I think I've have BPD!

[NatalieMariaD]

I really feel I have BPD! Recently my cousin said to me she thinks I've always slagged people of behind there backs! This is not the case I feel she has the perception of me, due to are cousin who has always been very sly! She would tell my cousins I've been slagging them of growing up! Something I never actually did! I've always been a victim of bully's from my cousins taking the Micky out of me saying I was a stiff, or I'd been kissing ugly boy's! From my brother making my life hell to the boys at school primary and high school! To my best friend at school she would say was a joke! Even when she got me punched in the face! So the slagging of people behind there back! I don't slag them I talk about the person in question to someone I trust normally my mum or trusted friend! This is to get there honest opinion as my head cant understand why my so called friends are treated me this way! I just look the wiredo all the time! Examples of some of the ways I've been hurt buy my family and friends over the years! Firstly me and my cousin were very close always hung out together yet she asked are other cousin to be her bridesmaid, the sly gel crafty one who I could write a book on the stuff she has done! But nobody would believe me, again it's Nat the bitch slagging people of as always! Am always the bitter gel one! In people's eyes! Even though I am a very loving person fall in love with people so easily. I always get hurt make bad choices in friends my so called best friend recently been slagging me of to my brother! Yet I've forgiven her over the years for how she's treated me! It's always me who travels to see everyone always have! Nobody ever does it back! Another friend dropped me when I had server depression after I had my third son! She didn't want me bursting her bubble as she just had a baby girl! Fast forward five or six years! I wrote to her we spoke about the past she told me she was sorry that she hadn't understanding how to help or what was up me! I suffer gender disorder! Anyway we made friends I went up to her daughter birthday party her Christmas party! She never invited me to any of the nights out with all the old group! I ended up breaking my knee! I texted my friends none of them was there for me! My so called best friend has still not seen me! I do all the chasing with my friends! The friend who dropped me after my third son cancelled two year in a row my sons birthday party! And mine most stupid excuses! This really really hurts, I go on face book see pictures her with her new friend going on picnics nights out picture with all the presents she has bought her! So when my cousin said you have no friends because you slag every one of! No not st all am a loyal friend try so hard with friends people but people always take the piss out of my good nature nobody will go out for my birthday come see me when am ill! Because am a soft touch I've never been the cool one my brothers still take the piss out of me now! My mum and dad have goes at me if there not happy something I've done or not done! Because I never stand up for myself! This eats me up my other cousins are all coop confident girls they have a massive following! Not me no matter how hard I've tried! I have a three good friends two have moved away now! My other two I don't see often but they are genuinely nice ladies! Not like the friends I've had in the past! There the ones who only have friends running around after them never there for me! Yet they would be there for there other friends because they no if they wasn't they would fall out with them, were I'd just keep forgiving! Well not anymore hence why I don't have many friends! Because now I have dropped them am not being hurt any more am not begging for friends anymore! I just don't get why am treated like this! Maybe am too honest too needy have to many problems I don't know the answer! Me and my sister in law were good friends always went out together! I even turned a blind eye to her kissing a guy in front me! Because am loyal and a trusted friend! However soon as I moved she dropped me for her new friends didn't even invite me on her hen do! Pinched my idea for my wedding! Guess what I still forgave her she stole stuff of me in the past still forgave her! Same with my best friend till the slagging me of to my brother! I hate myself have my whole life I live very unhappy life! Now I no I must be mentally ill because nobody else likes me ither! I wish I was everyone but myself wish I had everybody else's life but my own ! I've done lots of online test that indicates I have BPD and serve dyslexia! I also grieve for a DD and this messes me up! Am a girlie girl! I don't understand boys! I love them all but feel angry why haven't I got a girl! Why am I always cursed with bad luck! I have days I cry were I can't breathe! When I can't cope with a situation at home with the kids or partner I cry go hysterical! I talk to friends about my troubled relationship and home life for advice! Not to slag anyone off if I can't understand why or what to do! I am certainly no bitch! Of course I have a bitch from time to time! Good god am only human but as for me being this horrible person who slags Everyone of not the case! Am so like my mum she is the same! We're vey honest so if someone hurts us we speak out! The quite sly ones who have all friends! We're your heart on your sleeve and your a bitch! Am like an open book tell everyone everything. My mum would call my dad to use growing up because she couldn't cope with his drinking! I do it my partner I speak openly if am pissed of with someone who has hurt me or I feel as wronged me! So I guess I will always be the bad guy the bitch! Say nothing but fake sweet stuff everyone will love you be your friend! But I can't be like that am to honest! I feel am going mad am so damaged in my head from life the life's exsperences and choices I've made! Am a 36 year old in married women with four boys! Only ever wanted a daughter! I've dreamed of getting married since being a small girl still not happened nobody wants to know nobody is interested! I can't organise anything what I've read sounds like because of the dyslexia! Maybe I come across as poor me but not always had happy times threw out my life! Just what life throws at you! I want to make my life happy and good! I don't know how I struggle to get out the house now all my kids are at school! As I've been a stay at home mum for 14 years! So this doesn't help meeting and making friends!

