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Mental health

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Original poster

Too many people to look after and my life's not my own

27 replies

ssd · 20/01/2007 17:30

As well as my kids, 5 and 8 yrs I look after my mum nearly 80. she lives alone and I'm the only one who can/does visit her. my siblings live 100's of miles away and visit her on average once a yr (less for my brother) it's all left to me. but also I'm the only one with young kids too and its all getting me down so often. my dh is brilliant but apart from him theres no one and I mean no one to help with the kids or mum. and having the 3 of them together is bloody draining.

I just feel totally like I've lost any identity/life I had, it all goes into making sure the kids are ok and mum is too and its more than full time job. I also work 3 part time jobs around the kids, but everythings left to me. I really resent my older brother and sister, they go on holiday abroad/weekends away and don't think for a minute to come up and see mum and take a bit of pressure off me, they are so fucking selfish. I hate them sometimes, i caould go on but who cares, I feel like I'm going to be founnd screaming one day, in fact feel like I'm screaming already and no one hears me. Don't ever wish my mum away or my kids grown up but just can't see me ever having a tiny bit of life again.

OP posts:

charliecat · 20/01/2007 17:31

Good grief, what an awful lot of pressure. I bet you dont get a moment to yourself.
Can you ask that your siblings take time out to give you a break?

Original poster

ssd · 20/01/2007 17:34

they said at xmas they would visit mum once a month to take off the pressure.

but now they can't, eg. can't take time off work/no holidays left/forgot they offered in the first place.

this has gone on for years and if I ever mention it I'm told I worry too much. as if all the worry isn't left to me.

sometimes I fucking hate them.

OP posts:

charliecat · 20/01/2007 17:39

I really dont blame you, would the words nursing home get them into action, even if you would never really go through with it?

charliecat · 20/01/2007 17:40

(sorry im not full of useful advice but its quiet on Saturdays on MN...didnt want you to go unheard)
You also need a round of applause for not going loopy if this has been going on for years.

NurseyJo · 20/01/2007 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Skyler · 20/01/2007 17:41

Oh goodness. Poor you. You sound exhausted and at the end of your tether. Is there any help you can get on a professional level for your Mum? How horrid for the rest of your family to be so utterly crap. That is dreadful. You need to tell them they have to step up. Take care.

Skyler · 20/01/2007 17:42

Xposted - A letter is a great idea.

Original poster

ssd · 20/01/2007 17:49

my sister wants mum to go into a home, has been wanting this for yrs.
this is so she'd be able to visit even less. she can't believe I'm leaving the decision up to mum, who has full control of her mind. well sister did want her in a home until she realised she could but mums house, a council house, and then sell it for a huge profit. then the idea of a home went out the window. but when I asked what would happen if mum needed something done in the house and couldn't phone up the council anymore I was told I'm too negative. honest I could write a million more examples like that. like brother gave mum nothing for xmas so I had to wrap up the perfume he gave me and give it out to mum, how could I tell her her only son gave her nothing.

I could go on and on and on, some days like today it all gets too much for me. that added to the fact we've got no help with the kids is killing me. We've never had a Saturday wandering round the shops/ night away together/ afternoon even at home without them. that and all my mum stuff leaves me feeling like crying.

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Original poster

ssd · 20/01/2007 17:51

sorry I meant buy mums house, not but!

can't even spell now

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HermioneGranger · 20/01/2007 17:57

ssd, I think the advice re writing a letter to your siblings is very good.
Are there any places in local day centres where your mother could go to socialise? This would give you all a break.

Kittypickle · 20/01/2007 18:01

SSD, I'm not suprised you feel like you do. My Mum had her hip replaced a year ago when DS was 2 and DD 7. She lives round the corner so very close but it was a complete nightmare, I thought I was going to lose the plot over it. My brother was nowhere to be seen and I find it really hard to forgive him for not coming down on Christmas Day, 3 days after she got out of hospital. Luckily she is much younger than your Mum and now pretty back to her usual mobility and life has got hugely easier.

I feel if they are not prepared to make an effort with their time and come and see her, help her and take the pressure off you, then they should be coughing up financially to get help in for her. So that there is someone else to help her with all the bits that people that age need, then you spend the majority of time spent doing things that you both enjoy together.

It really really isn't fair that all this falls on you. Will your DH get involved in sorting them out ? Your brother and sister do sound like a complete nightmare, I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

Original poster

ssd · 20/01/2007 18:46

I've arranged for her to get a home help in twice a week, its free thru the council. brother pays her phone bill.

its her care and the kids, its all just getting me down.

dh knows what they are like, he's great but his family have their own issues to deal with.

