feeling depressed cyber cheating husband

[Emz25]

hi

i've suffered from depression before and i didn't realise till after it was post natal.
i've been doing well for a while though. everything between my husband and i have been going better than ever any we had baby number 3. its been 2 yrs since she was born and things have gone really well this time that is of course till beginning of dec when i found out my DH has been having cyber sex and webcamming behind my back. i have quickly fallen into depression again and i don't understand why he did this as like i said everything seemed to be great and he never showed any signs of problems.
i feel so betrayed that he made me believe everything was so great when it quite clearly was not if he felt the need to do this and lie about why he was staying up late.
i just don't know what to do. i hate him for making me feel like this and i'm finding it hard to cope with DD2 now and i don't want to feel like this i was moody with my first DD and DS through depression and i don't want my DD to see me like this. Does anyone think this is just normal depression or delayed post dep triggered by my trauma and what do i do about DH? i am finding it hard to forgive and have worries that he will progress to a full blown affair next. i can't trust him anymore when he made me believe our marriage was so trouble free and loving, when there is quite obviously cracks on his side anyway

[Emz26]

that is true
idioit i should tell him that and burst his bubble

[mumto3girls]

I'm glad he's given it up. I don't think that every man who does this actually goes on to want affairs. To be honest that's half the attraction isn't it...being naughty without actually having to leave the house and betray the wife ( although it is betraying you, it just doesn't seem to feel like that to them.)


Also..these 'girls' don't need 'warming up'. They don't need respect or love. They don't talk about the kids, the gas bill, the queue in Tesco's etc etc.. a man's fantasy - a woman that just is up for sex without the hum drum. But it's not real is it. When their webcam is switched off they probably have to stick the washig on, get the kid's uniform sorted and do the ironing....but your DH and others don't have to share that bit do they?

[Emz26]

to be fair he has given it up!
for now anyway i found out for defo in dec just before xmas it had been going on for a few mths before that (that i know of anyway)
he hasn't done it since but i didn't know about the cam untill a couple of weeks ago i went into his msn messenger account and found contacts with rude names thats how i knew he was on the cam or at least watchin them thats what brought all the feelings back since xmas and made it worse these were real girls now not just some chat in a room!- i know a bit about this coz like i said i have been innocently in chatrooms before the lad or girl ask you to leave the chat room and go on messenger so you can view webcams coz it doesn't work in the chatrooms! you can have private chats within the chat rooms so even though he denies it, there is absolutely no reason why he would need to change from the chatroom to msn if they weren't using cams!
so he hasn't done anything since dec so time will tell if he does it again but i think he is just bidding his time to be honest for all this to blow over but then i am going to think that untill the trust comes back!
its horrible though because now i'm even paranoid that he wants a real affair and the webcam was just a taster!
Ineed Advice said this too and like she said he prob won't! i just hope that is true!

[mumto3girls]

Exactly Emz...tell him that his interest in it and inability to give it up has sparked your curiousity. So you have decided that what's good for him must be good for you...
Tell him perhaps it will make your sex life better if you get to experience new 'cyber partners' too.
He doesn't have to know you're doing nothing..

If it doesn't stop him at least you'll have made him squirm for a while and hopefully understand thye insecurities he is making you feel.

[Emz26]

oh defo well that was what i said when i found out - i said you would go mad if i did that
he said erm probably
but he would about 3 yrs ago i went in the msn chat rooms before they were closed
i didn't do anything just talked and he was there because our pc is in the living room (why he did it at bedtime!)
anyway one of these fellas came on asked me if i wanted to 'cyber' DH said don't you dare!
as if i would anyway after that he didn't even want me having male online penpals - as innocent as it was i stopped speaking to them as it made no difference to me my husband came first and i thought it was quite funny actually

so yeah that was the first thing i said i think he had forgotten about that because he looked up then looked away as he must have realised.
he just sulked after that

but its a good one!

maybe i should dress up and stuff and pretend i am just to see his face so when he walks in it'll look like i am!

he he he wicked! i like it LOL

[mumto3girls]

If all else fails to get through to him why not ask him if you can have a go...? Tell him you're going to do your hair and makeup and put on your sexiest undies and the webcam is yours for the night..put up a DO NOT DISTURB sign and tell him he's on childcare duty whilst you play the cyber-field...
I bet he'd hate it!! Then he'd know how you feel.

[Emz26]

thanks i found another one thats how i caught him in the first place!

i have changed my nickname to emz26 (if it works) i was 26 a couple of wks ago so thought i'd update it!

i'm feeling a lot better today still sad but not as desperate as i felt yesterday, Thank god!

i think its helped talking to all of you and getting things of my chest! i just pray this is the turn around and the way up and i don't relapse again tomorrow or something
sop thank you

i hope your ok today cutekids you've been a good friend and thanks for your words of wisdom IneedAdvice!

