I want to die

[HadEnoughGameOver]

I'm fat. Ugly. Worthless.

I shout at my kids.

I have no friends.

I left my DH for someone who has now left me. Got to love Karma

I'm alone. I'm a crap mum. I have anxiety and depression. Been on meds a decade. Anxiety is getting worse

Noone wants to fucking help me. Just fill me with pills

I'm sad and angry and I spend my days sleeping and wanting to die.

I don't clean my house. My Ex comes and does it. I barely wash

I just want to fucking die and go to sleep so this bullshit is over

I can't bare doing this another week. Never mind 40 years

Kids fight, it's as certain as the sun rising. Not your fault.

Op Samaritans 116 123

Please call them, they are great if you want to vent.

I've come to bed. At 7pm. Locked up because I can't face downstairs

DS had a big snowman full of lentils. It burst. There are ornaments and lentils and shoes and washing all over

I pictured myself tonight sat in a cosy room with a tree and its a disaster down there.

Why can't I cope with the most basic of thibgs?

You sound very low, it's hard being a single Mum, especially this time of year. Are you on medication for depression?

What's triggered this?

Just one more point - no one is ever 'happy'.
Everyone wants more, some people flop down and give into the shitness, other people wade through the shit, constantly trying to reach 'happiness'.
When you're down, it's hard to get the energy to get up and stride thru the shit. That's when you need a break.
When you're on the mend (and you will get to that point, I believe in you) you start the shit stomping once more and cling onto the little joys that come your way every now and then.
I know it's cliche but life is what you make it and I know you can make yours better, you just need a break from the shit.

And I smell :( I smell like BO.

I washed my armpits this morning but I put on dirty clothes because I don't have the energy to wash my clothes (kids get washed twice a week then at their dads weekend)

I'm a wreck. I see myself in a shop window and I look like an old bag lady. I'm 31 ffs

Call somebody

I've been on medication 8 years now.

What's triggered it? I always feel like this

But the breakdown? The realisation that Christmas is going to be alone.and trying to make a good first day of the season and it all going to shit. I fail at everything.

Feel for u

How old are your kids

Sorry just reread your first post, you've been on meds for years, obviously they're not helping you. When did you last see your Dr?
You sound like you're in a bad way and need someone to look after you. I do think you should give the Samaritans a try as they should be able to help. We all want to support you, but wouldn't want to say anything inadvertently that could makes you feel even worse x

out of curiosity, can I ask what medication are you on OP?

I get the impression op would rather talk on here to Samaritans. It's good people have linked to them, but personally I prefer posting on MN as you get varied responses and that's sometimes what you need.

Please don't feel too bad op. Children fight, things get wrecked. I know that's not the issue. But it's a new year almost. New start

You did the Christmas tree, ok it went wrong but you're trying.
Tomorrow can you do something nice for you? Put the clothes in the washer tonight and get them on the radiator for tomorrow.

I was on see tramline. The citalopram. Then see tramline again. They wanted me to go on venlafaxine but a relative is on it and wishes they never started so I'm back on 40mg citalopram a day and 3 to 4 proprananol daily

I have a nativity in the morning. I don't know what I will wear
I don't want to go. Usually ex would go but he is away for a few days. I can't let little one down though

Please call the doctor

See tramline? Sertraline **

I will go see the drain Monday when ex is home. He will come with me.

I want to die

But I'm not going to do anything right now. It's just always there. The thought.

I'm listening too. My world is crashing down around me at the moment so I get how you feel.

See the doctor.

I'm sorry. Don't know what is wrong with my phone

When I felt similarly to you (and I did for years) something had to give. I didn't feel sad or angry or suicidal, I felt numb and like a zombie (looked like one too and still do to be fair ) I saved £20 per week until I reached £200. It was 10 long weeks but because I had a goal I got through. I then put the older two with their dad and stayed in a hotel in the Peak District for two nights.
I'm not a particularly spiritual person but I breathed in the air and sat on a bench on the top of a big ass hill for hours.
On the drive home I finally heard music clearly for the first time in YEARS. I also made a plan of how I was going to change this shit landslide that I had created. I was a single mum and nothing was going to change unless I changed it.
Easy for me to say all these things now but I understand and I'm here

Don't worry about what you're going to wear, it doesn't matter. Being at the nativity matters. How do you feel about going to the doctors tomorrow and either telling them what you've told us or showing them your posts in this thread? If you can get an emergency appointment tomorrow, take it. The way you feel qualifies as an emergency. In the meantime, talk to us and Samaritans are there too. You can call or text them. You deserve all the support you can get.

Op if things change and you start feeling worse, make sure you see your doctor sooner than Monday. It might be thaf with tweaks to your medication you can start feeling better than you do right now.