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Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

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Original poster

What would happen if I killed myself?

60 replies

EverythingsDozy · 16/10/2016 19:19

Seriously, what would happen to my kids if I killed myself?
I'm a single mum to two beautiful dc but their father makes my life so hard I'm not sure I can take this any more. He verbally agreed to me taking the kids abroad and now it's all booked and paid for he's saying no. He's just being cruel for cruels sake.
He's said he won't give me written permission to take them but it's on me if I choose to do it but I know he's so cruel he would phone the airport to make sure they don't let us on. And if we do get on, I can see him getting me arrested for child abduction which would mean I would lose my job and I definitely wouldn't get accepted onto the course I have applied for.
My boiler has been broken for a week but I'm not an emergency case so it's not getting fixed until tomorrow. We have been freezing for ages.
Is this how life is?? Is it meant to be this hard??! I hate hate hate it! I hate my life. I just want it to end now. But I'm terrified my kids will end up having to live with their dad which they don't want. What can I do????

OP posts:

Pinatubo07 · 16/10/2016 20:20

Sorry OP
I ask myself the same question.
In my head what will happen is that the suffering will stop

I am very unhappy and tired of countless medications and therapies and so on

Just want everything over with

MNHQ

PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 16/10/2016 20:21

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

NameChanger22 · 16/10/2016 20:28

Tell him you're not going, then go anyway. You don't have to be honest with a shitrag. Legally you don't need his permission to go on holiday.

Can you buy a cheap electric heater for the time being. I agree with the above poster about the candles, they do take the edge off the cold, as do hot water bottles and warm drinks.

I've also been through 10 years of dealing with a horrible ex, but things have got better, I've learnt how to not react emotionally to his games and to ignore him. You will too. Nothing he can say or do affects me now. Plus, it's not forever. Your children need you.

Original poster

EverythingsDozy · 16/10/2016 20:30

Do they though? I'm bloody hopeless. I can't even organise a holiday without it all turning to shit.

OP posts:

originalmavis · 16/10/2016 20:32

The holiday isn't your fault though is it? Completely all on their father.

Cocochoco · 16/10/2016 20:33

Just want to say that in the course of a life not going to Disneyland would not matter - losing your mother would, in tiny ways, in huge ways, in every way for ever more. It would change your children's lives catastrophically.

Sometimes life is shit, true. But the greatest gift you can give your kids is to be there for them. Sometimes all you can do is to be stoical, to bear the difficulty.

My dad killed himself - I was an adult, but the pain was really quite indescribable. I wish he'd been able to stay for me, and I can't imagine what my life would have been if he'd done this when I was a kid.

When things get really bad for you try to remember the joy in a cup of tea, in a sunny day and the hug of your children. I hope it all works out and you have your holiday. Lean on your sister for support and look after yourself.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 16/10/2016 20:37

Coco ~ that is a lovely post.

willowcatkin111 · 16/10/2016 20:51

I have been in a similar position loads of times.
Two things that stick in my mind are "it doesn't end the pain it just passes it on to someone else" and also that a child that loses their mother to suicide is 10 times more likely to complete suicide themselves.
It is hard - try and get as much support as you can.

Original poster

EverythingsDozy · 16/10/2016 20:58

I know what it's like to lose a parent. My dad died when I was 14, through cancer, not through suicide, but it was awful. He fought to the end and now I feel like he'd be ashamed to see me like this. I want to give up so easily but he would have done anything to stay.
I would hate to hurt my kids. I adore them. I just feel like they'd be so much better off without me. I'm so shit at this mum lark, it's too hard!

OP posts:

Felascloak · 16/10/2016 20:58

dozy I agree with name changer. Tell him you've cancelled it (cry and give him a guilt trip, or get angry so he thinks he's got to you) then go anyway and text him a silly photo of you and the kids while you are there. What a knobjockey he is.
In the mean time please see your GP and hang in there.

DailyFailFuckwits · 16/10/2016 20:59

This will pass. If you were starting to feel on the up, you can get there again. Your children need you.

LetitiaCropleysCookbook · 16/10/2016 21:05

I'm bloody hopeless. I can't even organise a holiday without it all turning to shit.

The fact that you are trying to organise a holiday for them, for their happiness and enjoyment, and trying to do your very best for them, through all the shit, means more to your dc than anything. Minor setbacks will not mean a thing in the long run.They would rather you were around, looking out for them, fighting their corner, than anything else in the world.

I'm also pretty sure that if their father has only seen them 3 times in a year and if they live with you, a court would be likely to grant you permission to take your dc abroad for a holiday.

