Can anyone help me? I'm not coping.

[WindfallenArch]

Everything really is as bad as I think it is - I don't think it's catastrophic thinking - I really am unemployable, friendless and skint. I see no end to it. I'm simultaneously skilless and overqualified so have no idea what to do to get some work to at least have a reason to get out of bed and wash. My family are all dead, my children have recently reached the stage where I embarrass them - they were my world and gave me a reason to live. My marriage is an empty shell. I have nothing and no one. I therefore wonder if there is anything wrong with my mental health at all - I may just be perfectly reasonably hopeless.

Windfallen Arch. I too have been on the floor and unable to motivate myself to to anything. I had a shower one day, washed my hair and made a promise to myself to move forward, no matter how slowly. It was slow, but steady. There were bumps along my road and I am still on my journey but I'm muffling on. Each turning point in life can be a painful reveal but you may need to draw a line in the sand for yourself and step forward into your future.
None of us is perfect. We have all made mistakes, some of them we would love to erase, but the fact of the matter is that those things are in the past. You CAN move forward and create a better life for yourself.

Your language sounds very low. This is not a criticism but I do suggest you see your GP for an Referral to the local Mental Health team or directly to a psychiatrist, you need an expert to give you coping strategies rather than just talking about what went before.

Thank you xocariac - I do appreciate it. I wish I wasn't so weak. My brain knows that I could take steps to emeliorate it but my limbs feel like lead and I panic if I attempt to concentrate. My mind is like a sparrow hoping about and literally take fractions of a second to drop one task for another and back again, flitting between totally unrelated tasks, so I achieve nothing while putting in a great deal of time and effort. My mind knows the reason I'm shaky and frightened is that I've not eaten go days but even a bite of toast is stomach churning and I dry retch or bring up bile

As a pp said I also think it would be a good idea to see a psychiatrist. I discussed the whole brain chemistry thing with mine in quite a lot of detail, how meds work etc You will be able to discuss your previous experience with meds & counselling & they should be able to recommend another course of action to embark on now. What's the alternative?

It sounds as if you are in a very low state of mind but with some groundwork you will be able to get yourself "up" enough to get involved with something, job hunting, volunteering, activity groups, whatever but at the moment, while you are at this level, even if you did manage to arrange something it's likely that it wouldn't be successful & then of course you have a vicious circle of failure & feeling more shit etc

Also forgot to add that anhedonia (not feeling enjoyment) is a classic depression indicator, also thinking you are lazy. If you have felt like this for a very long time you may have a type of depression called dysthymia, as I do. A lot of your descriptions are very close if not exactly the same wording as to what I would use for myself.

Op the only way from here is up. If nothing changes then nothing changes.

Try some vit D to make sure you are good in that dept.

Your past is in the past and you cannot alter that. You do not need to let it define your future.

A sad person would not be displaying the sort of behaviour that you are so I think that you may be medically depressed. Call the GP and let him decide.

The horror of MH problems is that often it's only our inner self who can bring ourselves out of the situation and it takes effort to realise that. And without medication it really does boil down to mind over matter.

Why not go back to college to retrain in a new career? Evening classes perhaps? A confidence building course?

Hello idlevice - it's truly heartening to know someone can understand what I mean, but by the same token I'm so sorry if you're going through sadness and fear.

I have no idea how to get more 'help' than I got - counselling was with a volunteer (qualified as I understand it) but for me it genuinely did make me understand how abusive my childhood was, how I never made a decision so my life never really started, how I didn't use my life and why I'm now without friends, a job or my health because I hid from fear my whole adult life. I wasted all my chances and squandered my existence. I'm so lonely and bored.

Hello quite - I'd love to retrain - more than anything - but I have a degree, so there is no money.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I hope things pick up for you soon. I can relate to a lot of what you've said. On the back of your thread I've just applied for lots of volunteering roles; so thank you for that. Hopefully one of them will materialise and I'll get to leave the cell that my home has become.

Hello Bagina, I hear you - how are you feeling tonight?

Thanks for asking: very low and getting lower this week. Like you, I feel that my reactions are logical to shit situations; drugs won't change that. I also feel ungrateful as everything should be good. It is good; but I don't feel it. I've become very isolated and I think that's the real problem. I just need some human interaction.

I haven't had job rejections as there's nothing to apply for. Don't get me wrong, I'll do anything, but nothing fits around the dc. I'm very lonely. Too much time to think.

Oh Bagina you sound like you know where I am. I'm here with open ears - it might help us both - I'd truly love to hear your story. I don't consider this my thread - please talk - I at the very least will listen.

I don't want to put too much on here, but I'm trying to avoid spiralling. I've started at the gym, stopped smoking 50 days ago, not drinking, I'm dieting, being productive in the house... I haven't stopped. I'm trying everything. I still have no focus in life for me, and I still have no friends. But I don't want to plunge down. I'm trying to do the best with what I have.

Bagina you sound like you have a strong light inside you.

Windfallen, sorry to hear you are feeling so low, and so isolated. I know how it can feel; I felt like hell this morning, and cried off and on during the day. All I can say is, please don't wait to feel motivated to pick yourself off the floor, get in the shower and put on some nice clothes. Do it anyway, because motivation follows action, and perhaps go out for a coffee, just to get some exercise and be among people.

