They want to admit me

[CrazyCatMum]

On the Christmas Eve for 4 days.
They say it will only be that but I don't trust them not to make me stay longer.

I've had the crisis team on and off for months but I'm just getting worse.
They are worried that if I'm left on my own over Christmas I will hurt myself.

But I can't go in, I have no one to watch my cat, if my ex finds out he won't let my son come home.

If I go in everything will be taken out of my hands, they will be in control.
4 days admission isn't going to change anything, just cause me more stress but I'm scared if I don't agree they will make the decision for me or thy will just walk away saying I must be ok.

If my son wasn't going away to his dads I know they wouldn't have mentioned hospital but I would still be feeling the same whether he is here or I am on my own.

It also feels a little too late, I've felt like this for months and now they throw this at me knowing how I feel about hospital ☹️

How's it going. Hope you are ok.

I just wanted to say thank you for the support you gave me before admission.
I guess it went ok, I slept for the 4 days, I still had nightmares but it was a relief for someone else to hear them and that it wasn't all in my head.

My son and his girlfriend came to see me on Christmas Day morning but I really don't remember much about it and feel really bad that they made the effort to come see me and I was out of it.
I scared my other 2 kids on Christmas Day because I was so out of it I couldn't even answer my phone to them, I did speak to them nearer bedtime, had to tell them that one of my meds had been changed and it had knocked me out, hate lying but if they knew I was in hospital then all hell would have broke lose and I didn't have the energy to deal with that.

I do regret going in because I know if I hadn't then I wouldn't be hear now, I feel sad that I am inflicting myself of everyone.

Crisis team are still involved and will be for quite some time.

I still don't want to be here but now my youngest is back I wouldn't do anything that would mean he found me, so I guess for the movement I'm safe 😥

I was out today and there was lots of families all looking happy and realaxed(I know looks can be deceiving) but it just made me sad that I never had that and I don't think my kids ever did either😟

I just have nothing left to give

When does it stop?
Going into hospital last week was supposed to help, not make it go away but to help but all it seems to have done is made things worse.
My friend says I'm a crap mum for upsetting my kids on Christmas Day, there was no need for me to be admitted, no need for for me to be medicated, she's right, only thing she forgot is that there's no need for me to be here.

I told the crisis team this morning that I was really struggling, that I thought I was wasting everyone's time, even though they tried to reassure me I struggle to believe them.

I just need it to stop, all of it, just stop 😢

Awww. Your 'friend' said that to you? That is no friend. What an awful thing to say. You know you did the right thing, it got you through Christmas..
you're not wasting anyone's time. You're a valuable person. Accept help and work through it

I don't feel it. Feel like I'm a failure.
I messed up, shouldn't have been honest with cpn just feel flat😔

Your so called friend is a twat. You're in a difficult position OP. You sound like a wonderful person, don't ever give up. Keep fighting this and do anything and everything it takes.

Sending love and hugs

Agree with ^ that's not a friend
I have a cat too, missed her so much when I was admitted.

Happy New Year CrazyCatMum

I hope things will change for you very soon. Do be gentle with yourself, you're unwell not unworthy. Feeling like a "failure" or "timewaster" are symptoms of your illness, they aren't facts about you.

My friend says I'm a crap mum for upsetting my kids on Christmas Day

"Friend"?? Sounds like one to stay away from, you don't need people like that in your life! They're a crap friend, for needlessly upsetting you and criticising your essential medical treatment.

You are doing so well, with a very difficult situation. Keep going, and keep talking on here.

Hope your ok crazycat, I thought I was going to have to be admitted a few days ago, I had to get help from the crisis team and Samaritans, reached rock bottom and for a couple days I was suicidal and could see no way out , my ex husband did help and take the dd's for me but some of his words were unhelpful, he told me I was at risk from losing my kids and to pull myself together ( if only it was that easy ). I am taking each day as it comes, I'm waiting for a appointment with mental health to sort out my medication and therapy and I am seeing my GP on Thursday. My mood is up and down, I have been sleeping on the sofa with the cat every night, my animals are really important to me and they are good therapy.

I can't help but wonder if she is right, my family right
I've messed my kids up, I always said if I had children I would give them a better life than mine was, I know I don't abuse them like what was done to me but being ill for all of their lives has just messed everything up. It would be better for them if I wasn't here.

It's supposed to be a new year, new start, but it feels like I've brought all the baggage from previous years with me.
I have this knot in my stomach that won't go away, just keeps getting bigger and bigger, I feel sick and panicked I can't seem to get a grip, I can't even get that right😢

She's talking complete bollocks!
You don't mess kids up by being ill and seeking treatment. You are showing them the strength they need to see.
You can and will get a grip but you need help.

lovemusic sorry to hear things have been hard for you, my ex was and still is like yours with his words, if he would only stop with his threats and leaving me scared that I will lose my son i could get help without being scared, it wouldn't be as difficult but he doesn't see that or the effect is has on my son.

My cat is the only thing that seems to make me feel safe but I worry about him dying, or getting out or someone hurting him. It's like I have transferred my worries from my kids to my cat if that's possible.

I'm just exhausted from everything.

An hour sitting crying in with my cpn this morning trying to put words together to explain what's in my head and I got it wrong.