[paulaplumpbottom]

This won't help emotionaly but have you considered netnannyor cybersitter? I know its not a solution but might help a bit for peace of mind.

[Emz25]

thanks i ned advice
DH hasn't done any grovelling yet and like cutie's DH doesn't seem to understand the extent
i hope we can come through this too because like you i love him, want to grow old with him and he too is the father of my 3 children
but i couldn't live in the knowledge that he was still doing it - it kills me now i don't know how i would cope if i knew it was continuing

[Emz25]

i feel exactly the same cutie
i don't want to destroy my marriage either but then i think well he doesn't seem to care if he didn't do it then there wouldn't be a problem so really its them that are creating the problem!

i don't know what to do

i understand what you mean about the lies that is the worst and i think thats whats damage the trust the most if he can hide that and lie to my face like that how can i ever trust him again

i haven't deleted msn only his account why should i suffer i talk to my brother on that who lives in scotland!

what is this 12 step program and where do you go for it xenia?

i do think he has a problem

[INeedAdvicePlease]

Don't sell it.... SMASH the bloody thing, as advised further down thread!! ANd be sure delete all traces of MSN Messenger.

[INeedAdvicePlease]

Hello.. excuse nickname, it's my "name for discussing-DH's-past-beastly-behaviour" and I've signed in using it just to offer moral support to you both and any one else in this horrible situation.

No real gems of wisdom to offer, just to say, as someone said below, you CAN get past this, but he has to understand what he needs to do in order to make this possible. I think you (unfortunately) have to live with the risk of relapses but it does get better and easier. It's not fair and it makes me very angry all over again when I read these threads. Who do they have to do it! WHY? It's all so unecessary and very very hurtful to the woman. It makes you doubt them in almost every way and suspect them of things that they later turn out to be completely innocent of, all because we have been forced to accept that they can lie through their teeth when they want to, just to cover up their own pathetic behaviour. So how the hell are we to know when they are telling the truth??

I hope I have made it very clear to my DH now that I cannot and WILL not put up with any more of this kind of behaviour. For a while, existing in complete misery and not knowing how to get through the days, (after he had promised it would never happen again and I kept finding evidence that it had ) I tried to convince myself that maybe this was what I had to accept if I wanted to be with him.. "at least he's not actually shagging other women" type thing... (although you do of course live in fear that maybe he has or will even if this is/was never the case). But in the end I felt the whole situation was destroying me. I felt I was losing myself in a pit of misery and fear and the stress of trying to soldier on as normal, with no appetite and no zest for life whatsoever, was just too much. I thought "I can't do this.." and started to consider how we could separate (it would be straight forward in our case.) Strangely enough, HE grovelled to me around this time; I never even TOLD him I was considering asking him to leave.. (until recently!) I didn't threaten or beg as I had in the past, I was quietly getting from day to day, telling no-one (I found it difficult to confide in my best friend and she is HIS friend too and it made HER hate him and unable to 'deal with him' normally!) wishing the whole nightmare would disappear and trying to talk myself into a state where I could end my marriage to a man I really did and do love, have always wanted to spend m whole life with, the father of my children (and a good father at that!) and who is, essentially, a good man, despite everything.

He went to great pains to reassure me over and over again that I mean the world to him and that he does not want to lose me and the kids and that he is through with "all that" and doesn't want to keep making me ill with stress. This was a couple of months ago now. I want to believe him and I have felt better for weeks now. I am hoping this is something we can put behind us but so much damage has been done. A couple of weeks ago I said to him "I was considering us splitting up in December, I was planning a life without you." Hard to say if he believed me. I'd like to think I shocked him with that remark. It is true after all.

I think it is the sort of thing you could look back on, when you are both old and grey, and still together (!) and see it as a "blip".. after all, some people can and do put affairs behind them and manage to have a strong and happy marriage afterwards. So I live in hope that I, and all the other women on here in the same position (we crop up regularly I can assure you!) are actually with men who manage to get their acts together, stop thinking with their dicks (excuse me but this is what they ARE doing when they behave like this) and realise without any shadow of a doubt what they could have lost.

Thinking of you. Stay strong.

[Judy1234]

There is a 12 step programme for internet addiction. It may not be fair to blame him but he should get help with it and you selling the web cam and deleting MSN from the computer this afternoon would be a good start.

[cutekids]

God!I hope i'm not depressing you more than you already are....!