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Original poster

ssd · 20/01/2007 18:58

this just goes round and round my head and I get nowhere

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fizzbuzz · 20/01/2007 19:06

Have so so been there hun, you have my deepest sympathy.

My mum was old, and I had youngish dc's, and my brother and sil really pulled their weight. I felt like I was going under all the time, and as work as a school teacher, the whole family including my mum would all wait for my holidays, so I could sort everything out. It was really really stressful. I know just how you feel.

You could arrange for more care through council, and I know there are carer's helplines you can contact to give you a break. Your Mum could go into respite care for a week or so to give you a breather.

Does your dp not have relatives who could help with dc's?

I really really feel sorry for you. Also I would go to GP's as they deal with this quite often, and often know about local support groups to help. I know there is a very local one to me, who posts a notice in GP's waiting room.

Thinking of you..

fizzbuzz · 20/01/2007 19:07

Does she get attendance allowance? That is a big help.

fizzbuzz · 20/01/2007 19:08

You are called the "sandwich generation". There is loads online about it.

fizzbuzz · 20/01/2007 19:30

What I also meant to say was I was struggling even with support of brother and sil, so you must feel pretty rotten right now.

It is all a muddle of guilt, anger, resentment and love isn't it?

Really feel for you.

Original poster

ssd · 20/01/2007 20:33

fb, your right it does feel like that.

mum does get attendance allowance which helps.

and I think I might be able to get her more home helps in. she's also nearly deaf and I need to get her a phone she can actually hear sorted, there's just so much to do.

dh has siblings, but the only one I trust works full time and actually is totally un child orientated. has never taken the kid sduring the day, the odd(very odd) nught out but thats it.dh's mum too old, dad not here (same as my dad)

I hadn't actually thought of a support group, didn't know these things exist. would my doctor know more then? haven't ever thought of that. I think even just speaking to someone in my situation would help as I don't know anyone with such an old mum/ and young kids too.

Have heard of the term sandwich generation, it too true.

thanks for posting!

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cori · 20/01/2007 21:05

I used to be a 'carers support worker' . Try contacting your local Age concern they may be able to give you some advice on support that is available for you. Also you could try the carers association. www.carersuk.org/

fizzbuzz · 20/01/2007 21:14

I only knew one other person like me at the time, and I know she found it hard, but she had tonnes of energy.

I think perhaps you need to visit your doctor for help with stress, and they may be able to suggest something to help your mum. Just go and nosey in the surgery waiting room, there are always loads of leaflets and posters in my surgery

Since I posted someone else has come on with stuff. Age concern would be helpful, I know they have clubs and stuff for elderly people. The truoble for me was my mum didn't want to go to things like that, she thought they would be full of old people!

Original poster

ssd · 21/01/2007 09:56

my mum is exactly the same! she doesn't want to go to any clubs etc for that reason!!

in fact she's getting that she doesn't really want to leave the house now, I think she's content to just read and watch tv.

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fizzbuzz · 21/01/2007 10:04

I actually found it quite stressful that she wouldn't go, as it makes you feel even more responsible.

However I do think it is part of growing old. My mum was an incredibly independent person,who refused to rely on anyone, but towards the end of her life, she totally relied on me and my brother. Very sad, but I do think it is part of growing old.

I hope you feel a bit better today. Don't you have any friends who can take your dc's for an afternoon,or can't they go and play at a friends house just to give you a bit of a break?

fizzbuzz · 21/01/2007 10:11

Also what used to make me angry was I felt my mum was stealing some of my dc's time with me. I know that is a terrible thought, and I hate myself for thinking it, but the amont of time I had to drag ds round hospitals, doctors etc, and he would tolerate it a bit, and then start moaning.

As I said I really feel for you, don't jnow what you can do with horrid brother or sister. Could you call a family meeting and sort it all out?

Original poster

ssd · 21/01/2007 18:14

your mum sounds exactly the same as mine! very independant but then dependant on you more and more as they get old.

one of my dc's was out today but the other one was at home, tbh as they are only 5 and 8 a playdate only lasts about a 1-2 hours, I wouldn't expect anyone to take them longer, and it never happens that they have playdates at the same time!!

my brother and sister do drive but mad but honestly they are so oblivious its scary. I'm just so glad mum has me as she'd be one of these old folk left alone for weeks on end without any family coming near her.

thanks for replying on here, as I said no one I know has my unique problem, it has happened as I was a late baby to elderly parents and I have very selfish, thoughtless siblings.
It helps to talk to someone who's been there.

OP posts:

fizzbuzz · 21/01/2007 18:22

Don't they ever go to sleepovers?

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