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Mental health

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Original poster

Can anyone help me? I'm not coping.

71 replies

WindfallenArch · 04/10/2016 13:36

Everything really is as bad as I think it is - I don't think it's catastrophic thinking - I really am unemployable, friendless and skint. I see no end to it. I'm simultaneously skilless and overqualified so have no idea what to do to get some work to at least have a reason to get out of bed and wash. My family are all dead, my children have recently reached the stage where I embarrass them - they were my world and gave me a reason to live. My marriage is an empty shell. I have nothing and no one. I therefore wonder if there is anything wrong with my mental health at all - I may just be perfectly reasonably hopeless.

OP posts:

Original poster

WindfallenArch · 05/10/2016 13:23

Oh golly - that must be hard. It's all wrapped up together isn't it? the fact that his situation has made you so low means you need him around all the more. Horrid to feel out of control. Is there still hope?

OP posts:

Natsku · 05/10/2016 13:38

Yeah that's it. There's always hope, we're fighting it as hard as we can, I'm hoping one of his lawyers will give me something to do to help.

Original poster

WindfallenArch · 05/10/2016 13:40

Can you say why it's happening? I guess that might out you or be private so I get it if you can't.

OP posts:

Natsku · 05/10/2016 13:50

It would out me so better not. But basically he's a vulnerable person who should not be taken away from his family/carers, it'll kill him.

Original poster

WindfallenArch · 05/10/2016 13:53

Oh dear. That sounds painful. How is he coping?

OP posts:

VioletBam · 05/10/2016 13:55

42! Oh OP you're so young yet! I really feel for you that you;re so sad.

Original poster

WindfallenArch · 05/10/2016 13:59

Hello violet 42 just feels a bit old to have accomplished nothing and never grown into a responsible person I would respect if I met me. I can't even get a job. Thank you for the flowers though :-)

OP posts:

Natsku · 05/10/2016 14:06

He's coping badly.

I agree with Violet that 42 is not too old - lots of people don't really start their life until later. Its never too late to learn something new but I don't think that should be your priority right now, now you need to focus on small improvements to your life.

Original poster

WindfallenArch · 05/10/2016 14:34

Maybe you're right, but I don't see the path yet. Retraining is impossible without mobey

OP posts:

Natsku · 05/10/2016 15:22

Again, not sure about how it works in the UK but is it possible to get retraining funded as part of an unemployment scheme?

VioletBam · 05/10/2016 15:26

I'm 44 and I feel young still....I have many things I'm yet to achieve...I am NOT giving up :) Neither should you. You're very articulate and have more than you realise to offer.

Original poster

WindfallenArch · 05/10/2016 17:05

Well on paper I look like I was doing ok, so it looks like I should be able to get a job to anyone that sees my CV. Qualifications left right and centre. It's all bullshit though - I was in IT. I'm now so hopelessly deskilled after time with the kids that I may as well never have done it. It's a lifetime ago and I was only ever mediocre even pre kids. I somehow clung on - partly I suspect for positive discrimination reasons. I was the only woman in the room and it helped the stats.

OP posts:

groovergirl · 05/10/2016 23:43

Windfallen, I so envy you your IT career and skills. IT seems to be the one part of the economy that is expanding. All kinds of workplaces are looking for IT people.

You call yourself "mediocre" yet you have heaps of qualifications and, presumably, experience. I bet you weren't mediocre. But you have fallen into a slump and are being unkind to yourself.

I agree with PPs -- get your treatment sorted first, improve your health, then have a serious think about your career. Seriously, in IT you can branch out in so many directions, some of which haven't even been invented yet.

user1475440127 · 08/10/2016 22:04

Visit your local church, you never know you might meet a lot of lovely people in a similar predicament, our church is very accepting of everyone. One trainee minister is an ex heroin addict.
We has allsorts of folk in our congregation; gays, drug addicts, ex whatever, no one is judged or pounced upon to convert,
We have lovely social events, bring and share lunches ,outings, just normal fun stuff,

Natsku · 08/10/2016 22:13

How are you doing OP?

I do agree that some churches can be really good at helping people in crisis but it varies hugely from church to church. Your church sounds lovely user I was very put off church by my old one because of the way they treated a long term member who came out as gay.

user1475440127 · 09/10/2016 20:15

I too have been to churches that place " conditions" on ones worthiness to belong . The church I attend does not. We have gay members and we celebrate and accept all mutually happy relationship's.
Not all churches are massively evangelical. Try a URC church; historically they are non sexist/gay or whatever.