I don't know how to do this anymore, collecting my prescription disappointed in myself that I can't swallow them all and make everyone's life better am just a pathetic waste of space.
I can hear it in their voices that they are getting fed up of me, can't really blame them 😢

I'm still here crazycat, sometimes it's hard to explain to people what's going on in our heads, sometimes we don't know what's going on in our heads ( usually because there's so much going on at once ). Don't get disappointed in yourself for taking med's, you are taking them because you are brave enough to admit your ill and because you want to get better. You are not a pathetic waste of space, you are someone's mum, someone's daughter, and the owner of a very important cat .

Today is just a shit day, I know it doesn't feel like it but things can get better. I understand why you think people are getting fed up, I hear that too, my step dad keeps calling and asking if I'm happier yet? It's driving me nuts. People struggle to know how to react when someone they love is feeling so low, at the moment I can't blame people for not wanting to be around me , I think I have excepted that I need to fix myself as others are making things worse. I find talking to strangers much easier than talking to my family.

Keep talking on here xxx

What's the point?
I swear if one more person tells me that I need to think of my kids or that feeling like I do makes me a selfish person, that it's easy enough to fix myself after all plenty of other people have.
I always seem to be trying to please people but getting so wrong.
I'm tying myself in knots about what's in my head I can't make sense of it and what small bit I can scares me.
I just need it to stop, all of it it's too much 😭

People tell you to think of your kids because they hope it will help that tiny self preservation bit of you that has kept you going so far.They don't understand any of it so just do their best, including the crisis team much of the time. After all what can they do except help you hold on each minute until the pain lessens.
Much of the time I feel like you do and often wonder why I keep going. One thing that worked for a bit was a consultant telling me that if I end things my dc are 10 times more likely to do the same at some point.
Can you talk to the crisis team to help for now?
And you did the right thing being admitted, as you know. Your 'friend' is an idiot who has no clue. Sometimes I wish I had something 'simple' like cancer - no one would say the same things or be so judgemental then.
Hope you get some help tonight

Really struggling tonight, know I have to phone the crisis team but I don't have the energy to.
I'm so tired but I can't sleep, slept for an hour last night but woke up screaming again with nightmares so spent the rest of the night in the shower scrubbing myself clean.
Now to scared to sleep again.
Why I Tv even more rubbish through the night?
You'd think that as its rubbish it would send me to sleep but it doesn't.

Just all feels like a confusing mess 😢

Please call the crisis team, you are doing well reaching out for help on here, let them help you too. X
No sleep will make everything confusing, just focus on calling the team and taking it from there. Big hugs

Can you write stuff down to make sense of it later or to just get it out there?
Can you listen to music or a radio and just rest?
I hope your crisis team can be of help and that you can manage the call to them.
I hope that knowing right now that someone who has never met you and never will is thinking of you and is thinking how strong you must be to live with this pain every day and keep on living is of some teeny tiny help.

Xx

crazycatmum your 'friend' is being a shithead and to be honest, should just fuck right off. She obviously doesn't have a clue. They don't just admit people to hospital for nothing- beds are hard to come by. You were there because you NEEDED to be there, and you made the right choice by going in. Your kids would have been far more upset if you had seriously harmed yourself/not been here at all. You are acutely unwell and in need of support- that is why you've had the crisis team for so long and that is why you were in hospital. Your friend is not a Dr and does not know the ins and outs of your case and is therefore unqualified to comment on whether you should be on medication or not I agree people just don't get what it does to you when they say 'think of your kids' because of course you think of your kids…all it does it makes you feel even worse on top of already feeling like shit or in my case made all sorts of crazy ideas buzz around as well.

I was in hospital last Christmas Day and didn't see my kids. No-one ever said that I was a shit mum because of that (I felt it of course). You did completely the right thing being honest with the CPN- that is making positive steps to get better. If you are hiding things it is like giving in- you're not you are being strong and putting up a fight. Just keep going you can do it

I'm really tired of talking, tired of trying to explain wheatsin my head but if I don't talk no one can help.
I worry about the words I use, who will hear them, will I make things much worse.
The horrible panicky feeling that is slowly slipping through my veins/blood/body
The past 2 nights I have been checking everything because I can smell smoke so I check all the plugs, the cooker but I can't find anything, then I hear a noise and it sounds like someone trying to kick my front door in, I used to ask my son to check this but what kind of a mum does that make me that I sent my son into a potentially dangerous thing.
Then I'm worried my son will be dead or that my cat with die.

Last night with the wind I was out checking that the garden hut was ok, that it won't blow away, that my house was safe which meant my cat and son would be safe.
At 2,3,4,5,6 in the morning going outside in the dark isn't safe but I have to check.
My anxiety over the past few days has got so bad I don't feel in control, feel like I'm gonna make a mistake and someone will suffer for it

Not sure any of this makes sense, nothing I say makes sense

Hi OP, I'm sorry I don't have wise words for you but I just wanted to say I heard what you wrote about being abused and the awful pain inflicted on you as a child. You did nothing to deserve that, and you were so deeply wronged by that. I am praying for you and sending you a hug x

Phoned the ooh's Cpn's like they said and it didn't work out, I'm so stupid I can't talk to males, they told me to phone back in an hour but I was in a really bad place but couldn't tell them.
I guess luckily the cat was sick and I had to clean that up and then the crisis team had phoned but I'm shutting down, can't trust them, feels wrong and pointless saying out loud.
Can hear the voice telling me to shut up, don't trust, I don't know if the voice is real or if I'm going mad.
Can I hide from it all?
Can I pretend that none of it happened and I'm not this dirty disgusting whore like they said I was?
Does it ever go away?
😭 😭 😭 😭