I think I've have BPD!

[NatalieMariaD]

I really feel I have BPD! Recently my cousin said to me she thinks I've always slagged people of behind there backs! This is not the case I feel she has the perception of me, due to are cousin who has always been very sly! She would tell my cousins I've been slagging them of growing up! Something I never actually did! I've always been a victim of bully's from my cousins taking the Micky out of me saying I was a stiff, or I'd been kissing ugly boy's! From my brother making my life hell to the boys at school primary and high school! To my best friend at school she would say was a joke! Even when she got me punched in the face! So the slagging of people behind there back! I don't slag them I talk about the person in question to someone I trust normally my mum or trusted friend! This is to get there honest opinion as my head cant understand why my so called friends are treated me this way! I just look the wiredo all the time! Examples of some of the ways I've been hurt buy my family and friends over the years! Firstly me and my cousin were very close always hung out together yet she asked are other cousin to be her bridesmaid, the sly gel crafty one who I could write a book on the stuff she has done! But nobody would believe me, again it's Nat the bitch slagging people of as always! Am always the bitter gel one! In people's eyes! Even though I am a very loving person fall in love with people so easily. I always get hurt make bad choices in friends my so called best friend recently been slagging me of to my brother! Yet I've forgiven her over the years for how she's treated me! It's always me who travels to see everyone always have! Nobody ever does it back! Another friend dropped me when I had server depression after I had my third son! She didn't want me bursting her bubble as she just had a baby girl! Fast forward five or six years! I wrote to her we spoke about the past she told me she was sorry that she hadn't understanding how to help or what was up me! I suffer gender disorder! Anyway we made friends I went up to her daughter birthday party her Christmas party! She never invited me to any of the nights out with all the old group! I ended up breaking my knee! I texted my friends none of them was there for me! My so called best friend has still not seen me! I do all the chasing with my friends! The friend who dropped me after my third son cancelled two year in a row my sons birthday party! And mine most stupid excuses! This really really hurts, I go on face book see pictures her with her new friend going on picnics nights out picture with all the presents she has bought her! So when my cousin said you have no friends because you slag every one of! No not st all am a loyal friend try so hard with friends people but people always take the piss out of my good nature nobody will go out for my birthday come see me when am ill! Because am a soft touch I've never been the cool one my brothers still take the piss out of me now! My mum and dad have goes at me if there not happy something I've done or not done! Because I never stand up for myself! This eats me up my other cousins are all coop confident girls they have a massive following! Not me no matter how hard I've tried! I have a three good friends two have moved away now! My other two I don't see often but they are genuinely nice ladies! Not like the friends I've had in the past! There the ones who only have friends running around after them never there for me! Yet they would be there for there other friends because they no if they wasn't they would fall out with them, were I'd just keep forgiving! Well not anymore hence why I don't have many friends! Because now I have dropped them am not being hurt any more am not begging for friends anymore! I just don't get why am treated like this! Maybe am too honest too needy have to many problems I don't know the answer! Me and my sister in law were good friends always went out together! I even turned a blind eye to her kissing a guy in front me! Because am loyal and a trusted friend! However soon as I moved she dropped me for her new friends didn't even invite me on her hen do! Pinched my idea for my wedding! Guess what I still forgave her she stole stuff of me in the past still forgave her! Same with my best friend till the slagging me of to my brother! I hate myself have my whole life I live very unhappy life! Now I no I must be mentally ill because nobody else likes me ither! I wish I was everyone but myself wish I had everybody else's life but my own ! I've done lots of online test that indicates I have BPD and serve dyslexia! I also grieve for a DD and this messes me up! Am a girlie girl! I don't understand boys! I love them all but feel angry why haven't I got a girl! Why am I always cursed with bad luck! I have days I cry were I can't breathe! When I can't cope with a situation at home with the kids or partner I cry go hysterical! I talk to friends about my troubled relationship and home life for advice! Not to slag anyone off if I can't understand why or what to do! I am certainly no bitch! Of course I have a bitch from time to time! Good god am only human but as for me being this horrible person who slags Everyone of not the case! Am so like my mum she is the same! We're vey honest so if someone hurts us we speak out! The quite sly ones who have all friends! We're your heart on your sleeve and your a bitch! Am like an open book tell everyone everything. My mum would call my dad to use growing up because she couldn't cope with his drinking! I do it my partner I speak openly if am pissed of with someone who has hurt me or I feel as wronged me! So I guess I will always be the bad guy the bitch! Say nothing but fake sweet stuff everyone will love you be your friend! But I can't be like that am to honest! I feel am going mad am so damaged in my head from life the life's exsperences and choices I've made! Am a 36 year old in married women with four boys! Only ever wanted a daughter! I've dreamed of getting married since being a small girl still not happened nobody wants to know nobody is interested! I can't organise anything what I've read sounds like because of the dyslexia! Maybe I come across as poor me but not always had happy times threw out my life! Just what life throws at you! I want to make my life happy and good! I don't know how I struggle to get out the house now all my kids are at school! As I've been a stay at home mum for 14 years! So this doesn't help meeting and making friends!

