I just had a sudden realisation that I don't have much to life for

[FlowersAndShit]

I'm not looking for advice, this is mostly just a venting post, because life is shit and unfair.

I'm only 25 but feel like i've missed the boat and will forever be playing catch up. I've missed out on all my important years because of my depression, anxiety, autism, agoraphobia etc.

I haven't had a single friend since I was 13 and life has been pretty shit throughout. I wasn't diagnosed with autism until I was 16, and by then I was too fucked up for the diagnosis to be of much use. Also traumatised by 4 overdoses due to school refusal and being forced by my mother and the authorities to go to school. My mother knew I hated being left alone anywhere and didn't know what to do with me, so the last time I took an overdose at 14 she left me on my own overnight at the hospital as 'punishment'. I still hate her for that. I have a good realtionship with her otherwise as she's all I have.

I left school with nothing and have done a degree with the OU. But now i'm 25 and want so badly to meet someone decent and have children, but I realise i'm being unrealistic because I can't imagine anyone appreciating or loving me considering my issues. I've seen many therapist/psychaitrists but it hasn't worked. I'm also a virgin and somewhat fear intimacy due to feelings of shame but I don't know why. All of these obstacles combined makes me realise that this mountain is way too complex to overcome and I just want to sit and cry. Life will be a constant struggle for me (I don't mean normal everyday struggles) and I can't see myself ever being content and happy, fulfilled and accomplished.

It dawned on me today, whilst planting some flowers at my mothers house, that I really don't have a lot to live for. I'll unlikely ever have a relationship or have children (I have gyne issues), I have never had a job as I couldn't cope with one so I'll never be able to buy a house, or anything else. I'm socially awkward and boring/introverted so people ignore me because I may as well be invisible as I don't talk much.

I don't have any family apart from my mother, my dad (who is sometimes emotionally abusive) and my brother who i'm NC with because he's verbally abusive to me.

I fear when my mother is no longer around (she's 53) because I'd have nobody. Literally, i'd have noone. That scares the shit out of me and I would probably end up taking my life.

I still feel that I have a lot of love to give, and that I could give that to a child. I want to be a mother soon otherwise I will completely give up and become too jaded and bitter. However, the above issues mean that I'm considering using a sperm donor, but I then realise that they'll have hardly any family either, and that their lack of father is because of my issues, and my child will probably end up hating me.

Thanks for listening

Trolltherespawn Thank you . It really isn't, but the way she worded her post really pissed me off.

@FlowersAndShit

Trolltherespawn Thank you . It really isn't, but the way she worded her post really pissed me off.

Even so, we're afraid we can't allow personal attacks - even when venting and upset
Really hope that you can seek some RL help OP
Peace and love and kindness and empathy to you

Are you taking your mess now, Flowers?

Meds, sorry for the typo!

Yes, I'm still on 75mg from 100mg. Been on this dose for about 2 months now, going to reduce the dose again soon

Is it not helping ?

It seemed to stop working, i've been medicated since I was 16 and was going through an awful time then. I'm coming off them and looking to be stable for a certain amount of time before I (hopefully) get pregnant.

I'm not sure a baby is the answer to your problems.

I didn't say it was. Please stop suggesting that I'm having a baby to solve my problems, i'm not.

But you're still not getting that you have to solve your problems first. Seriously.

OP, a baby is very demanding. You seem to be struggling with your life atm.

Even for those of us without your challenges a baby can be the most testing time, emotionally, physically draining. It can leave us sleep deprived and exhausted.

You feel your life is a "constant struggle", I am concerned about your ability to cope with a baby if things are so awful atm.

And more importantly would it be fair on the child?

I might never 'solve my problems', does that mean I should never be a mum?

Pearly My child wouldn't suffer because of me. I'd force myself to do things that are difficult for them to have a normal life. I truly believe that although it would be very hard at times, I'd be a good mother. I believe that having a child would be the making of me in some ways. I have a lot of love to give, and i'd like to use that through nuturing my own child.

flowers, no but I think to be fair to any child you need to first of all make some investment in yourself.

That's what i'm planning on doing before I get pregnant

I don't see it as very sensible to look at having a baby to be the making of you.

" I want to be a mother soon otherwise I will completely give up and become too jaded and bitter. However, the above issues mean that I'm considering using a sperm donor, "

OP your first post doesn't give that suggestion. Using a sperm donor because you have problems?

