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Original poster

i feel like im on self destruct

21 replies

happyfrown · 05/08/2016 21:17

my head is a mess, feel like I want to give up but cant let my kids down. last night I walked out the door, didn't go know where just sat out side for at least an hour. thoughts of suicide racing. thoughts of my laughing daughter inside turning to tears if I never walk back in.
just have no one to talk to even if I did who would understands me?
I don't want to die and leave my kids grieving but there don't seem any other choice other than pills to cover my mental health.

OP posts:
Danity856 · 05/08/2016 22:13

Do you feel it is genuinely your mental health? That this is a hormonal balance problem? Or is there something that has been affecting you?

Original poster
happyfrown · 05/08/2016 22:37

I have mental health issues, I have citalopram. not sure why I came on here I guess I was just reaching out.

OP posts:
Findmuckery · 05/08/2016 22:40

Hi there happyfrown I hope you're feeling a bit better now Flowers Cake

Original poster
happyfrown · 05/08/2016 22:48

not really :-( don't know how to make things better

OP posts:
Findmuckery · 05/08/2016 22:49

Are you able to say why you feel so down?

Original poster
happyfrown · 05/08/2016 23:02

just hate myself, how I look how I act. find everyday so hard to get through without wishing I never wake up. its sad because I know theres people fighting for there life who cherish theirs. I feel such a waste.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyfrown · 05/08/2016 23:02

just hate myself, how I look how I act. find everyday so hard to get through without wishing I never wake up. its sad because I know theres people fighting for there life who cherish theirs. I feel such a waste.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyfrown · 05/08/2016 23:05

I have so much on my mind and when some one asks whats up its s hard to explain.

OP posts:
Broken1Girl · 05/08/2016 23:06

Flowers Been there. (Almost am).
It's good that you reached out. Keep talking.

Findmuckery · 05/08/2016 23:08

I'm sorry you feel like that. Is there anyone you can talk to? Have you got any support? Life can be pretty tough at times.

Findmuckery · 05/08/2016 23:12

happyfrown you don't have to explain anything but as broken1 says keep on talking....a lot of us have felt like you

Original poster
happyfrown · 05/08/2016 23:13

I struggle every day not to give up on my kids, I argue with myself to keep trying even tho I struggle to cope. I cant take them no where, go no family to visit. there is nothing. I have no emotions, cant hug them, play games. just cant. they deserve better.
I spend hours working on projects like obsessed with what ever it is, then regret i spent so much time with my head elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyfrown · 05/08/2016 23:20

i have body dysmorphia (not diagnosed) i hate myself so much. i feel so fat and ugly, make up don't do nothing. always disgusted with myself since childhood. i scratched the word ugly on myself last night and was so annoyed that it wasn't there this morning when i got up! then felt pathetic that it upset me.

OP posts:
Findmuckery · 05/08/2016 23:21

No emotions/hugs/feeling unworthy sounds like you're depressed and overwhelmed. Bringing up children is very hard and you need support. How old are your children? Have you got friends you can talk to? Would it be worth going to see your GP to discuss?

Original poster
happyfrown · 05/08/2016 23:24

im never normal im either down crying over life or fixated on a project that after weeks or months of working on realise i didn't need it or i don't like it then get low cos ive wasted money and time.

so sorry im must sound like a right drip

OP posts:
Findmuckery · 05/08/2016 23:28

happyfrown you don't sound like a drip at all!

Original poster
happyfrown · 05/08/2016 23:30

have always been this way, i don't do much physical contact.
they are nearly 15 and 12 and youngest 6. its very hard, i dot cope with mess very well, everything needs to be organised. but today ive done nothing ive left the house. had thoughts of burning it all down today :-(

i have 2 friends they know i struggle but i dot like to put my self on them.
been going gp for years was discharged from chmt last year. had a review last month and was told i need parenting classes.

OP posts:
Findmuckery · 05/08/2016 23:39

Teenagers and a six year old....It's the summer holidays too. It's not easy. You will get through OP but it sounds like you are harsh on yourself and I'm sure you're doing the best you can. I'm sure you're a lovely mum.

Original poster
happyfrown · 08/08/2016 15:04

im not a lovely mum, I get the basics done, keeping them clean and fed etc. birthdays / Christmas toys sweets if we passing a shop. that's just basic parenting. a lovely mum sits and does homework, plays game and tells them they love them, hug them. talk to them, all they get out of me is a anger and a grunt!
im tearing myself up right now stopping myself from calling my dss dad to go and take them full time. part of me feels like ive let them down if I do and I don't want them to think it was their fault (just like I do with my mum) but part of me feels I would be relieved Sad
my dd is very messy and demanding but she has been stuck to me her 6yrs of life Ive done everything it would destroy her if I left/ she went to live with her dad. I just feel so trapped.

ive not cleaned for days, plates cups and rubbish everywhere, its bothering me but I don't have energy to get up. spent whole day yesterday crying over people, life and a dirty house.
my dp needs to find some one else to to love cant have him as my mental carer any more her needs to live.
don't know what to do any more ive had all cbt I can and been refered back to gp

OP posts:
MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 08/08/2016 22:12

Forgive us barging in like this but we just wanted to let happyfrown know we're thinking of her Flowers

Findmuckery · 09/08/2016 07:51

Happyfrown Flowers for you. Hope you're ok

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