[cutekids]

he tells me he isn't....!
he says he's embarrassed...
he's sorry....!
i love him. i'm probably mad but I do.
after weighing things up, I don't want this to destroy my marriage.
trouble is, i do sometimes think it could destroy me....other days, i cope better with it.
i feel very,very hurt and i have to say i do tend to throw it back in his face sometimes.
i told him that the deception was the worst part.thing is,that's the bit that he doesn't seem to understand...being a man!
EG:he was supposed to have given up smoking last year. i know it was a struggle but he said he was doing it.a couple of weeks ago,he comes home from a few days away and the bag he takes with him absolutely stunk of smoke. i said,"that bag stinks".
he looked straight at me and said," i was just thinking that. it must be from when i was smoking. it needs a good wash."
That was the end of that until....as i tend to do now,i looked at his expense receipts and notice the fags at the end of a couple of them.he admitted he was still smoking but hadn't wanted to upset me by telling me...! I know in comparison it's fairly trivial, but it was the LIES that hurt. (as my grandmother used to say,"you can catch a thief,you can't always catch a liar"!!!

[Emz25]

yeah thats what i think too he's only sorry he got caught! and i said the same why can't you ask me e.t.c e.t.c

is he still doing it then despite knowing how you feel? u said he has started deleting these things now too?!

[cutekids]

apparently,he was depressed when he started doing it....4 years ago!(at the time).
I don't for one minute think he was sorry. Just sorry he was caught. Now,like your hubbie,he deletes things straight off his phone and his pc.(although before this i had never bothered to look at either, I suddenly became very technical minded and figured out ways to get into both!)I asked him why he couldn't have sent me sex texts instead of this other person and he couldn't explain it.Even though he knew how lonely i was waiting for his calls at home whilst he'd obviously been doing this in hotel rooms.i don't think men think they're being unfaithful unless they are having physical sex with the other person. i felt i'd been betrayed. specially when i found a picture of his dick on his pc!!!!where the hell was he posting that! it ain't that big love!...sorry,i know how hurt i felt...still feel. it kills me inside sometimes but without a sense of humour i would't have survived this at all. so,just want you to know that i'm here if you ever want to talk. and i really do know how you feel at this moment in time.x

[Emz25]

did he give you any explanation cutie?

i don't understand why he would want to make me ill again either but then i think he thought he would never get caught - thought he was clever delete everything before he came to bed

[cutekids]

yes, men hate having to explain themselves don't they! in fact, they don't know how i'm sure!

[cutekids]

if it's any consolation at all,i am going through a very similar thing myself...except my hubbie was doing on the mobile phone (photos etc.).it hurts like hell - and i found out in September! - and i'm forever checking up on him which i never felt i had to do before. let's just hope time does heal. i too have suffered depression and couldn't believe my hubbie could send me right back under that big black cloud after i'd fought so hard to shake it off---with the help of medication at first and then because i was so determined never to go down that path again. i'm still shocked and hurt. but let's be strong shall we? easier said than done i know and just when you feel you're ok, something else happens to send you right back down again. i tell you what though, you learn to get stronger and stronger every day...just slowly.

[Emz25]

go to google type in loco parentis
its actually to monitor your kids online activities from these sexual preditors but works for catching anyone upto no good!

he knows i know i went mad at first then the depression set in and confusion like i said it was all good there was no need (not there should be ever) but we were doing well and like i said planning our last baby.

he just said sorry - he's an idiot- won't do it again - i love you - don't know why i did it - blah blah blah
i don't think i would feel this bad if he just told me the truth if its not my fault then explain what the reason is ya know
i just don't know what to do i wish i could walk out and teach him a lesson but that means tellin people and i feel ashamed i don't want family or close friends knowing

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

Smash up the web cam, tell him you've done it and delete MSN entirely from your system. Check regularly to ensure it's still gone. Educate yourself about history and cookies and tell him you've done that too. Tell him you can't and won't tolerate it and that if he wants to be with you he won't do it again. Time will heal but he HAS to be made to understand the damage he has done both to your relationship and peace of mind and he has to show he is committed to repairing this damage. Men are very good and putting their heads in the sand and carrying blythly on with their activities happy in the knowledge that they have no real intention of wrecking their marriages (from their point of view) and reassuring themsleves with what we "don't know" won't hurt us!

(((hugs)))

Sorry to be blunt and brief, in a hurry.

[jenwa]

So sorry to have made you write all that.
Why do they lye when they are so obviously going to get found out. I know my DH has been on the net and he deltes stuff and its obviouse he's looking at stuff he should not as always clears everything and it drives me insane. We dont have web cam so feel safe he is not doing that.
I Cant believe your OH is doing that though. I know its not actual sex but like you said as good as! Its still seeing it with other people (like going to a sex club and wanking whilst someone stripping in front of you)Its degrading and sad and why not just go to the batroom and have as wank! It would upset me especially like you say its happened in the past.

Does he know you know? What did he say?

Where do you get the software from to look up stuff?

[Emz25]

relate is £45 per hour

i don't know if its free through gp but i feel embarrassed having to tell gp it was only last mth i was getting conception advice! we were supposed to be planning our last baby!