Sat here depressed upset and nowhere to turn.

[Namelessanddepressed]

I am a regular, feel really low at the minute to the point where I dont know what to do any more. My personal life situation is just becoming very overwhelming. I am trying to think of a way to type things without it becoming obvious who I am to some mumsnetters.
I have a lot going on with family that is just becoming so overwhelming and upsetting I dont know what to do. One family member is dying putting stress on already strained family ties. I am organising an event which I cant really afford but was doing as relative who is dying asked me to do it before they passed away which could be at anytime. The cost of event is just completely taking over everything and is depressing me further.
Our home life is dire at the minute due to having young children and my husband now not having a job when we were already completely struggling with day to day stuff. I already suffer from depression and seem to be getting lower as there are all these things I 'should' be doing and dont see how it is possible at all for me to do them. My parents in law have been great and are trying to help with the event in any way possible but I have not told them that we cant even afford basics at the minute. I just dont know where to turn for help as husband is wallowing in own depressin due to work circumstances and finances.

Oh god, I don't know what to say to you but didn't want this to go unanswered. Can you be honest with your family about this - would they be able to help you out? Do you work yourself or have you lost all your income?

Cant ask my family for help as it wouldnt be forth coming. I dont work due to depression and havent been able to for a long time. Husband was the wage earner hence we were/are struggling as when I worked I earnt more than what he does/did and that was prior to having children.

For Namelessanddepressed, please talk to someone in your family, just lay it on the line, they will understand. Dont keep this to yourself you need help with this. You WILL get through this. Take care

Have you thought of talking to a cpn?

i think honesty about the financial situation will help.......it will relieve a lot of pressure, you won;t have to pretend things are ok and commit money you haven;t got for an event.

if your DH does not have a job, surely your family will have an inkling things are bad?

honesty would be the best policy here, IMO...and then you can start to look at ways to get through this difficult time

((hug))

What about your parents in law? Could they help out? Are you getting all the state help you're entitled to? Would the CAB be able to help? I really sympathise with you - it sounds like a terrible situation.

starfairy I have a cpn but not really seen her at the minute due to other stuff[its hard to remain anonymous if I put too much detail hence am being vague]
Dh only lost his job this week so we have not worked out what we are entitled to as yet and he is naively thinking that he will get a new job soon. My family situation is difficult to go into but they are oblivious to how things are for us as a family and only see/hear what they want to. We have only organised the event due to the family memeber dying or we would have waited a while longer.

To Namelessanddepresed, just wanted to say hi & to see how your doing this morning. Hope your ok.

Starfairy
thanks for asking, am not too good and feel like I am living some sort of double life at the minute even online. I dont know why I am insisting on being anonymous as at the end of the day nobody knows me anyway.

You poor thing. You really do need some support. I'm sure your in laws would want to know if you are struggling with the basics. Perhaps being honest with them is the best place to start?

Are you and your dh getting help for your depression? Please do seek help if you haven't already as this will put you in a better position to be able to help yourselves and support each other which IMO is the most important thing.

I hope you are doing ok today. Take care. Very, very best wishes.

Would it help you to unmask yourself Namelessanddepressed? As you say, we don't know each other anyhow and there's absolutely nothing at all in your post to be ashamed of. Mind you this is coming from someone who's posted under a different name in the past for similar reasons. It's up to you of course. I really hope things improve for you soon .

Is there any way your in-laws could take over organising the event - or at least cover it financially at the moment - hopefully they'd understand how difficult it is for you at the moment.

Have you got any friends you could talk to about it all - someone you could have a coffee and a chat with?

sorry it's all so hard nameless.

re:the financial stuff
1/is DH receiving benefits now/have tax credits been upped.
2/post the ins and outs of the do somewhere separately on here to figure out how to minimise costs.
3/have you tried CCCS for the money problems?

in general:-
1/will husband go to docs over his depression
2/are you on ADs at the moment? can you talk things through with HV if CPN is not accessible at the time.

sorry it's all so hard nameless.

re:the financial stuff
1/is DH receiving benefits now/have tax credits been upped.
2/post the ins and outs of the do somewhere separately on here to figure out how to minimise costs.
3/have you tried CCCS for the money problems?

in general:-
1/will husband go to docs over his depression
2/are you on ADs at the moment? can you talk things through with HV if CPN is not accessible at the time.

Namelessanddepressed - you really need to talk to someone. It may not help your situation re DH job and family pressures but it may prevent you from becoming more depressed and withdrawn. I know it's probably easier said than done. Suspect you know that you need to do this other wise you wouldn't have posted. Can you go to your gp and get referred to a counsellor (someone completely removed from the situation)?

I'm sending you great big hugs and letting you know that while we can't do anything about your finances on here we can support you in other ways.

Take care

No point in being anonymous its going to become more obvious as time goes on anyway that I am sinking..
Jaamy thanks for your lovely email last night.