Force yourself to do those things which are difficult for you (like working, making friends, etc) now. Whether you admit it or not, you are fixating on a baby being an answer to your life being crap, and it just doesn't work like that.

Will you need fertility treatment for yourself as well as a sperm donor? You mention in your first post that you have gynae problems.... Are you actually able to get this on the NHS, or is this something you need to pay for privately?

sooty I'm sure your children were conceived in perfect circumstances. I'm going to hide this thread now because it's going around in circles.

I get the baby thing, flowers, I really do. And I'm older than you...

You say you feel you've "missed the boat". Guess what? I feel I've missed the boat too. I'm also an OU student - and 1/6th of the way through a degree. You have a whole degree! And you're younger!

Hope you catch my drift.

You have so much time in which to become a mother. And in the meantime you will learn stuff and have experiences and meet people and it will make you a even better mother. Imagine yourself at, say, 34 holding a newborn. What are you going to do in the meantime to make the most of the time before then? What can you do make sure you are the most prepared for that day, and have done things for YOU? (I'm thinking of stuff like exciting holidays or enjoying doing stuff without worrying about a little human to look after.)

You have decided you would go down the donor sperm route if you don't meet someone by then. That's great; you know what you're doing. So you have a plan all worked out and can sort of shelve those thoughts for now. No action needs to be taken for a long while.

In the meantime I guess general health stuff/diet/exercise and anything good for endo is good. :)

But right now... you need some intermediate goals. So for me this is stuff like keep up new exercise regime (hahahaaaa ouch), keep on with OU study, work on a project I've wanted to do for ages in my summer break, look out for volunteering opportunities for after the summer. Although I ideally want to get back to work at some point, there's no point launching in to finding a job now. Noooo. That is a more distant goal, and the other stuff is slowly helping me work towards it. So no wonder you feel hopeless about it all if you're looking at al the end goals rather than the step by step approach. (I know it's difficult though, I'm scraping by each day.)

So what would your intermediate goals be?

Also... It seems obvious to me flowers is reaching out for some understanding? So I don't undertand some of the responses here. I'm being referred for an ASD assessment myself so am wondering if this is an ASD thing..? I mean, isn't it normal when depressed to feel your life is pointless? (And to ignore achievements etc. whilst doing that. ) And sometimes the thought hits really hard, perhaps triggered by something. So if you were seeking help or just blindly reaching out in pain without thinking clearly, wouldn't you start off by saying "I've just been hit by this depressing/awful thought"? I don't know... I'm unsure as to why it seems to be interpreted as someone casually sat there going "Oh, woe is me" and dwelling on things, rather than the workings of a depressed mind. I'm wondering if it's because rather than writing what she feels she's writing it as fact? ("I really don't have a lot to live for" etc). I don't know; I'm trying to understand for my own sake too! The rest of the OP looks a bit stream-of-consciousness type thing. All the stuff running round and round OPs mind.

Also, I don't know about any other posts but have read OPs threads. Yes she's had loads of advice, but on this one she specifically says she needs to vent. Presumably struggling with all this stuff going round her mind. People post when they are seeking support; so we see OPs in their most self-defeating downward spirals and most depressed times. I hide with a cup of tea and cry every morning, if you saw me like that every day you'd think I was negative and didn't bother with anything. And it's the same type of stuff getting me down every day - because I can't just make it all better despite the effort I put in every day. Isn't it the same with posters here? They try their best, as as the depresseion ebbs and flows they find themselves facing the same old fears and feelings and posting here.

One final thing - OP has been very suppotive to me, although by PM rather than threads (ASD thing? One to one rather than a group?). I don't think she's selfish, just panicking and fixating on a particular goal.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho- I think Mumsnet members have an fantastic amount of sympathy for people generally going through tough times and is an amazing source of support.

If some on this thread seem a little less supportive than they could be then it's probably like me have seen flowersandshit be less than helpful towards others- to put it mildly. Threatening to harass breastfeeding women for instance.
I have been shocked by some of flowersandshits posts.
She herself does not champion other vulnerable people, and comes across as hostile and aggressive towards others.
Yes she needs help, but in order to get that help she must respect others.

It seems you want a child to keep you company and always have someone there for you.

That's not a good reason to have a child.

100% agree with pearlylum

some of flowersandshits posts have been disgusting! Expecting support while being aggressive and nasty to other vulnerable people is not on!