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Original poster

feeling depressed cyber cheating husband

40 replies

Emz25 · 29/01/2007 13:06

hi

i've suffered from depression before and i didn't realise till after it was post natal.
i've been doing well for a while though. everything between my husband and i have been going better than ever any we had baby number 3. its been 2 yrs since she was born and things have gone really well this time that is of course till beginning of dec when i found out my DH has been having cyber sex and webcamming behind my back. i have quickly fallen into depression again and i don't understand why he did this as like i said everything seemed to be great and he never showed any signs of problems.
i feel so betrayed that he made me believe everything was so great when it quite clearly was not if he felt the need to do this and lie about why he was staying up late.
i just don't know what to do. i hate him for making me feel like this and i'm finding it hard to cope with DD2 now and i don't want to feel like this i was moody with my first DD and DS through depression and i don't want my DD to see me like this. Does anyone think this is just normal depression or delayed post dep triggered by my trauma and what do i do about DH? i am finding it hard to forgive and have worries that he will progress to a full blown affair next. i can't trust him anymore when he made me believe our marriage was so trouble free and loving, when there is quite obviously cracks on his side anyway

OP posts:
sauce · 29/01/2007 13:11

I think you should ask him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel, see what he says. Apparently cybersex is v. common but I know that doesn't help your feelings! So sorry for you but you must talk to him.

Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 13:14

i have tried he won't talk to me about it which makes it worse i think

he says he does not know why he did it

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 29/01/2007 13:16

How often do you and he have sex and is it fun?

Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 13:17

i could kind of understand if we were having problems in our marriage or in the bedroom but thats just it we weren't well except the times when he was staying up doing that rather than coming to bed with me!

i would still be upset but i least i could rationalise it

OP posts:
Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 13:19

we have been doing it at least 3 times a week lately and sometimes twice a day this is what i mean i was completely blinded by it
he is by no means starved

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Judy1234 · 29/01/2007 13:23

That's good. He's just an idiot then. It probably didn't mean much. Is it very much different from looking at porn magazine or thinking wicked thoughts at the end of the day if he loves you and the 3 children? Just forget about it. I don't think most men like to talk about things as much as women.
Does he still have the web cam? If so ask him to sell it may be.

Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 13:25

sometimes its fun but it's good i'd say our sex life has improved dramatically the past 3 yrs and more so this past yr

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Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 13:28

yeah the difference between a mag and chatrooms though is these girls are real that he is talking too live (so to speak) and they are looking and sharing things together over a cam i would say that is much worse its 2 sided and what if one of these girls are in my area whats to stop them from meeting up?

its driving me mad i wish i could forget

OP posts:
sauce · 29/01/2007 13:48

Of course you can't forget! If it happened to me, I'd be plenty upset, believe me. Demand an explanation; your dh loves you & wants you to be happy (I presume!) so tell him that you can't accept it, it's making you depressed & you need to understand. Relate, some kind of counselling, whatever it takes.

jenwa · 29/01/2007 14:09

I am abit naive here, but is that a chatroom where they see each other through the webcam and not actually have sex but masterbate (sorry to be so blunt)? If this is the case I wouldbe really hurt too and not a happy bunny. I can not see hte difference between that or an affair as its still people showing themselves off and getting off on it.

I can not understand why he would be doing this if he is getting as much as you say he is from you other thatn the fact maybe its so much he just wants more.
I dont think yo have any depression from post natel, its def from what is happening in your relationship.
How did you find out? what have you siad to him and whats he said to you?
I do really feel for you as I would not be happy if it was my DH.

Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 14:11

i've tried this past wk has been the worst i have hardly stopped crying he just keeps saying he doesn't know why and don't be depreseed (like i can turn it on and off!)

i've looked into relate but it is expensive and i'm scared they will tell me its a normal male thing like looking at porn and i shouldn't get upset - practically telling him its ok to betray and deceive me like that and i'm just blowing it out of all proportions!

i wish he would understand the damage he has done

OP posts:
jenwa · 29/01/2007 14:14

Sorry typed that a bit fast and forgot to check my spelling!!!

jenwa · 29/01/2007 14:16

Can you go to drs to get referral to someone as may not have to pay that way (not sure though)

Prob best to talk to each other first and find out why hes doing this.

Men work so different to woman, they seem to think more about sex and thats basically what there priority is!

sauce · 29/01/2007 14:18

Find some professional help, fast. He's got the problem & he's inflicting it on you. If it hurts you, it's not acceptable, it's not "normal". How much does relate cost, anyway? Can you get help through your gp?

Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 14:30

last time he made me depressed i caught him looking at porn that was just over 6 yrs ago now and he swore he would nva do it again 'just curious' our relationship deteriated after that and we split up for the whole summer i recovered from my depression and we got back together i loved him and i wanted to make it work for the kids sake too. i was just beginning to trust him again as i have a prob with trust anyway (especially when its damaged) anyway since around last sep or oct i think i began to notice the signs staying up late saying he'll be up in a min then i wake up 2 hrs later and he's not in bed!
i knew he was up to something coz he would close things down when he heard me coming and i'd ask what he has been doing (not angrily) and he would say nothing that made me even more suspicious because he was being so secretive i check the history and it was always deleted and i even caught him closing the recycle bin once (making sure the deleted items were deleted from there - so i wouldn't know!) i decided to get proof i heard about this program that records all your activities and there it all was logged on there the next day i saw the whole conversation i knew thats what he had been doing all along then about 2 or 3 wks ago i looked at his msn and there were names on there like sexy horny sam or something so i knew he had been on the cam
he was in chatrooms then you swop msn names so you can go on the webcams.
yes it is masturbating and not sex but as good as!

