Borderline Personality Disorder

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I've been reading a lot about this and fit so many of the characteristics of it, been on ADs for years, and always assumed I had severe chronic depression. Can I just walk into my Dr and say I think I have it? Does anyone know what is involved with a diagnosis?

Kitty, long before I was diagnosed, a former friend did something I massively disagreed with that caused a lot of harm. DH tried to play devil's advocate, and I absolutely exploded at him because there was NO WAY what my friend had done could be rationalised, excused, or explained away. Now I'm wondering how much of the scale of that reaction - although very much justified - was down to the BPD.

I have to be very conscious of how I respond or react to things too, to the point where I'm bloody shattered mentally. I have to stamp hard on my immediate reactions a lot of the time, because my temper is 0 to 60 in about 3 seconds.

I do get fed up of constantly having to rationalise and reevaluate things in my head before I open my mouth, but I guess the fact that we even bother to try doing that means that all hope is not lost, and we're doing our best with it all.

My suicidal thoughts are fleeting, it's not something I sit and contemplate, but I'm just so tired of the struggle. But I have 2 small boys aged 6 and 3 who need me desperately, I would never take my life.

Whether it's an 'episode' or an escalation of your depression, you definitely do need to talk to your GP and be referred to your CMHT, even for talking therapies if your GP thinks it would help. These things tend not to go away on their own, and it's sometimes a rock bottom crisis that leads to a proper diagnosis rather than being fobbed off with whatever the ssri of the day is.

If it is BPD it's not the end of the world and many people live normal everyday lives whilst living with it. I call it my wonky brain and my children know when I'm not having a good day and know I might be a bit more tired or irritable or teary because of it. It's not the end of the world.

MyGast, I totally get how you feel, being so tired of the struggle.

It took a rock bottom crisis for me to get rediagnosed. The crisis team were completely hopeless, it took a week of me being suicidal and being batted around between various 'professionals' before my psychiatrist intervened (it's a very long wait for psych appointments where I live).

Definitely go to your GP and ask for a referral. Whether it's BPD or something else, you definitely, definitely need someone to listen to you

Beauty it's so refreshing talking to someone else who knows how hard general life can be!

Gast I get what you're saying about your suicidal feelings, I sometimes feel the same way.

I would suggest talking therapy, I won't 'cure' you or solve your diagnosis (if you do have bpd) but it might release a bit of the pent up frustrations and feelings.

Kitty, talking to you has been a massive relief, it really has - reading some of your replies, I let out a huge sigh and thought 'Me too. Thank god it's not just me'.

I feel almost like a young child sometimes, having to learn what's normal and acceptable, and learning to rein in instinctive behaviours that other people might find hurtful or upsetting.

Yep,I'm the same. I think I've become quite good at it, some 'normal' responses have become almost automatic but it takes so much effort.

The black and white thinking and the not dealing with emotions is really hard. I try not to dwell too much on who I am and my identity but it is almost no existent. I am doing some pretty heavy therapy atm to dal with my recent losses but it has brought up a whole load or bpd stuff too.

I've always thought I was different to other people, now I know I am and why (it's good to know how my traumatic past has effected me) and that I'm not alone, there are other out there that struggle with things that others seem to find so easy and simple.

Is extreme impatience a thing with BPD too? I lose patience with people very quickly, especially if they're talking but not getting to the point fast enough. I've been blunt to the point of rude over it in the past. Any kind of waffling really sets me on edge, I want people to say what they need to say in as few words as possible - I'm only like this with spoken conversations though! Am I just being a dick?

Oh god, I don't know but I get that too. I'm usually not blunt (I'm a real over the top people pleaser) but I tend to drift off and zone out or I interrupt and finish their sentence or point off for them. I hear myself and think 'oh god how annoying/rude' but I find it so hard to focus and not get all twitchy when people waffle on.

I grew up with my dad who is the worlds biggest faffer so maybe daily exposure to it has helped me develop coping mechanisms (I love my dad btw!)

I tend to drift off and zone out or I interrupt and finish their sentence or point off for them - yes! All the time!

Haha, my dad's exactly the same, and my DH - if faffing was an Olympic event, they'd be in heated (but dithery) competition

God, I interrupt all the time too!

And I don't know if anyone else ever gets this, it's just so weird; but sometimes I'll hear a piece of music and it makes me feel embarrassed??

Is it a specific piece of music, Gast? Or is it a completely spontaneous reaction?

No, not a specific piece, but if I react to it that way, I then react the same whenever I hear it. It's bizarre.

Omg! I've just gushed to dh about how good it is to talk to people who 'get' it 😄 Maybe we should start a bpd thread in mental health!