Nemo2007, U ok? U hanging on in there?

Hi Nemo, no practical advice to offer but am thinking of you. Had a look at your profile, your children are lovely, if you ever want to chat off board feel free to cat me, I've battled with depression myself, so totally understand where your coming from, as I say I'm not much use to you practically but if you just need somewhere to vent ect don't hesitate to contact me.

Nemo,

I suffer with depression also. Things seem absolutely unbearable when the go wrong and you're suffering anyway. If DH goes to the DSS, he will get benefits for being made redundant, I think they kick in after a few weeks. Get your tax credits upped as well. If you ring them, they'll sort it straight away.

Can you take a mortgage holiday? We're about to, as things here are a bit tight. Might see you over 'till DH gets a new job.

This event that you're organising, what is it, wedding, b'day party etc?!? Do you need a hand with anything, tips, ideas etc.

thanks all
funkimummy our mortgage company dont do breaks, will slightyl reduce payments for 3mths but you then have to pay extra to keep up.

Nemo - if your lender subscribes to the Mortgage Code (as most lenders do) they undertake to do 'everything they can' to help you overcome your difficulties. The Code also mentions that you can get advice from the CAB, Money Advice Centres or the Consumer Credit Counselling Service. The code can be found at www.cml.org.uk. If you think your lender is being unreasonable you may be able to complain to the Council of Mortgage Lenders and get extra help. Sorry - this probably doesn't help much and sounds a bit clinical. You will find a way through this - thinking of you - xx

Awww Nemo. I've met you on another thread I think - recognise your lovely pics. Maybe your mortgage company would agree to you just paying the interest for a while and halting the capital payments - I'm sure I've heard of that. Mind you, that may not help a lot depending how long you've had the mortgage for. I also understand that there MAY be some state help available with mortgage payments if you are registered for certain benefits. I'm sure the CAB could help you with this.

Have you thought any more about confiding in your family? Sending huge hugs to you all.

Hi Nemo,

I have just posted a thread in the depression section with a link to a website that my doctor gave me for some self help,

I hope this can help?

I feel so sorry for you, it is a terrible time, but you must remember that in the end everything will be okay, had a look at your profile by the way and your children are absoloutely beautiful! and they look very smiley and happy so your obviously doing something right!

Hopefully things will seem better once this event is out of the way and you can start concentrating your finances on other things?

I hope things get better for you soon. HUGE hugs to you and your family

I think PIL are quite aware of some of financial stuff but they dont know we had to get an IVA last year as otherwise we would have been delcared bankrupt and lost everything. So we have been living on an extremely tight budget as it is and they do help out where they can[like they bought DS a new bed in the summer etc] MY family, have posted about them before and is on here under childhood sexual abuse at the min[if you wanted to know] so things there are quite tense and my mum only sees what she wants to see. It is my nan who is dying and it has been diagnosed all of a sudden as she isnt an old nan. Just have had a horrendous time of it the past couple of months just when we thought things were getting back to some sort of normality everything changed again in dec with DH being made aware his job was finishing, we knew DD2 was due mid january and then my nan came home from spain to be told she was dying. Also my sister had a horrendous car accident but I could not go to visit her due to my stepdad[and still havent seen her as she is at home with him etc].
The event we are organising is the christening of both my girls. My nan has gone on and on about having DD1 christened[she is 13mths] but when she was 4mths found out was pg again so decided to wait for them both together. The other thing is DD1 has been quite poorly her first year with frequent trips to hospital and a couple of stays etc so organising christening was never possible. Now with my nan being terminal she asked if I would try to organise it before she went. Obviously I couldnt say no but the timing isnt great as we wouldnt have done it now with DHs job etc. Am lucky in that pil well more specifically MIL is trying to help and pay as much as she can towards helping.
I just feel like whenever I get one thing sorted something else happens. Today was told by Ds' playgroup they didnt put his forms for free childcare[he is 3.3yrs] havent come back so now they want us to keep paying. We did pay sept-dec but were told would be free from jan, now we are thinking we will probably have to stop DS going due to not being able to afford the fees.So as I say I manage to sort one little thing and ten ton of other things arise. Even silly things like getting day to day shopping is putting a strain on us.

This might be silly but is there anyhting we can do to help? For example, is there things you need to sort out for the Christening that maybe other MNers could help with?

Not really sure but possibly discount codes for websites, or money off vouchers. I have a £10 Mothercare voucher that i have had for nearly 2 years, there is no mothercare anywhere near me (as i dont drive) so i would be happy to send it to you, if it would be useful? I dont want you to think its charity, i'd just like to help out.

a lot of people helped me when i was in need and I would like to do the same for other people.

Also, maybe people might have suggestions for saving money on things, or christening outfis that people dont need anymore (chances are they have only been worn once!) my DS robe was antique (used by me, my brother, my mum, my grandma and her mother) but surely other MNers have something?

I'm not sure how you feel about this?