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

Can you contact a solicitor for advice, as suggested in the above link? Hang in there, op. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Soozikinzi · 16/10/2016 21:08

You must stay strong for your children.A friend of mine ,who didn't have children,committed suicide and after a while of feeling sad it makes those left behind feel anger and resentment that there'll always that wound that you'll never get over.Im sure you won't want your children to feel like that? You must get a much help for yourself as you possibly can because this will help your children. Give the impression you aren't going to take them on the holiday then take them anyway.Can you get help from the citizens advice or any charities about your legal position?You also need to go to the GP. I just hope you are out of this struggle as soon as possible xx

Kris5 · 16/10/2016 21:12

Put yourself in your kids position.
Would you spend your life blaming yourself because your mum didn't love you enough to stay?
Mum couldn't live with dad but we have no choice.
Why didn't she care what happened to us?

Why did she hate us?
All they have is a grave to visit and yet no questions answered.

That's even if 40 odd years later they could bear to be anywhere near.
I know, I never visit. It hurts too deep.

Original poster

EverythingsDozy · 16/10/2016 21:21

I would hate for them to feel like that. I think they already feel like that about their father because he left. He got the other woman pregnant after a handful of months so, for all they know, he left to be with a new child.
I'm not sure a solicitor would help as we are going in term time. They wouldn't help me to take my kids out of school.

OP posts:

theywillnevergetoverit · 16/10/2016 21:41

You would hurt your children in a way that they would never recover from. My mum committed suicide when I was 17 and it has completely ruined my life. Many years on I still miss her every single day. Me and my siblings have been totally devastated. Please seek the help you need.

Your kids need you more than they need anything in this world.

Medicaltextbook · 16/10/2016 21:46

Much as I'd love to see you and the DC on that holiday I'd be wary about lies. at any stage. I'd worry about problems in the future for example if you go to court. (your ex saying that he was initially happy about the holiday, then worried about the children - he thought you agreed and had cancelled and then suddenly took them abroad - we all know the background but it might not sound good to a judge.) .

However I think you need to see a solicitor urgently to see if there is a way to go. If money is an issue see if there is a local law centre that might help for free or at least give some advice.

Owllady · 16/10/2016 21:46

Can you go to the GP in the morning? If you have been feeling suicidal you need help that a parenting discussion board can't help with.
I could say to you it's just a holiday, don't stress about a holiday but that isn't going to help you.
Your children need a mother, you are important enough to seek medical advice and get help.
Ring Samaritans anything
Just look after yourself, one day at a time. Impulsiveness never solved anything, ever

LetitiaCropleysCookbook · 16/10/2016 21:48

I'm not sure a solicitor would help as we are going in term time. They wouldn't help me to take my kids out of school.

I think you're feeling overwhelmed by all the problems which are cropping up, and unable to focus on which one to tackle first. Have you applied to the school yet for permission to take your children out of school? If you were able to get permission from the school, you might feel more confident about the next step, which would be to apply for permission to take them out of the country.

You may start to feel a bit better about the situation when you are doing something proactive about dealing with the spanners your ex is trying to throw in the works.

Kris5 · 16/10/2016 21:54

You don't say how old your dc are.

I was 7, oldest of three.

Sometimes I think. It wasn't about us, we didn't push her to this. The rest of the time I am angry. Counsellors don't help. Nothing does. I have to block her out.

Life was shit. My childhood ended with her life.

Just huddle closer when it's cold.

I apologise for the rant but it's obviously a sensitive subject for me.

SangtheSun · 16/10/2016 21:58

OP, I mean this kindly and lovingly, particularly for anyone who may be reading this who has lost a parent to suicide. When I was at my absolute lowest, not wanting to go on and not feeling worthy of it, I realised that by killing myself I was effectively saying to my children "I can't take this pain and hurt, here, you have it.".
It stopped me committing suicide, still does sometimes.

I do realise that some people get beyond being able to think clearly. No judgement here from me

ageingrunner · 16/10/2016 22:03

Please don't kill yourself. I know of a family of 5 kids whose father committed suicide during their childhood and of the 5, only 2 are still alive today. 1 died young of cancer and the other 2 had mental health and drug problems which they sadly died from. Absolutely shit and it undoubtedly ruined their lives.
You are the most important person to your children

BusStopBetty · 16/10/2016 22:09

Don't stress about the school. The solicitor won't give a shit, and if the school won't give permission, go anyway. The worst the school can do will fine you. And if it's only a day or two they probably won't even bother.

Keep on keeping on. You not only can do this, you ARE doing it.

Original poster

EverythingsDozy · 16/10/2016 22:11

My children are still very young, dd is 6, ds is nearly 4. We have been on our own since they were 3 and 1.
I do not want to hurt my children. I would hate for them to feel that it was their fault or abandoned or unloved.
The school has officially said it won't be authorised but her teacher and I have arranged to collect work and she's told us to go and have a nice time. Dd is working about 2 years ahead of her year group anyway and she's got 10 years to catch up for her GCSEs!
I'm going to bed now, just so no one worries about me!

OP posts:

Wishforsnow · 16/10/2016 22:17

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Not surprised you are so fucked off with this. It must feel like another road block. I know you won't think it right now but you will find a way around and it will get better

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