Your geographic situation does sound challenging. Are you within commuting distance of a city? Could you start looking for jobs further afield? If you find one, you could delegate some of the household duties to other family members. I suspect they would help if they knew how terrible you were feeling. Can you talk to them honestly?

There are also lots of online courses you can do to update your skills. Check out Coursera for free and low-cost ones. I'm currently doing a five-module one that teaches me to build and maintain websites. Would that suit you? Also look at Skillcrush for courses on web dev, eg Ruby On Rails. Once you learn these you can set up as a developer and work from anywhere -- even home!

You can spiral up out of this. But first, go have a coffee and a walk. I'd walk with you if I could. Isolation can be such a grind.

I felt suicidal last week and I'd lost a stone in weight but I'm sure the AD's are kicking in now and I see a glimmer of hope. So what if you didn't do this and that in your life. Maybe you're a late starter? You're not too old to make a teeny weeny change? I'm taking anxiety meds, AD's and Diazapam and this is getting me through the worst of my life right now. I don't intend to stay on them all but I consider them my arm bands, keeping me afloat until I can learn to swim again. You can do anything you want to do you just need to find the strength to get up some how. Good luck to you, bless ya xxx

Hi groovergirl - that's a lovely post. You sound like you have a plan. I will look at those courses, thank you.
Bibbidee - What did you say to the doctor? I don't know how to begin.

Is there an organisation called Grow in your area? They are very good at helping people get on their feet again. I would leave looking for a job at the moment as you won't have the energy for it yet. Go to the doctor and spill it out. A lot of depression is reactivate. They are used to that.
Also you say you're children are embarrassed by you. That's pretty regular at a certain stage but it ends and they return to normal so don't despair on that. It will pass.

Op i really feel you need to see the doctor, get some antidepressants, explain how citralopram made you feel and they'll prescribe something different, they'll lift the fog a tiny bit at a time until you feel a bit better, they can really help, depression really is a horrible illness, you say its a catastrophy of events that have made you low, that's how depression starts in some people, other people just get it randomly, it doesn't follow a specific type of person. I agree with the pp, find a hobby, don't worry about a job just yet, It'll only add to your stress. Find a hobby that gets you out of the house, a knitting club or exersise class are usually good ones. That way you'll make new friends too. Make your task today to ring the doctor, just tell the receptionist you feel its depression, the doc will want to see you quickly, if you cant face getting out today, make the appointment for tomorrow, that's your challenge tomorrow, get up, get dressed, go docs, done.

I suffer badly too, and recently been given meds, I don't even think I spoke to my doctor, I just cried, I may have mumbled prozac.

I find one task a day makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.
And that i'm not so hopeless/worthless.

I hope you can do this op.

Hello, fellow Wind. Try to practise 'self-care': look after yourself with as much kindness as you would one of the children. Getting washed, c
leaning your teeth are all expressions of self-worth and you ARE worth it, like the advert says!
You sound stuck in a very self-critical way of thinking, which is typical of depression. I wonder: if a friend confided a
similar life story, would you criticse her as you have yourself? I bet you wouldn't.

Sorry-posting on phone so excuse odd gaps and typos.
The self-care thing and allowing yourself time of from negative recriminations iss really important as a defence against spiralling downwards. A really good cup of coffee; breakfast with lowers on the table. Posh shower gel. Sounds a bit silly, but fake it to make it until you can get som more intensive help (I suggest CAT rather than CBT). Listening to music, going for a walk. Doing what you feel like doing when you feel like it. If everything is as bad as you fear, then bugger rules and convention.

Flowers, not 'lowers'!
Good luck old bean: I am sending you psychic rays of strength.

Hello fellow wind, this is just the thing, fear I would criticise another me if I met one. Honestly if I were to tell you who I am and some of the despicable things I've done, I'm certain you would too. I physically cringe and genuinely make involuntary noises of horror sometimes when I randomly think of some of the things I've done and the shame. I would feel completely justified in condemning me as a worthless, feckless, reckless waster with no self control or moral compass. I feel like I'm festering, and rightly so.

I feel the same way about myself windfallen I've found the only way to get out of that mindset is to try and do something "good" for me its mostly cooking nice meals for my family - then I feel like I'm worth something.

I don't remember the ins and outs if the NHS but is it possible to self-refer to a psychiatrist? As they know much better about different meds and therapies than GPs do. You might have to try a couple of different meds to find what works for you.

I'm feeling much worse the last couple of weeks as my life situation has become much worse so I'm going back to the psychiatrist to adjust my meds as that does help even though it doesn't change the situation.

Oh thank you natsku for replying. After writing that ^ I've just sent myself into a bit of a tailspin, so your reply is particularly welcome.

Do you want to talk about what's going on for you?

Its very easy to get into a depressive tailspin, been doing that a lot lately but then I take an opamox and a cup of tea and force myself to do something to distract my mind. Going for a bike ride or walk sometimes works, other times housework works better. Or I do research on the Internet as my situation is mostly out of my control (my brother is facing extradition and the judge just approved the order) so the only practical thing I can do right now is research and share articles - I know I'd feel better doing something concrete though.