My dh is pretty good at not faffing but my dd1 is taking after my dad, and she's 3! I spend half my life gritting my teeth and gently encouraging her to get a fucking move on!

Gast I sometimes actual annoy myself and cringe at how much I interrupt but I can't stop myself! Does hearing any of this help at all? I think it's nice to hear from other people with bpd who aren't in permanent crisis like the 'classic' view. Actually lots of us can and do function very well in life and can be happy (kind of). It just takes so much effort. I honestly think the reason I'm a bit better than I used to be is that I've slowed life down, work part time and have got good and trying not to take on stress, that always kicks off some sort of crisis.

My dh is a bloody saint living with me!

I don't get that Gast but I do avoid any emotional kind of music as it makes me uncomfortable. Power ballad type stuff makes me feel twitchy, just shut up about your love. Urgh.

Strangely I love a bit of emo though, I think it's because it's so over the top and a little self satiristic

Starting a thread in MH is a fine idea, I'm up for that!

It IS nice to speak to others who function perfectly well most of the time. I personally find I avoid coming across like I have 'classic' BPD because I naturally have a very strong aversion to drama - I actively avoid people who revel in it.

Don't have time to RTFT but just wanted to say that my initial BPD diagnosis changed my life for the better. It was pivotal in getting me referred to the personality disorders clinic and having an in-depth assessment and Millon report. I actually have PTSD, Dependent and Avoidant personality disorders. I then received ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) which was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I, too, had been stuck with a vague "chronic depression" diagnosis for around fifteen years before my PD diagnosis, and had seen many different MH professionals, in different trusts.
I don't get the stigma, I embraced my diagnosis because I finally felt I knew my enemy and could work towards getting better.
Good luck.

The only reliable diagnosis and treatment of BPD is under a mental health team long term - you can't just turn up at a GP and say "I think I have this". Sure, say you feel you have underlying mental health concerns, and feel you need to be seeing a Recovery focused team but there's no way they will take you seriously if you sit there and say "I have BPD".

i have diagnosed BPD, along with complex PTSD, major depressive disorder, anxiety and an eating disorder. i'm also a recovering alcoholic.

my BPD diagnosis was kept from me - i think it was made when i was hospitalised after a breakdown. i found out by accident at the GP surgery!

just to advise - the 'borderline' bit doesn't mean a person is on the borderline of having a personality disorder. BPD is a 'full-fledged' personality disorder, with people walking the borderline between neurosis and psychosis. it's distressing and my life can be pretty chaotic at times. i managed to kick the booze but i still struggle with food and self-harm.

on the other hand, the diagnosis when i finally got it was SUCH a relief. i had a horrendous childhood, and i learned a lot of maladaptive behaviours to cope.

i do go to a weekly support group run by MIND - i am heavily medicated and i can't work (i get ESA and PIP), but i was discharged from secondary services as BPD is still classed as untreatable by some trusts. in fact, DBT can be helpful but there is nothing available where i am.

i held my life together until my late 30s - the collapse was fast and spectacular when it came. i've had a couple of hospitalisations for suicide attempts and i had to change meds earlier this year as i was becoming very unwell again.

if you feel it might help, OP, ask for a referral to the CMHT for assessment. just...make sure you are supported as much as possible as it might be a tough time.

But how do I even get started? Now I don't even know if I want to. I just feel like I'm doing this great job of convincing everyone I'm doing okay when actually I'm a total fucking mess. I don't know if I'm just clutching at straws, or doing my usual thing of making a mountain out of a molehill.

And I've been under MH teams so many times, surely someone would have picked up on it by now, even if the main thing I talked about was depression/anxiety?

Reading these posts I think I have this

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for over 10 years now. but never "got better" despite years of medication and (on and off) counselling. And so many of the symptoms of bpd really "fit" with how I feel

talk to your GP - it's the only way you're going to get near a psychiatrist. i think my diagnosis came when i could be observed in hospital for a few weeks and definitely fit the criteria.

the worst part of my life post-crash is how hard it is to get any help. there is no money here, no therapy and no hospital beds. i hear from people in my support group that they have a CPN or a support worker and it really upsets me - i have very low self-esteem and knowing that nobody thinks i'm worth helping just compounds it.

i had a good job with lots of travel, a lovely home and all the trimmings. i couldn't keep up the pretence of normality though, and i'm now a twice-divorced unemployed headcase in a flat in the wrong part of town. plus ca change.

Ex wife that sounds so tough.

I am embarrassed to go to my GP, I don't think they'd take me seriously just walking in and saying I think I've got Bpd as I've looked online (as that's basically the long and short of why I think I have ) ....and like you say there's limited provision anyway for mental health problems ...it sucks