[AliceScarlett]

Some people can choose to behave in a useful, helpful way to manage bpd, whereas others have not been given the tools (DBT/STEPPS) or lack the resources to make those choices in the first place. No one wants to be in crisis a lot of the time, but for some they don't know how to be. I'm so grateful for DBT, but it's a battle everyday, and it doesn't mean I wasn't traumatised or that I don't have a good reason to feel the way I do. It just means I was invested in and I was able to step up and crawl my way "out".

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

I apologise if my last post was agressive, I certainly dodnt mean to offend anyone. My angers lies with psychiatry but is difficult to contain.

The label itself is blaming. It suggests a fundamental flaw with someonones personality. And dbt seeks to treat these flaws. Im pleased dbt has helped you but this isnt the case for everyone. What if we could have a service where people could access individual trauma informed support without the damaging label and then without the life changing stigma.

Psychiatry presents this as an illness and the public accept that. However if you think about the construct of physical illness, labels describe symptoms, predict prognosis and determine treatment. In mh it is completely invalid. 100 people could have different symptoms, respond to different treatments and have completely different prognosis. There is no medical test to prove it. In my mind bpd does not exist. It is a construct created to suit those in power.

Im not questionning the suffereing. I know, I have lived through extreme mental distress over a decade. The label has damaged me and I have had to put more effort into recovering from my experiences in hospital than the trauma that damaged me in the first place.

Im not sure im presenting my point very well. Its a tough subject to write about on a mobile phone! I accepted the diagnosis for a long time but thinking in this new way has been life changing. Read/look up jacqui Dillon, john read, Eleanor longdon, lucy johnstone for a more articulate way of putting it.

[NatalieMariaD]

I do definitely think it stems from childhood trauma. My oh says I behave like a child in situations, I scream go hysterical over things that happen. So does my mum. I don't deal with anything rastionaly, I suffer terrible anxiety if I have to deal with a situation, I've never matured from childhood. Are home life was stressful my mum and dad loved us but couldn't cope. We're was strapped if bad and my mum would scream go mad. I remember seeing my dad thump my brother in the head also hit him across the face. Now my children are living the same life I did. In the past I've lost it hit my kids. Mainly my eldest son as I couldn't cope with his behaviour. I find a can't control my temper I say vile things to my partner and I can be nasty with boys. Like saying why have I got all these boys, am surrounded buy lazy men. All sorts come out I feel sick after at time am in this rage I'll scream about stuff in front of them to my oh, stuff children shouldn't hear. I've hit out my oh also. I am so emotional am up and down all the time. I will love people so much but if they hurt me I hate them. So when my oh is nice I love him so much it hurts, the next minute if he upsets me am moving out planning my escape I feel nothing but hatred. But if he's nice I love him again. My mum is exactly the same one minute she be prising a particular person how amazing how much she loves them. Next she can't stand them. My up bringing was mental the fighting got worse and worse as we grew up. It's still a disfunstional family now. Falling out my brothers and dad have fort in front of us as adults my dads battened me as a teenager. They never praised us always telling us of. I find it so hard to praise my kids. But I do try my mum and dad loved us they couldn't cope as parents with four children. Am same, i beat myself up everyday I just want a happy family life but can't seem to fix things. This why am so depressed me my oh argue all time he blames everything on me can't see any fault in himself.

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

We are a long way behing the HVN and their movement to challenge the comcept of schizophrenia but I think people are starting to talk about it at least. It will take a survivor movement in my opinion but too many people diagnosed accept the label and medical model as this is all that is presented.

Sorry to hijack your thread Natalie. I hope you get the support you deserve x

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

Rinoachicken and Tinklypoo both make very, very valid points. The outcome of a BPD diagnosis, for the most part, is in the hands of the sufferer. I developed it as a result of trauma, and as I said upthread, was misdiagnosed as bipolar type 1 for many years. The BPD diagnosis came a couple of months ago thanks to a brilliant psychiatrist who's observed me during various severe crisis situations - and periods of relative wellness - for the past 4 years. A decent amount of time.

