...to feel like running away or topping myself...

[ShitAtEverything]

...don't worry I'm not going to, because I know it would break DDs heart, but I've fucked both our lives up and although there is a light at the end of the tunnel its a long way in the distance and I don't know how I'm going to make it that far.

Left EA exH in July, moved in with parents. It's just a nightmare. My mum is elderly, totally dogmatic, controlling and hypercritical. Every day there are digs and moans and being made to feel unwelcome. Having hated H with a passion she now takes his side and keeps telling me that she can see why I wound him up so much, and if I had been better with money we wouldn't be in this situation and I should have stayed until I could afford to rent (SE would've taken a year probably, I was scared of him and DD was having counselling).

I'm not the tidiest, most hyper efficient person but I'm doing my best. DD and I are out of the house most of the week, so we're not really getting in the way. Bedrooms aside they've made very few changes in their living arrangements to accommodate us (although admittedly that's a big one).

I just feel like everyone thinks I'm useless, lazy and a huge burden. As mum keeps pointing out, if she and H both find the same things wind them up it must be me.

Another blinding row this morning when I suggested we try and find a place in a refuge or that DD tries living with her dad (he was mostly ok with her, it was witnessing his behaviour to me that caused her distress) and I live out of the car or on friends sofas for the next 6 months. There's a 3-4 year wait for council accommodation, so that's pretty pointless to consider.

DD hears everything that goes on because the house is open plan and mum is deaf so impossible to have a quiet conversation. She's 12 - I shouldn't have put her in this position, and to make it worse I've just (accidentally) done something that H used to do when he was playing up which I hate myself for.

Don't even know why I'm posting. I suppose I'm just hoping someone can suggest some way of making this bearable or tell me I'm not the worst human being/mother on the planet just because I don't behave as other people want/expect me to 100% of the time, but perhaps that's the way its meant to be.

I wasn't jumping on your back cucumber. I was giving my opinion.

Shitat - would ignoring all their crap comments and calmly walking away help? Go for a walk maybe to create some distance and breathing space

I just wanted to add that I agree with a PP who said that your mum is toxic and totally paved the way for you to end up in an abusive relationship. This truly isn't your fault, OP. As others have said, please call Women's Aid and get out of there

Everything,

First, I think it is unlikely you are shit at eveything.. You say dd is happy at school. That is a reflection on you..

More important, It is very difficult if you are one of the unlucky ones and you come to realise that your parents are actually not very pleasant people. You are coming to tems with changing your relationship with the one person who you have known all your life and looked to for support. It leavs a big void where cuddles used to be. And you are leaving an EA hubby. It would be something of a mirqcle if you went through that without any effects.

It is good you are calming down from your mood of Friday.Please keep posting. People here will support you not judge you as your mother seems to do.

Feeling slightly less dramatically shit than I was although yesterday was pretty awful - she actually said that STBXH wasn't really bad/abusive as the worst he did was only to indirectly threaten violence, not to actually do it.

I had to walk away at that point and was almost physically sick. Thankfully DD was out, although my poor Dad got caught in the cross fire. He's really too frail to stand up to her but I know he'd like to which means a lot.

Had 3 snarky comments and tears in the space of 30 minutes before we left the house this morning, and she was on my case within literally 60 seconds of me walking in the door this evening. I am trying very hard not to rise to it,but she's clearly got the hump, probably because I'm not reacting. Grrrr!

It's tough OP but I can't understand why you can't privately rent for the time being. I know rents are ridiculously high (think you're in the SE?) and you'll need a month's rent in advance and the same amount for a deposit. If you claim to be homeless the council have schemes where they can loan the deposit and rent up front and you pay back later. As for the rent, you would surely be able to claim Housing Allowance/Benefit. I think you are employed but not sure how much you earn, so maybe could pay some of the start up costs yourself. The other thing is the ex paying maintenance for his daughter - if not he should be. Are you sure you are claiming all you are entitled to Child Tax Credit/Working Tax Credit. And if all else fails then a refuge would surely be better than with your parents.

What age are they - and what health problems do they have? You might be able to help them get into ground floored sheltered accommodation. Could your mom be showing the first signs of dementia or has she always been this way. Sorry I know you said early ex was "being very good" about the house sale and maybe giving you your share of the equity, though can't imagine why the house was just in his name. Have you sought legal advice about the property because I think you may be entitled to half of the equity even if the house is not in joint names. And why is it going to take 6 to 9 months. Sorry I know I'm throwing a lot of stuff at you but there has to be a better way, not only for you and DD but for you parents too as your being there seems to be making your mother behave in an extraordinary awful way.

I can't understand why you can't privately rent for the time being

No savings, several £k of debt & I suspect a less than brilliant credit rating (tbh I don't dare look) are a bit of a stumbling block!

Having said that I filled in the forms weeks ago, but getting there isn't easy because of work (full time). In our area you have to physically turn up with all your completed paperwork for them to consider putting you on the register. You can't speak to an advisor unless they think your situation warrants it and then it's a 4-6 week wait for an appointment. Seems a bit pointless as by the time we're offered help, my circumstances may have changed and then I won't qualify anymore.

I am claiming everything I can at the moment. Debt is the issues really - partly borne of STEX not being terribly forthcoming when we were together in that dept, but also, if I'm honest due to me 'treating' my unhappiness over the last few years with retail therapy. And yes, I'm aware that if I hadn't I might not have been in quite such a pickle, but in my defence I was trying to stick it out and cope in any way I could. It was only when things got so much worse in the 8-10 months before we left that I knew it really was over and by then in was too late to make any meaningful impact on the problem.

The family home is protected and I will get my share, but as I'm sure you must realise this won't happen overnight. The best way to protect my interest is with a Consent or Financial order. These can't be filed with the court until a certain point in the divorce process, probably 8-12 weeks down the line. Only at that point is it really 'safe' to put the house on the market, and on average I guess allowing 12 weeks to it to sell, exchange and complete is probably realistic.

As for my parents - they are well able to afford to move to somewhere more suitable once we're off their hands. Finances aren't an issue for them, just the fact that we're here.

Wrt to mum having dementia...she certainly has some funny ideas and no filters but on the whole is sharp as a tack. She's always been inclined to make comparisons and find Dad and I lacking ('A's husband works full time and cooks the dinner ever night'; 'B's mum never has to nag her to do homework or tidy her room' - that kind of thing). The controlling behaviour kicked in when I was in my mid/late teens and trying to become more independent. I gave up a few huge opportunities back them because I was so afraid of the fallout.

Tbh I think she's a very unhappy, bitter, elderly woman & when something tips her frustrations over the edge, be it a broken down household appliance, or a cold, she takes it out on everyone else. I'd noticed the pattern previously and got a handle on it, but living with it 24/7 it's much easier to go from 0-WW3 in seconds than realise what's happening and extricate oneself from the situation

You seem to be describing the process for social housing which is a nightmare as there is an acute shortage of housing stock as I'm sure you know and you wouldn't qualify as you're not homeless. I was thinking of private renting - looking in the local paper to see if there is anything affordable and then claiming housing benefit if you couldn't cover the costs of the rent. If finance isn't a problem for your parents would they be willing to loan you the deposit and a months rent in advance. It's not much good going to estate agents as they tend to deal with the upper end of the market, but sometimes private rents are advertised in shop windows or the local paper. I don't think they do credit checks.

Anyway you seem to be very "on the ball" as far as finances go, and I'm sure you will get things sorted in time.