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Original poster

Struggling. Bipolar

27 replies

PeteSwotatoes · 07/12/2016 12:47

Am in that lovely mental space where I can't decide if I'm stressed by real events, or if I've stumbled into a bipolar episode.

My grandad had a stroke the other week, my dad had pneumonia and my brother's girlfriend was signed off with depression. That trifecta made me edgy/anxious but I was OK.

I am in a new city, studying medicine, but it's going OK and I got 80% on my first exam.

I've been having nightmares that I can't remember the next day, but I have been trying to scream in my sleep. I know this because I wake up hoarse. The only sound that comes out is a kind of whine.

Most days I can't be bothered to shower or get up. I have missed 3 weeks of uni.

Everything seems like effort.

I drank a whole bottle of wine the other night (I don't normally drink) to see if it changed my mood.

I notice when I walk around I stare at the floor now and not the sky.

I thought a guy had a crush on me but now I'm not sure and I feel fundamentally ugly/fat/unloveable.

I have had thoughts of using my dissection kit to cut myself. And occasional thoughts that I'd be better off dead.

It is happening again isn't it?

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AnxiousCarer · 07/12/2016 19:47

Hugs to you, it does sound like you've hit a low patch. Time to speak to your GP/CPN/psychiatrist. You've got through this before and you will get through it again, just get your support networks on board and let uni know what is going on too so they can support you too.

UnbornMortificado · 07/12/2016 19:48

It's GP time but I think you already know that Flowers

Original poster
PeteSwotatoes · 07/12/2016 20:13

I'm really resisting going. I've tried to pretend nothing is happening for a month or so. Telling everyone everything is great, fine, amazing. I was starting to feel less good but I could deny it. I don't want to feel sick. I want to be fixed.

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UnbornMortificado · 07/12/2016 21:43

I've been off for a few weeks and I don't have any studying to do or family problems to cope with.

I'm going to the GP tomorrow albeit reluctantly.

HuckleberryGin · 07/12/2016 21:46

Don't put off going. The longer you leave it potentially the worse it will be and the harder and longer to fix. I always make physical health analogies for my bipolar. So if you had a cut that 'might' be infected and you left it, and left it- it wouldn't make it less infected. It it would be harder to heal by the time it was seen. If you went straight away then it might only need a little bit of treatment to get better.

Take care xx

Original poster
PeteSwotatoes · 07/12/2016 23:05

I cut my leg earlier :(

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Original poster
PeteSwotatoes · 07/12/2016 23:06

I'm 27 and I'm behaving like an angsty teenager. This is pathetic.

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Original poster
PeteSwotatoes · 07/12/2016 23:06

I'll go to the doctors tomorrow

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Mysterycat23 · 07/12/2016 23:09

Not pathetic. A completely understandable response to how you are feeling. Please reach out as pp's have suggested, don't let this go any further. You've got through episodes before and you will get through this one too.

GettingThereSlowly01 · 07/12/2016 23:13

I completely know what you mean about procrastinating, thinking that things could well be fine and that just because you have bipolar it doesn't mean that this is another episode... but I think that time has passed. It's not pathetic, you're unwell and you need to see someone soon. Please make an urgent appointment with your GP tomorrow. Good luck 🍀🍀🍀

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 08/12/2016 06:35

Peter,
Know the feeling. In my experience When I go off the rails it begins very slowly. Indeed there is nothing apparant to show I am begining to loose it. It's just thqt my behaviour statts to get more and more exagerated. Little things become more intense than they deserve. I over react and become very insistent. I had a lpng episode mid summer. It is only now thqt .i am back on meds I can see what I was doing wrong. It cost me a developing political career in local government.,

This is also mid winter and that is depressing. You may have a simple case of SAD? Do you feel better in strong sunlight?, Does your mood darken on an overcast day?

Please see your GP and get some medical help.Flowers

Can you really swat your toes ?

Original poster
PeteSwotatoes · 08/12/2016 11:55

Thanks everyone. I tried to get past the receptionists on the phone but I didn't have enough fight in me. The told me to ring tomorrow. I sent my GP a message online asking if they could maybe ring me.

It could be SAD.

I live in student accommodation and the workman came to visit me. I was so embarrassed. My flat is usually pristine but I've got dishes lined up dirty everywhere and clothes on the floor and blood on my bed from the cuts last night.

I feel so ashamed

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UnbornMortificado · 08/12/2016 13:01

Pete that's hardly hovel like.

I have a toddler I can't remember the last time I was up to date on housework.

You should of told them it was an emergency. Not that I can talk I haven't been either. Couldn't face ringing although I've rung the dentist and opticians for DD.

Does your GP offer emergency appointments after 5? Might be worth trying if your hurting yourself.

Original poster
PeteSwotatoes · 08/12/2016 13:15

Thanks Unborn. I know it's hypocritical for me to say so, but I hope you can ring and have time to take care of yourself. It's that thing about putting your own oxygen mask on first. Though it is great you're so devoted to your LO.

I might try, but I'm quite a shy person and the idea of explaining to the receptionist what's going on makes me cringe. I'd feel like such a drama queen. I'm hoping that the GP sees the message.

