I'm not looking for advice, this is mostly just a venting post, because life is shit and unfair.
I'm only 25 but feel like i've missed the boat and will forever be playing catch up. I've missed out on all my important years because of my depression, anxiety, autism, agoraphobia etc.
I haven't had a single friend since I was 13 and life has been pretty shit throughout. I wasn't diagnosed with autism until I was 16, and by then I was too fucked up for the diagnosis to be of much use. Also traumatised by 4 overdoses due to school refusal and being forced by my mother and the authorities to go to school. My mother knew I hated being left alone anywhere and didn't know what to do with me, so the last time I took an overdose at 14 she left me on my own overnight at the hospital as 'punishment'. I still hate her for that. I have a good realtionship with her otherwise as she's all I have.
I left school with nothing and have done a degree with the OU. But now i'm 25 and want so badly to meet someone decent and have children, but I realise i'm being unrealistic because I can't imagine anyone appreciating or loving me considering my issues. I've seen many therapist/psychaitrists but it hasn't worked. I'm also a virgin and somewhat fear intimacy due to feelings of shame but I don't know why. All of these obstacles combined makes me realise that this mountain is way too complex to overcome and I just want to sit and cry. Life will be a constant struggle for me (I don't mean normal everyday struggles) and I can't see myself ever being content and happy, fulfilled and accomplished.
It dawned on me today, whilst planting some flowers at my mothers house, that I really don't have a lot to live for. I'll unlikely ever have a relationship or have children (I have gyne issues), I have never had a job as I couldn't cope with one so I'll never be able to buy a house, or anything else. I'm socially awkward and boring/introverted so people ignore me because I may as well be invisible as I don't talk much.
I don't have any family apart from my mother, my dad (who is sometimes emotionally abusive) and my brother who i'm NC with because he's verbally abusive to me.
I fear when my mother is no longer around (she's 53) because I'd have nobody. Literally, i'd have noone. That scares the shit out of me and I would probably end up taking my life.
I still feel that I have a lot of love to give, and that I could give that to a child. I want to be a mother soon otherwise I will completely give up and become too jaded and bitter. However, the above issues mean that I'm considering using a sperm donor, but I then realise that they'll have hardly any family either, and that their lack of father is because of my issues, and my child will probably end up hating me.
Thanks for listening