How old are your children?

Thank you

The test did come back dyslexia! I can't do maths or read probably I can't remember anything I've learnt get words mixed up! Can't understand charts have count the clock every time I tell the time! All says it's dyslexia

Online tests are very crude though. They can have very low specificity (so they might pick up dyslexia correctly but also pick up a range of other conditions or difficulties and incorrectly call them dyslexia). Tbh the only thing I would ever do with an online test is to use it to identify where there might be a problem or difficulty and then seek out proper professional advice. The internet is very seductive but can be completely rubbish a lot of the time.

You need to have your difficulties correctly identified by a professional to work out whether it is dyslexia and BPD or caused by something else entirely (I can think of a range of possibilities). Your GP would be your first stop.

I agree. Please go to see a professional.

I am sorry, I did not mean to judge you- I was just commenting on the way you write with an exclamation mark at the end of every sentence- if you just put a full stop every time you want to put an exclamation mark, it will be absolutely fine. Otherwise it does come across chaotic and hectic. Your grammar and spelling is very very good for someone with dyslexia, whether that is predictive text or not. With the block of text, if you just hit the return key to break it into more manageable chunks, it makes it much easier to read. Again, this is not a criticism- it's to make it easier for you to get advice. Otherwise, people might not bother replying if they can't read the original post. For example, I feel quite overwhelmed if I see a block of text and find it very hard to follow what is going on. Others might have the same issue.

You can start a new topic in mental health and there will be people who will have direct experience of BPD and will be able to help you more there.

All my doctors do is refer me for councling! I put the ! To beak up my sentence I don't understand what ;:(/!'" Any of the marks are for or how to paragraph stuff! Before predictive text people couldn't even read my writing! I wish I new what is wrong with me! Am so stupid so confused all the time!

Am just desperate to get a diagnosis so I can get help understand why am like this!

I have good grammar and spelling really without any of the grammar needed to make sense of it! Without the predictive text I can't spell even the marks get put in for you!

Instead of ! Just use .

Your post does suggest BPD. I am now expert, but have a close family member who is BPD.

Speak to your GP about your concerns.

In my experience you will see things very differently when you get it under control. My relative often felt everyone was against her, walking all over her etc while she stood and took it.

From everyone else's point of view she was a very difficult person to include in things and often had no idea her behaviour was upsetting people. I have heard it called disordered thinking and think it suits quite well.

Also try speaking to your local branch of MIND.

Also I was diagnosed with dyslexia at 18. Years later it became clear it wasn't. I had meningitis when I was 16 and my brain was damaged, but this was picked up in my twenties. Although the effect is similar, it's not actually dyslexia.

Do not assume anything from a internet diagnosis. Sometimes even doctors and specialists get it wrong, so the Internet will certainly get it wrong too.

I couldn't find were to post in mental health. So I started I new post as adviced, I can see why people want want to read my block, just don't know how to write things out etc,

You may, you may not? No, it's not very helpful but neither is diagnosing yourself. I have BPD subtype Impulsive Borderline and don't self harm or share many of the 'traditional' traits of BPD found online, there's much more to it than just the behaviour you're currently describing. Can only echo what others have said which is that you need to speak to an actual doctor.

There are any amount of possible mental health conditions that could be covered by what you have described and mental health is not an exact science anyway so you might find multiple fits for your symptoms this is why diagnosis is so important.