It's a rubbish diagnosis that I rarely discuss outside the confines of an anonymous forum, but for me, it's given me a kind of hope that I'd never had previously. With the bipolar diagnosis, I felt doomed for life. I honestly believed I'd never be able to change anything, I turned to alcohol abuse in order to cope (which nearly cost me everything), and I couldn't make head nor tail of my completely irrational and extreme emotional responses.

The BPD diagnosis made me realise that the majority of my recovery was in my hands. Being able to identify the responses and traits that are abnormal has helped me immensely, and the need for control that so many BPD sufferers have has been my most helpful tool, as I now turn that desire for control into something constructive and use it to modify and process my more extreme behaviours.

Yes, my BPD was a response to ongoing trauma, same as many others on here. What it ISN'T, and never will be, is an excuse to perpetuate shitty attitudes and abuse towards others as an outlet for the damage caused by that trauma. Unlike bipolar disorder, BPD is something I CAN change the outcome of, and I'm fully committed to doing so. Yes, it's exhausting - relearning new behaviours until they become second nature is a long process, but with determination and accepting the help it takes to make those changes, it CAN be done.

[NatalieMariaD]

Thanks tinkypoo, I am going ring up see were I am at on the list for a new therapist.

[NatalieMariaD]

Really wish I could control my temper I let my oh wind me up! I come out the bad guy as I say vile things and swear horendous language. I can't control myself been like this since childhood when my brother would wind me up. I've never learnt to control my emotions. This is distroying me as can't stand the way my children have to live. My oh gives no support tells me am vile all time he never gives me any love all what I can give or do for him. Always putting me down. Making me feel so bad about myself. He blames everything on me. Told me tonight after pushing my buttons he's leaving me. As am evil and vile woman takes no responsibility for any of it. Am so down with it all. I know in my own mind it's not all me. But he just sees it that way no matter what I say. He is always the victim am always the bully, but I feel am just sticking up for myself giving my opinion. But he gets me so mad I shout my opinion back. All I want is a happy family life! Not this hell life! 😥

[coco1810]

Then why are you staying with him?

[NatalieMariaD]

The problem is he's my first love. I know he doesn't make me happy if I leave now I will have no chance or get married try to get my dd. He is type one diabetic so is up and down. He gets me so worked up but because I can't control myself say horrible stuff in my temper. So I feel terrible guilt I let myself loose it like I do every time. I cry most nights how confused upset I feel, my heart breaks for are children my 7 year old come back holiday today said he hasn't missed his dad one bit. Says he's a Finnish dad, told me if felt mad seeing all the children on holiday with there good dads. My oh been saying we will get married try for a dd for years no I feel time is running out am desperate seeing all these happy couples getting married I feel so rock bottom. My brother just got married in Greece my parents took my 7 year old. I feel so jel and upset wish was me for one with luck and happiness seems everyone is happy around me. My mum gets upset she wants to see me happy she has cml she knows how short life is.

[davos]

I am not trying to be shitty, when I ask this.

But why on earth would you even consider bringing another child into this. A child that has a 50% of being a boy. Even if it is a girl, it won't magically fix anything. And that sort of pressure shouldn't be on a child. Your gender disappointment, is your issue. Don't make it a child's problem.

The relationship sounds awful, from both of you. You think you may have BPD (have you called GP/anyone yet) and yet want to get married and have another baby, even though you admit the impact on the kids you already have has been immense.

[NatalieMariaD]

Am on a waiting list for therapy!

[davos]

But you need to speak to someone if you think you have BPD. The therapy will possibly be different.

[Rinoachicken]

I'm afraid I agree with Davos, now does not sound the right time to be making big life changes, like getting married or having another baby, which might be a boy and even if it's a girl won't change anything (and shouldn't be expected to).

[coco1810]

Not every couple you see may actually be happy. You need to be happy in yourself to be happy with someone else. Marriage will not repair an already fractured relationship.

[PurpleDaisies]

My oh been saying we will get married try for a dd

You cannot try for a dd. You try for a baby. If you are not totally happy to have either sex, you should not be trying for a baby. I'd question the wisdom of this plan while things are so obviously chaotic in your relationship. Please get the ray first and think about another child later on.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

You say you are so desperately sad and feel guilty you cannot be the mother you'd like to be for your children. You sound very worried about the effect your behavior has on them.

But simultaneously you are desperate to bring another child into that same situation.

What do you actually think you should do in this situation? Is your need to have a baby girl more important than the needs your sons have as children having in this situation? And have you thought about the needs of a new baby, and how you will meet those needs?

I am very familiar with that yearning for a new baby, it's really a strong urge. But you do need to be rational and think about the existing little people who've brought into the world.

Good luck OP.