Imcrackingup · 09/10/2016 21:50

wind I emphasise with so much you've said. I am currently not in a good place, very similar situation to you, on meds, seeing a psychiatrist and struggling...
But I was suicidally depressed a long time ago - I'm not quite that bad at the moment and I am not going back there. I can't - I'm terrified of going there again. I don't think I would survive. So I am doing everything in my power not to. It is hard but I know it can only get worse if I don't. I don't think I have a choice

I think the worst thing is having too much time to think and nothing positive to think about. Is there something- anything - you can do to occupy your time/mind? Even doing puzzles or an online course - anything as long as you have something else to think about apart from you and your life. And preferably using your brain - things like gardening are good to keep busy but you also have the opportunity to think - to analyse and that isn't all a good thing.
I think I would drop job hunting for now - it would give you a purpose but it could back fire.
I have a very part time flexible job -work from home, not well paid, no real future. It does give me something to think about but then it also makes things harder as I struggle to do things I have to and feel like I am fucking that up to...even though there is noone really to discipline me. Lack of concentration/focus - everything - makes it so much harder -so I am frustrated and angry with myself too...for making it harder than it needs to be.
What I am doing is making a real effort to make small changes...take fairy steps. It is hard -but I really don't think I have a choice -unless I just give up and I am not ready for that yet (plus I have DCs and I can't do that to them - I knew someone whose DM committed suicide - they never got over it).
Which means doing little things - like I get dressed as soon as I get out of bed - not washed and dressed, not showered, not dressed enough to go out but not still in my PJs. I straighten the bed - a psychological plus.
Then I waste hours staring at a computer screen - not doing my work ...playing solitaire or on MN ..anything but what I should be doing.
I also try and keep the house vaguely tidy - so force myself to do certain jobs on certain days. Nothing huge - just hoover one room, empty the bins, etc. Then I feel like I've achieved something. Also I have lots (hundreds!) of silly little jobs like tidy a kitchen drawer - I have them on a to do list -I add to it when I see something and try and do one every few days/week. Ticking it off a list and seeing things ticked off also lets you know what you have achieved. I also try and reorganise things like drawers - something to think about whilst doing them.

I have also been trying to force myself to walk rather than drive to the local shop (10-15mins in total). Exercise is really good for your mental health but again it lets your mind wander - I have been walking fighting back the tears, feeling terrible. And frightened that I felt like carrying on walking- I was thinking about someone who did that - committed suicide in a remote but beautiful place and they walked miles to get there.
You really have to do something /anything - no matter what, no matter how small to start moving forward...don't worry about the past - you can't change it. Don't worry about the future just now. Worry about surviving - and you can deal with the future when you are stronger. Don't let yourself think about anything but here and now and tiny positive achievements
I fucking hate Depression - it is hell . But I know it can pass and you will be able to find small amounts of happiness -just it is hard to believe that

Imcrackingup · 09/10/2016 21:58

BTW getting to a second interview is bloody good going - it is an achievement. I suspect you may have managed to talk yourself out of the job - as in you don't deserve it, why would they want to employ someone as useless as you... the depression talking for you.
Get back to the GP and get meds/referrals - don't be afraid to admit how bad you feel - you are only going to feel worse if something doesn't change and you need help for that to happen.

Imcrackingup · 09/10/2016 22:01

grr - just noticed auto- correct empathise ...not emphasise Hate autocorrect too!

gratesnakes · 09/10/2016 22:15

Hello OP, please go to a GP. Print out some of your posts here for them to read if you think you will struggle to explain yourself. Tell them that you would like to try different meda and different therapy this time. You sound really depressed but you can get better I am sure. My sister was a professional type but struggled to find work in recent years due to depression. Anti depressants have really worked for her so there really is hope. She did not want to go back into a competitive workplace and she now works part time as a carer for old people and she finds it very satisfying.

You are probably much too young to be menopausal but if you have any reason to suspect that you are you could also mention that to the GP.

seaurchin2016 · 21/02/2017 01:53

Just been reading this old thread and wondered how you are doing now Windfallenarch, three months on. Hope you are better and more positive.
Take Care

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