to tidy his room is enough for him to huff in my face like ive asked him to clear the whole house.
i hate mess, i turn into the hulk! then im crying over spilt orange juice. then feeling guilty im such a miserable mum.

nothing can distract me to be honest. i find parenting so hard, i know every day will be the same struggle. i hate that they have no affection from me.

Sounds exhausting,I can remember struggling with three young children when I first became ill.It was after my divorce & another life changing event.
As I've mentioned on other MH threads when Mum is ill,stressed & obviously not coping children will pick up on it & push your buttons further.
My GP said that to me & she was right.
Do you want us to help you to break things down into easy but tiny ways to get through til you get the medical care that you need?

that's very kind, thankyou
im not sure im going to get any help from the health care, i will call them to chase up where i go from here, but im not holding my breathe some thing will get done.
i worry i would have given up on parenting before i get help i need.

Oh, I do feel for you. I have been through exactly what you are going through and, now my children are older and have done xmas this year, it's been an ordeal. Everybody talking at the same time scrambled my head. I feel so guilty about being miserable, but I can't help it.
It's all very well people pointing out your failures as a parent and commenting on how you should make the effort for the kids, but if you haven't got it in you it's impossible to fake. You are ill, please be kind to yourself

You can get help,you just have to muster up the strength to do it & make that call to the GP 1st thing on Weds if they're not open tomorrow & insist on an appointment that day it's an emergency end of!
Right what needs doing @ home?Do you have enough food in?If so keep it nice & simple.Dcs can stay in pjs if needs be & so can you.
Try & do as little as you can get away with,no shame in it at all.It is all about priorities & being kind to yourself which you need to recognise as being Mum & responsible for best looking after your children.

mydog sorry to hear about your situation
It is a horrible illness to deal with,like you mine are older(teens now)
How did you manage when yours were younger?

mydogmymate i feel like a idiot because im crying over feeling alone yet i too cant handle rooms full of people well. especially when im feeling low. i suffer with anxiety and social anxiety - im not sure if it would be different if it were family?
fallenempires i have shopping coming in the morning, i done all the house work this morning. and been in my pj's for 3 days! the two eldest are 12 & 15, its mainly youngest i got to keep eye on. she's a hurricane! messing every room in the house, spilling drinks daily, eating me out of home, wants to play dolls 24/7 and talks for the world!! typical child really but my head is hurting with thoughts and as much as it is my duty to be there for them i just feel like shutting myself away. she gets upset - i get upset feeling guilty,that i let her down, cry... goes round in circles.

Yes know that one I have a daughter too & a middle child to boot!
You sound pretty sorted there house wise for the time being,so it's now down to giving you a lift.
What are the boys doing around the house? Do they give Mum any help with housework,putting bins out or cooking?
They are both old enough to chip in & help out & I think that it would take the weight off.I have only one lad at home now & he is a he helps me alot & is great when I'm having a down day & not feeling up to much.

i have to ask ds 2 over and over to pick up washing, make bed, brush teeth etc over and over! i walk away to do other jobs to come back to see he only done one of the maybe 3 things. all in the same room. (his room) then i get the stroppy 'i'll huff and throw things into place' attitude when i decide to stand there and watch when i repeat myself. i daily remove mine and others broken property from his room. yesterday he managed to bust his sisters lamp. last week his brothers xbox controller... asking him to help with the house is pointless.
they all do there own lunch and wash up after, ds2 often needs to do it again. i do dd's washing up for now until she grows abit taller to reach sink properly and wash instead of play boats with cups!
to be honest house work doesn't bother me, the kids bedrooms are their responsibility so its only the other rooms to take care of. my problem is my head wont stop whirling with thoughts. im not a huggy affectionate mum, i worry im hurting the kids that they don't understand how i struggle to show emotions?

actually you know some days i resent having to pick up after kids, spend time cooking only for it to be binned, wash clothes to be dumped on the floor. so maybe it does bother me more than i think.
yes that's parenting, that's what i signed up for. but im not coping well and you dont know that until its too late i suppose.

Can relate to the broken stuff of others as my DD does that & yes it helps to say their room their mess,I just close doors tbh!
It's difficult to express emotion when the illness sucks it out of you.Don't answer if you don't want to but did you find your own mum/dad emotionally unavailable?

X post.Yes to both of those.But I have a 1 meal only policy.Cereal,toast or a sandwich otherwise & I don't make them either!