...don't worry I'm not going to, because I know it would break DDs heart, but I've fucked both our lives up and although there is a light at the end of the tunnel its a long way in the distance and I don't know how I'm going to make it that far.
Left EA exH in July, moved in with parents. It's just a nightmare. My mum is elderly, totally dogmatic, controlling and hypercritical. Every day there are digs and moans and being made to feel unwelcome. Having hated H with a passion she now takes his side and keeps telling me that she can see why I wound him up so much, and if I had been better with money we wouldn't be in this situation and I should have stayed until I could afford to rent (SE would've taken a year probably, I was scared of him and DD was having counselling).
I'm not the tidiest, most hyper efficient person but I'm doing my best. DD and I are out of the house most of the week, so we're not really getting in the way. Bedrooms aside they've made very few changes in their living arrangements to accommodate us (although admittedly that's a big one).
I just feel like everyone thinks I'm useless, lazy and a huge burden. As mum keeps pointing out, if she and H both find the same things wind them up it must be me.
Another blinding row this morning when I suggested we try and find a place in a refuge or that DD tries living with her dad (he was mostly ok with her, it was witnessing his behaviour to me that caused her distress) and I live out of the car or on friends sofas for the next 6 months. There's a 3-4 year wait for council accommodation, so that's pretty pointless to consider.
DD hears everything that goes on because the house is open plan and mum is deaf so impossible to have a quiet conversation. She's 12 - I shouldn't have put her in this position, and to make it worse I've just (accidentally) done something that H used to do when he was playing up which I hate myself for.
Don't even know why I'm posting. I suppose I'm just hoping someone can suggest some way of making this bearable or tell me I'm not the worst human being/mother on the planet just because I don't behave as other people want/expect me to 100% of the time, but perhaps that's the way its meant to be.