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Original poster

Remebering sexual abuse...

51 replies

abitmessedup · 07/02/2007 00:17

I'm confused...

I have started counselling sessions to help combat my depression and sort out several things that are bothering me, one of which is the memory of being abused. We began talking about this is in my session today and I feel really unsettled. We didn't go into any detail but the counselor asked what had happened, how I felt about it at the time, how I felt about it now etc.

The thing is that I'm not sure I can really remember what happened. I have some vivid memories of particular incidents, none of which were particularly terrible. I'm lucky in that I was never raped and suddenly, talking about the things I do remember has made me feel like I have no right to be upset. Nothing really awful happened to me. At least, I don't think it did. I have vague memories of other incidents but am not sure if they really happened or if they are a figment of my imagination. And when asked about the frequency of the abuse, I thought it was all the time - every week if not every day, but now I don't believe that. Surely that can't be right? Maybe it was just a few times and it feels like it was more often..?

I think I'm just having difficulty verbalising what happpened and, when I think about it, I don't have any strong feelings. It was just something that happened, and I accpeted it. For a long time, it didn't occur to me that it was something that shouldn't happen.

I just wish I was able to express myself clearly and recall things properly. I am beginning to doubt myself and I feel horrible.

I don't know what to do...

I just feel sad, empty and very very sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
abitmessedup · 07/02/2007 00:19

Ooops, typo in thread title, obviously it should be remembering and there are far to many 'happen's in there.

Sorry it's so badly written. My mind is racing and I can't think straight.

I don't know what I expect from this, I just felt the need to write it down and get it out...

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 07/02/2007 02:42

Hiya,
I am the very same. As time went on, memories faded, some images were as vivid as it was yesterday, but some I can't grasp, some important things I can't remember and it scares me. I guess because the abuse was so constant for 2 and a half years, to remember it all would take more than a 2 and a half year session! The more you try and remember, the more jumbled it gets. It's all entirely normal with things like this. I told the psychiatrist I had dreadful memory lapse and he understood that, also it make take a while to answer questions while I almost literally hunted down the answer/memory in my thoughts. The more I forget, the more I doubt myself but you have to hold onto the more clear memories, even write things down as they come to you. I hate doing it, but might start soon so I have a fuller picture when I have another appointment. I get random images at random times that have been "lost" for a while. That's one thing that really messes up my life, just doing something so normal and up it flashes. I don't know if you ever get "random" thoughts, but it might really help to make a note of them, and after a while you will realise you have a little catalogue of things you can't remember at the same time, if you get what I mean.

{{hugs}} xXx

Original poster
abitmessedup · 07/02/2007 03:02

Thanks, Quootiepie. I don't really know what to say now. It's good to know that I'm not alone with this problem, but I just wish this was all over. I hate it haunting me. My life hasn't turned out the way I wanted... I don't know what is real and what isn't.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
vizbizz · 07/02/2007 04:44

traumatic incidents can have this effect, particularly abuse by a partner or caregiver. It is not at all unusual to "forget".

There are books on the subject, though I am not sure what is a recommended read, or even if you want to read up on it. I suggest to ask your counsellor if you are interested. The important thing to keep in mind that this is a very normal reaction and can be necessary for survival in difficult circumstances.

vizbizz · 07/02/2007 04:47

and don't feel that you don't have a right to be upset. It was something that should not have happened, and it has taken something away from you. It's awesome that you are seeking help and speaking about it. I hope this all helps you move forward.

huge hugs

piscesgirl · 07/02/2007 06:55

It makes me so sad to read sexual abuse messages. I hope your counseller is a good one and lets you unfold your thoughts gradually. Do not doubt yourself and do not underestimate how dreadful sexual abuse is. Even if not full blown rape - to experience what you have is just as destroying. You have every right to feel crap about it
I hope you have a better session next time. XXX

Original poster
abitmessedup · 07/02/2007 14:15

Thanks for the support.

When I think about what happened, it's as if it wasn't me - it's like something I saw n a film. That probably makes no sense... I'm so confused about this.

I am feeling really low. I just don't want to feel like this any more.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 07/02/2007 14:20

do you see yourself in the film or see it from your pov this may help your counsellor help you unlock what has happenned, remember you have aright to be upset and it is important to recognise that you are the innocent party and it is ok not to have strong feelings

Quootiepie · 07/02/2007 14:21

Hiya again,
I see alot from the view of watching a film for some strange reason, if I concentrate really hard I can be back there, as "me" but it is too disturbing. Seeing my memories from almost a third party view has detached me from them abit, in some ways it is good as I can cope better as it seems less real, but then when it comes to talking about it it's harder as I have distorted the memories abit. Sometimes it really does seem like it was all a film I watchedand it couldn't have possibly happened to me, I guess it is abit denial. When you think "shit, that actually happened to me" it becomes a whole lot worse. Even if you are not consiously (sp?) in denial, subconsiously you might be. I found a good site about different ways of dealing with things, i'll look for it in a bit as it's quite intresting.