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Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 14:33

relate is £45 per hour

i don't know if its free through gp but i feel embarrassed having to tell gp it was only last mth i was getting conception advice! we were supposed to be planning our last baby!

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jenwa · 29/01/2007 14:40

So sorry to have made you write all that.
Why do they lye when they are so obviously going to get found out. I know my DH has been on the net and he deltes stuff and its obviouse he's looking at stuff he should not as always clears everything and it drives me insane. We dont have web cam so feel safe he is not doing that.
I Cant believe your OH is doing that though. I know its not actual sex but like you said as good as! Its still seeing it with other people (like going to a sex club and wanking whilst someone stripping in front of you)Its degrading and sad and why not just go to the batroom and have as wank! It would upset me especially like you say its happened in the past.

Does he know you know? What did he say?

Where do you get the software from to look up stuff?

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 29/01/2007 14:41

Smash up the web cam, tell him you've done it and delete MSN entirely from your system. Check regularly to ensure it's still gone. Educate yourself about history and cookies and tell him you've done that too. Tell him you can't and won't tolerate it and that if he wants to be with you he won't do it again. Time will heal but he HAS to be made to understand the damage he has done both to your relationship and peace of mind and he has to show he is committed to repairing this damage. Men are very good and putting their heads in the sand and carrying blythly on with their activities happy in the knowledge that they have no real intention of wrecking their marriages (from their point of view) and reassuring themsleves with what we "don't know" won't hurt us!

(((hugs)))

Sorry to be blunt and brief, in a hurry.

Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 14:52

go to google type in loco parentis
its actually to monitor your kids online activities from these sexual preditors but works for catching anyone upto no good!

he knows i know i went mad at first then the depression set in and confusion like i said it was all good there was no need (not there should be ever) but we were doing well and like i said planning our last baby.

he just said sorry - he's an idiot- won't do it again - i love you - don't know why i did it - blah blah blah
i don't think i would feel this bad if he just told me the truth if its not my fault then explain what the reason is ya know
i just don't know what to do i wish i could walk out and teach him a lesson but that means tellin people and i feel ashamed i don't want family or close friends knowing

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cutekids · 29/01/2007 14:54

if it's any consolation at all,i am going through a very similar thing myself...except my hubbie was doing on the mobile phone (photos etc.).it hurts like hell - and i found out in September! - and i'm forever checking up on him which i never felt i had to do before. let's just hope time does heal. i too have suffered depression and couldn't believe my hubbie could send me right back under that big black cloud after i'd fought so hard to shake it off---with the help of medication at first and then because i was so determined never to go down that path again. i'm still shocked and hurt. but let's be strong shall we? easier said than done i know and just when you feel you're ok, something else happens to send you right back down again. i tell you what though, you learn to get stronger and stronger every day...just slowly.

cutekids · 29/01/2007 14:56

yes, men hate having to explain themselves don't they! in fact, they don't know how i'm sure!

Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 15:00

did he give you any explanation cutie?

i don't understand why he would want to make me ill again either but then i think he thought he would never get caught - thought he was clever delete everything before he came to bed

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cutekids · 29/01/2007 16:22

apparently,he was depressed when he started doing it....4 years ago!(at the time).
I don't for one minute think he was sorry. Just sorry he was caught. Now,like your hubbie,he deletes things straight off his phone and his pc.(although before this i had never bothered to look at either, I suddenly became very technical minded and figured out ways to get into both!)I asked him why he couldn't have sent me sex texts instead of this other person and he couldn't explain it.Even though he knew how lonely i was waiting for his calls at home whilst he'd obviously been doing this in hotel rooms.i don't think men think they're being unfaithful unless they are having physical sex with the other person. i felt i'd been betrayed. specially when i found a picture of his dick on his pc!!!!where the hell was he posting that! it ain't that big love!...sorry,i know how hurt i felt...still feel. it kills me inside sometimes but without a sense of humour i would't have survived this at all. so,just want you to know that i'm here if you ever want to talk. and i really do know how you feel at this moment in time.x

Original poster
Emz25 · 29/01/2007 16:30

yeah thats what i think too he's only sorry he got caught! and i said the same why can't you ask me e.t.c e.t.c

is he still doing it then despite knowing how you feel? u said he has started deleting these things now too?!

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cutekids · 29/01/2007 16:49

he tells me he isn't....!
he says he's embarrassed...
he's sorry....!
i love him. i'm probably mad but I do.
after weighing things up, I don't want this to destroy my marriage.
trouble is, i do sometimes think it could destroy me....other days, i cope better with it.
i feel very,very hurt and i have to say i do tend to throw it back in his face sometimes.
i told him that the deception was the worst part.thing is,that's the bit that he doesn't seem to understand...being a man!
EG:he was supposed to have given up smoking last year. i know it was a struggle but he said he was doing it.a couple of weeks ago,he comes home from a few days away and the bag he takes with him absolutely stunk of smoke. i said,"that bag stinks".
he looked straight at me and said," i was just thinking that. it must be from when i was smoking. it needs a good wash."
That was the end of that until....as i tend to do now,i looked at his expense receipts and notice the fags at the end of a couple of them.he admitted he was still smoking but hadn't wanted to upset me by telling me...! I know in comparison it's fairly trivial, but it was the LIES that hurt. (as my grandmother used to say,"you can catch a thief,you can't always catch a liar"!!!