The way most mental health assessments and diagnosis work, from my layperson experience, is that the diagnoser compares your specific issues to a set of standard criteria. However more importantly the diagnoser looks at the areas that are of most concern with your specific version of the condition(s) and puts together recommendations and strategies for dealing with your specific versions of the condition(s). This is why online diagnosis is almost useless for you. It will not enable you to prioritise your issues nor come up with the strategies treatments to best deal with them. You need to visit a mental health team and you need a GP referral to access that.

Best of luck.

You, quite rightly, won't get a diagnosis on here, or through online tests. The internet is the absolute devil in regards to convincing people they have diseases or disorders when they don't.

I have BPD and I can't say I can see much evidence of it in your (admittedly hard to read) post, but I'm not a MH professional. Your writing style reminds me of someone I know who has Histrionic Personality Disorder, but that means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Make an appointment with your GP, tell them what you've told us, and they may refer you to your local MH team.

I'm not saying for a second that you'll get a diagnosis - nobody here can promise that - and even with a referral it's likely to take many months before they even start to move towards making a diagnosis, if there's one to be made at all. It won't happen overnight, but they're much better equipped to help you develop coping strategies that work for you.

You are NOT being 'bullied' on here - I appreciate you're incredibly het up and agitated at the moment, but nobody is bullying you. Maybe this victim's mindset is contributing to the many issues you seem to have with family and acquaintances? I'm not judging, we're just trying to make sense of what you're saying, and what it is you want.

I actually feel tense reading your posts OP. Never mind how you must be feeling writing them.

It took nearly 10 years of my total chaos in my life, numerous assessments, different professionals and various medications before I finally had a diagnosis of BPD. You're not going to get anywhere trying to diagnose yourself with online quizzes or asking other people to do it for you. Go back to your doctor and ask for some counselling again.

"All my doctors do is refer me for councling!"

.... maybe they're suggesting that because they think it would be beneficial for you? Have you tried it?

I have never got very far with them because there is so much going on. Found i hoped I would get somewhere with the cognitive behavioural therapy. My partner says am a nut job. He says he doesn't know which person he will get threw out the day. Loving all over him or the one who is not speaking to him or the angry one the happy one misrule one. He said am crazy to live with I cry a lot because I don't know how to cope in this bran. He said friends run because am mental morning etc. One minute am planning on getting married the next am running away. I have days I can't get out of bed I only feel safe and happy in my bedroom. Some days i feel ok and go out others I try all day but can't. Most the time I hate myself feel people are hating me that they don't like me think am weird. I know it's true because my partner says it. If anything goes wrong it's like the end of the world to me. I may scream shout cry in past I hit myself even now I feel I could slit my throat I get so angry. I have no control over my emotions at all.

Natalie, you seem desperate for a label for your feelings and behaviours. What do you see as the benefits to having a label? Very likely your life will be much the same unless you are very serious about changing it.

Therapy takes a very long time and a lot of commitment. You seem to have written off counselling as of no use but it may be a really good place to start to work out what you want from obtaining a diagnosis and where that might lead you.

Do go and have a discussion with your GP, preferably one with an interest in MH and ask about a referral to the MH team. Also do consider trying the counselling, it may help you to access other services, too.

Sadly there are no magic wands. People will always have ways of upsetting you if you allow them to. The one thing you can change is your own mindset and reactions but it is hard work.

Good luck. Enjoy your lovely boys.

Are you on any medication? If you feel as bad as you suggest it may be worth considering whilst waiting for other support.

Because if I know what's wrong I can get the correct help. My friend is a nurse she told me correct diagnosis is key to getting best help to get well. She was a metal health nurse for years. Also I drive myself nuts not understanding why am like this as its not normal and I can't carry on like this not fair for my children.

So has she suggested BPD?

Of course you would want a label or diagnosis. For years many (including myself) called my brother a bit of a nutter, we said there was something not right and that he's crazy. He has bi-polar, undiagnosed for most of his life. Once you are diagnosed you can receive treatment, medication, counselling. You have to go to the docs again, get counselling, get treatment! I wish you all the luck in the world, it will change your life xx