I feel calmer today, I think maybe because I've admitted that there's a problem and have got past denial.

Even the workman asked if I was depressed when he came round. He mentioned the weather.

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EmeraldIsle100 · 08/12/2016 13:52

You poor thing, you are not behaving like a teenager and you are not a drama queen, you are just not well at the moment. My DD has bipolar and she struggles with the same issues as you. I hope you get to see your doctor soon.

Try your best to make the phone call. You can do it.

Is your leg ok? Do you need to go to A&E to get it seen to? If you do just go so that it can be seen to and in the long run that will save you from being scarred.

My DD self harms and when its ok to do so she puts sudocrem on it which helps the healing.

I really feel for you, you are going through a very difficult time. You have got better before and you will get better this time.

Try to reach out to any family or friends if at all possible.

There is a good online support on a website called Harmless and you can contact them for advice and support.
www.harmless.org.uk/

Another good website is Mind which provides advice . There are blogs by people who are going through exactly the same as you www.mind.org.uk
Flowers Flowers Flowers

EmeraldIsle100 · 08/12/2016 13:58

You can ring MIND on 0300 123 3393 and speak to someone who can help you.

You can also text MIND on 86463.

I will be thinking about you and wishing you well x

Original poster
PeteSwotatoes · 08/12/2016 14:24

Thank you Emerald, I was very touched by your post. I got a call from a receptionist and she asked how bad I was, so I said I hadn't self harmed in three years but had done it last night. She has put me down as an emergency. She asked why I didn't tell the receptionist before, and I said it wasn't her fault I just couldn't get the words out.

They seem nice, it's just this isn't my old gp and psychiatrist so it makes me nervous. Before I got diagnosed with bipolar I had an awful psychiatrist who thought I was bpd and thought I was feigning an episode to get out of handing in a university assignment. He has since been struck off for malpractice but seeing new doctors makes me a bit nervous.

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Original poster
PeteSwotatoes · 08/12/2016 14:25

BTW my leg is OK, it's superficial, and I've so many scars already all over my body that I'm not too bothered about scars :(

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EmeraldIsle100 · 08/12/2016 14:39

I am very pleased to hear that you have got an emergency appointment. My DD feels the same about talking about her illness, she finds it very hard to communicate how she feels. This was a very real stumbling block when she was first admitted to hospital.

As time went on she got used to it and her communication improved so much. I remember thinking how tough it must be to have to try to explain what is going on in your head when you can't even make sense of it.

Most people are diagnosed with a blood test or a scan but with mental health the onus is on a really sick person.

It might be an idea to write everything down before your appointment so that you don't forget to tell the doctor. Are you eating, sleeping, having intrusive thoughts, suicidal feelings and any other physical symptoms. That way you can hand the doctor the list so nothing gets missed.

I am glad your leg is ok. Let me know how you get on at your appointment.

UnbornMortificado · 08/12/2016 15:54

I'm definitely going tomorrow. I'm pleased your going in.

Agree people don't think twice about going for a physical injury or illness.

Hope the appointment goes well Flowers

Original poster
PeteSwotatoes · 08/12/2016 16:10

I'm on my way back now. The appointment was quite funny in a dark humour way. It was a lady I've not met before. Her phone rang and she apologised and answered it and got into an argument with a taxi driver! He was meant to be picking up her nanny and child but was at the wrong car park.

Anyway I said no problem and offered to wait outside til she sorted it. When I came back in I sort of comforted her about how stressful it was and then we went back to discussing my suicidal thoughts!

Very weird...

Anyway I have had my citalopram put up, which was expected. Thanks for being so great, I don't think I would have gone in without your support.

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EmeraldIsle100 · 08/12/2016 16:47

well done, you did really well. Keep an eye on things because this can be a tricky time of the year. All that jolity and cold dark days can have a bad effect on mental health.

The appointment sounds a bit surreal!!

Don't forget you can chat to someone at Mind.

Take care and best wishes x

EmeraldIsle100 · 08/12/2016 16:50

My DD just mentioned to me that anytime she overdosed or felt suicidal seemed to coincide with her period. She just got prescription for the piĺ so we will see how it goes.

Original poster
PeteSwotatoes · 08/12/2016 17:00

I take the pill but my pill free weeks are usually dodgy in terms of mood so that's a good observation. My bipolar hit at puberty so there is a hormonal link in mine and my mum's eyes. You sound a bit like my mum, I phoned her today. She's ever so good but I don't like to worry her so I usually only call once I've made a plan as to how to manage things, else she gets a bit flappy (understandably).

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EmeraldIsle100 · 08/12/2016 20:03

Aww that's sweet of you to say, I hope your are not my DD upstairs in her room on MN. I am joking by the way!!

Don't ever not phone your mum. I am in my late 40's and I still get stick from my 81 year old mum for not phoning enough.

Joking aside, do ring your mum when you are not well, she loves you and wouldn't want you to struggle alone. I felt maternal towards you when I thought of you alone in halls frightened and clearly not feeling well.

You did very well today to keep yourself well. I hope things keep improving for you.