{{hugs}} xXx

foxinsocks · 07/02/2007 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nemo2007 · 07/02/2007 17:00

abitmessedup this is exactly how I feel. I think sometimes when you have put something 'away' for sooo long to put the face on then you cant verbalise it. I can remember some particular events but even then it is like snapshots rather than a film of the event IYKWIM. It even got to a point that I doubted if what I did remember was real but unfortunately it was. I tend to find memories for me will be triggered by a smell or if DH does or says something then it will set of a memory. Will read the whole thread properly later as kids are mulling around so cant think about those things now iykwim.

havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 17:28

abitmessedup. Your post rings so many bells with me. I feel the same. I keep thinking was it/wasn;t it - every day/week/month etc etc etc
Sometimes i would say to the therapist - you probably dot think its so bad -why has it affected me so deeply
i too get scared. my best friend said she thought my memory loss was part of it. like i had shoved the stuff so deep that i cant recall it when i want/need to
i think thats true and it freaks me
my abuser admitted a string of incidents that i had 'forgotten' ...it made me feel mental

havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 17:33

i wish we could all sit down and meet and make each other feel normal. its sucha lonely business - having been abused. so alone

babybuttercup · 07/02/2007 17:33

{{hugs}} abitmessedup, you have every right to feel upset and even if you werent raped you were abused I totally understand your feelings of doubt over what "actually happened", i often feel the same way. Thats why i get so upset and angry at times as i want to sort it out in "my head" and put things straight but i cant. Try and keep going with the sessions and i hope that one day you will have it straight in your own mind and then be able to move on and leave it behind you.

Have been thinking of you and Quootie and i know we will all get through this!! X x x

Quootiepie · 07/02/2007 17:55

Hijack - Buttercup - how are you? xXx {{hugs}} xXx

Original poster
abitmessedup · 07/02/2007 18:33

Thank you all so much for you support. I don't know if you realise how much it means. I feel a bit pathetic, grumbling about my situation when I know some of you went through far worse and have are going through the mill again. I'm just not coping very well. Well, not coping at all. I don't think I can do this. I don't want to do this anymore.

OP posts:
Nemo2007 · 07/02/2007 20:03

abitmessedup I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to do it anymore.I feel like that most days and I dont have the burden of still having to face Sf[well most of the time]but then I think of my kids. If it wasnt for them then no I wouldnt be here,I often think about the cowards way out but then I often feel like a coward. Stupid thing is it is not us who are cowards, instead we are the ones torturing ourselves over things that were out of our hands. If your DS or DD came and said they had experienced what you had would you say oh well at least you werent raped or so and so had it worse than you....course you bloody wouldnt. Whatever you experienced was wrong and it happened to you so that is more than enough validation for you to feel a bit f*ed up by it. Now if only I could take that advice on myself

Original poster
abitmessedup · 07/02/2007 20:08

lol Nemo - it's much easier to dish out the support and advice than it is to act upon it yourself, isn't it?!!

I know you're right and talking about the coward's way out and mentioned DS helps to put in in perspective - sometimes I need someone else to tell me to those things.

Thank you. x

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 07/02/2007 20:11

Stay strong lovely girls. Talking about it can only help. When you know the worst, you can learn from it and grow from it. I think you are all extremely wonderful to face it head on and talk it through.

foxinsocks · 07/02/2007 20:15

I know it's an old cliche, but time makes it better. Just think how many years we've avoided talking about it or doing anything about it? Now suddenly we get it all out and expect to get over it like that. Sadly, if you think about it logically, it was never going to work out that way.

Just tell yourself constantly - I'm strong, I'm powerful and I can manage ANYTHING!

Just take every day at a time...little steps, and soon one day you'll look back and realise how many little steps you've taken. Be kind to yourself.

You don't need to justify what happened to you, you don't even need to remember every single detail, the fact that it happened is enough. xx

Nemo2007 · 07/02/2007 20:21

foxinsocks I agree about how many years it has taken to talk about the stuff etc and also why do we feel the need to go over everything in detail...surely the fact it happened once was enough. I do it , I nit pick at a memory trying to recall some other detail in it but I dont know why, maybe trying to justify the feeling like crap, proving that loosing my family over it was worht it?? I dont know why I just do but I guess thats part of human nature.

Havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 20:22

Yes abitmessedup. The degree to whicj it happened does not correlate to how shit you feel or how much it has trashed your life - we all know that.
You do not need to apologise for the way you are feeling - we all understand and empathise.
I wish i was near and could help you...feel free to CAT me ( god knows how as i have name changed)
If you want to - say and i will tell you my other name x

Havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 20:23

Nemo - do you find the loss of family support has turned into a major issue for you?

Nemo2007 · 07/02/2007 20:24

was just about to say if any of you want to email me on [email protected]

Havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 20:25

or nemo could tell you !!